How do you tell your other kids they are not going?- Updated

[katie111]

I have 3 kids, DD11, DS10, and DS7. They have been to Disney and Universal many times. Probably about 7 times in total for the older ones. I have decided to take just my DD for a 12th birthday trip to Universal. We got free flights on SW using points and I have a family member who works for Universal so we'll get free park tix and we got a huge discount on hotel. My DD's birthday is next Friday and we're going for 3 nights. The kids all know we are doing some sort of surprise for her birthday but they have no idea what it is.

My problem is that I have no idea how to tell the other kids that they are not going! My Dh doesn't really like theme parks so most of the time I've taken the 3 kids on my own. I feel really badly for not bringing them but at the same time DD is becoming a tween and we haven't exactly been getting along great lately. I think some mother-daughter bonding would be great for us. My plan id to say that this is new family tradition and when each of them turn 12, they will get to take a special trip with mom or dad. I know they'll be excited about that but at the same time it will seem so far in the distance that I think they'll still be very upset about not going.

Just wondering how other's people's kids react to the news that their siblings are going and they are not. I know that "life isn't always fair" and we teach our kids that a lot, but I still feel bad! Unfortunately, the boys have sports all weekend so it's not like Dad can do something special with them while we are gone. Trying to figure out if I should tell them first, or tell her first, or just tell them all at once as they head out for the bus (we leave right after school).

 

[mm1971]

I have 3 kids, DD11, DS10, and DS7. They have been to Disney and Universal many times. Probably about 7 times in total for the older ones. I have decided to take just my DD for a 12th birthday trip to Universal. We got free flights on SW using points and I have a family member who works for Universal so we'll get free park tix and we got a huge discount on hotel. My DD's birthday is next Friday and we're going for 3 nights. The kids all know we are doing some sort of surprise for her birthday but they have no idea what it is.

My problem is that I have no idea how to tell the other kids that they are not going! My Dh doesn't really like theme parks so most of the time I've taken the 3 kids on my own. I feel really badly for not bringing them but at the same time DD is becoming a tween and we haven't exactly been getting along great lately. I think some mother-daughter bonding would be great for us. My plan id to say that this is new family tradition and when each of them turn 12, they will get to take a special trip with mom or dad. I know they'll be excited about that but at the same time it will seem so far in the distance that I think they'll still be very upset about not going.

Just wondering how other's people's kids react to the news that their siblings are going and they are not. I know that "life isn't always fair" and we teach our kids that a lot, but I still feel bad! Unfortunately, the boys have sports all weekend so it's not like Dad can do something special with them while we are gone. Trying to figure out if I should tell them first, or tell her first, or just tell them all at once as they head out for the bus (we leave right after school).

DD and I are going to WDW for her birthday in October. DS is not attending. We also did this a few years ago. Basically, I try to plan something with DS as well later is the year with just the two of us. I would just tell them and then see what other interests they may have and spend some one on one time with each of them. They'll understand. DS actually is excited. We are planning to fly to Miami for a few days to go see a baseball game when time allows.

 

[nugov2]

As long as you plan to do something similar with the other kids I see no problem with it. You explain it as this is a time that dd and you get to spend special time together and soon you will plan a trip for just them. My dh is flying with my son to Boston to see the Red Sox and I will be flying with my dd to New York to see a Broadway musical. It is fun to have trips alone. Enjoy her birthday trip

 

[Happyjen27]

DD and I are going to WDW for her birthday in October. DS is not attending. We also did this a few years ago. Basically, I try to plan something with DS as well later is the year with just the two of us. I would just tell them and then see what other interests they may have and spend some one on one time with each of them. They'll understand. DS actually is excited. We are planning to fly to Miami for a few days to go see a baseball game when time allows.

Yup!

I would stick with the "12 is important and each of you will get a special trip when you turn 12." I would also have something awesome planned for each of the other kids within 4-6 months of the trip with DD. It doesn't have to be a trip, just one awesome day doing something they love with one of their parents. Or, have DH plan something awesome while you're away with DD.

 

[kohlby]

Your other kids are old enough to understand that you'll do something special with them when they turn 12. One of the kids is really close, so that's likely easy to wait. However, though the 7 year old will understand it, it may be a little more difficult since it's a longer wait. So I'd suggest that your husband does something special, but on a much smaller scale, while you're gone with them. They could still work this around their sports - something simple, like going out to a frozen topping yogurt place after the game, renting a movie or going out to a movie at night, getting their favorite dinner, etc.

 

[brockash]

I have 3 kids, DD11, DS10, and DS7. They have been to Disney and Universal many times. Probably about 7 times in total for the older ones. I have decided to take just my DD for a 12th birthday trip to Universal. We got free flights on SW using points and I have a family member who works for Universal so we'll get free park tix and we got a huge discount on hotel. My DD's birthday is next Friday and we're going for 3 nights. The kids all know we are doing some sort of surprise for her birthday but they have no idea what it is.

My problem is that I have no idea how to tell the other kids that they are not going! My Dh doesn't really like theme parks so most of the time I've taken the 3 kids on my own. I feel really badly for not bringing them but at the same time DD is becoming a tween and we haven't exactly been getting along great lately. I think some mother-daughter bonding would be great for us. My plan id to say that this is new family tradition and when each of them turn 12, they will get to take a special trip with mom or dad. I know they'll be excited about that but at the same time it will seem so far in the distance that I think they'll still be very upset about not going.

Just wondering how other's people's kids react to the news that their siblings are going and they are not. I know that "life isn't always fair" and we teach our kids that a lot, but I still feel bad! Unfortunately, the boys have sports all weekend so it's not like Dad can do something special with them while we are gone. Trying to figure out if I should tell them first, or tell her first, or just tell them all at once as they head out for the bus (we leave right after school).

I'd definitely tell them first so they're prepared (like just the day or even an hr before). I'd also make sure they understand that when they turn 12 they'll get to do something fun with just them and mom/dad.

 

[puffkin]

I definitely think it is fine to do this, especially if you are prepared to take the other two when they turn 12. I would suggest doing something special with each of the others shortly before or after your trip. Nothing huge/expensive....maybe a movie date or mini golf or something like that. So they get a little something now that doesn't break the bank, plus the knowledge that they have something big when they turn 12.

 

[Shrimp332]

I would not recommend doing it just before they get on the bus. If they are really upset it isn't fair to have to get on a bus and be around their peers... I would do it the night before when you have plenty of time to talk and explain and for them to ask questions or whatever else

 

[navyblue8]

I am taking my 8 year old for her 9th and leaving my 5 and 2 year old with daddy. She is the oldest and so she gets to go. They get to go lots of places with us while she is at school. It is a surprise so I guess they will find out when we get back after 2 days. I expect tears but I am not one who thinks everything has to be even all the time. They will be ok.

 

[dpswift]

I would not recommend doing it just before they get on the bus. If they are really upset it isn't fair to have to get on a bus and be around their peers... I would do it the night before when you have plenty of time to talk and explain and for them to ask questions or whatever else

Agree on the way out the door is not a good idea. The little one is the only one that should have a hard time understanding. Just explain that it is not his turn to go. Do try to find something fun for them even if it is just a meal in a restaurant. DS was 9 when I took my daughters on a graduation cruise and he got to hang out with grandpa.

For several years I took DS starting when he was 4 to Disney every year with one other sibling. My kids were fine. We just explained it to them.

They do need to time to adjust to the news. Either tell them a day or 2 before or have DH tell them after you leave. I could understand how they could get upset if you told them on the way out the door for school.

 

[ashleymrush]

I don't know what the dynamics of the relationship is amongst the siblings but if you think they'll be happy for her then maybe you can make them a part of the big reveal and have them help to tell her. Then they get to play a role in the excitement. I also agree with a special weekend fun day with dad too. I little ice cream can go a long way. Have fun!

 

[PHXscuba]

Our kids have gotten a short weekend trip around the time they turned 12 with Mom or Dad. They have all understood it was a special privilege to look forward to and trust us that we will follow through. I just got done taking child 3 of 4 for her trip last month.

All that being said, my best friend (who is as nuts about Disney as I am) and I have a tentative plan to take our daughters -- who have been good friends since birth -- to Disneyland when they turn 16 next summer. I am already bracing for the "not fair" from the other kids. They've all been to Disneyland multiple times, but this is bigger than we usually do for birthdays and the players and options might not be the same when they turn 16. So I am not looking forward to that discussion. And I don't know that we'll be able to keep it a surprise right up until going.

... the ongoing debate between "fair" and "equal" ...

PHXscuba

 

[GrtWtNorth]

I'm going to suggest that you tell them all sooner, but not for the same reason you considered. If you and your daughter have not been getting along recently, then your ideal mom-and-daughter bonding vacation may actually turn into mom-and-daughter forced march through enemy territory. I hope you can achieve the bonding you think you need. But your daughter may need some mental preparation to enjoy this trip with you.

My mother and sister argued fiercely and constantly when my sister was age 11-14. They could barely be civil when left in the same room. But with me and my dad in the mix, there was enough of a barrier between them that they could almost function normally. Those were tough years.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I suggest letting them all know know about the age 12 trip plan for everyone. Let them know that DD12 trip is coming up soon and it's going to be a surprise. I agree with PP that you DD may need a bit assurance that this trip will be fun for her. I however, may not tell any of them where you are going. I would surprise her with it on the way or once you arrive. That might save a lot of her "rubbing it in" with her siblings and lower your guilt too. When they have had a great dad week-end and you return bearing good gifts from the trip.....easy to get over.
I do suggest you be very sure that you are prepared to do the same or equal trip next year with your next child, even if there are no freebies available then.

 

[Iowajes]

I suggest letting them all know know about the age 12 trip plan for everyone.

I'd be really careful with how you phrase this though. "Will will do something very special for everyone's 12th birthday."

The situation may be such that it isn't possible to do a trip as each child turns 12. And you certainly don't want them counting down to a 'guaranteed' Disney vacation.

 

[Suzie13]

I like the idea of telling them you will do something special for them in return. My parents use to take my older siblings to things my younger sister and I could not attend. They always did things with us to make up for it or vice versa. As long as you keep a balance with your kids, they will understand.

 

[Ariel on Land]

I'm not sure if I'll tell them before we go, or after we get back. I'm taking baby sister, so I'll remind them that they have been twice without her. And yes, we will try to find something just for them.

 

[katie111]

Decided to tell my boys this morning as my DD is at a sleepover. They took it REALLY well! Just told them that this trip was just for me & her and when they turn 12, they will get a special trip with either Mom or Dad and they can even help plan it. DS7 became a little sad but once we started talking about where he might want to go on his b-day trip he started to get excited (even though it's 5 years away!).

Thanks so much for the help!

 

[angelmom27]

Decided to tell my boys this morning as my DD is at a sleepover. They took it REALLY well! Just told them that this trip was just for me & her and when they turn 12, they will get a special trip with either Mom or Dad and they can even help plan it. DS7 became a little sad but once we started talking about where he might want to go on his b-day trip he started to get excited (even though it's 5 years away!).

Thanks so much for the help!

Glad it went well. That is the samething we are doing. My DD last yr went with me to NOJ and we are going again this yr. The younger girls know that when they turn 8 too they will join us. My one DD will be 8 next yr. They talk about what they want to do and are already planning their trips.

 

[BabiesDaddy]

I'd been devastated had my mom or dad took my brother on vacation and left me home growing up. Just sayin'.........