How do you support hubby with loss of his mother when she treated you like this...

[Magic Mom]

I just was feeling bad for myself, yes, but I haven't told him that. I'm been supportive and gave him support no matter how I felt because it is his mom. No matter how she treated me...I would never talk bad about her. I was just trying to make him understand why the kids felt the way they did...does that make any sense?

I agree with PPs, be compassionate, understand his loss and be there for him. But I have to ask, how does your husbands grief over the loss of his mother lead you to feel sorry for yourself? Since you had no feelings about her death, wouldn't you be more focused on feeling sorry for your husband?

 

[kdudley3]

I thank all of you with kind and supportive responses. It means alot to reach out and have people to support you.

I'm just trying to learn how to divide my feelings to the right place.

I really do feel empathy and sympathy for all of your losses and struggles through them, that's why I thought I could come here. Although a few bad apples...u guys came through for me.....thank you...I feel better and stronger to help my husband through this...I helped him through his father but helping him through his last parent was hard.

Thanks for the support and help giving me the strength to carry on.

I will say a prayer for all of you dealing with the same pain !!!!!

Again.............thank you !!!!!!!!! It means the world to me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FireDancer]

I just don't know how to make my kids show greiving for the sake of their father.

You can't. I don't think anyone can make someone feel an emotion they don't want to feel. I agree with those people that say it really isn't about grieving for your MIL or your kids grieving for their grandmother. It is about showing support for you husband and their father.

I wouldn't expect anyone to grieve for the sake of me but I would hope they showed me support while I was grieving. Those are two very different things. The later is more realistic than forcing the former.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I agree with PPs, be compassionate, understand his loss and be there for him. But I have to ask, how does your husbands grief over the loss of his mother lead you to feel sorry for yourself? Since you had no feelings about her death, wouldn't you be more focused on feeling sorry for your husband?

Because people feel what they feel. End of story.

She's doing the best she can with what she has available. My judging her isn't going to magically change how she's feeling, the same way that other people judging me won't somehow magically change my feelings. I feel what I feel.

If anything, someone judging me because of my feelings is just going to make me not express my feelings to them. Eventually, that person (who I can't express my feelings to without being judged) drift right on out of my life because they're not offering anything that can be remotely nourishing to me, therefore I cannot offer anything remotely nourishing to them in return. And when they die, I generally don't shed any tears for them because I simply didn't have the relationship with them that others did.

I can feel badly for their relatives, I can feel badly for myself because someone I care about is hurting and I can't seem to help them, but I can't feel badly for that person who cared more about their own judgment than they did about my feelings.

However, if it makes you feel better to be judgmental, by all means do so. It won't change the OP's feelings about it, and your expressing your judgment will likely hurt the OP more if she allows your opinions to sway her real life values. But since it's obviously making you feel better and giving you some sense of personal validation to do so, then I say go ahead and judge. You feel what you feel, right?

Stand strong, OP. There are those of us out here who "get it".

 

[kdudley3]

I agree with PPs, be compassionate, understand his loss and be there for him. But I have to ask, how does your husbands grief over the loss of his mother lead you to feel sorry for yourself? Since you had no feelings about her death, wouldn't you be more focused on feeling sorry for your husband?

The sad part about that is I loved her as I thought she loved me, but I found out it was a lie. She never loved me and inretrospect, I should have seen it, but that's just not how my family is. We take in all boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses and friends like family and treat them that way. I thought the whole family loved me, but they lied, except for my father in law.

The truth is I guess I loved my mother in law, but it crushed me when I learned she didn't. I would rather have known the truth from the beginning instead of giving my heart to a family that neverf cared about me.

I'm not a bad person, if my worst enemy would call me in trouble, i would do anything to keep them safe.

 

[Magic Mom]

Because people feel what they feel. End of story.

She's doing the best she can with what she has available. My judging her isn't going to magically change how she's feeling, the same way that other people judging me won't somehow magically change my feelings. I feel what I feel.

If anything, someone judging me because of my feelings is just going to make me not express my feelings to them. Eventually, that person (who I can't express my feelings to without being judged) drift right on out of my life because they're not offering anything that can be remotely nourishing to me, therefore I cannot offer anything remotely nourishing to them in return. And when they die, I generally don't shed any tears for them because I simply didn't have the relationship with them that others did.

I can feel badly for their relatives, I can feel badly for myself because someone I care about is hurting and I can't seem to help them, but I can't feel badly for that person who cared more about their own judgment than they did about my feelings.

However, if it makes you feel better to be judgmental, by all means do so. It won't change the OP's feelings about it, and your expressing your judgment will likely hurt the OP more if she allows your opinions to sway her real life values. But since it's obviously making you feel better and giving you some sense of personal validation to do so, then I say go ahead and judge. You feel what you feel, right?

Stand strong, OP. There are those of us out here who "get it".

Where was my judgement? I asked her a question because I didn't understand her thought process. If I was harshly judging her, I would have said something negative.
I don't feel one way or the other about the OP. She asked how to support her husband, and I gave an answer. Then I asked a question. If it makes you feel superior to read more into my post than there was, then you do that. You must need some ego boosting.

 

[RitaZ.]

The sad part about that is I loved her as I thought she loved me, but I found out it was a lie. She never loved me and inretrospect, I should have seen it, but that's just not how my family is. We take in all boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses and friends like family and treat them that way. I thought the whole family loved me, but they lied, except for my father in law.

The truth is I guess I loved my mother in law, but it crushed me when I learned she didn't. I would rather have known the truth from the beginning instead of giving my heart to a family that neverf cared about me.

I'm not a bad person, if my worst enemy would call me in trouble, i would do anything to keep them safe.

It sounds like you feel that you've been left "holding the bag". What I mean by that is that you're now the one left to deal with all the hurt feelings, slights and anger that have accumulated over the years. Your MIL is now gone. She is out of the equation now, yet you have a lot of unresolved feelings toward her. The same thing happened to me. All I can tell you is that it took time for me to settle all that in my head. The healthiest thing to do is to let it all go, but it takes time to get there.

For now, do what you have to do to get through this difficult time with your husband and your children. One thing at a time.

 

[Magic Mom]

The sad part about that is I loved her as I thought she loved me, but I found out it was a lie. She never loved me and inretrospect, I should have seen it, but that's just not how my family is. We take in all boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses and friends like family and treat them that way. I thought the whole family loved me, but they lied, except for my father in law.

The truth is I guess I loved my mother in law, but it crushed me when I learned she didn't. I would rather have known the truth from the beginning instead of giving my heart to a family that neverf cared about me.

I'm not a bad person, if my worst enemy would call me in trouble, i would do anything to keep them safe.

So you are grieving. You are grieving the relationship you thought you had before she turned nasty. Don't try to make your husband understand how she hurt you. He knows that. Just give him the compassion he needs.

 

[FergieTCat]

The sad part about that is I loved her as I thought she loved me, but I found out it was a lie. She never loved me and inretrospect, I should have seen it, but that's just not how my family is. We take in all boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses and friends like family and treat them that way. I thought the whole family loved me, but they lied, except for my father in law.

The truth is I guess I loved my mother in law, but it crushed me when I learned she didn't. I would rather have known the truth from the beginning instead of giving my heart to a family that neverf cared about me.

I'm not a bad person, if my worst enemy would call me in trouble, i would do anything to keep them safe.

Please check your pms. No flames, I promise.

 

[kdudley3]

Because people feel what they feel. End of story.

She's doing the best she can with what she has available. My judging her isn't going to magically change how she's feeling, the same way that other people judging me won't somehow magically change my feelings. I feel what I feel.

If anything, someone judging me because of my feelings is just going to make me not express my feelings to them. Eventually, that person (who I can't express my feelings to without being judged) drift right on out of my life because they're not offering anything that can be remotely nourishing to me, therefore I cannot offer anything remotely nourishing to them in return. And when they die, I generally don't shed any tears for them because I simply didn't have the relationship with them that others did.
judge.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I knew there people here to...but I also

I can feel badly for their relatives, I can feel badly for myself because someone I care about is hurting and I can't seem to help them, but I can't feel badly for that person who cared more about their own judgment than they did about my feelings.

However, if it makes you feel better to be judgmental, by all means do so. It won't change the OP's feelings about it, and your expressing your judgment will likely hurt the OP more if she allows your opinions to sway her real life values. But since it's obviously making you feel better and giving you some sense of personal validation to do so, then I say go ahead and judge. You feel what you feel, right?

Stand strong, OP. There are those of us out here who "get it".

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I always knew that there more caring people than negative here...that's why I came back.

You guys are great...and for all of the people that supported me, I will say it again...feel good about what you have done, you've helped someone in their time of need !!!!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Your MIL is now gone. She is out of the equation now, yet you have a lot of unresolved feelings toward her.

The healthiest thing to do is to let it all go, but it takes time to get there.

I agree with this... and I will take it one step further.

OP, your MIL is gone now. Your husband is likely going to have mixed emotions in trying to sort through his feelings.

Not only letting it go, but FORGIVING your MIL will allow you to let some of the hurt go and perhaps offer more sympathy toward what your DH is feeling - which I would guess would be the love he felt for her growing up (regardless of the hurts that may have occurred later).

Forgiving is for you, not her, if that helps.

Others may disagree with my advice, and that's ok. All I ask is that you think about it for your own peace and that of your husband and children. Time to let it go now.

 

[Imzadi]

How you and your children feel about your MIL is a separate issue than how your DH feels about her. All of you are individuals with separate identities, feelings and relationships. All of you are not codependant in your feelings, (needing to feel the same things,) nor should you be.

Your DH can feel whatever he wants about his mother.

You & the kids can support him in how HE feels and what HE is going through by simply being there for HIM. He can feel the same way about a toad, it shouldn't matter. It's not about HER. Let him know you understand his grief, loss & pain and are there for him.

That's what he really wants. To know his grief is understood and that he is not alone and unsupported.

Keep your & the kids feelings about her separated out. This is about him and what he needs. You CAN be there to support him no matter how you felt about her.

 

[disykat]

I can really relate to the "I thought they loved me" feelings! I guess I was fortunate in that I found out how they really felt about me 5 years in so I've had lots of time to work through things.

When all those hurt feelings were really fresh one thing I actually thought about was what I would do if FIL died and how I would support my DH through it. It was such a huge issue in our marriage at that time that his love for his dad made it impossible for him to stick up for me. It would have been a very difficult situation. DH and I even discussed it as part of working out how we were going to keep our marriage intact. Now I could go to his funeral, mourn for my dh and for the memories of the first few years I knew FIL. I still don't think it would be appropriate for me to be in the middle of the grief - I'd be on the sidelines, probably cooking stuff, chauffering people around etc.

At home, it's obviously got to be all about dh. Hopefully you've found a place where you can get some support for what you are feeling to help you put that stuff aside and help your dh.

 

[Magic Mom]

Forgiving is for you, not her, if that helps.

Others may disagree with my advice, and that's ok. All I ask is that you think about it for your own peace and that of your husband and children. Time to let it go now.

Great post.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, you and your children should just be there for your husband. It's about him right now and no one else. His mother is gone so no matter what she did to you or to your kids, it's over. You won't have to suffer her insults or eccentricities. He however will have to deal with his loss.
Another thing and please take heed:
The way you (general you) treat your inlaws, your mother and your father is the way your children will treat you and the way they will allow their spouses to treat you.