How much privacy do spouse have from each other?

[luvmy3]

Fair enough, but I'd say there also seems to be some sort of perception that I'm under some sort of moral obligation to people outside of my marriage to be their "secret keeper" or confidant.

I'm not and I simply make that clear. In the few times over the last couple of decades a conversation has started with "Please don't tell your husband this but ..... "

I simply stop them. I'm not a Priest. I'm not a Therapist. As I said before, if it is something they don't want my husband to hear, I make no promises to that and they need to choose somebody else to unload on.

If that works for you, thats great and I'm sure your friends are thankful that you forewarn them that if they choose to share something with you, you may tell your husband.
I don't look at myself as a priest or a therapist, I see myself as a friend and yes I do feel I have a moral obligation to my friends. When I married my dh, I didn't agree to give up my confidant to them status, the relationship I have with them doesn't change just because I'm now married.

 

[luvmy3]

See 'Lies of Omission'.
Certainly, a married person should feel obligated to divulge any information that the spouse may need. I don't feel that a spouse not divulging information that does not affect his/her partner should be considered a lie of omission, however.

That is still not the same as just keeping something private. Lies of omission, is deliberately leaving out facts in order to deceive. Not sharing a password, or a private conversation you had with someone isn't deliberately deceiving your spouse. (With obvious exceptions, but that depends on the intent, like if you were cheating and trying to keep that under wraps).

There is a huge difference in wanting your own individual privacy and actively deceiving, keeping secrets, lies and lies of omission.

 

[jodifla]

It was down to 22 states 15 years ago.

But I bet child endangerment is still against the law.

 

[sbell111]

If that works for you, thats great and I'm sure your friends are thankful that you forewarn them that if they choose to share something with you, you may tell your husband.
I don't look at myself as a priest or a therapist, I see myself as a friend and yes I do feel I have a moral obligation to my friends. When I married my dh, I didn't agree to give up my confidant to them status, the relationship I have with them doesn't change just because I'm now married.

I don't thionk that your position is that far away from RitaE's. From what I understand, she is perfectly willing to keeps her friend's secrets, except for those issues where her obligation to her husband requires her to inform him of issues that effect him.

That is still not the same as just keeping something private. Lies of omission, is deliberately leaving out facts in order to deceive. Not sharing a password, or a private conversation you had with someone isn't deliberately deceiving your spouse. (With obvious exceptions, but that depends on the intent, like if you were cheating and trying to keep that under wraps).

There is a huge difference in wanting your own individual privacy and actively deceiving, keeping secrets, lies and lies of omission.

I completely agree with you. However, I believe that each of us draws the line on info our spouse's need to know at slightly different places.

But I bet child endangerment is still against the law.

The woman is a 3-time loser!

Agreed. The ex-husband being prosecuted has nothing to do with whether she should also be prosecuted for any crime she may have committed.

 

[DawnM]

Dh and I agreed when we wed that there would be no secrets. I don't think it is healthy in a marriage.

I wouldn't care if he read my emails, but then again, he would never ask or be controlling about it anyway, so there is mutual respect and trust.

As far as legally????? I would say that legally there are privacy issues because it is an individual and each person has his/her rights.

 

[ccgirl]

I don't know, I think there are people here who really do believe that if you choose not to share something with your spouse, that you are being dishonest just because you aren't sharing.

Okay, so if I don't tell my DH what I eat for lunch I am being dishonest? WHere is the line drawn?

I think that you're right and that belief puzzles me.

Me too.

See 'Lies of Omission'.

Certainly, a married person should feel obligated to divulge any information that the spouse may need. I don't feel that a spouse not divulging information that does not affect his/her partner should be considered a lie of omission, however.

Well put. The key word here is "need". I do not think my DH needs to know what i ate for lunch or what is going on in my sister's life. Unless she is in love with him or something - that would directly affect him.

 

[jodifla]

On another message board, a lawyer in Michigan said he got a similar case thrown out; that the statute wasn't intended to cover this.

Frankly, I don't think the wife had any expectation of privacy in this case.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

The only reason I or my wife would have for telling each other not to read email is if we had an online order being processed for a birthday or Christmas or something.

Otherwise, there's nothing to keep hidden.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I could care less. BUT I am also not cheating on him or have anything crazy going on in my life that he wouldn't know about.

 

[jodifla]

The only reason I or my wife would have for telling each other not to read email is if we had an online order being processed for a birthday or Christmas or something.

Otherwise, there's nothing to keep hidden.

Exactly.

Also, if you are doing something wrong DON'T LEAVE A PAPER TRAIL!

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I never really thought of reading my wife's e-mail as an invasion of her privacy. We started off with a shared e-mail on a shared computer. We've evolved to having separate e-mail accounts, but the e-mail accounts are downloaded onto the clients of both of our computers (and our shared laptop). So the result is that we each see each others e-mail all the time. It's actually quite helpful because many people send stuff meant for both of us to just one of the accounts.

In those cases where I need privacy (only shopping for gifts for her comes to mind at the moment), I just create an alternate e-mail address and use that. I'd be upset if she snooped at those accounts, but only because it would ruin the surprise.

We have shared accounts for almost everything. The exceptions are those where only one person can own the account - IRAs, 529 plans, etc., but they are still community property and we think of them as jointly owned. I manage all of them, even the ones in her name.

I actually find it annoying that so many things are forcibly kept separate. I have to use two separate logins to manage our retirement funds, even though they are both at the same broker. She wanted to make changes to our cell phone plan once and they wouldn't let her without my permission because I hadn't explicitly listed her as an account holder when I set it up.


I'd like it if spouses could register as joint or separate entities for stuff like that. For the people that want to keep things separate, great. For those of us that want each other to have full access, it would be nice if we didn't have the hassle we increasingly have.