How long should relatives visit/stay in a home for?

[descovy]

I think it depends on the type of visit.

My mom and my FIL each visit a Fri-Mon (not together!). They don't drive and they depend on us for full entertainment. This means no work and 3 active kids that drop all activities for the weekend to entertain. Adding to that, my FIL likes to do touristy things, which for a few years was okay. But we have lived in Houston for 14 years now and he visits 3-4 times a year. We are running out of ideas!

My dad and stepmom came to visit last Jan via RV. They were going to stay a week and kill 2 birds with one stone by having their RV worked on at the Camping World in my town. A comedy of errors ensued at Camping World and they didn't leave until March! However it was an easy visit. They drive, were happy to explore the city on their own, and even helped shuttle kids to activities when unexpected things came up. We even bought and sold a vehicle during their stay.

No way we could full stop entertain for 2 months, like my mom or FIL, but could easily host dad and stepmom making their own fun and helping out! It sounds like such a mundane visit, but I feel like my kids got to know them on a different level than the other grandparents who visit more often that we drop everything for.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for everyone for the comments and voting! I didn't want to give too many details so I could show this unbiased poll to DH so he can see that his mother actually comes a LOT longer than most people would visitors for.

My mother in law has visited twice a year regularly for more than 8 years I would say and has stayed quite a long time, about 6 weeks each visit. 12 weeks a year though has just become too much for me and the longer we know each other the less well we seem to get along together. I think that the extremely long visits are part of that reason.

Recently when I was pregnant I told DH that it had really become too much and I didn't want her to keep visiting 12 weeks a year. DH was a little understanding and agreed to a 4 week visit but made some comments about how short 4 weeks was, I was denying her a decent visit, etc... so I started this poll because I had a feeling that most people would not want visitors even 4 weeks at a time and I had to show him that.

So she visited in July for 4 weeks (the month of July basically) and DH wants her to come next at the end of October for 5 weeks which made me feel very stressed... it will have only been 12 weeks in-between visits and 5 more weeks in such a short time period is a little much for me.



She does entertain herself on her I-pad and I don't entertain her anymore. The first few years I tried but it's just too much so I don't do it anymore. I do offer for her to go with me when I go to a store but even that can be cumbersome because nothing is even a slightly quick trip and takes double as long than if I do it myself. She also pretty much refuses to cook dinner although she does do the dishes. I agree that maybe he should spend more quality time with her alone.






This is how I feel. Although sometimes she does do things that are annoying but I am sure I do some as well. She loves to rearrange things and when I come home everything she doesn't like is pushed into corners so it can't easily be seen, for example and she comments on the cleanliness of our kitchen hand towel. I did do the countdown thing on her last visit.

Denying her a decent visit? Yea right. He does not want to hear it from her. I would tell him nice try.

OP, you have to come up with a compromise with your dh that works for you.

If he wants her to visit for that long then you have to make it so it is a more comfortable visit for you. Meaning he has to help you more with chores or other projects.

Is it possible to check into a hotel, go visit friends, etc..and get a "mental health break" during her stay?

Instead of focusing on the problem, work on ways to solve this between you. Tell him that it has become very difficult for you to have her here this long and something has to give.

Good Luck!

 

[mrsklamc]

If four weeks is so short, did he take off during that time to see her?

Do you/they have any friends here with parents in that culture, and if so how long do they visit for?

 

[shortbun]

As long as she pitches in around the house, I''d be ok with a month or more. Cooking, cleaning and being low maintenance would be encouraged out loud. Get her a Kindle or some other tablet so she can read.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

My parents are from the Far East. The cost and distance for travel make ANY trip here and over there considered super short if it was under 3 weeks.

Ideally any trip would be at least 4-6 weeks. We know of families that do this EVERY year and others that do it every 2 to 5 years. The longer the interval between trips, the longer the stay.

Never heard of long trips TWICE a year. If the cost and distance makes twice a year possible, I think 3-4 weeks each is really long enough.

I'd give DH a choice, 2 shorter trips of under 4 weeks or one long one a year of up to 8 weeks.

Sounds like Your DH is an only child? It's more like she is moving in with your family and spending time in her country as an extended vacation. Have you discussed with your DH if that will be his ultimate plan when his Mom gets older? Does she have close family where she lives? I assume your FIL is gone if he doesn't visit with her?

My DH and I discussed all this before we got married. We are very Americanized but having generationals living together is not foreign to us. My grandfather lived with my parents and me for the last few years of his life. I handled all his financial and medical affairs. DH's grand mom is still living and lives with in a 2 family house with 2 of her children and their respective families.

We, OTOH, do not enjoy houseguests for more than 3 days. The fish analogy is soooo true. The longest we have had houseguests has been a week.

So, even before we got married we made a decision. I am am only child. DH is one of 3. So, even though, he is the oldest and a son, his parents will never come live with us. They have other children. We would live near my parents for the rest of their lives and they would live with us if necessary one day.

We've been married 17 years and my parents have not spent a single night under our roof. We have also live near enough to each other. We lived in the same building with them for the first 13 years of marriage. We now moved away but I still see them almost every day. If they needed to be closer to us when they are older, we may have to move and find a place with a mother/daughter setup or 2 townhouses or apartments side by side so we can all have our privacy.

You need to talk to your DH before he moves his mom in permanently against your wishes...

Good luck.

 

[scrapquitler]

I'm slightly evil and manipulative, so in your situation I might schedule myself and the baby a trip to visit my Mom for part of when MIL comes to visit.

I might also consider telling my DH that I'm concerned that his Mom might be 'bored' visiting me for so long and that I'm worried about 'her privacy' on these prolonged trips, and that he might want to consider adding an in-law apartment onto our house so that Mom had her own space, could arrange her things the way she wants while she's here, cook her own meals, etc. Then when she comes 'she' won't be inconvenienced.

And I might suggest that HE takes some time off work to keep her occupied while she's here.

 

[etoiles]

If he wants her to visit for that long then you have to make it so it is a more comfortable visit for you. Meaning he has to help you more with chores or other projects.

Is it possible to check into a hotel, go visit friends, etc..and get a "mental health break" during her stay?

When you mention that he should help out more it is funny because anytime she hears me ask him if he could do something while she is here she does it immediately. She would do all his chores for him if she could!

I do usually plan a girls night or something during her stay but I am usually working and do not have time off since I plan her visits while I am working since work is my daily break! I am planning though on becoming a stay at home mom so that will be much harder!

If four weeks is so short, did he take off during that time to see her?

Do you/they have any friends here with parents in that culture, and if so how long do they visit for?

It is a good point you and a few other posters made that he should see her more during a shorter visit. He usually does not take time off during her trips here except one or two days and he sometimes does one shopping day with her and dinner out just the two of them.

We don't know many other people from Holland and one that we do has parents that live in the next state. They just go for weekends here and there.

My parents are from the Far East. The cost and distance for travel make ANY trip here and over there considered super short if it was under 3 weeks.

Ideally any trip would be at least 4-6 weeks. We know of families that do this EVERY year and others that do it every 2 to 5 years. The longer the interval between trips, the longer the stay.

Never heard of long trips TWICE a year. If the cost and distance makes twice a year possible, I think 3-4 weeks each is really long enough.

I'd give DH a choice, 2 shorter trips of under 4 weeks or one long one a year of up to 8 weeks.

Sounds like Your DH is an only child? It's more like she is moving in with your family and spending time in her country as an extended vacation. Have you discussed with your DH if that will be his ultimate plan when his Mom gets older? Does she have close family where she lives? I assume your FIL is gone if he doesn't visit with her?

You need to talk to your DH before he moves his mom in permanently against your wishes...

Good luck.

I guess it is obvious he is an only child! She does live a few houses down from her sister so that is good. We have talked about her moving here. She cannot move to the US legally unless DH becomes a citizen. He has asked her multiple times if she would want to move here eventually and she does not. We both agree she would not live with us. He is not a citizen and it would take a while before he could become one. He currently has zero interest in it.

I'm slightly evil and manipulative, so in your situation I might schedule myself and the baby a trip to visit my Mom for part of when MIL comes to visit.

I might also consider telling my DH that I'm concerned that his Mom might be 'bored' visiting me for so long and that I'm worried about 'her privacy' on these prolonged trips, and that he might want to consider adding an in-law apartment onto our house so that Mom had her own space, could arrange her things the way she wants while she's here, cook her own meals, etc. Then when she comes 'she' won't be inconvenienced.

And I might suggest that HE takes some time off work to keep her occupied while she's here.

I do visit my mom but I must admit my father is even a harder person to spend time with and can't stay at their home too long. Her own place would be fantastic but too much moola.

Thanks everyone. I feel better about asking for shorter visits and agree DH needs to spend more time with her to make them more meaningful.

 

[englishteacha]

I think after a few days I'd be ready for my normal life back.

 

[bluesaturn]

Well I have not said the country where he is from so how can you judge whether this poll is accurate or not? Regardless of his culture (in which I know not ONE of his relatives that lives with their parents btw, not even a 99 year old aunt does not live with her son) I still feel that I get a say in what happens in my own home and I think that seeing how other Americans (Since I am American) feel about it is pretty accurate as to how I feel. Seeing this poll that most people would not want to have others staying in their home that long has actually helped him see that my requests for shorter visits are what most people would want.

I agree you get a say with what happens in your own home. I also have no idea what culture your husband is from and really don't need to know. I never said, in this culture they do this... I just said that answers to this depend on culture. You completely get just as much say about your home as your husband, but I don't think telling him what other people do is really a helpful thing. And when when I've had this discussions in the past it's always gone best when both people's cultures are taken into account. Personally I would be very annoyed if my significant other tried to bring a "other people on a message board say" into an important discussion, but I am not your husband.