How mad should I be at my teenager?

[RosieRosie]

I was driving my 17- year old daughter to school today as I do everyday. We live about one mile from school. We cannot afford to get her a car right now. I do not mind driving her. I told her that she was going to have to get gas on the way and she told me it was my responsibility, that she puts gas in the car when she is driving so since I am driving, I should put it in (either way, it’s with my credit car-I always pay for the gas, no matter how much she drives the car, I always pay for the gas). Yeah, I’m driving, I told her, but I’m driving you to school! I pay her share of the car insurance ($40 per month) and just got her a cell phone ($25 per month). She does 20 minutes of chores a week and gripes every time I remind her about the chores. She is an only child and I am a single parent. I do take some of the blame as I believe I did spoil her during her life. Any advice? I don’t want to do too little nor do I want to do too much in the form of punishment. Thank you!

 

[pw2pp]

Maybe you should stop paying for the cell phone and/or car insurance and let her EARN the money by doing jobs around the house (or by getting a job) and then SHE can pay for the phone and insurance. That way the control (whether or not she has money) is in her hands - If she doesn't EARN, then she doesn't get the rewards.

 

[believe]

I would have been tempted to tell her to get out and finish walking to school. I would definitely quit paying her way. She can always babysit or find a weekend job to pay her bills.

 

[barrett7890]

Can she walk to school?

 

[Lorix2]

My DD is only almost 12, but I think that when I am driving her to school, I will not ask for gas money. It's a place we expect them to go, not somewhere they are asking to go.

Even if she does put gas in your car, won't you be the one using most of it? Especially if the school is so close to your home?

If she was taking the car to go far and constantly, then I would ask her to provide the gas....but I think for school is a bit much.

 

[RosieRosie]

It's about a mile walk and I would rather her not walk. I did tell her to walk to school from the gas station - she was not happy as it was cold out and the school was about 3 blocks away.

I want to be somewhat careful as I raised her this way her whole life - so I do take some blame. What kid wouldn't take advantage of a good life?

 

[pw2pp]

I want to be somewhat careful as I raised her this way her whole life - so I do take some blame.

Well it is never too late to teach a person about responsibility, if you don't start NOW when will she ever learn it?
I don't think you have to make a big deal about gas money for driving to school (I mean, doesn't it only cost maybe 30 cents to drive a mile?), HOWEVER, I would start teaching responsibility and how to EARN in the other ways that I mentioned in my previous post.

 

[SoonerKate]

Honestly? It sounds to me like she's just acting her age. I would let her start paying for her own cell phone, though -- especially since the first few bills will probably cost way more than $25 a month until she learns the restraints of her minutes.

 

[karebear1]

If you have an arrangement with your daughter that she is to pay for these things, and she isn't paying you for them, then by all means.... do yourself, and more importantly - your daughter, a favor and stop paying for these privledges before it's too late! I speak from experience. She is 17 and old enough to get a job. If she wants a cell phone (and by the way- I sure hope you made her agree to some kind of limit on that phone because I can almost guarantee she'll over run the minutes and that is VERY expensive), she should be paying for it. Same goes for the car. If you tell them they are supposed to pay "X" amount for their insurance then make them pay it just like they'll have to pay a bill- on time! If she doesn't pay it on time, then you do just what a real car insurance company would do- take the car priveledge away from her until it is paid. That's how it is in the real world and she needs to understand that. Your DD's attitude reminds me of my DD's when she was that age! If you don't help her understand the concept of paying debts, she will become a miserable young woman in .... say... 5 years. I speak from experience- please, do yourself and your DD a favor- it'll be easier now then later!

 

[Gupsmom]

I will not ask for gas money. It's a place we expect them to go, not somewhere they are asking to go.

I believe the Mom was paying. She said it was her credit card. I think she just wanted her DD to pump the gas.

Jess

 

[kasar]

I pay her share of the car insurance ($40 per month) and just got her a cell phone ($25 per month). She does 20 minutes of chores a week and gripes every time I remind her about the chores.

This is the part that gets me. While it is your responsibility to get her to school she needs to know that you are providing many other extras that you don't have to. It sounds like she may need a little attitude adjustment to appreciate all you do for her. Don't feel guilty about the way you raised her, at 17 she knows that not every kid has their cell phone and insurance paid for by their parents, she knows all you do for her and how little she contributes. It's time for her to take some responsibility and realize that you provide for her because you love her and want her to have things but these things come with conditions - like appreciation and basic respect.

 

[Pete's Mom]

I am 35 and I cannot believe the things that teenagers "expect" to be "given" to them these days.

"You can't afford to buy her a car?"

When I was a teenager, you worked and saved your own money to buy a car and if you were lucky, your parents chipped in to help a little.

Tell your daughter that I rode the bus to school until the day I graduated high school and that I didn't get a cell phone until I was 28!!! She should be thankful to have a parent like you and should show it by chipping in and helping more around the house at the least. Just my opinion.

 

[Chattyaholic]

If she was my daughter I wouldn't expect her to give me gas money to take her to school, to me that is a parent's responsibility if you don't want her to walk to school, or ride the school bus.

But at age 17 she's definitely old enough to get a part-time job, to earn her own money to pay for her cell phone, etc.

I raised a son and daughter, my son started working (at the local race track on Saturday, and for various local farmers helping with the milking) at age 14 and my daughter started working (as a dishwasher for a year, then waitress) at a local restaurant when she was 15. Earning their own money made them quickly realize the value of a dollar!!

 

[peg2001]

Rosie,

I wouldn't make too much of an issue over her not wanting to pump the gas. BUT, if she is 17 and you are a single parent, she should DEFINITELY be doing more than 20 minutes of chores a week at home. I think she should shoulder HALF the household chores. I would focus on this. If she refuses, start dropping the privileges you are paying for.

Peggy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Were you expecting her to pay for the gas or pump the gas?

 

[pw2pp]

My daughter (almost 16) has heard me and my husband say so many times, that we started working when we were 14 years old. I worked as a dishwasher and he worked as a bus-boy.
Neither one of us were handed a car (we had to buy our own).
She has been saving up towards a car and in the meantime, we have an extra car (I bought a new one and never sold the first one), so we told her she can "use" that car and then 2 years later, our son can "use" that car.

 

[Gupsmom]

As for the cell phone. I used to think I'd never let my kids have one, then my nieces (16 and 15) got this neat phone. You pay an initial charge (the girls got the initial charge paid as a birthday present) and then you prepay for the minutes. So, my nieces prepay for, let's say, 60 minutes of phone time (BTW ...my nieces pay it, not their parents). Once the 60 minutes are up they have to prepay for another chunk of time before they can use the phone. There is also a small semi-annual charge.

I think I would consider this for my kids...esp if they have as many activities as my nieces (golf, tennis, swimming, school musicals etc). They have a way to get in touch with me in emergencies, I get peace of mind and NO worries about them ringing up a big bill.

Jess

 

[RosieRosie]

I edited the original post - I pay for the gas for the car. Thanks for everyone's input!

 

[minniecarousel]

Rosie - I think you're talking about attitude here more than anything else. Is it possible for your daughter to get a part time job? She should definitely be doing more than 20 minutes of chores per week. My DSs would both give me an attitude of entitlement when they were teenagers (now that they're in their 20's, they appreciate what we did for them back then) So, part of it is her age. Good luck!

 

[lsyorke]

I'm just jealous that it only costs 40.00/month for her insurance!!!Just got a quote for DS and its going to be $1600/year and he only has a permit!! He was told very quickly to get a job if he wants to drive!!