How long should relatives visit/stay in a home for?

[ilovefh]

I think it depends on a lot of factors.

My parents come for two weeks in the fall and usually 6-8 weeks in the winter and when DS was born my mom came for 7 weeks.

When they come in the fall and winter they have a vehicle and they are self sufficient. They go to the parks, to the beach and they go see their friends on both coasts. In the winter my sister also comes down and they all spend a week at a Disney hotel.

We love having them. DH gets along with them.

It's the reason we're planning to move back to NH in June.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I voted as long as the INS will allow if you are OK with that.

Bottom line it is a personal decision between you and your visitors.

I grew up with a "summer home" and lots of visitors so having people stay with me is no big deal.

 

[anniemae]

I am a hotel person. When we go visit family in Seattle, we always stay in a hotel. We have 2 small kids and I just hate to be at someones house if they are cranky, having a tantrum etc. I also like to have a place to go and relax, I feel like I can't do that at someones house. I am too conscious of their schedule and not wanting to disturb them, and worried about the kids acting up. This way, we can leave and go back to the hotel and stick to our own schedule and control the visit so to speak.

That said, I kind of expect the same with visitors to our area. I don't like hosting people. A lot of that is due to our young children. My SIL and her DH may come in January and I hope they stay at a hotel. OUr kids have school and homework and we have little room in our weekday schedule to entertain them. OUr kids go to bed early during school weeks and it will be a huge disruption. Plus we have a 3 bedroom house, so one of the kids will have to bunk with us. However, I would never say "no" to family who asks if they can stay with us.

 

[etoiles]

Thanks for everyone for the comments and voting! I didn't want to give too many details so I could show this unbiased poll to DH so he can see that his mother actually comes a LOT longer than most people would visitors for.

My mother in law has visited twice a year regularly for more than 8 years I would say and has stayed quite a long time, about 6 weeks each visit. 12 weeks a year though has just become too much for me and the longer we know each other the less well we seem to get along together. I think that the extremely long visits are part of that reason.

Recently when I was pregnant I told DH that it had really become too much and I didn't want her to keep visiting 12 weeks a year. DH was a little understanding and agreed to a 4 week visit but made some comments about how short 4 weeks was, I was denying her a decent visit, etc... so I started this poll because I had a feeling that most people would not want visitors even 4 weeks at a time and I had to show him that.

So she visited in July for 4 weeks (the month of July basically) and DH wants her to come next at the end of October for 5 weeks which made me feel very stressed... it will have only been 12 weeks in-between visits and 5 more weeks in such a short time period is a little much for me.

I said 2 weeks since she's so far away; however, I wouldn't feel obligated to entertain her on a daily basis. I'd ask if she wanted to go with me as I did the shopping and errands. I'd enlist her help in preparing DH favorite meals from his childhood and offer her a selection of reading material magazine, etc and instructions on how to use the TV. AND, most importantly, I'd insure that DH had quality time alone with his Mother. Some men may need prodding to do this

She does entertain herself on her I-pad and I don't entertain her anymore. The first few years I tried but it's just too much so I don't do it anymore. I do offer for her to go with me when I go to a store but even that can be cumbersome because nothing is even a slightly quick trip and takes double as long than if I do it myself. She also pretty much refuses to cook dinner although she does do the dishes. I agree that maybe he should spend more quality time with her alone.

My in laws are about to move in permanently so anything less than that sounds great to me

So sorry to hear that!

Ahh, I have been here. In-laws live on the other side of the country. I understand that it is a long and expensive trip. I enjoy them days 1 through 5. They start to get on my nerves days 6 through 10. Days 11 through 14 I start counting down the days. "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I can make it." And repeat. Really, I'm ready to see them go when they go.

It is sad because they really don't anything in particular that is annoying. It is just having people in your house all that time. You can't relax. And there is always someone around. Ugh! They would be highly offended at the idea of staying in a hotel. But, it's only a couple of times a year. So, I grin and bear it.

This is how I feel. Although sometimes she does do things that are annoying but I am sure I do some as well. She loves to rearrange things and when I come home everything she doesn't like is pushed into corners so it can't easily be seen, for example and she comments on the cleanliness of our kitchen hand towel. I did do the countdown thing on her last visit.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

2 weeks if they can manage their own food, transportation, entertainment.

2 days if they cannot.

 

[LSmith]

2 weeks if they can manage their own food, transportation, entertainment.

2 days if they cannot.

That sounds about right and I don't care if they are my blood relatives or my inlaws, although I will provide food for the entire stay.

 

[Gigi22]

My father had a saying that I've tried to bear in mind whenever I'm visiting someone else: House guests are like fish, they both stink after 3 days.

My MIL? 4 hrs max.

My father always said that was the reason not to have a spare bedroom. As sure as you had one, you would have house guests! We never had either. In my own house, DH made our spare room uninhabitable, which also works.

 

[SamRoc]

My father had a saying that I've tried to bear in mind whenever I'm visiting someone else: House guests are like fish, they both stink after 3 days.

My MIL? 4 hrs max.

4 hours max might be a little too long for my MIL

 

[Katy Belle]

My in laws have been here for 30 hours, I'm sick of waiting on them and I'm ready for them to go! They will be here another 20 hours. I wouldnt survive 12 weeks a year!

 

[dfchelbay]

I don't want to post about the specifics as to not bias the poll.

Imagine your mother in law visits twice a year. Those two times a year are the only times you see her because she lives far away. How long should a normal visit last? (Each visit, not the two visits total.)

She does not do anything on her own since she cannot drive and is unwilling to walk anywhere from the home so she is dependent on us for all entertainment/shopping.

Edited to add: She does have a guest bedroom/bathroom.

I said a week mostly because if you get two weeks vacation a year, I'd want to save half of that time off for a trip for my own family. I wouldn't want all my vacation days used up to just stay home with relatives.

 

[hereyago]

OP, I would be less then happy if my dh used guilt,i.e. manipulation with the comment of you are denying mil a decent visit.



And moving stuff in my home, boundaries are a wonderful thing to establish.


He wants her to come again? I suggest you go to a spa vacation and let HIM be her host,lol.

 

[disykat]

Wow - 12 weeks is almost 3 months of the year! There really is no way not to consider that "living with you part time" rather than visiting. Apparently, that's what your DH wants?

My vote was going to be two weeks at a time if they had their own space to stay, the ability to entertain themselves and blend into the household schedule, and a REASON they couldn't come for shorter visits - like distance, expense, etc.

In my close family, we all try to limit it to about 5 days at a time. That said, when my brother lived in Hawaii, my parents usually visited them for about two weeks or so. They tried to time it so that they could have a brief visit of several days, dog/house sit while brother and family went on vacation, and then have another brief visit. It was a win/win.

When we visited DH's sister on the East Coast, we visited for a few days, left to do more tourist stuff while they got on with their normal lives, and then visited another day or so before leaving. It's all about being aware of their needs as well.

 

[cluvsdisney]

Oh no, no way would that fly here. It wouldn't be as bad if she did things on her own but to have someone sitting in the house for weeks at a time is not happening. How far away does she live? What does she do all day while you're both at work? Why does your husband want her there for so long & so often? It's his mother so I'm sure you want to be respectful but you're his wife and you should come first.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

[MrsDuck]

Normally I'd say a week but considering MIL is around only 2x a year, I COULD be willing to bump up to a week and a half or maybe even 2 weeks. MAYBE. And that depends on lots of factors.

 

[etoiles]

OP, I would be less then happy if my dh used guilt,i.e. manipulation with the comment of you are denying mil a decent visit.



And moving stuff in my home, boundaries are a wonderful thing to establish.


He wants her to come again? I suggest you go to a spa vacation and let HIM be her host,lol.

I agree, I was definitely not happy when DH said that and so I did want to show him that other people would definitely not agree with such a long visit so I did the poll on here.

I have mentioned to her multiple times to not move things but it really doesn't help. I can be not bothered about it for a week or two but she stays so long those things really get on my nerves. I have been more vocal about it the last couple visits.

Wow - 12 weeks is almost 3 months of the year! There really is no way not to consider that "living with you part time" rather than visiting. Apparently, that's what your DH wants?

My vote was going to be two weeks at a time if they had their own space to stay, the ability to entertain themselves and blend into the household schedule, and a REASON they couldn't come for shorter visits - like distance, expense, etc.
.

He is very close to her so of course he enjoys seeing her a lot. However, he is at work M-F and doesn't come home until late so I end up seeing her a lot more than he does. Also her rude comments are more often towards me although lately she has also been grumpy towards him!

Oh no, no way would that fly here. It wouldn't be as bad if she did things on her own but to have someone sitting in the house for weeks at a time is not happening. How far away does she live? What does she do all day while you're both at work? Why does your husband want her there for so long & so often? It's his mother so I'm sure you want to be respectful but you're his wife and you should come first.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Thanks! When we are at work she just sits around the house. She is willing to help with house work so that is good. I think though it is very boring (although we encourage her to go out and have a senior bus practically next door that takes seniors to shopping). She is bored so when we get home it is 'go time' for her and she is wanting to talk and talk and go places, etc... and we are tired and are not always in a great mood to have a deep discussion as soon as we get home or go to a store.

As she gets older she has gotten more rude - DH even agrees with this. She used to just eat whatever we made. Last time she made rude comments about dinners we made "what, we're having salad for dinner! I'm not a rabbit!" "Rice is disgusting" even though she doesn't want to be in charge of making dinner for herself. She also complained that we didn't go to enough stores or let her shop for long enough. She even made comments about my driving twice which she doesn't even drive herself and hasn't in 40 years!

I tell DH that I really wanted DS's first Christmas morning just to be the three of us. I said that MIL could come in January and we could leave our Christmas stuff up so we could still celebrate Christmas with her later but then he had the idea that she could come earlier instead then so in November.

I know he is excited to have DS and see him do all his 'firsts' and he wants to share that also with his mom but it is just going to be too much. My mom definitely visits much less and doesn't see all of DS's first either.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I totally agree that the amounts your mother in law is visiting is far from the norm in the American culture as a whole (perhaps not in her culture though?). Does you husband have enough vacation time that he could take some days off to spend with just her? Maybe her visit could be shorter overall, but if she had her son's undivided time for a few of the days that would make it better (and she' have as much time with him as in a longer visit in which he works the whole time).

For myself, my mom never stays moper than a week, and usually limits herself to 3-4 days, which is probably best. I love her so much and we have fun together, but after about 4 days or so we start to get on each other's nerves. I'd rather a too short visit end with nothing but happy memories, than a too long one end on a bad note, KWIM

My mother in law--when she travels without my father in law, never gets on my nerves. We have spent as much as 5 weeks together and I never get annoyed with her.

So, a lot depends on personalities.

 

[moon]

Depends...for some a month isn't enough, for others, a couple of days is too much.

I have relatives who live abroad. They would call days ahead to tell us they were coming "for two weeks, otherwise it isn't cost effective". Then expected all transportation and entertainment to be provided by us.

We put up with this for years...but they would leave, never call or make other type of contact until they needed free lodging again, so, no more. With that attitude, if they want a vacation, they better pay for ALL of it!

 

[quandrea]

One week but staying in a nearby hotel. I don't do houseguests

 

[bluesaturn]

Thanks for everyone for the comments and voting! I didn't want to give too many details so I could show this unbiased poll to DH so he can see that his mother actually comes a LOT longer than most people would visitors for.

Sorry, but I don't think this is the right way to go about having a discussion with your husband at all. I think your question is highly cultural. The question about where people can stay and for how long during visits vary so much based on culture. You are sampling a pretty biased group on here, for the most party probably middle-class to upper middle-class White European Americans. There's certainly nothing wrong with their answers, but they are norms within a specific culture.
You don't have to bend to the whims of your husband, but I do think you need to consider his own personal cultural norms. I don't think showing him the responses of random people on the internet will get your point across.
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with an in-law staying 6 weeks. But I also come from a culture where parents frequently live with their adult children.

 

[etoiles]

Sorry, but I don't think this is the right way to go about having a discussion with your husband at all. I think your question is highly cultural. The question about where people can stay and for how long during visits vary so much based on culture. You are sampling a pretty biased group on here, for the most party probably middle-class to upper middle-class White European Americans. There's certainly nothing wrong with their answers, but they are norms within a specific culture.
You don't have to bend to the whims of your husband, but I do think you need to consider his own personal cultural norms. I don't think showing him the responses of random people on the internet will get your point across.
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with an in-law staying 6 weeks. But I also come from a culture where parents frequently live with their adult children.

Well I have not said the country where he is from so how can you judge whether this poll is accurate or not? Regardless of his culture (in which I know not ONE of his relatives that lives with their parents btw, not even a 99 year old aunt does not live with her son) I still feel that I get a say in what happens in my own home and I think that seeing how other Americans (Since I am American) feel about it is pretty accurate as to how I feel. Seeing this poll that most people would not want to have others staying in their home that long has actually helped him see that my requests for shorter visits are what most people would want.