How much is too much (VENT)

[vacanut]

My sister in law sure has her parents wrapped around her finger. She announced last week she was pregnant. Lets start off, she never graduated high school, worked part time for a while. She bought a brand new car and decided to quit her job, she's been living at home and letting her parents pay all of her bills...car payment, insurance, etc. She has no responsibility, her parents pay for everything. Well now she is pregnant, living at home with no income, which I'm sure the state will pay for her medical, etc. How can some people depend on their parents and how can the parents keep supporting these adult children???

I appreciate everything I have because I've always worked hard for what I have, and couldn't imagine letting my parents support me, nevermind a newborn.

Anyone have a similar relative, how do you keep your mouth shut?

 

[ducklite]

In your case, I'd stay out of it. It's really none of your business, and at this point throwing her out wouldn't be the best thing for their grandchild. IMHO they lost control a long time ago, and it's going to be a tough road for all of them moving forward. But it's their road, not yours.

My son is 19, working about 30 hours a week (he'd like to have f/t but they do'nt have an opening for him yet) and still lives at home. He's not in any rush to move, and I'm not in any rush to have him move. He pays for his own clothes, prescriptions, and will pay his car insurance once he gets his license. He also pitches in for groceries.

I actually got lectured by a guy a few weeks ago that a 19 year old should be in his own apartment. WTH!?!?! I finally told this jerk to shut up and MYOB. (We were in a waiting room, so walking away wasn't much of an option.)

Anne

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Just curious Ducklite, but why doesn't your son have a license yet? Not flaming.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Anyone have a similar relative, how do you keep your mouth shut?

Did it ever occur to you that the parents are allowing it. I think it speak volumes about them more. We know she is a bum, what does that make them?

 

[wilderness01]

We know she is a bum, what does that make them?

Enablers who are now unfortunately stuck because there will be an innocent baby involved.

 

[vacanut]

Did it ever occur to you that the parents are allowing it. I think it speak volumes about them more. We know she is a bum, what does that make them?

I've pretty much stopped talking to them, the most I say is "Hi" and "Bye". My blood pressure boils when I even think of how stupid they are to allow this to happen. My SO worked 2 jobs so that we could get a place of our own, he always paid them rent (if he didn't they were going to kick him out) I just don't get how they could raise their children so differently.

 

[ducklite]

Just curious Ducklite, but why doesn't your son have a license yet? Not flaming.

He has some learning and other disabilities, so it's been a slow process. He and DH and I would rather err on the side of caution. We go out a lot on Sunday's to back roads for practice, but he's not nearly ready to be on a main road let alone take the test.

Luckily it's a half mile walk to his job, and there are a lot of activities for him in our neighborhood, so nothing he needs at this point in his life.

Anne

 

[Wishing on a star]

My blood pressure boils when I even think of how stupid they are to allow this to happen. My SO worked 2 jobs so that we could get a place of our own, he always paid them rent (if he didn't they were going to kick him out) I just don't get how they could raise their children so differently.

Ahhhh, this is actually the REAL issue here!!!!

I can see that this is a very emotional issue for you, because it really hurts to see how your DH, and you, were treated, in comparison to the sister.

HUGS!!!!

How is your DH relationship with his parents??? How do they treat you???

It is your DH's family, so how he personally deals with this and handles it really is up to him. (I am thinking that he is choosing to just 'accept' it.)

Part of you probably really wants to see your DH stand up and call his parents on the carpet about how differently the two have been treated. But, I am guessing that he is simply, as many men do, refusing to acknowledge these feelings.... And choosing not to rock the boat.

Seriously, because it is not your family, you really can not say anything.... not one little word. Of course, if you want to discuss it further with your husband, and try to see where he stands about the whole situation, then I think that would be a good idea!

However, the attitude that you present might be something to be careful about. If you come off simply as 'judging' and 'blaming' and saying 'I don't ever want to see them again', well, your DH may not take too kindly to that! You have to leave yourself open to HIS feelings. They are really the ones that matter.

Remember, it is just your inlaws... what they think/do does not matter. You and your DH have your own life now. Just realize that if you don't really care about what they think/do, then they cannot get to you.

Unless they are doing something to directly affect you, you might want to ask yourself if it is really worth all the negative energy???

HUGS!!!!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

He has some learning and other disabilities, so it's been a slow process. He and DH and I would rather err on the side of caution. We go out a lot on Sunday's to back roads for practice, but he's not nearly ready to be on a main road let alone take the test.

Luckily it's a half mile walk to his job, and there are a lot of activities for him in our neighborhood, so nothing he needs at this point in his life.

Anne

Gotcha

 

[Wishing on a star]

Another note here:

Your inlaws are not the victims here. They have not simply 'allowed' this to happen. Believe me, they have 'enabled' and even 'encouraged' this for their own underlying emotional and psychological reasons. They are willing partners. It sounds like a very co-dependant situation.

This of course, is not good. All of them will end up paying the prices for the choices that they are making.

Just separate yourself from the situation, and be glad that it is not really involving you personally!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know, I just want to share this with you, being 40 and already have been there, done that with siblings, problems, etc...

It never ends. Even when the "said siblings" get their act together it ends up getting screwed up again and parents go into "rescue mode".

Eventually you will see the pattern over your life, like 1+1=2 with the parent/child relationship. It will extend to the grandchildren and on and on.

What I have found to be helpful is to detach myself from it. I accept the reality and don't dwell anymore. That is the hardest thing you can do. The fact that it is your dh's family puts more pressure on you because YOU have to be "the rock" when you know that your dh is hurting because of it. Be the vessel, loving home, family to get him to a new place. Do not fill your home with talk of the IL's doings. It is like poison to your family home.

Yep been there...don't do it anymore. When you have to mention the bozo's, shrug and turn it positve with lots of hugs and love. How thankful your family is.

 

[minkydog]

You know, I just want to share this with you, being 40 and already have been there, done that with siblings, problems, etc...

It never ends. Even when the "said siblings" get their act together it ends up getting screwed up again and parents go into "rescue mode".

Eventually you will see the pattern over your life, like 1+1=2 with the parent/child relationship. It will extend to the grandchildren and on and on.

What I have found to be helpful is to detach myself from it. I accept the reality and don't dwell anymore. That is the hardest thing you can do. The fact that it is your dh's family puts more pressure on you because YOU have to be "the rock" when you know that your dh is hurting because of it. Be the vessel, loving home, family to get him to a new place. Do not fill your home with talk of the IL's doings. It is like poison to your family home.

Yep been there...don't do it anymore. When you have to mention the bozo's, shrug and turn it positve with lots of hugs and love. How thankful your family is.

Excellent advice, and right on the mark. I'm dealing with a family member who has always been difficult, who now has a little piece of authority(executor of Dads estate) and is totally power-mad. He has alienated all the other sibs and made it clear that we can jump to his tune or he will make it a difficult to settle this thing as he possibly can. He complains to my mother(who is my dad's ex and has no claim whatsoever) and as always, Mom comes to his defense. All we can do is no respond and not dwell on it. There's one in every family.

 

[tmt martins]

Ok I'm 40 now and still live with MOM with DW & DD12 SO BEFORE YOU FLAME >>

1st My MOM id from large fam.10kids divorced dad when I was 9 brother 10 .She has a small BUS with a laging clientel DstepD was Long hal trucker gone from Mon until FRi has changed lately.

My SIL is a pig ,Doesn't work ( couldn't afford 2nd child but pupmed out another .Love my neices and nephew I take them everywhere with us ) and just uses my mom and complains to the point where me and B barely talk ( I met DW as she was BF with SIL ).The only time she calls is when she wants something .They have been using my DM's van for 2 years now and the only time they return it is when it needs work done on it .This might sound bitter but it's not I just keep my mouth shut and give my keys to my DM so she has a Vech .(I have a comp V to use during the day and even pay sometimes to use it when needed.)

My DM feels secure with my family here her and DW do everything together.With out the money we pay here and allow her to use our Vech. She would not be bad off but would have to change her lifestyle for sure.

ME and DW both work fulltime and make more then our parents ever made in their life .I could go out and buy a house at anytime but would ather pay her the money and let her enjoy her life now with us.

I know this is not the same as OP but you must look at it from all side MIL might like to have her around and if thats the case she sounds like a loving person .If thats the case you as well as my SiL are missing out on that love because simply of how you view the situation .

All I'm saying is don't make your life less enjoyable because of things out of your control you could also be putting stresses on DH that do not have to be and could cause problems down the road.

 

[ElizaB39]

I once talked to someone about my negative feelings towards my SIL (DHs sis). He asked me if she knew how I felt? When I responded with a "no", he then asked me who I was hurting with all of my anger and negativity. Of course the answer is me. After that discussion I was able to just let it all go, over time. All of my anger and blood pressure issues didn't immediately disappear. It took a little time to fizzle out... Also, he encouraged me to distance myself from her, not physically as that is hard to do in a small family, but emotionally. I was able to do that (and am pretty successful at it if I do say so myself) and it has made my life much easier. Funnily enough it has also made our relationship better. She is what she is and I am what I am.

Also we have a general rule in our household, DH deals with his family and I deal with mine. This includes fielding calls, requests for visits, holiday planning and etc. We make our decisions together as to what is best for us, and then each of us relays those decisions to our respective families. I have to say, this really works for us. DH early on said to me, "there is no reason for you to have to deal with my crazy relatives."

I hope you can "release" the negative feelings. I know it is hard.

ETA: p.s. I still get irritated sometimes.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Ya gotta let it go, and I say this from the perspective of someone who's got the slugs on both sides of the family.

Seriously, mentally ball up all of the anger, resentment and bitterness you're feeling and then push it out with your hands, let it go and you'll feel better. You'll find yourself doing that a lot at first when you think about them. It works! If someone happens to mention my BIL's name, I'll immediately close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then deliberately mentally set adrift all the ickyness his name conjures up.

Giving such toxic stuff like that importance in your life will literally weigh you down spiritually and physically.

Take serious changes in your life to have those people, and I mean the parents and the SIL, contact you as little as possible.

 

[froglady]

There are always reasons for parents to behave this way, even if neither they nor other family members can see it.

Sometimes it's guilt; something may have happened that your DH doesn't know about. Maybe SIL was unwanted or unlovable as a baby, and MIL is trying to make up for it. Maybe she feels your DH is more capable in some way, and SIL "needs" more from her. Perhaps something happened to SIL that DH's parents feel responsible. Sometimes members of the same family view the dynamics very differently; I'm the youngest, and I'm sure that my parents changed between the time my eldest brother was born, and I came along four children later.

I know that I'm a different parent for DS than I was for DD; MY parents were/are DEFINITELY different for DS.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ya gotta let it go, and I say this from the perspective of someone who's got the slugs on both sides of the family.

Seriously, mentally ball up all of the anger, resentment and bitterness you're feeling and then push it out with your hands, let it go and you'll feel better. You'll find yourself doing that a lot at first when you think about them. It works!

Cool. I will use your technique. Use your hands to "ball it up & throw"...felt good.
Thanks

Holidays seem to bring up more stressors and more ways to help yourself the better.

 

[Crankyshank]

I'm going to say the same thing that I said to my Mother in an email a little while ago : You've got to let it go because they're not going to listen to you and all you're doing by voicing dissent is creating stress for yourself and more tension within the family.

My Grandparents have spent the past 45yrs enabling both of my Uncle's slacker mooching behavior while treating my mother like crap. Especially my middle uncle. To the point they bailed him out of jail on Thanksgiving and then left dinner when HE said he was ready to go. He's got plenty of money and yet my Grandparents buy everything for him and spend their days carting him around (he has repeatedly lost his license since he was 19 for DUI after DUI). He's an embarrassment and my Grandparents are classic co-dependents, but nothing will change no matter what my Mother or anyone says to them. He'll wise up when they die because no one will cart him around anymore. Unfortunately they're leaving most of their money (and they have plenty of it) to both of my uncles and their children and none to my siblings or myself because "we can take care of ourselves. Bruce, Scott and the kids are helpless"

My younger SIL and her 2 children (ages 5 and 3) are now living with my in-laws who are in their late 60's/early 70's and not in the best of health. Amy pays no rent, doesn't pay for her children's things, and pretty much uses her paycheck to spend on frivolities for herself. Yet when confronted about this, she screams that it's her money and no one's business how she spends it. She's 27yrs old and acts like a hormonal pre-teen. She doesn't acknowledge her children on most days unless it amuses her to do so and certainly doesn't discipline them. As a result my in-laws have very little money and are essentially raising 3 out of control children. Her entire life she had been raised to believe she was helpless because she has ADHD and my in-laws still excuse her unacceptable behavior as her ADHD

Both my in-laws and grandparents have made their bed and they need to lay in it. Only they can stop their enabling and much like an addict, they need to want to. So far I don't see it happening, so instead of making the situation worse I refuse to get involved and I refuse to bail them out.