How much child support is too much? Is there such a thing?

[jrydberg]

Originally posted by aprincessmom
Child support and custody are not about who wins or who gets what they want. It's about providing as normal and stable an environment for the children as is reasonably possible.

In my experience, this is the way it *should* be, but does not reflect reality.

 

[stego]

Sometime ago (imagine that) this topic came around, and I posted then. Basically what I got in reply was why did I bend over and "allow" my ex not to pay child support? My experience was this: she pretty much told me some years ago she couldn't be a parent at that time: emotionally, physically, financially & spiritually. Lovely-one of my first lessons in "convenient parenting". I was basically called on the mat by one person that said I should exhaust all resources, drag her to court, hold a weapon to her head and physically force her to pay. Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen in this life time.

I got custody of our 15 month old son. Me, an alcoholic. Yes, I'd been sober for 4 years at that time. That was beside the point.

In all of this, I realized some time later: how does my son feel?
Everyone, myself included, put his feelings last. I still struggle with the guilt-because I had first hand experience with it as a child. What are the chances, right? I remember all too vividly the anguish my mom went through in trying to get my father to pay something, anything. Some hard lessons were learned early in life, for both my brothers and I.

In reflection to the original post: it's not about the money. Maybe the question should be asked: why didn't the "fictional" athlete use his resources to exhaust getting custody and raising his child? I see "someone" get on his bike and win something 6 times. And yet, with all his resources, he hasn't seen his kids in 3 months. No matter how much he'll pay-he is a "convenient" parent. I really hate using labels-and so I'd rather look at people's actions and draw my own conclusions.

Our children deserve our time-priceless-and yet it is swept by the wayside, our children's REAL needs put last.

Do I get child support, years later? No. Have I beat myself up in listening to the poster tell me what a chicken/coward "whatever" I am for not pursuing it? Yes. Each night, I kneel next to my son's bed, and we say special prayers for his "old" mom. Somewhere, out there, she lives a life of misery, pain and devoid of God. Money? It won't bring back his "old" mom.

Some years ago, I met a wonderful lady. Today, she is my wife, and more importantly, Christopher's mother. She gives-yes, financially, but more importantly, of herself-and I can see her image in him. Will she be at the conference today because his 4th grade teacher called yesterday and said we needed to meet, only 1 week into school? What do you think?

 

[graygables]

[You still seem to be missing the point. Not all fathers are wealthy and not all fathers are the ones who left. Sometimes its the woman who slept around and ditched her husband. But the courts almost always go for the mother regardless of her actions (unless it's an abuse case) so the poor father loses his child, his house etc. You can't lump all non-custodial fathers together. Many many men in this country don't even make over $20,000 year after taxes. Here in the northeast, that doesn't even allow you to live comfortably. But the courts automatically grant to the woman, regardless of circumstances. Being a non-custodial parent can be hard too. Just think of all the fathers denied access to their children because of a spiteful ex. And don't say they can go back to court, because if they're paying out all they make between child support and trying to keep a roof over their own head they certainly can't afford a lawyer! [/B]

You do not have to have a lawyer at all. Most courts make the paperwork user-friendly and even will advise how to fill it out. If you've got a strong case, that's all you really need. That said, in my situation, over *11 years* ago, my ex had molested my then 4yo DD, we had testimony from CFS and a counselor and there was *still* a strong possibility that he would be given shared custody b/c he's in the military and "he is their dad" (the courts are very concerned about "keeping families together"). I'm sorry, but there was no way in h#$% that he was even going to visit them, much less keep them, which is why there were many negotiations and games before the decree was finally issued with him being pretty much excluded and my DDs still receiving support.

 

[grinningghost]

Originally posted by PattnFmly
I think people tend to think of the custodial mom as in desperate dire straights just because the FOB is not there anymore. But what about those women who remarry, have more children, and then complain that they don't get enough child support from the first father? The 2nd husband works, the woman does not, because her share of the household expenses comes from her first husband. Our perception in this country is always that the woman is the shafted one, but often it is just not true. Don't forget, that often the poor father isn't allowed to see his child, because the ex is so spiteful that she won't allow it. Not to mention the fact that she fills her child with hateful thoughts of the father, just because she hates him. Father's rights in this country are woeful and no one even cares.

Yes! Yes! Yes! My DH went through alot when it came to custody of his son - he went broke paying for lawyers to try and get custody - and still the courts awarded his ex custody. Didn't matter that she didn't work, kept on having more kids with different fathers, played the system, the works. There is absolutely no doubt that the kid would have done MUCH better living with us. Didn't matter. In this state, the mother generally gets custody, no matter the circumstances. And let's see... now the ex is a crackhead, the son is a high school dropout with no job and a nasty drug habit. All that child support money sure did wonders for him.

 

[jennyanydots]

there's a guy in my office, he's got custody of his daughter, his ex wife doesn't pay child support except when she feels like it...

a former neighbor of mine has custody of his sons. his ex is in a federal prison because she left the state to avoid child support payments.

so it's not always men who stick it to women. stupidity and selfishness come in both genders.

 

[mrsheppo]

My DH has been paying his child support regularly and has NEVER missed a payment. I knew of all this when I married him. His exwife still believes that she should receive all kinds of extra money above and beyond what he sends in CS. The money we know for a fact does not go for the kids. She is forever trying to remodel her house. Many times the kids will call and ask for money for food. If we send it, the ex still doesn't buy food with it. He used to even send a check every 2 weeks equal to 1/2 the support money. Having 26 paychecks per year, he was actually paying her an extra month's support a year. While he was single, he would send up to $5,000 extra a month to her. She still thinks we should be sending her this.

Yes, I receive child support for my kids. For many years before I remarried, there were many months that I never received a check. I only asked my ex once for extra money for a prescription when my oldest DD was very ill. He told me I could either have the money for the prescription or the CS, not both. I never asked him again for anything. My youngest is now 17 and he still owes me $8,500 in back support.