How much would you budget for this gift?

[scooterpig]

Definately time to take the high road. Gift, (something nice, and personal, gold, engraved, something with wheels, is appropriate for some at graduation. I'm not saying you have to get her a car with golden grill, but it can't be a sundress either. Jewelry..prof. portrait session, even a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant.) and most importantly, SHOW UP to graduation. I think it is the right thing to do. And I know the girl may be an uncaring tw@t. I still think it is the right thing to do. You really don't even have to spend a long time. If you are not invited, ASK for an invitation. If you don't go, let it only be because you were clearly declined. Not easy, I know....but it is the best advice I have for you.

Maybe a savings bond and a very thoughtful card? Good luck!

 

[blessedmom4]

I like the letter idea. I also want to remind everyone that not all 18 year olds are mature and if she has had such an immature role model in her Mom...this is what you get.
(((((Hugs))))) to OP and I second the idea about the letter...from her Dad (with your help, of course ) and the Savings Bond, to recognize her achievement, such as it is.
Take the high road (which you have), it is your husband's child.

 

[mrsklamc]

Re: the savings bond idea

1.This isn't someone who is capable of thinking about her future. She'll just cash it in.
2. Savings bonds have a terrible return on investment right now.
3. I'm not entirely sure how long the federal gov't will be solvent. If it were a company, would you invest in it? I sure wouldn't.

 

[blessedmom4]

She can't cash it in immediately and it is better than cash , JMHO )

 

[mrsklamc]

She can't cash it in immediately and it is better than cash , JMHO )

Yes, she can. She'll just get back the same amount the buyer paid. Just like cashing a check.

 

[ShannonMB]

DH said- no invite- no gift. But I think that is just playing to their crap- and he has been better than that all of these years so it seems like even though I am cheap.....I think he will be able to hold his head high knowing he has done everything he could. I think its worth $100 just to be able to know we made an effort.

First OP, I want to let you know that I REALLY respect your position here. If this little witch were calling me hateful and ugly names and in general treating my family like this, I don't know if I could be the bigger person and make a statement like this. And she IS a young person (though rapidly approaching too old to act like this!). I think you are absolutely loving and compassionate to even give a crap at this point!!!! So here is a big .

Okay, being a grown-up like you for a minute, it is a good idea to give her a token, something to mark the occasion. I absolutely LOVE the idea from a PP of a photo frame engraved with her graduation year, and maybe her name. That is something nice that couldn't be pawned, but is also thoughtful. And everything dfchelbay said is right on the money!

As for anything else of value, and especially paying her court costs, even though it sounds like a great idea to give her a fresh start, I wouldn't do it. I have a niece who, even though is a loveable little bug, has gotten herself into some big-time trouble, including some stuff with tickets/fines/warrants. My poor dear sister, thinking she was helping, has bailed her out of these messes numerous times, and the girl has learned absolutely ZERO, continuing to drive without a license and insurance, hitting and running (thank GOD no person involved), DUI. Until my sister finally said NO MORE and dear niece was facing a decent amount of jail time, she just kept it up. Now I think she might finally be turning a corner, as she has paid her fines on time and has been showing up for her court dates, because she's finally SCARED! For a while my sister was TERRIFIED at the thought of her little baby going to jail and was paying all these fines, etc, etc, but now she just feels like, GEEZ, if THAT's this kid's rock bottom, then I guess she'll just have to go there. To some people it would be a fresh start, to others it's just another chance to get away with more!!! She needs to face the consequences of her actions, I really believe.

Have your hubby write the letter, send it with a nice frame with the year engraved (whether she graduates or not) or maybe a nice framed photo of the 2 of them when she was little and wasn't such a beast to him yet (if there was such a time). Then TOTALLY back off. Agreeing again with dfchelbay, don't take the bait! They are thriving on all this drama and if you refuse to get invovled, it will die on the vine.

Best of luck to you!!!!! Sorry so long, I'm just really touched by your situation.

 

[blessedmom4]

"Yes, she can. She'll just get back the same amount the buyer paid"

Not immediately she can't...Maybe she will stop and think before she does...maybe not...at least the PARENT took the high road.

GREAT advice ShannonMB!

 

[Be1021]

did you ever think that maybe she wants a relationship with you, but is afraid of loosing her relationship with her mother if she sides with you in her mothers eyes?
She is looking for you to reach out...even just by sending flowers or a tin of popcorn to recognize her graduation. Keep trying. Her mother will not have this hold on her forever, it may just seem that way.

 

[hffmnheidi]

I've been through this type of situation in our family. My dad has a son by his first marriage who had nothing to do with our family until three years ago. The son went to college 45 minutes away from our house for 4 1/2 years and never once bothered to come see my dad or the family. He visited his aunt who lives 20 minutes from us. My parents have had the same address and phone number since 1980.

Well, long story short, he came sniffing around three years ago because my parents are retired(both now) and getting older and wanted to know what his share of the estate would be which is 1 dollar because that's what the law mandates. His mother had a lot to do with the ill feelings toward our family, but my dad paid his monthly child support obligations with no problems. Once he found out from my dad who told him this point blank with the reasoning and once there was no money, no more contact.

Give her a gift that means something. I like the idea of a scrapbook or a collage frame with good memories with your family. While she may not appreciate it now, she may come to appreciate it later.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[SunnieRN]

Wow, been there, done that with two step sons. One of them lived with us while he was in college. Made our life interesting, to say the least.

I must say, that as the years went by and his sons matured, realizing that we were willing to help them with no strings attached, their bond with their father became stronger.

Even though there will be absolutely nothing you both could do right now to change things, anything her father does, will be remembered down the road and hopefully appreciated.

I would NOT show up at graduation uninvited. That could start an argument/fight between her Mother/Mothers family and her Father. This would just cause her to take sides even more. It could also embarrass her, which would not be in the spirit of your being there.

As for a gift, something personal and personalized in some way. I like the idea of a bracelet with an inscription like "To my first born child who I will love all my days, Love Dad." You get the idea anyway. If she hocks it or sells it, she will one day know it was sent with love.

Paying off her fines sounds like a bad idea as her family will continue to enable her bad behaviors and absolve responsibility enough, without her Dad's help.

 

[zachsmomie]

Wow! You could be telling my DH's tale except his kid is a good kid. We ended up buying a Tiffany charm bracelet that she barely glanced at...sigh...

I don't THINK she hocked it but who knows.

In retrospect, I think I would have had DH buy a very nice card with a heartfelt message about how proud he was that she was graduating. Then take it to the florist and have them deliver it with a big bunch of flowers in a nice vase (not the typical glass one). If she is so inclined, she can keep the vase as a momento/bonus gift. The letter/card is personal. She can't hock any of it and you will spend @100.

I'm pretty sure that is what DH daughter will be getting when she graduates from college. Esp. since we've seen her once in 2 years and found out she flunked out of the nursing program and had to change majors by reading it on Facebook.

Best of luck as you work through this.

 

[LuLuO]

Wow, been there, done that with two step sons. One of them lived with us while he was in college. Made our life interesting, to say the least.

I must say, that as the years went by and his sons matured, realizing that we were willing to help them with no strings attached, their bond with their father became stronger.

Even though there will be absolutely nothing you both could do right now to change things, anything her father does, will be remembered down the road and hopefully appreciated.

I would NOT show up at graduation uninvited. That could start an argument/fight between her Mother/Mothers family and her Father. This would just cause her to take sides even more. It could also embarrass her, which would not be in the spirit of your being there.

As for a gift, something personal and personalized in some way. I like the idea of a bracelet with an inscription like "To my first born child who I will love all my days, Love Dad." You get the idea anyway. If she hocks it or sells it, she will one day know it was sent with love.

Paying off her fines sounds like a bad idea as her family will continue to enable her bad behaviors and absolve responsibility enough, without her Dad's help.

Agree with all of this.

ETA: Bolded the last part because if my mom had stopped bailing me out of my bad situations early on I probably would have ended up making better choices long before I actually did.

 

[gulf breeze]

Sorta the same story...DSD turned 18, still in school, moves in with her boyfriend. O.k....your'e all grown up, pay your bills . Don't think she has enough credits to grad. DH still wants to get her something for her time spent I guess. He wanted to give her money as she is supposed to move to another state. I came up with getting her a GPS. (could be cause we got lost the other day) LOL I thought we could say on the card something about "needing some direction in her life" or "being able to find her way home when she needed to" Hopefully she won't take it as us telling her "where to go" !!!

 

[badblackpug]

Take the high road. Get her a nice gift that she can't pawn. A nice, heartfelt letter is a good idea, but keep it on a positive note. Don't bring up past transgressions or behavior. Keep it in the spirit of "I love you, I'm proud of you, I will always be here for you."

Remember, everyone matures at a different rate. This child had little opportunity or role modeling in her life, maybe with a little more maturity and life experience she will realize that everything she knows about her parents relationship is one-sided. It is very difficult for a child of divorce, she probably hears/heard a lot of stories about how bad her father treated her mother, and about what a bad person he is and how he left his daughter behind for a new family (I'm not saying this is true, but I can imagine it's a running theme with her mother) and probably at some point was made to feel as if she is betraying her mother by having a relationship with him.

Keep making an effort, just don't feed the drama. When she is acting ugly, ignore her, but keep making an effort to forge a relationship. Also, I don't know if this happens or not, it does with my ex, so I'll throw it out there, don't just interact with her to nag or check up. Don't call/email/text just to find out about grades and school and court. Sometimes call just to say "hi" or ask her to lunch/dinner/shopping. Don't base the relationship on the things that are "triggers." I know my ex's daughter felt like he only called to yell at her about school and grades, and that did nothing to improve their relationship.

 

[SandrA9810]

I'm still trying to figure out how she's graduating with 35 missed days. I think 12 or something is the most in the state of Florida before you're expelled.
I know this one the hard way. Nothing like being expelled 4 months before the end of the year, and like 1 week too late to sign up for night school. So i spent 4 months of working and graduated 3 months later than I should've. I had like 20 some odd missed days that year.

 

[beccamarie]

This is coming for a child of a divorce. Her mother is probably telling her untruie things (as did mine), so it is probably not all her doing. If she isn't doing well in school that says a lot. She probably isn't happy and is just looking for someone to blame. Give her a nice gift. Even if she doesn't ACT like she appreciates it, deep down inside she will. One day she will come around! Probably when she is finally away from her mother!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

If you do not know that the child graduated, then how can you possibly send or give a gift?

The letter seems most appropriate in this situation. The lack of knowing whether graduation would take place could be a line or two in the letter.

Although I completely understand about this child, your husband is a person who has the "right" to be understood and have his needs met too. Since the daughter is not meeting the need of being a loving child (or even displaying the approximation of familial love) he would do well to back off.

As we cannot choose our parents, we cannot choose our children either! She is under the influence of her mother, but there are many examples of teens/children who stayed with the parent who provided a healthier lifestyle. She chose the mother. The daughter is not stupid. She knows exactly what is going on.

Send the letter and then let it go as much as possible. Should she ever need you, of course you will be there, but you do not have to set yourselves in the path of her inappropriate and unhealthy behavior through the course of the years.

Good luck to you and to your DH who sounds like a great guy.

 

[Taylors6]

"As we cannot choose our parents, we cannot choose our children either! She is under the influence of her mother, but there are many examples of teens/children who stayed with the parent who provided a healthier lifestyle. She chose the mother. The daughter is not stupid. She knows exactly what is going on."


Yup! That is sooo true. She loves the drama- she does get that from her mom. And we have went thru the "maybe she is reaching out" stages a couple times....we went to counseling- (mom started taking her to set up that DH was a deadbeat- which might have worked- except when the Dr. mailed him a letter he was in there the same day- even the Dr. said after what he had been told he was surprised to see him!- SO the jig was up on the mom and she wouldn't go anymore- we are the ones that hunkered down and went for MONTHS every week to show our support). Years ago we had DD here more than the mom- she has her own room here and everything- spent all holidays here (Christmas morning- who gives up their daughter EVERY Christmas morning??? But we were glad to have her! And yes she was treated EXACTLY the same as the others with gifts- I would have it no other way!). Basically once she got old enough for us to tell her she had to be responsible for actions- then we were evil and the mom was always mad- saying we were trying to make her look bad (not the case...we are not stupid enough to ever say bad things about her mom- but we did get to a point that we told her SHE was old enough to take responsibility for her actions). We drew the line a couple times- and held it- and NO ONE does that with this child (extended family included) so we were odd man out.

We have not been the one to bail her out yet ever. So my thought was that although I think paying the fine is letting her off.....maybe this one time we would do it and then no one would say we never give her a break or something. Now after reading everyone's opinions I am not so sure.

Flowers is a nice idea, except DH thinks they are such a waste of money!

One year for Christmas I made her a money tree- mini tree with gift card "ornaments" hanging from it and cash "bows"- but since I have already done that and cash is out....

 

[prncess674]

I'd write her a heartfelt letter saying how sad you (dad) are that she has such harsh feeling about him and disdain toward him and his/her family. Perhaps one day, you will see that I (dad) have done everything in my power to love you, guide you, provide for you and protect you. When you, and your heart, are ready to love and be loved in a mature and healthy manner, dad will be here waiting for you. Love Dad

If "Dad" were to write what you wrote this demostrates classic passive aggresive behavior. Don't belittle the girl in what is supposed to be a congratulatory card. Just write a heartfelt congrats and let her know that she is welcome in your home.

most importantly, SHOW UP to graduation.

I agree. You can sit on the other side of the venue than the mother, but even if she doesn't acknowledge that you are there it will make a huge difference in her mind. If you don't show up to a once in a lifetime event she can always say "Well my scummy Dad didn't even bother to show up at my graduation." Be the better man, sit quietly and even if you just smile and wave at her and leave directly afterwards, your presence will be noticed.

I've been through this type of situation in our family. My dad has a son by his first marriage who had nothing to do with our family until three years ago. The son went to college 45 minutes away from our house for 4 1/2 years and never once bothered to come see my dad or the family. He visited his aunt who lives 20 minutes from us. My parents have had the same address and phone number since 1980.

I am guessing the Aunt is from the Mom's side. Did your Dad ever extend an invitation to dinner? Did your Dad ever stop by the dorm with a little care package? Did the son play sports? Did he ever bother to go to a game?

I would NOT show up at graduation uninvited. That could start an argument/fight between her Mother/Mothers family and her Father.

Most graduations are in huge auditoriums. It takes two to fight. Sit respectfully on the other side. Say a hearty congrats after ceremony and leave peacefully.