How many chances on a cheating spouse-partner?

[Charlotte ~08]

I was watching a programme last night on spouses/partners cheating and how many chances would you give them, if any.

I am once a partner cheats, thats it, no chances. I might love that person still for a while, but I would never be able to trust them 100% again.

I have been in this situation before when I was married, and although I was little doubtful earlier on, am really glad I never let him back in my life. He did try on and off over the years saying he was sorry and the rest, but it took him a while to realise I didn't want-respect-love him anymore, just leave me alone!

 

[NY Disney fan]

It all depends on the situation. Sometimes a marriage can become better than it was before the infidelity. But like I said, it depends. A one-night stand is more "fixable" than a long-term secret affair that went on for years.

 

[momto2girls]

That's a tough call for me. Fortunately, I'm happily married and haven't dealt with this issue. If (heaven forbid) my spouse cheated on me, I think it would really depend on the circumstances. I would be devastated no matter what, of course, but I think it is highly unlikely that I would simply leave. I wouldn't want to put my children through the trauma of us splitting up. Plus, I married once and once is it for me. So, it would be best for me to work on my marriage.

Fortunately, I married a prince so I hope to never have to worry about this situation.

 

[mickeyboat]

I voted no idea. I used to say no chances - that infidelity was a deal-breaker. But 16 years and 2 kids later, I am not quite so sure. There would be a lot to consider, and a lot to get over, but there is a possibility I would stay under the right circumstances.

Denae

 

[NMAmy]

I was in that situation with my first husband. We'd been married for 12 years, had a beautiful daughter, and neither I nor anyone who knew us thought he would have an affair. He lied to me and everyone we knew--including his mother. I got the fun, fun job of breaking it to her when she called me to chew me out for being mean to him and kicking him out of the house. You know, for no reason when he loved me SOOO much.

So, for me, I know that it is a definite deal breaker. There is no way I could ever put up with it nor do I want my dd to see me as someone who would let a spouse treat me so disrespectfully.

I've remarried and DH is well aware of my feelings on the matter.

 

[Camicar]

Real life: If you give someone a second chance at anything, they have learned the lesson that it's okay to screw you over bec there were no negative consequences. Therefore, they are MORE likely to screw you over twice, bec they expect to be forgiven again.

 

[java]

It all depends on the situation. Sometimes a marriage can become better than it was before the infidelity. But like I said, it depends. A one-night stand is more "fixable" than a long-term secret affair that went on for years.

Better for who? I say one time cheat that's it. Being so selfish thinking only of their own needs at the expense of the spouse. That's a deal breaker for me. Would it hurt like hell to do it. Yes but I would have to - I couldn't live my life wondering what if's.

I have a friend whose father cheated on her mother. Many many times- mostly one nighters. Never anything long term. They just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I didn't know what they were celebrating? He made a mockery of the marriage and she let him. Yes she stayed married but at what price?

 

[Chattyaholic]

I voted once. I would want to try and work things out, and keep my marriage vows "for better, for worse", "in good times and in bad" in tact. It would be hard to regain trust, but with counseling it is possible. I've seen it first hand with another couple that this happened to.

But more than once, I don't think I could forgive that.

 

[ChillyWilleys]

You get married, thats your first, last, and only chance.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

I've seen many marriages where cheating has occurred and the marriage has gone on to become stronger. So, I say once. If they didn't learn their lesson the first time, there are no second chances.

 

[momto2girls]

Better for who? I say one time cheat that's it. Being so selfish thinking only of their own needs at the expense of the spouse. That's a deal breaker for me. Would it hurt like hell to do it. Yes but I would have to - I couldn't live my life wondering what if's.

I have a friend whose father cheated on her mother. Many many times- mostly one nighters. Never anything long term. They just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I didn't know what they were celebrating? He made a mockery of the marriage and she let him. Yes she stayed married but at what price?

I have known couples like this too and I used to think harshly about them, but I just can't anymore. No one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage and what works for them. Obviously that wife chose to live with his infidelity because she got something else out of their marriage.

Like I said, I've never been in this situation, but it would take an awful lot for me to end my marriage. I was a child of divorce and I don't want my children to experience that so I'd be willing to sacrifice a whole lot for them. Plus, I would have no interest in ever marrying or dating again, so a less-than-ideal marriage (as long as there was no abuse involved) sounds preferable to life alone.

Once again, this is hard for me to imagine though because I am in a good marriage and have never experienced this firsthand.

 

[Acklander]

I'd have to say it depends. If it was just a one night stand or just a sex thing. I could work on it. If he fell in love with someone else, I'd think it would be better for us to just move on with our lives elsewhere.

 

[my2boyzrock]

No second chances here! I don't care if it was a one night stand or a torrid affair. "I promise to be true to you...forsaking all others"

I had a bf years ago that I dated for 4 years. He cheated on me, and I tried to forgive him and get past it, but whenever we were intimate(or tried to be), all I could think of was him w/ her. It was all over at that point.

 

[heidica]

I voted no idea. I used to say no chances - that infidelity was a deal-breaker. But 16 years and 2 kids later, I am not quite so sure. There would be a lot to consider, and a lot to get over, but there is a possibility I would stay under the right circumstances.

Denae

I'd have to say it depends. If it was just a one night stand or just a sex thing. I could work on it. If he fell in love with someone else, I'd think it would be better for us to just move on with our lives elsewhere.

This is pretty much how I feel and I voted "Other" because I feel like it depends on the circumstances. Like mickeyboat said, it used to be cut-and-dry for me, but not any more and so I would take other things into account. Infidelity is not something I have ever experienced and nor is it something I would tolerate but having been married awhile now, I'm not sure I would walk away. It just depends, so I can't really say until I knew the full story.

 

[Thats_for_Shore]

I think it's easy to say I WOULD NEVER TAKE HIM BACK!

But I also think it's one of those situations where you don't really know what you would do unless it happened to you.

I always say, hell no, you'd be outta here! But I also know from other people's experiences, it doesn't always happen like that.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I could give one chance, if he were genuinely contrite, and depending on the reasons for the infidelity to begin with. Mistakes are human, and it's not that hard to get sucked into something you never intended under the right set of circumstances. However, I would expect him to be a lot wiser after something like that happened, and to be able to avoid situations where it might happen again. I'd also expect both of us to learn a lesson about becoming "disconnected" from each other (as a great many instances of infidelity happen when spouses aren't "connected").

I don't think I could give more than one chance, though - if DH were unfaithful twice it would indicate to me that either he hasn't learned anything from the previous affair, or he just doesn't care enough. Or maybe he and I just aren't succeeding at our relationship and it's time to call it quits.

There are certain things that would cause me to give him no chances at all e.g. if he went out of his way to hurt me, or if he was completely blase about the whole thing, or if he was in love with her and just couldn't stop mentioning her name or calling her or somehow keeping in touch (even though not technically "cheating" any more). Or if he mananged to keep up a really long and involved affair without my ever suspecting - I'm not sure I could trust again after that. In my mind he would be too good an actor, and I would feel like I would never again know how to "read" him.

 

[Poohnatic]

I was in that situation with my first husband. We'd been married for 12 years, had a beautiful daughter, and neither I nor anyone who knew us thought he would have an affair. He lied to me and everyone we knew--including his mother. I got the fun, fun job of breaking it to her when she called me to chew me out for being mean to him and kicking him out of the house. You know, for no reason when he loved me SOOO much.

So, for me, I know that it is a definite deal breaker. There is no way I could ever put up with it nor do I want my dd to see me as someone who would let a spouse treat me so disrespectfully.

I've remarried and DH is well aware of my feelings on the matter.

Other than the child involved, I could have written this post. Mine called his folks and said "here's my new phone number" and nothing else. The inlaws called the old number to find out what was going on.

I wasn't home, so they got the machine. I'd been blindsided and in a bad state, so I'd recorded "You've reached --- --- ----. No one can take your call right now. If you're trying to reach (ex's name), well, that's too bad" His sister, who had my work number then called me and I told what he didn't. (Ironically enough, she was calling me for a couple of years later, trying to get me to consider taking him back. Never mind that he was living with the woman he was cheating with!)

For three weeks, I thought nothing of taking him back. Once in therapy, though, I saw the major issues that I hadn't and there was no way.

Now? My DH knows it's a deal breaker for me (unless someone wants to give him a million dollars for one night's companionship, lol!)

Suzzanne

 

[DorkyDisneyMom]

I think for me it would be once. I am willing to work on it, if you are willing to work on it too. It has happened to my mom with two of her husbands and she left the first. She tried with the second one and he wasn't willing to work on it. She also somehow managed to marry the same jerk in a different body both times.

I like to think that I have chosen better. My husband is a great guy. I don't think he would do that to me. I also think that me being a child of 3 divorces gives me a little better perspective. I hope to never put my children through anything like that. I hope that my husband and I are proactive enough that it will never come to him having to look to someone else. We have been to counseling before and I wouldn't hesitate to go again. We learned some great tools of communication and intimacy there.

So for me the answer would be once.

 

[englishteacha]

A friend married about 2 years ago, and found out this past spring her DH had begun an affair just weeks after their wedding. They moved to a new city, tried to make it work, but she couldn't trust him. He couldn't keep his vows for a couple of weeks! I completely support her decision to leave. I don't think I would stay in a marriage if my spouse cheated.

This weekend I met a family (yes, family, there are children) who have an "open marriage." Mom has a boyfriend, dad has a girlfriend, and the boyfriend and girlfriend conveniently are roommates. Everyone involved is aware. The kids treat the gf/bf like family...though I don't know what will happen once they're older. They're around 8 now. I wonder if the GF/BF could have their own second relationships? The married couple are together because they're "soooo madly in love." But how can that be if each of you has another relationship?? I'm baffled.

 

[Passions71203]

I am sure I will get flamed for this...IMHO you should get 1 chance after that happened..