How do you teach a child to have confidence in themselves? x-post

[Sarah7401]

I also posted this on the Community Board, but thought I would pose the question here as well. If this is a no-no, mods, please feel free to delete.

Our 7 y/o son has zero confidence in himself. He's a great kid. He does very good in school. We've had him in soccer for several seasons, which he enjoys and is ok at. He played basketball for a fantastic league last year and actually made some progress with his confidence level... or so I thought.

The National Guard brought a rock wall to his school today and he was soooo excited!! He tried it last year but didn't make it to the top, but he was pretty okay with it. He begged and begged me to come today, so I took an hour off work and went. He has talked and talked about this rock wall, done "exercises" to prepare, drug all his shoes out of his closet to pick just the right pair that could grip the wall the best, picked his outfit carefully this morning - the shorts had to be stretchy and they shirt couldn't be too big because it would get in his way. He was ready.... and he choked. He made it about a third of the way up but you could see his confidence level drop every time he had to question where the next step was going to come from. There were tons of people cheering him on. He tried a few times, with rests in between (all the kids were doing this. They would try then go to the back of the line), but ended up in tears. Several of his friends made it, even some *gasp* girls!

So now, he's mortified. He asked me to go ahead and take him home, but I wouldn't do it. I tried to tell him that I know he was disappointed but at least he tried his best. His retort was, "If my best is only that far up, then I'm an idiot." That's something he does quite often.... calls himself stupid or an idiot if he can't do something on the first try or can't grasp a concept in his homework. FTR, I nor my husband have ever once called him these names and we don't call each other these names.

We encourage him and tell him we are proud when he does good things. I don't clap and cheer when he goes to the bathroom or anything, meaning I don't praise every little action he makes. But, just like the other night, we were at a field trip for Boy Scouts and many of the boys were rough horseplaying when they were supposed to be quiet and staying in one general area. DS stood where he was supposed to. Some of the other boys came by and talked and asked him to come play, but he didn't do it. He knew what he was supposed to be doing and he did it. As soon as we got in the car, we told him that we were very proud of him for doing as he was told and acting so good. No prize, no toy, no reward, just our pride and love.

Sorry this is so long and thanks if you have read this far. I'm just at a total loss. He was completely devastated and humiliated today at that rock wall. I could have cried right along with him, but I, of course, did not. This is the part of parenting no one tells you about. LOL

So how do you instill confidence in a child?

 

[LuvBaloo]

No real answer for you.
It sounds like you are doing the right things.
Does he ever see you or your DH do something badly? Maybe it would help him to see you unable to do something.

If your son could see you unable to do something or unable to do it well, you could say to him "I can't do it, I must be an idiot" or "I can't do it, am I an idiot?" I'm assuming he doesn't think you're an idiot, so he'll say no, and then you can say "neither are you when you were climbing the wall".
That may help him stop seeing himself as an idiot.

 

[ut*disney]

I could have written this post! I am SO glad you wrote this!!

My husband and I are dealing with this right now with our 7-year old son. Our son is very smart. I am not saying this because he is our son. He has a photographic memory and reads on a 3rd to 4th grade level. He is SO very hard on himself it breaks our heart into a million pieces!

If he doesn't win or come in first at something, whether it be on the playground, sports, videogames, or anywhere, he calls himself an idiot or stupid or a failure. If he does good at something, he always find fault in what he did and room for improvement. We do NOT teach this at home! We have taught it's okay to not win all of the time. As long as you try your best, that is what is important. Sometimes you learn better by watching others.

We are at a crossroads because we don't know what to do! If we encourage him to do his best, we feel we are supporting this kind of behavior. But then on the other hand, you *want* your children to succeed. We are at a total loss!

 

[Mrs D]

Wow. I don't have answer for you but just a .

I teach pre-school swim lessons and see a bit of this in some kids. I wish I had a better idea of how I could hep them.

 

[erinmomof2]

I grew up just like your son. In many ways I'm still like that. I was never the best at anything. I expected perfection from myself and considered myself a failure when I didn't measure up to my impossible standards. My parent's did everything right, I just placed these standards on myself. I worked my butt off to get good grades at school, I didn't have a lot of friends because I always felt everyone else was better than me, I was in dance and I tried so hard to be the best there. As a teenager I threw myself into volunteer work, always trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I was good enough. Really the only thing that finally helped a little was finding something I was really good at. For me that didn't happen until I was 20 years old, when I got a job that I was excellent at. I was quickly promoted several times, given pay raises, and repeatedly told by the company owners how good I was doing. I was made a supervisor within a year. For me this changed everything. Finally someone else thought I was worth something. For me it didn't matter if my parents told me this everyday.... I always had the opinion that they had to say those things because they were my parents... that they had to love me. So I needed to hear it from someone else, someone that had no ties to me.

Anyways, I just wanted to share my perspective on it. I don't have that job anymore. I'm a SAHM now, but seriously quiting my job was the hardest thing I had to do. I cried like a baby the day I talked to my boss! But I'm much better now than I used to be, and although I think I still expect too much from myself I am much better than I used to be.

So maybe for your son once he finds his thing, he'll improve too.

 

[erinmomof2]

I wanted to add that I'm terrified of my kids turning out like me! What I do is anytime their teacher, dance teacher, ect tell me anything positive about them I make sure I pass it on to my kids. I tell them what the other person said, and make it a big deal. I try to make sure they realize that other people, not just my DH and I, think their pretty great.

 

[jt8595]

I have a 14 year old who sounds very similar and it sounds like you have an approach much like our's. I don't think you can teach confidence but just provide positive support and encouragement. Personality is a huge factor.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Parenting can rip your heart out, can't it?

What about, instead of telling him you're proud of him (external approval), saying, "Wow, you must feel proud of yourself that you did that." That way, he's not looking elsewhere to feel good, but can find it in himself. Or instead of, "Hey, great job!" saying, "Holy smokes, it's hard work to rake up that many leaves. You've gotta feel good about doing that." So you're more being an observing voice, pointing out his achievements without any qualifiers.

As far something like the climbing wall (big kudos to him for tackling it -- I'd be petrified to do that, lol!), although this is after the fact, maybe something like, "It looked like you weren't sure where to grab onto after that yellow handhold. How'd you figure out to go left?" Or whatever -- so you're getting him to notice his own resilience.

Anyhoo. Just thinking out loud. It's a hard topic! Good luck to both of you. Also, keep in mind in could be an age thing. Kids this age are right in between being "little" kids and being able to suddenly do a lot more when they're, say, 9 years old. It's gotta be frustrating for them.

 

[indimom]

But I think you see this a lot in kids of any age when they are transitioning/learning something new. When a baby is on the verge of walking, they frequently appear cranky and fussy and frustrated, then suddenly they are walking and you get a golden period. When kindergarteners are starting to learn letter sounds and beginning reading, they get really worked up, once it clicks they are so confident they are almost giddy.

For what it is worth, I doubt if your son has "less" self-confidence than your average child. There are probably areas of his life where he excels naturally and you (and he) don't even notice his confidence because you aren't focused on it like you are the challenges. And those kids who climbed the wall easily, may be upset at home over their math homework. You just don't see it.

I think you are doing all the right things, it's just hard when you see your kids upset. Just keep doing what your doing, be supportive and encouraging. And when he finally does climb that wall, remind him of how he worked and learned and finally achieved it. (And the things that come easily in life aren't nearly as much fun as the things you worked hard at. Those are the ones you remember!)

 

[NHdisneylover]

I posted on the other thread too--I hope you don't mind seeiing two answers from me

The example you give here reinforces my initial thought on the CB that telling kids like this to try their best is backfiring. He wants his best to be good. Try to emphasize just experiencing and having fun.

Also, I think the PP's point that you should encourage him to feel proud of himself when he succeeds and rather than telling him you are proud of him. Along those lines, it is nice to pass on good comments, but that (and you own parise) can start to feel forced to a child (even though it isn't). Maybe you can try telling others about the good comments you got about him, or your own observations when he might overhear (like while on the phone with your mom say "DS should be so proud of himself because. . ." when he is in the next room and might hear that).

You might want to look for a good martial arts program in your area. The best schools really work on self esteem and do great things for the kids. There is no competition in the sport, but the kids are still meeting and setting goals FOR THEMSELVES as they work towards higher belts. Karate has been wonderful for my DD. Also (as a PP on the other thread suggested) it would be good to get involved in lots of activities where the process is the focus rather than the end result. Maybe hiking, reading, book clubs, singing, etc.

Finally, pay attention to the message you send. If you see another kid struggling don't comment about the "poor kid" comment "wow! That kid is really working hard at that--how awesome"). Try to notice and praise effort in OTHERS rather than success so that your son might be more likely to start viewing the world (and subsequently his place in it) somewhat more in those terms. Along the same lines, make sure when you screw up in front of your son you do not make negative comments about yourself because of it. Show him by example how to be a graceful loser, how to decide when to quit (once the season is over there is no reason to continue an activity that is more frustrating than fun--look for something that will be fun). Even if you just give up on a complex soufflé recipe and say "you know what, we don't NEED to have soufflé for dinner and this recipe is frustrating and I am not having fun cooking any more. I think I will try making Rice Krispie treats instead. That will be fun and we will still get a yummy treat for dessert. Sometimes kids don't know that it is okay not to try and TRY and keep on trying to do something and that they dislike.

 

[PiperPizzaz]

I think you need to find somewhere he can do a rock wall. I know there are places that do it. We have one at our children's museum. Tell him you know he can do it and see if he can get up just a bit farther each time. When he does do it he is going to learn two thing. 1. He can do what he sets his mind to. 2. Sometimes things we want take work.
You said he does very well in school. Sometimes (often) bright kids get this perfectionist issue. If they can't do something perfectly the first time they don't want to do it all.

GL!