How NOT to make a loaf of bread

[TheOtherVillainess]

Step one: Read the recipe CAREFULLY and assemble all ingredients. Do not assume that because there are more than 3 or 4 ingredients, or that because one ingredient has a teeny amount that goes in, that you can automatically SKIP that particular ingredient or subsitute something else for it.

Step two:Follow the directions on assembling the ingredients. If it says to mix using a stand mixer with a dough hook, use one. If you don't have one, go borrow one from somebody (say your generous neighbor)who does. DO NOT mix by hand. Most likely, you will burn your fingers on the really warm wet works that are there to help jumpstart the gas-producing yeast.

Step three:If it doesn't say to knead the dough really really well, DON'T FRIGGIN DO IT! This is where that following instructions bit really comes in handy. Trust me.

Step four: If the dough refuses to rise, you screwed up. Chuck it and start over. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT attempt to salvage the beer-scented mess on your counter.Even if it starts to do strange things like burble at you in Elvish and lump around in a wierd sort of hop on the table. O.O

Step five: IF you choose to ignore step four and bake that sucker anyway, here's to you a nd good luck. Let's hope it cooks through.

Step six: Perhaps, if you're lucky the glutenous mass you created actually does cook through, pray to the gods that it's edible.

Step seven: Hmm..ok. So it didn't rise and it's sort of flat and hard, but still semi-edible. Break it into chunks to feed the ducks. At least your effort won't be wasted!

And that is how NOT to bake a loaf of bread.
Class dismissed!

TOV

 

[abaldacci]

that's how my bread turns out. we must not bake the same way

 

[KAMommy]

Isn't this why God made bakeries?

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

But..I have this nice, shiny cookbook by Alton Brown (who I love to death) and I wanted to try out more than the Superior Saltine recipe (which I am quite good at by now). I was DYING to make a loaf of bread this weekend, so I attempted it and..now it's sitting on my stove staring at me through its aluminum foil cover. I can't decide whether to feed it to the ducks or what. But it's probably going to end up as duckfood.

TOV

 

[KAMommy]

I am actually a pretty good cook, but I never have managed to make a loaf of beer bread. After a while, my husband made me stop trying...he said I was just wasting good beer!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

The funny thing is, there was no beer in my bread. Just yeast, salt, flour, sugar and water. And it STILL smelled like beer.

I know where I screwed up and eventually, I will go back and try again. I want to be able to be more like my MIL, even though I suck at cooking and am just 'bleh' at baking.

TOV

 

[mum4jenn]

Do you guys ever make bread at the school you work at? If you do then learn all the tricks from the bread cook.

 

[beckmrk04]

This is hysterical!!! I actually have a very good recipe for yeast rolls that is *near* fool-proof, if you'd like it. It's just time consuming, but well worth the effort.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

beck--ooh yes please! I still have two packages of dry yeast in there begging to be used!

And mum4jenn...when I worked at the school, all our bread (except for the sandwich bread) came frozen and all we had to do was bake it.

TOV

 

[beckmrk04]

OK- here goes. This is a recipe out of Fannie Farmer's baking book, and I am not an expert in the kitchen, but this was pretty easy and my family LOVES them. I'll add my notes in ( )- things that I have found helpful- I haven't screwed them up yet!

Dinner Rolls

1 1/4 C. milk, warmed (about 105 degrees- think temp of a baby's bottle)
1/3 C. sugar
2 tsp. salt
4 tbsp. (1/2 stick) butter, softened
1 pkg. dry yeast
1 egg, slightly beaten
3 1/2 - 4 1/2 C. all-purpose flour

Stir warm milk, sugar, salt, & butter together in a large mixing bowl (I use glass or metal- holds the heat of milk better). Sprinkle on yeast, stir, and let stand a minute to dissolve. Add the egg and 2 cups of the flour, and beat vigorously, by hand, for a minute or two (til it al comes together) and then add enough of the remaining flour to make a manageable dough (I add another 1 1/2 cups). Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 6-8 minutes, until smooth and elastic (it will be a MESS in the beginning, just add more flour, 2 tbsp at a time, until the dough is no longer sticky; and if you knead longer than 6-8 minutes it won't hurt anything). Place in a large greased bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and let rise until double in bulk (I let mine rise in the oven with just the oven light on- and it takes about 2 hours the first rise; don't know if mine ever quite doubles, but close enough). Punch down, and form into shapes.

To shape: I form dough into a ball, cut into 1/2. Cut each 1/2 into half, then quarters, then from each quarter, roll out dough into a log, then cut into three equal pieces. This will give you 24 rolls. To form rolls, roll dough piece into a ball, then tuck the bottom underneath,to make the top smooth. Takes a little practice, but will make them prettier.

Place dough balls into 2 greased 9 in. cake pans, or one 13x9. Brush tops lightly with melted butter and cover pans with a clean dish cloth. Let rise again until double in bulk. (This time it only takes about 1 hour, but you can let it go longer if you want).

Bake in a preheated 425 degree oven for about 15 minutes, or until tops are deep golden brown. Remove from oven, and ease rolls out of pan and onto a cooling rack. EAT WHILE WARM!!!
_______________________________________

Ok- any ???? BTW- I worked this recipeout on WW online, and the rolls are 2 points each, if anyone cares.

 

[jfulcer]

I think it's against board policy to star out curse words because everyone still knows what the word is and it offends some, especially when you leave 3 letters still in. I'd maybe suggest taking that word out, because it's not really needed and this is a family board.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Actually, I didn't star it out. The filter caught it.

TOV

 

[Holly]

TOV!
Better luck next time!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Thanks, Holly. I plan on attempting beck's yeast rolls when DS goes down for his nap in a little while. If I don't get stuck watching those eps of "Little People, Big World" from the other night instead.

TOV

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Well, I followed the directions to the letter. Except for the part about having enough flour. I had to go next door and borrow a couple cups. Never fear, I pressed onwards and upwards, not to be daunted.

I turned on my oven light and have set the dough in to 'riz' as my grandmother would say. We shall see, in about two hours, what has become of my yeast roll dough.

Let's hope it turns out better than the bread dough did.

TOV

 

[snowwite]

I just baked beer bread.I got a box from Tastefully Simple(they have a web site) and I swear all you do is add 12 oz beer , stir pour into a greased bread pan and bake 375 for 50 mins. It is really good.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Yeah but that's the lazy way out. My grandmothers and greatgrandmothers didn't have ready-to-make mixes. They did it by hand goshdarnit and even if it kills me, I am determined to learn to make decent bread and rolls.

TOV

 

[snowwite]

Yeah but that's the lazy way out. My grandmothers and greatgrandmothers didn't have ready-to-make mixes. They did it by hand goshdarnit and even if it kills me, I am determined to learn to make decent bread and rolls.

TOV

I have tried butthey always comeout like hockey pucks

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Heh heh heh. That's why I want to become a better baker, so I don't have bread that turns out like a hockey puck.

My MIL is an ok baker. I wouldn't say fantastic, but she can make bread and rolls from scratch. I feel that now that I have a kid, I have to try and live up to her standards. Which means making as much from scratch as I can or have the time to do. And I know my baking skills SUCK like a Hoover. So I need to work on them now while DS is still little and doesn't seem to care that his mom can't bake a loaf of bread or make a birthday cake from scratch.

TOV

 

[snowwite]

Good Luck. My lids are teens and know that I can make a lot of stuff but baking is just not my stong point. My sis took pity and got me a bread machine last Christmas. It kneads, rises and cooks in the machine so I get the homemade bread smell and loaf but not the fuss.
My nana used to make from scratch and there would be pans coered with damp cloths on the radiator to rise and we always had some covered in moleasses while it was warm.Mmmmmm