I have an Alzheimer's mother with many issues including being incontinent. Anyway, it's me and hubby basically taking care of her. We are both retired. We take turns going out alone when we need to be with the outside world.
My husband will not do for my mom like I do and I really don't expect him to do so. I think he's been great helping with what he does; I have no complaints that way. I make sure that my mom has eaten and I've done the bathroom duties with her before I leave on my own. I give my mom extra protection this way (additional layering) while I'm gone in case there is an accident that way. I get a snack and drink for her to have while I'm gone, too. I don't go for more than 4 hours and on the average I'm gone more like 2-1/2 hours at a time. My mom can basically stay put until I get back. My husband (73) is only having a watchful eye that she doesn't get hurt, perse. This works okay for us; it works for now. In your case you may have to add some play time; so, your child is tired by the time your mom takes over. This makes the time go easier and it may make all the difference to your mom staying with your child. Maybe, if you made things easier for your mom with your child; she would still help out. You may be already doing all of this and it's still not working any more for your mom. Also, your mom might be willing to be there with the outside help as a team situation. If this is true you might be able to get more of a babysitter as outside help than a caretaker for your child if there are two being there together as a team. It would be cheaper that way for the outside help. I don't know if there's lifting involved or if you expect your child to be in bed when you get back from your night out, but this can be too much for an older person and your mom may be frustrated, here.
As another outlet, you and your husband can take turns like we do and you can each have a girls night out or a boys night out on ocassion. At least this would give you a chance to get out. If your husband doesn't quite do for your child as you do, then hire an assitant for him, as well which would be at a cheaper rate than getting a caretaker.
On a final note, we have learned to take my mom along if we want to have dinner out or see a show or visit with others, etc. I know this isn't ideal, but at least you get out of the house. I haven't had an alone night for a long time with my hubby. We all make sacrifices. You can also have more people come to your house for visits if they are agreeable. It's an outlet, but I know it's still not the same as being husband and wife out for the night. Maybe, you can trade off caregiving with others in the same situation; so, you can have an ocassional romantic night.
As your last option you bite the bullet and pay for a good caregiver; so, you can have a night out with hubby. I would take it slow and only do a short night out the first, few times and see how your child reacts to it all. There are reasons I will not do outside help for my mom, right now, but many use caregivers for these situations.
