How much teen angst is normal?

[MKCP5]

So my DS is 15. Shy, very smart, very tall, heavyset, gentle, geeky and miserable. He is at a very challenging school with a rigorous curriculum. He works very hard.

There are alot of really brilliant kids in his school, and though he is very bright, many outshine him. We have talked about how life is always going to be this way and you have to find happiness within yourself, but he is still 15 and he is tired of feeling that "someday you'll find your niche"

He seems more unhappy than happy lately and we talked for a long time today (him tearfully at points) and he just feels burdened by the work and the pressures to be more than who he is.

HELP!!!!! How do I help him? How do I reassure him? How much is too much angst? Does he need to talk to someone?

 

[mjkacmom]

Does he have strong friendships? If not, have him seek out activities where he can meet other kids who are like him. I have a dd13, and she's happy one minute (when with her friends), and can be miserable (with us, of course). I think she and her friends, although not "the populars," are a little geeky - they don't hang out with boys, all have braces, are very silly, are choir kids (and dd theater as well - those kids are a little geeky, IMHO, in a good way). I think friendships are very important for teens, and finding something you are good at.

 

[woodkins]

So my DS is 15. Shy, very smart, very tall, heavyset, gentle, geeky and miserable. He is at a very challenging school with a rigorous curriculum. He works very hard.

There are alot of really brilliant kids in his school, and though he is very bright, many outshine him. We have talked about how life is always going to be this way and you have to find happiness within yourself, but he is still 15 and he is tired of feeling that "someday you'll find your niche"

He seems more unhappy than happy lately and we talked for a long time today (him tearfully at points) and he just feels burdened by the work and the pressures to be more than who he is.

HELP!!!!! How do I help him? How do I reassure him? How much is too much angst? Does he need to talk to someone?

Can you ask him if he would like to go to a therapist. Sometimes it helps to have an impartial ear to listen without judgement. My dd is 7 and she has tourette syndrome. We take her to a therapist to help her talk about her feelings and her self esteem issues. My dh also has tourettes so she sometimes is not comfortable talking about it in front of him because she doesnt' want to hurt his feelings etc. There is nothing wrong with therapy, and it can help alot. Good luck!

 

[MKCP5]

Does he have strong friendships? If not, have him seek out activities where he can meet other kids who are like him. I have a dd13, and she's happy one minute (when with her friends), and can be miserable (with us, of course). I think she and her friends, although not "the populars," are a little geeky - they don't hang out with boys, all have braces, are very silly, are choir kids (and dd theater as well - those kids are a little geeky, IMHO, in a good way). I think friendships are very important for teens, and finding something you are good at.

He does have good friendships, not close ones at school, the close ones are outside of school. It would be nice if he had someone close at school. He is a black belt, and feels confident about that area of his life, and is very involved in youth group at church. He is not a "jock" though and often feels less than compared to that crowd. I remind him that alomst all kids feel this way in HS, that it is part of growing and learning and accepting yourself for who you are, but it's hard for him to absorb.

 

[thebeesknees]

He seems more unhappy than happy lately and we talked for a long time today (him tearfully at points) and he just feels burdened by the work and the pressures to be more than who he is.

This stands out to me that it may be more than normal teen angst. I agree that if you can find someone for him to talk to, it could really help. You could start with a counselor at school or check with his doctor for some recommendations. He sounds overwhelmed and frustrated, and while all of us went through that at one time or another, this sounds like it's dragging on. You also don't want him to be setting himself up for a difficult time through the rest of high school and college, since he still has about 6 years of that ahead of him. Best wishes to your son, and good for you for being on top of this.

 

[MKCP5]

Can you ask him if he would like to go to a therapist. Sometimes it helps to have an impartial ear to listen without judgement. My dd is 7 and she has tourette syndrome. We take her to a therapist to help her talk about her feelings and her self esteem issues. My dh also has tourettes so she sometimes is not comfortable talking about it in front of him because she doesnt' want to hurt his feelings etc. There is nothing wrong with therapy, and it can help alot. Good luck!

I did mention it to him today, and he was not opposed, but not thrilled with the idea either. If things continue along this path, I think we will seek this out. having someone you can be fully honest with who hears and does not judge can be very valuable. They have a great couselor at the school who knows him. I shot her an email today and asked her to check in with him.

 

[MKCP5]

I have also contacted the school coordinator about maybe moving to a CP chemistry instead of an honors chemistry. That is one of the classes he is having the most trouble with. Maybe lightening the load there will ease some of the burden as well.

 

[QVCshopper]

I like lightening his load. I was in AP and honors classes in high school--looking back, I wish I went down in Math sooner. I am a writer and have never needed that Advanced Calculus that I stuggled with.

Have you suggested a starting journal? I have about 15 volumes from my teen years; I wrote when I needed to, until life settled down. Really helped me grow up and deal with normal teen issues. Or even a Thankful journal--he writes three things he's thankful for everyday. Just an idea...

 

[MKCP5]

I like lightening his load. I was in AP and honors classes in high school--looking back, I wish I went down in Math sooner. I am a writer and have never needed that Advanced Calculus that I stuggled with.

Have you suggested a starting journal? I have about 15 volumes from my teen years; I wrote when I needed to, until life settled down. Really helped me grow up and deal with normal teen issues. Or even a Thankful journal--he writes three things he's thankful for everyday. Just an idea...

He wants to be an engineer, so feels alot of pressure to take the highest level classes, but they are so much work!! He is AP history, honors chem, honors, geometry, honors precalculus, honors eng lit, honors ELA, Latin, and CAD/CAM
It's too much.

I love the idea of journaling. I hadn't thought of that. I loved doing that in HS You're right. Getting it all out on paper is good. It flushes it out of your head and heart. I will talk with him about it tonight. Thanks for the idea!

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think the key statement is "he is miserable". He sounds a little like my DS BUT he is happy with who he is and his life. It was me that had to come to grips that he does not care about a active social life or really how he looks or what he wears. He is smart and has his own interest and kids do like him, he just does not get involved easy. HOWEVER, you son is not happy where he is so that is a red flag. I would look for a good couselor that deals with teens.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I just wanted to send along
Kids today are under tremendous pressure to be academically superior....a lot of pressure to "fit in" also....
I also have a ds the same age...also in APS, taking college credits (lucky me to be paying for college for my sophomore and honors classes, 2 languages etc)
He too is No where near any type jock...came home last year when they did wrestling and said "it is barbaric"
He asked and we obliged his interest in Music about 2 years ago...it was the BEST thing we ever did! He took guitar lessons for almost a year (then teacher left) and then he continued on himself, teaching himself to play and took a Music theory class last year ..further learning to read music...He has very few friends at school, not socially "hip" but he also is content, found his niche as they say....
I digress...point is...sounds like your sons load is heavy, he is stressed about "self" and he can use an outlet...perhaps Music is it! (By the way, it is AMAZING to sit back and listen to my son play...we totally indulge this now!!)
My sons school has a guitar club....he joined...the kid that does not like to put himself Out there socially actually joined last year, made some friends....likes it and I think it gives him the outlet needed to relieve the stress of HS!

Teen angst is normal! I want to say "good for you" for being in tune with your child! Knowing there is an issue is the first step to getting it worked out and I know it WILL work out! BEST of luck to you/your son, sounds like another amazing Kid!!!

 

[sndfan]

I am so sorry that your DS is going thru this...I know as parents, the thing we want most is to have our children happy, and it is heartbreaking to see them unhappy!

I agree with perhaps lightening his load...also, you mention that he is a Black Belt...so he IS a JOCK! Just not the traditional soccer/football/baseball/lacrosse type of guy. (My DS 10 is working toward his BB as we speak.)

If his academic load were lighter, would he have more time for extracurricular activities?? Are there opportunities for him to volunteer extra time at his Martial Arts school? At our TKD school, there are a group of teens that are part of a Leadership Team. They have special uniforms, and in addition to regular classes for their own belt degrees, these BB's also attend classes with the younger children to help the instructors. The young ones really look up to these teens...perhaps he could get involved in something along those lines? It could help with his confidence.

I guess what I'm saying is...help him find what he is interested in, and let him enjoy that with whichever friends are interested in the same things as he is (even if they are not "school" friends).

I wish the best for him...keep us updated.

Hugs

 

[StephMK]

Wow, change the DS to a DD and you just described my DD. I had to giggle because she is one of those show choir kids someone else mentioned. They are all in competitive classes, lots of rehearsals, etc. But someone else always get the solo, highlighted part, etc. Having that bond with others in school is a huge help but still creates hurt feelings too.

For DD, I know she has self esteem issues due to her weight. Being taller than most of her friends doesn't help & she feels like she's not noticed. In her case, some of that is due to her clothing choices - she tends to hide in oversized sweatshirts that do nothing for her. Gentle reminders - she loves What Not to Wear -are not helping and her dr came out & said she needs to come down in weight. She is very curvy and looks cute in the right clothes. Her 6th grade teacher recommended a therapist if she didn't learn to open up.

I say this just to see if possibly your son might have similar issues? Adding that I don't mean all issues are weight related but I think she'd be more open to friends & less self conscious if she felt better about herself. In her case, some of that stems from her saying "she doesn't feel good about herself". I think it's great he's willing to talk to you, that's a wonderful step. I agree it's hard to know when to help them but it sounds like you are doing everything right. Good idea on the school counselor & I think if he's even reluctantly agreed to talk to someone, I'd take him. He might not be willing to seem enthusiastic about going but an outside party might help him talk things out.

Kids are doing a lot of searching for self at this age (learned from my psych class) so trying to figure who he wants to be is part of that. Most of DD & her friends are struggling w/that or have a scarily clear picture of the next five years mapped out. It's a weird age.

 

[disykat]

Another mom of teens weighing in that teen angst is normal! I notice a lot of the moms who are seeing huge red flags have younger kids. Yes, keep an eye on him, yes, be open to the idea of counseling, but know that a certain amount of angst is NORMAL! It's hard to weigh what's normal or not, but I think if you have your eyes open you'll see if the misery is part time teenage angst or full time trouble. (A little counseling never hurt anyone - I think everyone can benefit from an impartial ear!)

My son's 10th grade year was pretty miserable. He had friends at church and at school, he had a girl friend, he was in the band and is very successful musically, he does well in school, but there was still tons of angst. He had AP World History and AP Chemistry - a very hard combination. Marching Band season specifically was awful. He had expected to love it, but hated every minute. His whole idea of who he was came into question. He wasn't always unhappy, angst just came in spurts.

My son is also an aspiring engineer and my husband is one. I'm going to stereotype, but engineers are often perfectionists and border OCD on the notion of things being orderly and well planned. Teenagers often aren't these things. My son has so much angst of the behavior of others and the feeling that he sees things very differently than others do. He feels like he's 15 or 16 in a 70 yr old body sometimes. He doesn't like just hanging out without a plan. He was like a black and white fish with business to do swimming in a school of grey fish all cavorting around having the time of their lives.

I have spent a lot of time talking with my son about struggling with the whole "who he is and what's his niche" question. I'm 48 and honestly wonder about those things myself. He needs to know that question will always be a question and he doesn't need to have the answer! He's God's child, he's my son, he's a brother, he's a friend, etc. IMO, the crux of who he is will never be about what club he's in or what career he chooses. Those things will change throughout his life!

Teens have so much pressure! Pressure about grades (don't even get me started about how much more academic pressure we (current society) put on our kids than I ever had!). Pressure from friends. Pressure to make choices that will shape their lives - college, career plans, etc. Pressure to work a part time job. Pressure to do community service so they can get scholarships.... it goes on and on.

Here's the good news. My son will be 17 tomorrow. He still has lots of decisions to make - choose a school, etc. but life is so much less full of angst than it was last year. The bad news for me is my younger son will be in 10th grade next year. Ugh!

 

[Mathfailure]

My daughter sounded a lot like your son last year at this time, and it went down hill VERY fast.

I won't go into it all, but please get help if his mood stays down or if his grades start to slip. There are list of warning signs, but they also parallel normal growing up pains. It got so we could not see what to do, or who to turn to. Unfortunately it took a crisis for everyone, including us, to see how bad it truly was.

On the up side it is so much better now, but the price of waiting was too high.

Your son may not be able to express how bad it is inside his head, and we see them through eyes of love. Get help from an outside source, if all is normal they will quickly know.

 

[CheshireSmile]

My daughter sounded a lot like your son last year at this time, and it went down hill VERY fast.

I won't go into it all, but please get help if his mood stays down or if his grades start to slip. There are list of warning signs, but they also parallel normal growing up pains. It got so we could not see what to do, or who to turn to. Unfortunately it took a crisis for everyone, including us, to see how bad it truly was.

On the up side it is so much better now, but the price of waiting was too high.

Your son may not be able to express how bad it is inside his head, and we see them through eyes of love. Get help from an outside source, if all is normal they will quickly know.

Sounds like me at 17. I went through some bad stuff, and really it did get REALLY bad and my parents didn't know who to turn to either, and I did end up going to a counselor regularly. And it absolutely made a world of difference! I loved my counselor, and I loved having someone non-judgmental to talk to about anything and everything. I know your situation isn't exactly the same because your son talks to you about it, and I just wasn't close to my parents and kept everything inside until it started eating me from the inside out. I hope if counseling is the right path for your son that you find him a counselor he can really connect with. I went to one and didn't care for her, and then tried another one and we absolutely clicked. I would have gladly stayed in counseling forever because I felt so much better going and talking, and she really helped me work out some techniques that I still use today and I know I'm a much better and stronger person from having gotten help when I needed it. I'll think good strong happy thoughts for you and your son!

 

[MKCP5]

Another mom of teens weighing in that teen angst is normal! I notice a lot of the moms who are seeing huge red flags have younger kids. Yes, keep an eye on him, yes, be open to the idea of counseling, but know that a certain amount of angst is NORMAL! It's hard to weigh what's normal or not, but I think if you have your eyes open you'll see if the misery is part time teenage angst or full time trouble. (A little counseling never hurt anyone - I think everyone can benefit from an impartial ear!)

My son's 10th grade year was pretty miserable. He had friends at church and at school, he had a girl friend, he was in the band and is very successful musically, he does well in school, but there was still tons of angst. He had AP World History and AP Chemistry - a very hard combination. Marching Band season specifically was awful. He had expected to love it, but hated every minute. His whole idea of who he was came into question. He wasn't always unhappy, angst just came in spurts.

My son is also an aspiring engineer and my husband is one. I'm going to stereotype, but engineers are often perfectionists and border OCD on the notion of things being orderly and well planned. Teenagers often aren't these things. My son has so much angst of the behavior of others and the feeling that he sees things very differently than others do. He feels like he's 15 or 16 in a 70 yr old body sometimes. He doesn't like just hanging out without a plan. He was like a black and white fish with business to do swimming in a school of grey fish all cavorting around having the time of their lives.

I have spent a lot of time talking with my son about struggling with the whole "who he is and what's his niche" question. I'm 48 and honestly wonder about those things myself. He needs to know that question will always be a question and he doesn't need to have the answer! He's God's child, he's my son, he's a brother, he's a friend, etc. IMO, the crux of who he is will never be about what club he's in or what career he chooses. Those things will change throughout his life!

Teens have so much pressure! Pressure about grades (don't even get me started about how much more academic pressure we (current society) put on our kids than I ever had!). Pressure from friends. Pressure to make choices that will shape their lives - college, career plans, etc. Pressure to work a part time job. Pressure to do community service so they can get scholarships.... it goes on and on.

Here's the good news. My son will be 17 tomorrow. He still has lots of decisions to make - choose a school, etc. but life is so much less full of angst than it was last year. The bad news for me is my younger son will be in 10th grade next year. Ugh!

My gosh, your response made me cry. Thank you for your honesty. I wish your son and mine could be friends!!!!!!!!!!! My son, also feels like an old man trapped in a childs body. In fact, it is a running joke w/him that he is a 15 yo trapped in a 40 yo body. He has such a high sense of justice and right and wrong. He has a really tough time w/ kids who don't behave and cause trouble, he gets frustrated by things that are unfair and hates to see his friends treated poorly by someone, HATES to get in trouble, and rarely takes a risk because he might make a mistake. Order and a plan are important to him. We talk about these things and he says he wishes he could be more light hearted but it's very tough for him. He is SO the black and white fish!!!!

The pressure is incredible, you're right, and being in a math and science school with such high expectations is part of that pressure. I really believe that learning to breathe through it all and find a way to just know you are God's child and wonderfully made just how you are is a huge part of the battle. Many of us still struggle with that as adults though, so it is a tall order for a young man trying to find his way.

Thank you so much for your response and thoughts. It helps this Momma get through this time as well

 

[MKCP5]

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts. They are helping so much. I knnow I have to recognize that some of this is part of growing up, and growing up is very very hard. I have started the process of making sure things are okay, contacted the school counselor, contacted to see about lighteneing the load, will call his youth pastor this AM, and have talked alot with him.

I also have to recognize that some of this is MY stuff. I adore my son, but we are so different. I am very outgoing, incredibly social, lots and lots of friends, love crazy things like bungi jumping or white water rafting, feed off of others peoples energy and have always had a very upbeat and happy personality.

DS is more like my husband, more quiet, introverted, happy with a few good friends, happy to be alone reading a good book rather than with a crowd going somewhere, more introspective and more cautious, and needs to retreat from crowds after a while because it sucks the energy out of him to be putting himself out there all the time. It is just that sometimes he wishes he could be the fun and crazy guy all the girls like who seems not to have a care in the world.

Please continue your thoughts and ideas. I so appreciate all of it, and love that I can find a community here to talk about things that are sometimes tough to talk about because they are so close to your heart. Thanks guys

 

[mdsouth]

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts. They are helping so much. I knnow I have to recognize that some of this is part of growing up, and growing up is very very hard. I have started the process of making sure things are okay, contacted the school counselor, contacted to see about lighteneing the load, will call his youth pastor this AM, and have talked alot with him.

I also have to recognize that some of this is MY stuff. I adore my son, but we are so different. I am very outgoing, incredibly social, lots and lots of friends, love crazy things like bungi jumping or white water rafting, feed off of others peoples energy and have always had a very upbeat and happy personality.

DS is more like my husband, more quiet, introverted, happy with a few good friends, happy to be alone reading a good book rather than with a crowd going somewhere, more introspective and more cautious, and needs to retreat from crowds after a while because it sucks the energy out of him to be putting himself out there all the time. It is just that sometimes he wishes he could be the fun and crazy guy all the girls like who seems not to have a care in the world.

Please continue your thoughts and ideas. I so appreciate all of it, and love that I can find a community here to talk about things that are sometimes tough to talk about because they are so close to your heart. Thanks guys

You sound like you are doing a great job of addressing the issue on your end at home. I have to agree with the suggestion of journaling. The process of writing down your thoughts for your own viewing is such a strong stress-reliever.

I am happy to read that you have contacted his school counselor and youth pastor. I am a middle school teacher and suggest you contact his teachers - especially the one for the main subject that is overwhelming for him. Hopefully, the teacher will be able to share insight in what he or she sees at school and if your son would be more comfortable and successful in a different class.