How involved are your child's grandparents?

[cassiez76]

my mom watches my son while we work. thomas loves her so much he cries when she leaves and screams that he doesn't want her to go. i find it amusing, hubby likes to act shocked. my dad would have also been watching him, he'd have been the best with him. i know he's watching down on him though.

my son's other grandparents (all live 18 hours by car) - FIL and his wife are the awesome ones (they took us to disney last month). they'll send him cards for holidays, got him a ton of toys last year for his b-day and christmas, have gotten him things at other times. i'd have no problems with them watching thomas.

my mil and her husband they are driving me up the wall (hubby too). they've said some horrible things about their grandchild (the only one) and how horrible hubby and i are. they aren't welcomed here as far as i'm concerned and i'd never let them watch him if we're such horrible parents. she's asked hubby what she can get DS for the holiday/b-day. hubby didn't like my answer but i don't mince words.

DS also has a set of great grandparents, but they never call and when hubby does call them, they could care less.

sad that my son doesn't have the totally awesome grandparents that i have, except for my mom!

 

[Agri]

Well, my story isn't so simple. My paternal grandparents had a very dysfunctional relationship - one argument led to the father raising the two oldest and the mother raised the two youngest. I never knew my paternal grandfather, and since my father was not raised by my paternal grandmother, we were the least favorite family even though we were the only one that lived in the same state - not even an hour away!

My maternal grandparents were the ones that were involved in my life. As a child, I just took it for what it was. I did not find out about the weird way my father was raised until I was in my teens and asking questions. Plus, I hated going over to her house and dealing with my father's relatives. I was just as thrilled at going over there as I'm sure the OP's children are at visiting their grandparents.

Today, my maternal grandparents are dead and my paternal grandmother is in FL. She sends me a birthday card telling me that she hopes my father and I will reconcile or she will write about how the "whole family" was at an event I wasn't invited to. I get a subscription to Guideposts for Christmas. It is what it is.

I am so glad that once I got to be old enough, I got to choose whether to visit her or not. No one should have to be where they are not wanted and that applies to kids and relatives as much as an obnoxious friend.

OP, if your parents don't want to be bothered, don't bother them. You aren't doing yourself any favors by being this stressed out over it.

 

[clh2]

My DD only has 1 set of grandparents. (DH's parents both passed before she was born.)

My DD has totally been screwed over in the grandparent department. And now my parents wonder why she will barely give them the time of day. I'm not going to go into details...because I won't feel better if I vent, nor will it change anything.

Let's just say, when we get together at Thanksgiving...DH keeps my wine glass full... I would much rather just have Thanksgiving Day at home, with a fire in the fireplace, and just the 3 of us.

 

[lecach]

My Mom is super involved. Helps us out whenever we need it, takes DS to the beach in the summer, goes to as many of his events as she can.

My Dad is a bit of a hermit. He loves DS and will come to stuff if invited. But doesnt really ask for any time with him.

My IL's are sort of mixed. They love DS and like to spend time with him and come to his activities. But on the other hand when he is staying with them they dont do anything fun. They go about their regular life and do stuff like going to Dr. visits, taking the car to the shop, etc.

 

[emma'smom]

My parents moved to be near us (same town) when they retired and see my kids about 3-4 times a week during the winter. They have a summer place and they do travel some during the cold months, but when they are home...they are very involved. They come to occasionally soccer games, always go to dance recitals, school events, etc. They are also usually willing to babysit if they are available and willing to pinch-hit on snow days, pick-ups for extra-curricular activities, etc. when I am juggling too much at once.

My children count them as part of our "immediate family" when you ask them "How many people are in our family?" That being said, they don't live with us and also have their own lives--- so they aren't overwhelming in their involvement. We sometimes all vacation together and our dd's go to their summer house for several weeks each summer.


Now DH's family is much less involved. When DFIL was alive, we rarely heard from them (holiday phone calls, etc) and they visited only twice (for dd's baptism and one other time). They live about 8 hours away. However, the relationship was pleasant...just distant. They did send $$ for holidays and it was as much pushing my DH to call them as other way around. They just had nothing in common with us and, quite frankly, I think it was a lot of "out of sight, out of mind". Now that DFIL has passed on, we hear from DMIL a little more often. Also, I think DH tries to make more of an effort.

 

[LuLuO]

My mom and MIL/FIL are very involved. My dad and his wife live about 40 minutes away and we rarely see them. Dad is retired now and they are welcome in our house any time but he just can't be bothered. But my dad has always been like that. When I was growing up he worked five minutes from my house and I was lucky if I saw him once a year. My dad just isn't the type to be involved. When we do get together we have a good time. I think the effort to actually get together is just not something he is willing to put forth.

A long time ago I had to decide whether to accept a relationship with him on his terms, or no relationship at all because he was not ever going to change. I chose to the former. A lot of people would have chosen to cut ties and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I am so sorry OP. My ex mil disappeared just like her DS did. She did turn up like a bad penney when my DS's became of legal age though. When my mom was alive she was very active and present for my kids, she helped me raise my older boys.

My current in-laws have always lived a few miles away and are very active in my kids lives, (my first 2 (steps technically but never treated as such) and the last 2). They take them on vacations, have been their only babysitters, sleep overs..etc. Sometimes there are boundary issues, but they adore the kids and are very close to them.

 

[*sarah*]

My mom and dad live about 30 minutes away and from the day DS4 was born they have been very involved. Watched him while I worked and he spends the night at thier house quite often. Has his own Cars bed and everything there. But then with my sisters daughter who is 2, they are not involved much at all, cause even though they live the same distance away my sister is not close with them, so they don't see her daughter much. Then my inlaws live next door to us, well there's a pasture in between so its about the distance of a football field. But they will go weeks without calling to see how DS is doing. They are just like that. And he is thier only grandchild. They didn't seem to care much about the pregnancy or even when he was born. But we're okay with it. They are the ones missing out.

 

[christineann]

My parents live in the same city and have always been involved with their grandchildren. They are also involved with two other sets of grandchildren who live out of town.

On the other hand, my in-laws made it pretty clear from the beginning that they didn't really care for small children. They lived two states away, and we saw them maybe once a year when we went to visit. We invited them to visit countless times, but they rarely visited. They did, however, spend a lot of time with their other son and his children, who eventually moved to town near them.

Fast forward to my divorce......my ex said his mother told him she didn't blame me for leaving. I continued to send birthday cards and Christmas cards to her (my FIL had passed away), but the kids and I never had a reply, not a birthday card, nothing. I stopped after a couple years. The kids successfully ended all visitation with her son, their father, due to abuse and neglect issues, and I guess she just wrote my kids off though I would have facilitated visits with her myself if she wished. She died a few years ago, and sadly, it just didn't make any difference to us.

 

[Mandychelle79]

My parents live 3 miles away. They see the kids weekly or more. Kids spend the night a few times a month. Can usually just call them up and they will keep them, unless other plans are made and then we get a date for the next time they can keep.' Mom attends every dance recital and tries to make one or two of the sporting events they do.

My inlaws on the other hand, live 15-20 mins away, but only a few mins from the church we attend. During the from late spring to early fall they basically live at camp, and while my niece and nephew can spend the night, my children cannot. Yes there is an age gap, but at 7 my niece was able to stay at camp, but my dd cannot. They wont even watch the kids unless my niece and nephew are there as back ups. I once asked them to watch them for 2 hours so dh and I could see a movie, No. Or when I asked if they could keep them at camp for a few hours so I could attend my aunts birthday party ( it was in a casino so no kids could go). Camp was on the way, they may have had the kids for a total of 3 or 4 hours, No. They will attend dance recitals, but typically leave before it is over. But oh well it is their loss. Im just glad my dh is starting to see it too, because I was feeling like a wicked witch. He said this year, at the holidays, he is ignoring calls and we will get there when we get there. My fil is a very impatient man.

 

[prncess674]

They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas.

This alone wouldn't bother me. My Grandma was never big on shopping. My Grandma would send my Mom (her daugher in law) a check to buy me and my sis a birthday present. Sure Mom could have been resentful. Instead she was the bigger person. She bought and gift wrapped it as a sign of selfless love. I know for a fact (years later) that she bought a present that I REALLY wanted and didn't think I needed and said it was from Grandma.

Over the years my Grandma finally realized how broken our family relationship was and it wasn't till I was in college that she realized it. I am thankful that my mother fostered that relationship knowing that the ties of family ARE in important. If it had been up to my Dad and grandmother the ties would have been gone never to be resolved. Instead my Mom was the bigger person and kept the seeds of love alive.

Grandparent duties are never fair, so please dont compare them. Cherish them for who they are.

Involved as in doing stuff with them or going to stuff? Very minor.

My mom is really the "hands on" person in the grandparent department, so my kids did have 1 grandparent that they got close to.

My dad's response to me getting pregnant was...."don't expect me to babysit". He has always been a selfish person.

My parents were never "involved" and DH's parents are not existent in that department. His dad is long gone, moved away and his mom is schizophrenic, so she is limited with her condition.

Not everyone wants to be left alone with small kids alone. I absolutely adore my nephew, but let's be frank, I don't do diaper changes or all the really difficult kid stuff. I will hold the baby and play with him while he is sweet and cute. When my sis first had him I went and stayed with them for a long weekend a few weeks after he was born. It was about 7am and I was still in bed and she brought me a crying baby and bottle and said "I am SOOO tired, please help me out." So I fed the baby and we hung out sleeping on the couch. I certainly didn't change any diapers or anything else super motherly. I certainly wouldn't have been comfortable keeping him alone. Not everyone is comfortable keeping kids, but it doesn't mean they don't love them.

Grandparetns are not indentured slaves. If you want free labor then go back to pre-civil war time.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

This is a very sore subject for me. My children have 1 set of grandparents who are still living and live 10 minutes away. My kids see these granparents 5times a year- tops- on holidays for the most part. My oldest is graduating from high school this year. He is a very talented trombone player both at his high school and in a youth orchestra. My parents have not seen him play his trombone even once in the 7 plus years he has been playing. They have never gone to a single sporting event for their 6 grandchildren or a school play or concert. Grandma does go to the annual grandparent's day at the elementary school but mainly because her friend goes too. Grandma always cuts out early and acts like she has done her grandmotherly duty for the year. They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas. Their home is very uninviting to children who might visit. They got rid of every toy and game and the kids aren't allowed to touch the tv or computer. They are expected to sit quietly and speak when spoken to. Truthfully, I wish my parents wouldn't even bother coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't like the food, don't like the noise the kids make, don't like the in-laws, don't like the clutter they feel I have...

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

Oh my gosh, yes. I do! I started to write a thread about my paternal gradmother. You did it for me. This is exactly the "relationship" we had while my brothers and I were growing up. Down to the "no games in the house but don't make too much noise while visiting grandma". What on earth is a child supposed to DO??? Oh, I was in the drumline in high school instead of the brass section. There are no "baking cookies with grandma" or "gardening with grandpa" memories of them for me.

She and my grandfather were obligations (have to call grandma, have to visit grandma, have to go to grandma's on the holidays, etc), nothing more. When my dad died, she tried to sue his estate for $10,000. That was the final straw. I haven't really talked to her since 2004.

She's dying now. Pneumonia. Doctors give her 2-3 weeks to live. I'm trying to convince myself to care but I. just. don't. I try to convince myself I should visit her one last time but..... nothing. There's nothing. I felt more when the friendly co-worker who bravely fought pancreatic cancer for years lost his battle last year.

Don't feel guilty, OP. Don't try to force that square peg into the round hole. Either your parents will wake up or they won't. It's their loss.

 

[NewDCLGuy]

I figure parents are responsible for raising their kids, not anyone else's.

Not all people love being around children... even if it's their own relatives. No need to force something that isn't there.

 

[beachlover9395]

Sadly, my dad died before any of the grandkids were born. I think he would have been a pretty decent grandpa. My mom died several years ago and lived about an hour from us. She was there for all the grandkids and all of them loved her a lot. She tried to go to all games, dance and band recitals, grandparents day at school, church events, etc. Mom was a little closer to my kids because my sibling and her had a "less close" relationship that we did - there was always a little bit of friction and my sibling involved her a little less with the kids. But my mom treated all of her grandkids the same and I can honestly say she was just as good a mom to me as she was grandmother to my kids. I miss her every minute of every day, and my kids should have had her much much longer than they did.

Not even going to discuss the in-laws. It won't change a thing and I won't feel any better. It will only raise my blood pressure. :

 

[chellewashere]

My DD got the short end of the stick when it comes to grandparents.
I had a great relationship with my grandmom but she died very young when I was 9 and I still miss her. This is the relationship I wanted my DD to have with her grandparents.
My mom and I havent spoken since I was 10 so she gets no love there. My father is a bit odd. He considers spending money on my daughter as quality time. When we go to pick him up to go to breakfast or whatever he just ignores her, doesnt engage her in conversation and asks me questions about her and when I say...UHMM shes 5 ask her yourself he just ignores it.
My inlaws. Horrible horrible horrible people. Them treating me like trash I can get over Im a big girl and I know how to pull up my big girl panties but they way the act with my daughter is uncalled for. When I got pregnant they said she isnt really a grandchild because we didnt have her the "old fashion way" since we had to do IVF. Since then she is just bottom of the barrel to them. They have 6 grandchildren total but only act like hubbys sisters kids are grandkids. I have tried the olive branch for so long and so many times that it actually tires me out. They never call her, never send her a card heck never even email her but will brag about she does this and that or how cute she looks on their FB account..whatever.
Just recently they have done some stuff that made my DH finally wake up and smell the coffee and cut them off. So now we dont call and when my DD had her birthday party they were told they are not permitted to show up at my house. AMAZINGLY this is the first year my daughter got a birthday card from them that said Granddaughter on it.
I have given up trying and figure it is their loss they will never get to know this fantastic child they are missing out on. In turn its sad cause my child really has no family other than my husband and myself. She is missing out on so much growing up.
And as far as babysitting. I have never EVER asked them to watch my child. She is 5 now and we have been out a total of 4 hours since she was born and I had a friend watch her.

 

[Dan Murphy]

We are grandparents, and like to be very involved.

 

[ohiomom28]

My parents are very involved. My ex's mother passed away when my son was 2, his grandpa sees him once maybe twice a year. Then again, thats more than what his own father sees him.

 

[linnylu]

I figure parents are responsible for raising their kids, not anyone else's.

Not all people love being around children... even if it's their own relatives. No need to force something that isn't there.

The thing is I never asked them to RAISE my kids. I didn't even ask them to babysit. DH and I either hired a sitter or stayed home. This isn't about me wanting free babysitting or even a chauffer. I had a great relationship with my grandparents and remember them fondly. I just wanted that for my own kids. I do realize that I can't change my parents. They want a relationship with just my sister and me- not our spouses and not our children. The thing is, we are a package deal. On Christmas, my mother would love it if the kids went in another room and we just gave her the gifts for my Dad and her. The funny thing is that their next door neighbor has 3 young kids and they are all my mom talks about when I do call her.

I know I need to let it go, but I also don't really want to spend time with people who don't like my children. Christmas for me is about kids. I wish my parents wouldn't buy me a single thing. One of my children recently made their First Communion. The grandparents didn't go to the church and came very later to the celebration after because they had to eat breakfast first. The party started at noon. But then Grandma makes a big deal out of how much trouble she had to go through to buy my son a cross necklace.

 

[Simba's Mom]

We are grandparents, and like to be very involved.

Dan, I have a feeling that "very involved" might be an understatement. I know it is for us. The irony is that in DDIL's culture/family (she's Mexican and DS said it's cultural) the wife's family helps out a lot, but very little involvement on the male's side. So although DH and I would love to do more, we don't get to so much. But to her credit, DDIL is very willing to let us spend time with our granddaughter. Yet, we'd love to help out and babysit. On the other hand, the one time my mother babysat for her grandchildren for a few hours, my dad called me and reminded me to pay her-"After all, we're grandparents, NOT babysitters." To us it would be a privelege.

 

[Colleen27]

We're fortunate - both my mom and my inlaws are very involved with the kids, and that's really what keeps us here riding out Michigan's terrible economy and worse weather. My mom is still working and lives 45 min away, but she comes out for some of the kids baseball & football games, all of the band concerts/recitals, and sometimes just because. She also joins us on a lot of our Disney trips. My inlaws live closer and are our go-to sitters when we need a little couple time. MIL is retired and FIL is self employed working summers only, so they have a lot of time and like to spend it with the grandkids. FIL is teaching my 9yo to cook this winter, which is fabulous because he makes the best Polish food I've had since my maternal grandmother got too sick/old to cook.

My paternal grandparents were very much like you describe, however. They lived at the end of our street when I was a kid and I still only saw them on holidays and if my cousins from out of town came to stay with them. My relationship with them got somewhat better as I got older, but my brother's not so much (he holds onto a lot of old resentment towards our father and that whole side of the family). And I eventually came to realize that they just weren't cut from that baking-cookies, going-fishing grandparents cloth; my grandmother's favorite thing to make for dinner was reservations, and they both held to more of a 'children are seen not heard' way of thinking. Somewhere between grandkids and great grandkids that started to change, though, because they did a lot more typical grandparents stuff and were a lot more tolerant of noise and mess with my kids and my cousin's son than they ever were with us at those ages!