How much autonomy should an 18 year old home from college have?

[NYCgrrl]

You're doing some of those things because it's your personal choice. I never expected that from my mom who has lived alone for close to 30 years (sans a few years across time she had a roommates) when I was back at home for breaks during my freshman and sophomore year or when I was home on weekends working during those years. Even when I was living at home for 9 months after I graduated college once my apartment lease was up in my college town. Nor did she treat it like that with me.

She certainly never had that sort of relationship with her roommates when she had them.

She didn't dictate a dinner time and expect me to let her know if I would be there or not. The default is we're both responsible for our own meals, my mom stopped making my meals years prior to that. Sometimes we were eating at the same time together, most times not.

There's room to let someone know you're home if it's quite late (I'm saying wee hours of the morn). Or nowadays with cell phones just send a quick message but a curfew? No. There's more about letting someone know you're safe than following an arbitrary time to be home which is less adult-like.

The OP is talking about an 18 yr old away majority of the time at college, I assumed your initial comment was pertaining to having an 18+ at home occasionally.

Different strokes for different folks.

No matter where we are in the world and I mean that literally we know where other family members are; it’s how we function as a society in this culture. Most of us still eat together as a family. I’m glad you are comfortable with your relationship with your mother.

The basis of the relationship don’t change whether full or part time.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I guess the question is...did you ask b/c he comes home at 4am smelling of alcohol and weed and then crashing loudly into the house waking everyone (not okay) or he sneaks in quietly at 1:30am, instead of 1am, and just likes hanging with friends all weekend?

One, I would have some rules, b/c he's still underage, so certain things are not okay (especially if he is also driving your car)...another, and I wouldn't care.

 

[Southernmiss]

When he's at college, he is taking care of himself and doing ok, right?

He is truly doing what 18 year olds do. And how wonderful he can and know that you will be there for support.

It's not easy for us moms to let them go, but we have to.

At 18, he could be in the military where you would know much less about his day to day.

Be glad when you get some time with him. It goes too fast and then they won't be home at all.

 

[Babs Johnson]

DD lived at home and commuted to college, DS lived on campus.

We asked for them to text or call if their plans changed and they won’t be home for dinner or if they decided to stay overnight someplace else.

And if they come home at 3am, please be quiet.

Oh, and no friends in the house if we’re not there without permission first.

 

[clh2]

Our DD moved into our house after college. (We moved in the middle of her college, so it was a new area). She ended up with a great position at a company in our new area. We suggested living at home for awhile, so she could figure out housing in a relaxed manner, instead of in a panic-mode.


Our “rules”…no cooking after 9 pm. No curfew. She knew what time we were eating dinner. Come or not…no big deal; but we did not cook anything outside of what we were doing for dinner. And, she basically had the hallway bathroom to herself…including cleaning g responsibilities. We did not charge rent, as we wanted her to financially get on her feet (with respect to needing security deposits and stuff when she did move out.).

But the crap hit the fan the morning after she got home at 2:30 am. We found out she had started seeing a guy from work that lived 1,5 hours away, and we were irritated that she drove home 1.5 hours in the middle of the night. Absolutely no need to be driving in the middle of the night…unless she would have been concerned about her safety with that person, in which case she should have called.

Ultimately, she moved in with that guy, they stayed in that apartment until his lease was up, they got an apartment 5 minutes away from work, got married and we now have 3 grandchildren we see often.

My parents were horrid about rules when I came home from college. Ultimately, I stopped coming home, and even though I am in my 60’s, limit contact for a variety of reasons.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Different strokes for different folks.

No matter where we are in the world and I mean that literally we know where other family members are; it’s how we function as a society in this culture. Most of us still eat together as a family. I’m glad you are comfortable with your relationship with your mother.

The basis of the relationship don’t change whether full or part time.

Certainly sounds like different strokes for different folks, perhaps culturally different. Even as enmeshed as my mother-in-law wants to be with her kids she's not like that in needing to know the information you described even when they were home (which the now 27 year old has bounced back and forth over the years living at home and is currently back in grandmother's empty house for the second time renting it).

Conversely my sister-in-law's boyfriend who is Pakistani-American now they have a very different cultural expectation and there's hardly any room to breathe there (fine for them but a huge adjustment for my sister-in-law). She actually just told us a few weeks ago how she still feels very awkward when she goes out to dinner with his family and friends because they don't order themselves food, they order with the expectation that all the dishes are to share. She's like "but I order what I want because it's what I want" but that's not how it works for them.

So long as things are mutually discussed that's what I was getting at with your prior comments, it sounds more like laying down the rules and expectations to be followed for an adult, glad it's been clarified some at least

 

[laurajetter]

This comes across very confusing. If he has an apartment and is living independently he isn't living in the house. If he's coming home some weekends he also isn't living in the house.

The college he goes to doesn’t offer school housing, but they work with nearby apartments for students to use, so basically glorified dorms. Any time the school is closed, and of course over the summer, he is living at our house.

 

[laurajetter]

Why does he come home some weekends?

Is he doing it because you're pressuring him to come home?
Is he doing it because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do (come back home every now and then)?
Laundry?
Hang out with friends that are back in his hometown?

IMO forcing family time is not going to net you the result you want and a curfew for what reason?

Being respectful of your parents house should be automatic (as in things like noise level, guest policies (need to be reasonable IMO), etc. But by that token you'll need to adjust your own expectations, he's an 18 yr old at college, loosen up the reigns.

First and foremost he comes back because he likes to cashier to make a few bucks. Never does his laundry here, I guess it’s more of a hassle to lug all his clothes to his car. He’s been coming home a little more I think because his girlfriend lives down this way. He also attends church with us on the weekends he does come home.

I realize it is time to loosen the reigns, and we have been at least to some extent. That’s why I came here to find out what are reasonable expectations at this point since we haven’t traversed these waters before.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The college he goes to doesn’t offer school housing, but they work with nearby apartments for students to use, so basically glorified dorms. Any time the school is closed, and of course over the summer, he is living at our house.

I can understand you're meaning that housing is probably more atypical for that college however normally housing under University rules are usually different enough than what you experience with your average apartment bound by normal enough lease agreements, i.e. freedoms and realities of day to day living. Personally speaking living in my dorm felt a lot different than when I was in my apartment even with roommates. Although not going to lie I did like the meal plan when I lived in the dorms

First and foremost he comes back because he likes to cashier to make a few bucks. Never does his laundry here, I guess it’s more of a hassle to lug all his clothes to his car. He’s been coming home a little more I think because his girlfriend lives down this way. He also attends church with us on the weekends he does come home.

I realize it is time to loosen the reigns, and we have been at least to some extent. That’s why I came here to find out what are reasonable expectations at this point since we haven’t traversed these waters before.

So he's basically a normal college student And he's working at least at times when he's home? That's great!

I think it's lovely that he attends church with you. He's still doing some activities with you but I don't think you want to keep pushing that he needs to do activities with you just because. That has a tendency to make something more obligatory.

Just my opinion but part of what you're perceiving his reactions to be may just be him having a significant other trying to date someone back in his hometown where it's not as logical to commute 1 hour, fitting in time to work, fit in some time with his family and that's not even getting into branching out more into what he as a person is.

My first semester of college I was at home during the weekends (mostly work but some I had a lot of friends back in my hometown) more than my second semester. Sophomore year of college even less than second semester of my freshman year. And when I got my apartment I was never home. This is the second semester (assuming normal schedules for colleges) of his freshman year, I would expect more itching to have that freedom as he's finding more of his groove in life

 

[fla4fun]

I feel as long as there is respect on both sides and there is open communication, then you don’t need a lot of rules. For example, there doesn’t need to be a curfew if the young adult communicates when they plan to be out all night and they come home quietly when they know others are sleeping. I am sure that the young adult would be concerned if their parents simply didn’t come home one day. It’s the same for the parents. Also, no one wants to wake up in the night wondering if it’s their family member or a home invader making noise at 3:00 am. It’s not about control or obedience at this age. It’s more about treating people the way you would like to be treated, being kind and showing respect for others. Some young adults learn this more quickly than others.

I can understand having a serious conversation about house rules if there are younger siblings at home. This is when the respect is so important, in both directions. I don’t feel that the young adult should undermine the rules that are still in force for their siblings. That doesn’t mean they have to follow the same rules, but there should be some discretion when not following them. I never wanted to be the cause of my younger sister breaking her rules and getting in trouble when it was a rule I no longer had to follow.

Each situation is going to be different because every parent/child relationship is different, but if both sides practice respect and talk things out calmly when there is an issue, that can go a long way towards making the transition easier.

 

[TippyThomas]

I have no children so take this with however many grains of salt required, but I think it would be communication and respect that would be the things that solve this to a large degree.

 

[brockash]

Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).

I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.

I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.

Who's paying fr college/dorms. If you are, then he's certainly still a kid and shouldn't be expecting to be treated as an adult. If he's paying his own way, then I can see him expecting more independence, but even then I think a conversation about it is worth havving.

 

[tvguy]

Never really had any rules for my two kids other than common sense stuff. Pickup after yourself. Keep the noise down when mom and or dad are sleeping. But I got up many times to find another kid sleeping on a couch.
I never had any real rules either.'
My MIL did try imposing some rules on my wife, who lived at home while in College. But how can you expect your child to be home by 11 pm when their part time job hours don't end until midnight? And my MIL apparently at first stayed up until my wife got home for our first few dates. But when you work until Midnight, a date might be going to a late late movie until 2 am, grabbing a snack at Dennys, and not getting home until 3 am.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that once they are out, they are out, and the "rules" need to change to agreements for mutual comfort and respect. If my DS26 comes home now, he's a guest in our home, and we expect him to act like one: pick up his messes, do his own laundry if he needs to, ask if he wishes to borrow the car (and gas it up when he's finished with it.) He can come and go as he pleases, but he needs to be respectful of our routines, and especially, keep the noise down after his Dad has gone to bed. We don't mind if he brings an overnight guest home (no total strangers to him, but OK if we don't know the kid), but DH & I are not going to want to run into that person in our nightclothes on the way to our one bathroom, so we need to be notified via a text.

I'm wondering if the "family activity" the OP is most concerned about is actually church services, in which case it's a much bigger issue than a dinner out or a family game night. I can see it becoming a bone of contention that goes right along with the curfew if the church service is in the morning, not to mention the possible question of a young adult who has become a non-churchgoer in his new home feeling a bit hypocritical about going only when visiting the parents, but not really wanting to have that blow-up with his churchgoing parents. (I remember that when I was a college RA, the number-one small freedom that most freshman seemed thrilled to have was the choice to skip church and sleep in on Sundays. I worked at a big public school in the South, and I can tell you that 99% of the people who left the dorm on a Sunday morning were headed out wearing running shoes and headphones; they were not on their way to church.)

 

[lilmc]

I realize it is time to loosen the reigns

I feel like at this point they’re adults, baby adults, but adults nonetheless. My 18 yr freshman has no rules when she comes home for rare weekends other than those I would expect from a “respectful roommate” type scenario. Clean up after yourself, not being loud after certain hours, and respectfully letting us know if going to be out late.

 

[disykat]

I feel like at this point they’re adults, baby adults, but adults nonetheless. My 18 yr freshman has no rules when she comes home for rare weekends other than those I would expect from a “respectful roommate” type scenario. Clean up after yourself, not being loud after certain hours, and respectfully letting us know if going to be out late.

I agree, but I'll add more to the respectful roommate scenario. Respectful roommates adhere to basic "rules of the house" in terms of cleanliness, behavioral expectations, etc. so while there aren't "rules" there are definite expectations. Roommates generally agree on those expectations together, but in the case of an adult child coming home they need to fall into the expectations of the household that have been long standing.

One of my adult children moved home for about a year after college and still comes to visit regularly. I know he has some different "rules" at his own home, but always follows what he knows are our expectations when he comes home. We've never had to even discuss it. I did the same with my parents.

 

[kyton]

Our eldest 18yo DD has just started at uni 2hrs away. This semester her classes are only Mon-Wed so even though she has a dorm room she drives home Wednesday after class then returns Sunday evening.

This way she keeps her part time job here plus sees her friends and family. She is expected to participate in Sunday brunch with us (includes both widowed grandmothers).

We have a tracking app on her phone anyway so can see where she is but we do have the expectation that she tells us when and where she is going. If she has work the next day, she is expected to be home by midnight.

Here in Australia she is of legal age so can go out drinking / host her friends here for drinks. The only rules around drinking are NEVER drink and drive plus phone your parents if you ever need a lift home - no questions asked. Why pay for an Uber when your Mum or Dad is willing to come and pick you up. My FIL said the same thing to us when we were 18 so we have the same rule.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think, as others have stated, that it's less about set rules and more about mutual respect and communication. Our DD20 lives on campus, but locally--she drops by all the time, sometimes with friends. We let her know our home is open to all--anyone who wants a meal or snack, pool time, pet therapy, etc. We let her friends know if they need "parental" input--from cooking instruction to fixing something--we're happy to help.

We don't have curfews when she's home, but she has to tell us where she's going and when she expects to be back. If plans change, a quickie text is fine. We'll leave the porch light on for her. We also ask for work schedules to be written on the calendar--we have 4 cars and 5 licensed drivers, we can usually make it work, but it helps to know.

If we have family plans (DS26 especially likes Family Game Night), we ask for input before picking a day/time. This week is Spring Break, so DD20 is home, but her HS friends are also in town, so we might not see much of her.

 

[NannyBeBe]

We do not allow smoking, drinking, cursing, and a few other things in our home and would expect that anyone visiting, including adult children, abide by our rules. We would have no issues with our children because they have the same rules in their homes.

 

[mousefan73]

Never really had any rules for my two kids other than common sense stuff. Pickup after yourself. Keep the noise down when mom and or dad are sleeping. But I got up many times to find another kid sleeping on a couch.
I

I always told my kids ask first for overnight guests, you can call or wake us up, but if I found a random person on the couch I still wouldnt be that upset, more grateful that somebody had the sound mind to crash and be safe vs. walking home on a highway, hitchhiking, or driving under or with somebody under the influence or simply late at night tired with other idiots on the roads...

Might be annoyed but as a parent I hope other parents accept the same occassional, random couch guest.. to keep our kids safe.