How do you protect your children from predators?

[DisMN]

Do you go after each suspected offender individually, based on how they look and what they say or are there other ways to deal with the strangers you or your children might meet on a daily basis? What are your personal triggers for what sends you off wondering about a certain person?

What do you tell your children? Do you teach them techniques to protect themselves. How much is too much to tell them without frightening the pants off the little goobers?

How do you balance the human need to interact with other people with acceptable boundaries for protection?


I've been terribly blunt with our granddaughter for various reasons but I also have told her that most people are good kind humans. I've taught her some very simple escape techniques and we've had plenty of discussions about good touch bad touch.

So how is this topic discussed in your home?

 

[browneyes]

I know the #1 thing a predator does is target the one thing that matters most to the child, normally their family. I've read they will threaten the child's family if they tell or if they won't cooperate. I've told both of my kids to never ever ever believe for 1 second a predator will hurt me or anyone else in their family. I told them to imagine me in a grumpy mood and imagine how someone could ever possibly hurt me if I'm in a grumpy mood. I told them if someone hurts them, it would put me in the worst mood possible and that person will have to deal with me in that mood. They both agreed that person could never hurt me, but that person would definately be hurting a lot. I also told them that if anyone ever tells them "Don't tell your mom", that means they've done something wrong, and they are to tell me right away.

I've also told my kids to not be left alone with anyone unless I say it's ok.

As far as personal triggers, it's all in how the person presents themself. It's all in the eyes. If there's one description that has been adequately given to me, it's that I'm very observant.

 

[janette]

I don't think we can rely on our personal triggers. We have to make the lines of communication open and our children have the knowledge they need to recognize when someone is doing something that isn't right. Teach them to listen to their triggers and that it's okay to act on them.

Most predators are friends or family, someone you and your child trust.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think there are many ways to protect your children without scaring the the little ones to death. They need to know that noone touches them without permission, not family, not friends. That if they feel uncomfortable, they need to trust their gut. They need to know that they can trust their parents to talk about anything.

I my gut instinct. I use common sense. I don't automatically trust, yet I don't automatically suspect.

Do you go after each suspected offender individually, based on how they look and what they say or are there other ways to deal with the strangers you or your children might meet on a daily basis?

I am not sure what you mean by 'go after'? I would only go after someone if I knew they tried to hurt my child.

I also told them that if anyone ever tells them "Don't tell your mom", that means they've done something wrong, and they are to tell me right away.

yep

 

[cati]

xx

 

[ladydancer]

Originally posted by cati
I told my children that if anyone tries to get them to come near a car they are to run. If they have a gun and the person tells them to get to still run. The person in the car is not going to shoot them because it would bring attention to them. I told them to scream at the top of their lungs HELP and to keep screaming until someone came to their rescue.

I have told them to never believe if someone tells them they would hurt me or their family. That when they say that they know that they (the bad guys) have done something wrong.

I have told them it is ok to be rude to strangers that just come up to them in a store and try to talk to them. I dont want them to think they have to talk to everyone. Kids are smart and they can sometimes sense when something is not right.

I had just had a discussion with my grandson 10 who just moved in with us. I told him to "NEVER" get into a car! Once you get in the car we would never see him again. It doesn't matter if they have a gun, knife ect. Just start screaming! Bring attention to yourself. Run if you can. Fight, kick, punch what ever you can. I told him your chances are better taking a bullet or a cut then getting in that car. When he rides his bike I make him take a walkie talkie.

It ticks me off that I have to have this conversation with him but it is needed. We live in a rural area but this happens everywhere.

 

[robinb]

While it's important to talk to kids about strangers the vast majority of predetors are people the child aready knows.

The facts are that about 90 percent of sexual molestation is committed by a person known to the child. They are not strangers. They are family members, teachers, coaches, babysitters, religious instructors and others who are in a position of knowing, caring for and being an authority figure for your child.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3959645/

 

[poohandwendy]

While it's important to talk to kids about strangers the vast majority of predetors are people the child aready knows

Absolutely, the number of children who fall prey to 'stranger danger' PALES in comparison to those who are victimized by known, trusted people in their lives.

 

[aprilgail2]

My 4 year old daughter has been taking karate for a year now and they have done some self defense typoe things with them...like taking their fists and ramming them up into a strangers groin if they have to and if the person picks them up to take thir fingers and jam them in the persons eye etc....so hopefully she will pick up some things to help herself...other than that right now she oly goes to the next door neighbors house on her own (I watch from the door) and that is it...she starts school tomorrow but someone will be at the bus stop to bring her and pick her up so right now she is not on her own but I have told her about "bad people" and not to go with them or get in the car with them and if one stops in front of the house while she is on the front lawn and starts to get out or rolls down their car window to talk to her she should run into the house...

 

[Robinrs]

Predators know who to go after. They know not to try a child who will talk freely and have a strong sense of self.

When I was growing up I was the only child I knew who had NOT been molested... this is no joke. ALL of my friends, ALL of my family, had some kind of molestation incident in their lives. Most, in fact, all except ONE, was by a close friend or family member.

I grew up a very talkative, LOUD, child with a strong attachment to my Mom... I think this was my protection. It has also been my son's, he was ALMOST molested by a much older playmate but reported it immediately and put an end to a long string of molestations this "child" had committed...

I agree with the strong lines of communication. Talking to your children about trust and how it is earned is important, also. Let them know that you will believe them if they come to you. Knowing someone is in their corner is the cornerstone to a confident child.

 

[poohandwendy]

Great post Robinrs...important message!

I think people have a really hard time approaching the subject that someone your child knows and trusts could have bad motives. It is such an ugly subject. It is much easier talking about 'strangers'.

Unfortunately, when we don't empower our children to be confident and aware, we leave them more vulnerable to becoming targets.

We underestimate children when we think they will be damaged by talking about this sort of thing. It's like talking about fire safety. Of course we don't want them to be paranoid that the house will catch on fire, but would we avoid the talk and take the risk that they will be unprepared if they are faced with a hazardous situation? There really is no difference. Actually, the odds of being molested are much higher than encountering a house fire.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Aside from the discussions, self-defense is very important. In this house, that means karate. DD9 started it to cross-train for dance and gymnastics, and she loves it. She's really tiny, but the "bus bully" is afraid of her. He tried to pick on her friend...once! She didn't actually hurt him, but he steers clear.

I also think vigilant parenting is the way to go. Predators can spot an insecure child like a pig spots truffles. They can spot the weak, the unattended--think of a lion stalking a herd of wildebeest. And of course, you have to have discussions with kids about the dangers in the world, but I just have these as general discussions, when the circumstances arise--you know, like, what would you do...? And talk for a few minutes, then maybe talk again a couple weeks later.

 

[gina2000]

DisMN.....I am copying a post I made last May....after a visit to our school by Maureen Kanka....mother of Megan Kanka. Her words are wise and worth repeating.

Megan's Law Revisited
Last evening our PTO was honored with a visit by Maureen Kanka, mother of Megan Kanka, who was brutally raped and killed in a home occupied by 3 sex offenders across the street from where they lived. Megan's Law, which gives neighbors the right to know if a sex offender is living near them, is named after her daughter.

Maureen Kanka's speech was so earth shaking in so many ways. She lived in a development and thought she knew her neighbors. Her children were in and out of the homes on her block. Megan had gone across the street to visit her friend. She was enticed inside the next door neighbor's home with the promise of playing with a new puppy. She was dead within 15 minutes of entering that home.

Mrs. Kanka's message is simple yet hard. Talk to your children. Make them aware of their surroundings. Teach them not to enter ANYONE'S home without your knowledge. Not phoning from the neighbor's home....coming back home and telling your parents whose home you are about to enter. Once you are inside, it may be too late.

Maureen Kanka talked about mixed messages. Patting your child on his/her butt implies that it's okay to do it. But is it okay to let a stranger do it? DO NOT touch your child in any way that you would NOT want a stranger to touch them. Be affectionate....kiss...hug....but do not touch anywhere that could confuse a child if someone else does it.

TEACH your child and reinforce that teaching. In their neighborhood, Halloween children were invited inside homes to pick out treats. DO NOT ALLOW IT even if you "know" people. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Our neighborhood has never done anything like that...but obviously other neighborhoods do and have done it.

REINFORCE, REINFORCE, REINFORCE. Children understand the rules....and know them...and promptly forget them once they see a neighbor they think they "know". Charlie goes out every day and works in the yard as the kids play. He gives them candy. He is nice to them. Ninety nine percent of the times, Charlie is just fine. Make them understand that to enter someone's home gives them control. And teach your children NOT to accept candy from anyone. It's a form of bonding for children. (And this is a mixed signal also....how many of us hand out candy to children we know in the neighborhood?)

Use your sex registry so you know who lives near you. It's important. It will save lives.

Mrs. Kanka's latest push is to fingerprint and register volunteer coaches and referees in towns. Many towns have nothing in place. Others check via social security number. Fingerprinting via the FBI network is the only way to know for sure about a person's background.

As I read back on this, so much of it sounds harsh. Maureen was in no way a vigilante. She was calm, collected and occasionally teary. But her message was strong and unwavering.

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

Thanks for listening.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am a blunt person. So I tell them point blank. They appreciate being informed as they are like me.
Also we do have "the list" online and we do know where they live.
It does drive the point home that is for sure.

I have taught them the "break free" hold. It does work. Also we tell them a molestor could be someone you know like a teacher, friend, friends brother or sister, or a relative.

Older dd had the music teacher at here old school convicted of child molestation. I knew he was one I could "feel it". It wasn't pretty.

I was around tons of predators as a child. One of them was our local policeman. We called him "perverted pig" to HIS FACE.

All in all your instincts are the best radar.

 

[eeyore kelly]

You inform them that bad people are out there and closer than you think. You tell them what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. You not only tell them you can come to me with anything, you show them it is true, by the little things, looking them in the eye when they talk, stopping what you are doing, creating times for sharing. In our house we tuck both of the kids in and spend a few minutes with them. You also give them defensive movements such as screaming, running away, and have them practice it. Also be sure to tell them that strangers and bad people are not ugly. Not all bad people have warts, and look like a villian. You would be surprised how many kids would go up to a nice looking person with a soft friendly voice. Always warn them that bad people can be friend's parents, relatives, etc. Arm the children in your life with the knowledge that can save them. Also, tell your children over and over, nothing you could do would make me send you away, i love you too much for that, even when I am angry or dissapointed. You would be surprised how many kids are taken because someone says Your mom and dad are mad and want me to babysit you for a few days.

 

[elismom]

to 1987 My DS then 8 at the time was what I thought was one of the most street smart kids, we had did the whole Stranger Danger thing from the 80's . She was loud mouthed(no nicer way to say it) very strong willed and smart.
Well I go outside to call her in (they were playing in front of the house) and her friend tells me, oh your DS and her other friend just got into a Black van with a young man & women and drove away.
I felt like I was going to die right on the spot ,then the other child starts telling me the story of how my DS and her friend saw a boy throw a rock at the van and then run off. Then my DS and Her friend offer to take the young couple to the house where the boy lives so they can tell his parents.They myDS and friend hop in the van and drive off!
I knew who the boy was and he lived on the next street I ran with all my might praying along the way that everything was alright ,the van was there and the story checked out.
I let this couple know what a bad move they had made ,they should have come to my house first to talk to me and we could have all WALKED down to show them were this boy lived!
And well my DS no matter what I said to her I could not convince her that what she did was WRONG, WRONG ,WRONG.
She keep telling me ,But mom they were so nice I know they won,t hurt kids.
Thats when I relized the sad truth that kids are still just kids, and think like kids!
And most adults are still smarter!

 

[elismom]

what to tell your child and when, I work in the childcare field and I see so many parents that have said to much to soon!
I was taking care of a 3 year old girl when out of nowhere and for no reason any one could figuire out she starts peeing her pants everyday.
Finally one day I go to run her up to the bathroom and she just loses it and starts screaming about how there were strangers in bathrooms that would hurt her and try and steal her away from her mommy,
Her mom had said this to her, you know the whole "stranger danger thing"
When I pointed out the fact that she was only 3 and it would still be along time before she would be using a puplic bathroom alone that this was something she really should not has said.
It took a long time for this little girl to get over this ,she became very fearful for a long time.

 

[jenfur]

Go with your gut feelings always! You cannot count on your child to protect themselves. Protecting the Gift is the BEST book I have EVER read on this subject- I bought it used from amazon, but after reading it, its worth cover price and more.

A few years ago, my DD broke her arm, she was 6. One of the EMS workers said that he was sooo concerned about her that he wanted to check up on her after she got home- that was fine, he did come by a few hours after she got home. We stood at the door and talked for a minute, she said she was okay now, but he didn't to want to leave, but I wasn't comfortable with him. He soon left and I felt better, it was over and we wouldn't see him again.

Well, the next week he comes by and wants to see how she is doing. I don't like it , we talk to him on the porch and I assure him that she is great, soing fine and he leaves.

A week later he comes back with his daughter, I am angry! His DD is much older than my DD- so not someone she would be friends with and she seemed to have a bad attitude about being there. He was talking about things that were way too intimate for polite strangers to be talking about- his wife's surgery and details about their life. He left and I finally told DH how uncomfortable I was with the whole thing. I mean, DD just had a broken arm and he just drove her to the hospital because I panicked, it was not Rescue 911/ friends for life material. DH was livid and asked if I wanted him to talk to him the next time he came by- I said no, I might just being too paranoid, it would be rude.

Then, soon after I came upstairs and found that my MIL had let my DD go outside and speak to the guy alone, no one had told me he was even there! I went outside and he was showing DD his truck with a red steering wheel, I could have cried! I quickly got DD in the house and he yelled "Maybe next time we can go for a ride". I told DH and I don't know what was said or done, but he has never spoke with us again.

I know in my heart he had bad intentions for my daughter. He was insinuating himself into our lives without being invited, he was trying to become familiar and even preparing her to go for a ride with him without even mentioning it to me. Because I doubted myself and didn't want to be rude, ANYTHING could have happened to my DD and I just thank God to this day that it didn't. If there is any question in your heart or mind that says something may not be right- go with it. Would you rather be rude and have your child safe or nice and let who knows what happen? I won't be too nice about anything from now on!