Our 7 y/o son has zero confidence in himself. He's a great kid. He does very good in school. We've had him in soccer for several seasons, which he enjoys and is ok at. He played basketball for a fantastic league last year and actually made some progress with his confidence level... or so I thought.
The National Guard brought a rock wall to his school today and he was soooo excited!! He tried it last year but didn't make it to the top, but he was pretty okay with it. He begged and begged me to come today, so I took an hour off work and went. He has talked and talked about this rock wall, done "exercises" to prepare, drug all his shoes out of his closet to pick just the right pair that could grip the wall the best, picked his outfit carefully this morning - the shorts had to be stretchy and they shirt couldn't be too big because it would get in his way. He was ready.... and he choked. He made it about a third of the way up but you could see his confidence level drop every time he had to question where the next step was going to come from. There were tons of people cheering him on. He tried a few times, with rests in between (all the kids were doing this. They would try then go to the back of the line), but ended up in tears. Several of his friends made it, even some *gasp* girls!
So now, he's mortified. He asked me to go ahead and take him home, but I wouldn't do it. I tried to tell him that I know he was disappointed but at least he tried his best. His retort was, "If my best is only that far up, then I'm an idiot." That's something he does quite often.... calls himself stupid or an idiot if he can't do something on the first try or can't grasp a concept in his homework. FTR, I nor my husband have ever once called him these names and we don't call each other these names.
We encourage him and tell him we are proud when he does good things. I don't clap and cheer when he goes to the bathroom or anything, meaning I don't praise every little action he makes. But, just like the other night, we were at a field trip for Boy Scouts and many of the boys were rough horseplaying when they were supposed to be quiet and staying in one general area. DS stood where he was supposed to. Some of the other boys came by and talked and asked him to come play, but he didn't do it. He knew what he was supposed to be doing and he did it. As soon as we got in the car, we told him that we were very proud of him for doing as he was told and acting so good. No prize, no toy, no reward, just our pride and love.
Sorry this is so long and thanks if you have read this far. I'm just at a total loss. He was completely devastated and humiliated today at that rock wall. I could have cried right along with him, but I, of course, did not. This is the part of parenting no one tells you about. LOL
So how do you instill confidence in a child?
The National Guard brought a rock wall to his school today and he was soooo excited!! He tried it last year but didn't make it to the top, but he was pretty okay with it. He begged and begged me to come today, so I took an hour off work and went. He has talked and talked about this rock wall, done "exercises" to prepare, drug all his shoes out of his closet to pick just the right pair that could grip the wall the best, picked his outfit carefully this morning - the shorts had to be stretchy and they shirt couldn't be too big because it would get in his way. He was ready.... and he choked. He made it about a third of the way up but you could see his confidence level drop every time he had to question where the next step was going to come from. There were tons of people cheering him on. He tried a few times, with rests in between (all the kids were doing this. They would try then go to the back of the line), but ended up in tears. Several of his friends made it, even some *gasp* girls!
So now, he's mortified. He asked me to go ahead and take him home, but I wouldn't do it. I tried to tell him that I know he was disappointed but at least he tried his best. His retort was, "If my best is only that far up, then I'm an idiot." That's something he does quite often.... calls himself stupid or an idiot if he can't do something on the first try or can't grasp a concept in his homework. FTR, I nor my husband have ever once called him these names and we don't call each other these names.
We encourage him and tell him we are proud when he does good things. I don't clap and cheer when he goes to the bathroom or anything, meaning I don't praise every little action he makes. But, just like the other night, we were at a field trip for Boy Scouts and many of the boys were rough horseplaying when they were supposed to be quiet and staying in one general area. DS stood where he was supposed to. Some of the other boys came by and talked and asked him to come play, but he didn't do it. He knew what he was supposed to be doing and he did it. As soon as we got in the car, we told him that we were very proud of him for doing as he was told and acting so good. No prize, no toy, no reward, just our pride and love.
Sorry this is so long and thanks if you have read this far. I'm just at a total loss. He was completely devastated and humiliated today at that rock wall. I could have cried right along with him, but I, of course, did not. This is the part of parenting no one tells you about. LOL
So how do you instill confidence in a child?
My kids are generally pretty confident, but both can be very hard on themselves sometimes, too, and I haven't really found a way to get through to them when they call themselves dumb or whatever. I'll usually tell them not to be so hard on themselves, the effort is what is important, everybody grows/learns different things at different rates and I remind them of what they are good at.
What you do is work them up to it.
In a sense, it's ok to be brat during the game. 
