How involved are your child's grandparents?

[Squirrel!!!]

My parents live 3000 miles away and love my DD so much that it kills my mom that she only sees her 2 to 3 times a year. Adores her, my mom and dad who are older (75 and 80) lavish her with love and affection and quality time whenever they spend time with her. Try to schedule visits to see her plays, etc.

My MIL is 91. She lives 90 minutes away. My DD is too much for her now. But, we see her about 10 times a year. She has NEVER seen anything my daughter has been in, and wouldn't be interested. Cold woman, the opposite of my mom.

 

[Tink888]

This is a very sore subject for me. My children have 1 set of grandparents who are still living and live 10 minutes away. My kids see these granparents 5times a year- tops- on holidays for the most part. My oldest is graduating from high school this year. He is a very talented trombone player both at his high school and in a youth orchestra. My parents have not seen him play his trombone even once in the 7 plus years he has been playing. They have never gone to a single sporting event for their 6 grandchildren or a school play or concert. Grandma does go to the annual grandparent's day at the elementary school but mainly because her friend goes too. Grandma always cuts out early and acts like she has done her grandmotherly duty for the year. They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas. Their home is very uninviting to children who might visit. They got rid of every toy and game and the kids aren't allowed to touch the tv or computer. They are expected to sit quietly and speak when spoken to. Truthfully, I wish my parents wouldn't even bother coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't like the food, don't like the noise the kids make, don't like the in-laws, don't like the clutter they feel I have...

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

I have a similar situation. One set of grandparents, live less than five minutes from us. Rarely see my kids. Rarely come to games, performances, etc.

Now I will say that when I needed babysitting or something like that, both of my parents have always stepped up and been there. EVERY TIME. Both are great with gifts.

I have never let it bother me. My feeling is this......their obligation was to raise my siblings and I. And they did. They are who they are and they're entitled to be that way and spend their time, their money, etc the way they choose. There has NEVER been any doubt in my mind (or that of my kids minds) that they don't love or are proud of my kids. Ever. My kids love and respect their grandparents. While they're not exceptionally close to them, they do have an affection for them and enjoy the time they do spend together.

I guess my point is this.....I had a pretty good idea when my kids were born of what kind of grandparents my parents would be. I made a decision then and there that I would never let it bother me and I would never project any negative feelings onto my kids. I would, instead, be grateful what whatever time my kids were given. By doing that, I've been happier and my kids are happy and have positive feelings about their grandparents. It's one of the best gifts I've given myself, my kids and my parents.

 

[Pigeon]

My parents are totally uninvolved in my kids' lives. My mom died before I had kids and my dad remarried a woman who had a bunch of grown kids and grandkids of her own.

They are very involved in her side of the family. My side, not so much. They live about ten minutes away, and we maybe see them once or twice a year, and when we do, all they talk about are the grandchildren on her side.

She's a nice enough woman. If my dad made a point of wanting to spend time with his family, I'm sure she'd do it. But he doesn't.

It used to hurt me a lot, not so much for me as for my kids. But I finally decided to just let it go. I can't change him, and it was only hurting me.

Now we have a casual, distant relationship. It's much better.

 

[bookgirl]

My nephews are the only two on our side and on thier mom's side, the youngest by 8 years (three other boys, thier half brother is in college and their two cousins are both in thier 20's)

They have a lot of family involvement, from both sides. Mom's side is a bit ebb and flow (long story but more than average most of the time depending on whether or not any of the other boys want something they are the priority), but since they are the only two on this side they get all the attention. Mom and step dad at every event, I'm at about 60%, my dad and stepmom get to some occasionally as they are out of town.

And yes we spoil them rotten, but they know that we love them and they know that at events there is always some of us there and they question those who do not show, as they love that they have a cheering section all thier own. Sometimes they have only 2 or 3 but usually it's 6-12.

I truley do not get not being involved with grandkids, just blows my mind.

 

[Becky2005]

Just skimming on some of this & I guess my parents are "somewhere in the middle"... but it works for us.

My parents don't really go out of their way to see the kids per se but usually if it's not a blizzard or really dark they don't mind coming to events UNLESS it is outside at a football game or something. They never came to any basketball or football game that my daughter cheered at (then again, if I could have figured out a way to weasal out of watching the football game, I would have too!!!). However, my mom HAS seen my daugther at a gymnastics meet before and has seen a couple of her plays. Both my parents have made the choir concerts. I guess they aren't that much into sports but then again, they never came to any of my games either when I was in sports -- so I do find it odd if they show up for a grandkids sporting event.

My mom is teaching my DD to drive though mostly because she's short & likes their car better. However, I know once the snow starts falling that is over & done with.

My kids don't really have grandparents on the other side, my MIL is deceased and my FIL is complicated issues so they don't know them at all. My MIL was not alive when my younger 2 were born and my older 2 were little.

My DH will definitely be the hands off Grandpa -- he's pretty much the hands off dad so I can't imagine that is going to all of a sudden change as a grandparent. It would be weird if it did -- until they are a bit older anyway -- he doesn't do infants (he was practically scared to death to hold our own kids afraid they would break or something, I can't imagine him even wanting to hold grandchildren).

 

[Frye7127]

[
My DH will definitely be the hands off Grandpa -- he's pretty much the hands off dad so I can't imagine that is going to all of a sudden change as a grandparent. It would be weird if it did -- until they are a bit older anyway -- he doesn't do infants (he was practically scared to death to hold our own kids afraid they would break or something, I can't imagine him even wanting to hold grandchildren).[/QUOTE]

Don't bet on it...my dad was pretty much hands off until my niece was born...He would carry her around his backpocket if he could figure a way...

 

[Becky2005]

Don't bet on it...my dad was pretty much hands off until my niece was born...He would carry her around his backpocket if he could figure a way...

He has been known to surprise me but usually there is something in it for him. Don't get me wrong, he is not a horrible dad & frankly my DD & him are like peas in a pod (it's a very scary sight when they both started doing the time warp dance together!! I think *I* was the one having nightmares after that!) and he's always doing little things for the kids (he has a stash of cookies that somehow the boys always seem to get a cookie from daddy every single day!) BUT the time we went to Disney last and he always insisted on pushing the stroller was so out of character for him & I couldn't fathom why he was being so insistant, it wasn't as if pushing the stroller was something I wasn't used to do a million times -- finally found out he liked the stroller because he gave him something to lean on for walking all the time.

He doesn't go see the kids performances or events unless he absolutely is being dragged there & has no choice but to attend. I can't imagine THAT changing once the grandkids arrive.

 

[tufenuff]

I am a Grandma of 3 boys and can't imagine not being there for them. One of my DGS lives with me and the other 2 live about a mile down the road. I see them every day. My dh and I go to all the games and school things and wouldn't have it any other way.We are blessed to be able to be a part of there lives.

 

[PatsGirl]

My kids are very lucky to have had loving grandparents on both sides. DD's paternal grandparents are now both deceased and were much older so, while they enjoyed having her visit them, they didn't attend school things or take her out for dinner or shopping, that sort of thing. DS's paternal grandfather was deceased before he was born but he was/is very close to his paternal g/mother as that is where he spent every Saturday night and Sunday morning from the age of about 6 months. She played with him, taught him how to cook, took him to Sunday School and for that I am very grateful. Personally, I don't like the woman but she always did right by DS

My Mom and Dad dote on all their grandchildren, attend as many school functions as they get invited to (well, Dad not so much anymore as he ages), call on a regular basis or stop by and take them out for a bit. I am very blessed that my parents enjoy their grandchildren. As a single mom for both kids, it was always good to know that I could count on them, although I was always very careful not to take advantage. BTW, Dad changed his VERY FIRST DIAPER with DD, although she was his 6th grandchild and he had four kids of his own. My mother says I was the only one who ever trusted him with an infant. He was retired, I needed a sitter and everyone else was working. So what if the diaper was on backwards although Mom had a fit when she got there before I did and found out I left DD there with him.

But...that being said, is it a bad thing for a grandparent to move away because I have every intention of moving as far south as possible once DD heads off to college and I assume I'll only see my grandchildren 3-4 times a year.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Not much contact. We moved 1/2 the country away from all of our families and I like it that way mostly.

It would be nice if my kids had a bit more contact with their Aunts but we are fine with not much contact with the grandparents.

 

[tink20]

My parents are involved, they were more involved when they were younger. The grandkids range in age 22yrs old - 5 yrs old. (8 grandkids) They come to all Bday parties, holidays, and are there to babysit, if needed. My mom watched my DD the first 8 yrs (when I was working,now I am a SAHM) My DD loves my parents so much because she spent so much time with them growing up, my children are blessed. I never had any grandparents, they were all deceased before I was born.

DD's other grandmother is not involved much now. She was more involved when DD was younger. Her GD is deceased. She doesn't see GM, because her and her father (my ex) had a falling out and they barely see each other. GM has been rude at times, and DD is tired of all the drama with GM and her father.

DS's other GM is involved. She only has 3 GKs. Gd (25), Gs (22) and my DS (8). So she loves and spoils him. He also has a single aunt with no children who dearly loves him, so he is blessed. GD is deceased.

When I finally have grandchildren (many, many years from now LOL) I want to be very involved. I already told DD, what I want to be called.

 

[luvsJack]

My dad was very involved and my mom still its. Dad coached my sons in football and baseball and helped me get them to practices and games. Mom never missed a game and spent many hours with me running from one field to another.

She is still involved with dd and goes to everything she can. She keeps my dgd every day while ds and dil work.

My sons' other grandparents, my ex inlaws, only saw one baseball game and one soccer game in all the years they played (of course their dad didn't do much better). They have always been of the mind that the kids should come to them, they shouldn't have to make any effort to have a relationship. So, now there is no relationship.

Current inlaws come to some of dd's activities but not all. They are more involved with the kids that live close to them. But they let her know in many ways that they love her and she enjoys going there and spending time with them.

 

[tvguy]

3 of my Grandparents were deceased before I was born, the 4th passed away a month before I was going to meet him for the first time.
Which is why my kids knowing their Grandparents was very important to me.
My dad was deceased before my kids were born, but my kids were/are close to the 3 biological grandparents alive when they were born, as well as 2 step-grandparents, and on my wife's side, 3 of their 4 biological Great-Grandparents, and 2 step Great-Grand parents.

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

My in-laws are 15 minutes away and spend very little time with their grandchildren. To be fair, they are both physically infirm to some extent and FIL also suffers from mental problems. Also, our kids can't visit them often due to my daughter's severe asthmatic reaction to her grandfather's cigars, and the general unhealthy atmosphere of their apartment. They love their grandkids, but can't often attend their concerts and so forth due to their inability to drive after dark (and our lack of transportation to accomodate them and the kids). So the kids only end up seeing them on holidays, where DH can drive over to pick them up. They also have difficulty shopping, so gifts (which we keep discouraging, to no avail) are often cash.

The other set of grandparents live 5 hours away. They take the kids for two weeks every summer. They visit multiple times a year. They text, call, and facebook friend their grandkids. They take them on trips, teach them to fish and quilt, support them constantly, and make 5 hour trips to watch their games and shows several times a year. But, they are both physically and mentally active, and enjoy keeping up with the latest technology.

When I was my daughter's age, I had no grandparents left. So to some extent, all of this is really just the luck of the draw.

 

[Simba's Mom]

This is a very sore subject for me. My children have 1 set of grandparents who are still living and live 10 minutes away. My kids see these granparents 5times a year- tops- on holidays for the most part. My oldest is graduating from high school this year. He is a very talented trombone player both at his high school and in a youth orchestra. My parents have not seen him play his trombone even once in the 7 plus years he has been playing. They have never gone to a single sporting event for their 6 grandchildren or a school play or concert. Grandma does go to the annual grandparent's day at the elementary school but mainly because her friend goes too. Grandma always cuts out early and acts like she has done her grandmotherly duty for the year. They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas. Their home is very uninviting to children who might visit. They got rid of every toy and game and the kids aren't allowed to touch the tv or computer. They are expected to sit quietly and speak when spoken to. Truthfully, I wish my parents wouldn't even bother coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't like the food, don't like the noise the kids make, don't like the in-laws, don't like the clutter they feel I have...

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

My parents were like that when our kids were little. And they always made fun of people who had "nothing better to do than be grandmommies". Last month we became grandparents for the first time-we're everything my parents made fun of, and we're loving it! They're the losers.

 

[wdwiala]

My parents live a thousand miles away. They would have been very hands on. I wish they were closer.

My in-laws live 5 miles down the road. We have a rotation of the 4 grandkids to spend the night. That adds up to twice a year...maybe. Other than that, they show little interest in seeing the kids regularly unless we invite them to do something with us. I will say this, the time that they do spend with them, the kids love it. That just makes the situation all the more bizarre.Just like a previous poster, my MIL bragged to one of her friends about not spending lots of time with her grandkids (who brags about that?!). Maybe she doesn't want to be one of those grandparents who watches/babysits kids all day?

Anyway...and this is what I really want to tell the OP....I have let the anger go about it. For a number of years I had a brewing motherly anger toward my in-laws. How could they not want to spend time with their grandkids? Why don't they ever invite us over (trust me, my kids aren't hellions)? Why can't they be more...well, grandparenty?!

Finally, I realized that this is all that they have to give, or at least all that they are willing to give. I have decided to accept it and move forward. I have wonderful friends who make up our extended "family". It has done wonderst to stop being angry. I have stopped complaining about it to everyone I know. I have even grown to like them more! Some people just aren't cut out to be hands on grandparents. Their loss.

 

[epcotprincess]

Our DD's grandparents are overinvolved, if anything. We see each set of parents at least once a week, many times twice a week.

I jazzercise with my mom and spend the day with her afterwards. My dad watches the baby while we do this, so I see them at least 2-3 times a week and they are 30 minutes away.

DH's parents are 25-ish away and we brunch with them every Sunday after church and usually have dinner one week night.

I am a SAHM so that probably makes a big difference in how often DD sees them since I visit during the day a lot.

It does get really exhausting sometimes. DH's mom complains if we go longer than 7, 8 days. She once called crying because it had been 10 days.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I can imagine that would be beyond frustrating.

My kids have been very blessed with their grandparents. Honestly, moreso that I ever thought would be the case. Dh's parents live right down the road so any time one of the kids gets sick and dh and I can't take off work to go get them or something then they generally will help us out. Next week my dd is out the entire week for Thanksgiving break. I am off on Thurs. and Fri. but have to work the first part of the week. Dh's parents said they will watch her Mon.-Wed. My dd is so excited!

My mom and stepdad live an hour away but they have been very involved with my children as well. My younger brother who is 27 still lives at home and is the greatest uncle ever! My kids ADORE him! So that's like a bonus for my kids when we go visit.

My dad and stepmom also live an hour away. We don't see them nearly as often as the other grandparents but, when we do, they are also really great with the kids and the kids adore them. Yes, we don't see them nearly as much as the others but it hasn't affected any of us really. The relationship is just fine like that, ironically.

The coolest part is that each set of grandparents are drastically different so the kids love them for different reasons.

 

[rodeo65]

My parents, who live one street over and in fact our yards back up to each other's with a gate between them, are involved but also give us space.

When we moved in here, my mom made a point of saying that they would not just drop in or always be "bothering" us. She said she didn't want DH to regret moving next to his inlaws. They are involved with our kids during the time that they are here, but spend winters in FL so they miss out on things like Christmas concerts. They have been back in time for one grandparent's day.

We don't ask much of them in terms of babysitting because first, I want them to enjoy their time with my kids, not have to be the disciplinarians. That's my job and DH's. They already raised their kids. Also, they have some health issues that make it more difficult to manage. Dad has RA and seems to need a lot of extra sleep. Mom is diabetic and doesn't seem to have the energy to cope with much these days, unfortunately. Mix that with a highly energetic pair of kids and they get tired out pretty easily. Five years ago they were much more hands on. It will be interesting to see how we all manage for three days in a two bedroom villa at OKW with two park days.

DH seems to want more involvement from them, but I think he's trying to make up for his parents. Who we do not see at all. We had many issues that caused us to break ties with his family when DD was three months old. We tried again to repair the relationship a couple of years ago, but it quickly became clear that nothing had changed on his mom's part. They do want interaction with the kids to brag about them to their friends and they want pictures but don't seem to want any real relationship. During the time we were trying to piece it together again, they came for a visit (they live four hours away) but left 15 minutes before the kids were due home from school.

DH feels that since they don't want to have a good relationship with him they can do without their "bragging rights".

 

[JOCAmom]

OP, I feel your pain. My story is just a bit different.

When I had our first child, my parents were very involved in her life. We lived with them for a while but even after we moved out, they would always come and pick her up for outings. I loved it because I had grown up close to both my grandparents. When I had our second child, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my dad left her. We worked through all that and though we had reached a good place.

We ended up living a block from my father for a while. By this time, DH and I had 3 girls together and he has a son from a previous relationship. Thought life was pretty good. We saw my dad and his new wife daily. I helped with their wedding and all kinds of things. But once we moved, all contact pretty much stopped with him. We only moved across town. He has not seen his grandkids in a year. I would invite him to various things but it was always some excuse why he couldn't come. The old "out of site, out of mind". My dad even told me in was more important to go to the local fair then to come to a big holiday picnic that we had.

My mom has her own life now that she was diagnosed with cancer. I don't begrudge her but yet I do. Flame me if you want.....I love my mom and only want her live her life happy and healthy. But in living her life the way she wants, she's cut out her grandkids. We get together for holidays but that's about it. And she only lives about 15 minutes from us.

Add to the fact that my in-laws live with us. They love the cheap room and board but get annoyed by my kids being kids. My FIL's response to my kids is to hide in his bedroom ignoring everyone. My MIL give the typical "uh-huh" response to everything. They are here but not really.

I wish my life could be different but I'm realizing that it will never be. I can only do for my kids what I can. I can't make anyone spend time with them. I can only show them how much I love them and value the time I spend with them.