How do you please someone that can't be pleased

[cijay]

Love is unconditional.

Until you tell a narrow minded parent that you're gay. You may see that phrase is just a lot of jaw movement and happy little pictures on facebook.

It is not about how big or small you are. It is what is inside that counts. If something is said to you , you can sit down when your alone with him and let him know how things have hurt you.

In 53 years, people told me so many times to do this. Some people just can't be reached. They made their mind up long ago, there's something about themselves that made them very unhappy and they don't want to see anyone else happy either so they try to take matters into their own hands and make everyone miserable instead.

No it's a place I have never been for a family reunion

Then, you decide how you're going to respond. You already know what he's going to do so you decide if you're going to stand for it, get a hotel and stay away from him or cancel your plans and stay away entirely.

And you don't miss them?

Yes - very much - for about 7 years until I decided I'm not going to let him hold the rest of my family hostage from me.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I did read all responses and I don't know how to respond

Other then to say I am sorry to all of you who have dads that treat you that way

 

[Bilberry]

I'm sorry to read about the trouble you are having with your father. Diabetes is tough enough to deal with, let alone with a father that makes snide remarks. I did something a number of years ago that unintentionally brightened the mood of my family. Possibly it could help with your situation. As with all families, my family could have it's unpleasant moments, with the occasionally uncalled for snide remarks being made and in general we had our moods. I began sharing health articles with the family about taking a few basic supplements such as vitamin D3, fish oil, magnesium, etc along with avoiding or limiting carb rich foods. Only one member followed the diet advice and began eating as I do, but all began taking the supplements. As mentioned it wasn't intentional, but I noticed everyone became more upbeat. It wasn't a cure all, some depressive remakes can come out, but it wasn't as it was before. Everyone seems a little more easier going.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm sorry to read about the trouble you are having with your father. Diabetes is tough enough to deal with, let alone with a father that makes snide remarks. I did something a number of years ago that unintentionally brightened the mood of my family. Possibly it could help with your situation. As with all families, my family could have it's unpleasant moments, with the occasionally uncalled for snide remarks being made and in general we had our moods. I began sharing health articles with the family about taking a few basic supplements such as vitamin D3, fish oil, magnesium, etc along with avoiding or limiting carb rich foods. Only one member followed the diet advice and began eating as I do, but all began taking the supplements. As mentioned it wasn't intentional, but I noticed everyone became more upbeat. It wasn't a cure all, some depressive remakes can come out, but it wasn't as it was before. Everyone seems a little more easier going.

OMG I need to edit my original post thank you for bringing that to my attiotion I don't have it yet, that comment from him was him saying that I am so over weight I well get it

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dad made a comment about MY weight yesterday. I have gained 10lbs.

I just told him I am working on it and then changed the subject.

Worrying about WHAT he is going to say is anxiety building. So tell yourself you will be fine, respond with dignity, and move on.

Just because he brings up this topic does not mean you have to discuss it.

 

[phorsenuf]

My dad made a comment about MY weight yesterday. I have gained 10lbs.

I just told him I am working on it and then changed the subject.

Worrying about WHAT he is going to say is anxiety building. So tell yourself you will be fine, respond with dignity, and move on.

Just because he brings up this topic does not mean you have to discuss it.

Exactly. Obsessing over something that may not even happen is just going to cause you more issues. Stop thinking about it and just live your life, not a life you think others want out of you.

 

[TLSnell1981]

In fairness to my dad yes impossible to please but he has not seen me in about 8 months so pure anxiety about being made fun of in fort of other family members

If he does this, ask him, WHY he feels the need to hurt and embarrass you. Ridicule is a form of abuse. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Life to short for negative people.

 

[phamton]

Ask him why he passed down the genes to you that make it more likely for you to develop diabetes. LOL. My dad and his whole family are naturally stick thin. He is 6 ft. 3 inches and probably weighed 150- 160 lbs, when he developed diabetes at age 40. He is now 93 years old and is still thin. His whole family was tall and thin and almost all of them developed diabetes. His two sisters and father also had diabetes and all lived until their late 80's or 90's. Not a fat one in the group. It just runs in the family. My mother's family are all apple shaped and over-weight and not a one of them developed diabetes. Sure weight can play a role in the disease but genes play a larger role so just lay the blame on him.

 

[Sadie22]

Yes, as phanton says genetics play a big role in who gets type 2 and who does not. There are plenty of overweight people who do not have diabetes and plenty of thin, physically fit people who do. Stress, exercise, eating habits are part of it but no one thing causes diabetes. Since doctors do not completely understand what causes diabetes, your dad cannot know.

Ignore comments from your dad about weight. Change the subject.

Have a great time at the family reunion!

 

[Wishing on a star]

This is one of the best posts here...

As hard as it is, the trick is to stop trying to please him. People who can't be pleased are that way because of their own problems, not anything you did, or didn't do. Continuing to try to please him is just setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt.

You just be the best 'you' that you can, and know that that's enough. Happy Thanksgiving, Tink, hope you and your family had a good day.

Tink... it is very sad and hurtful, but true, that there are those who can simply NOT be pleased... and will be hurtful to others... Especially sometimes the one they love.
I do not know if it is possible for you, but the best thing for you do, without a doubt, is to accept that your dad is the way he is, and to simply not pay attention to those types of hurtful and negative comments.

If you keep desiring and trying to please your dad, and hope for some acceptance and self-esteem from him.
That is just not going to happen.

Keep very realistic expectations, and this will keep the hurt and the disappointment to a minimum for you.

HUGS!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Hey, Tink. I'm glad that you recognize how far along you have come. Sometimes the ones we love are dealing with their own issues, and haven't come to terms with them, so they use us to make themselves feel better. I don't think it's malicious, but it hurts just the same. They just don't know how to fix themselves so that they can have better relationships with us. So, we have to realize that, and kind of toughen up in that respect.

I had a great relationship with my dad, but he would say things once in awhile that would hurt my feelings and make me cry. I asked him one time why he did that, and he said it was funny. Now, most people not knowing our relationship would have told me that that was a horrible thing for him to admit, what a jerk, etc., however, I realized that there was something lacking in him and maybe his own youth where he thought he needed that power. The day he admitted it to me was the day he lost the power to make me cry or hurt my feelings. I wish I had the maturity at that time to talk to him about it and help him come to terms with himself, but yea for me. It made me stronger, and also more sensitive to things I will never say to my own kids to make them feel like that.

 

[PigletsPal2]

I'm sorry that you're so anxious about seeing your dad again. But as my mother used to say, "Don't holler before you're hurt." You may be anticipating a different reaction from the one you'll receive. Your dad may be so surprised and pleased with your progress that his comments are all positive.

At any rate, you know how well you've done and that you're still progressing You have much to be proud of; don't let one person take that away from you.

Queen Colleen

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm sorry that you're so anxious about seeing your dad again. But as my mother used to say, "Don't holler before you're hurt." You may be anticipating a different reaction from the one you'll receive. Your dad may be so surprised and pleased with your progress that his comments are all positive.

At any rate, you know how well you've done and that you're still progressing You have much to be proud of; don't let one person take that away from you.

Queen Colleen

I hope your right I hope I am Plesently surprised

 

[tomatecerise]

Sorry i don't understand what you said, My Brain is only fonctionnal when i have compliments...

I had a wonderful father until My 6 years (he passed away from heart attack) and a super mom until My 41 years (she passed away from heart attack, In My Arms). I am lucky to have My Sister.

 

[phorsenuf]

Saw this today and it made me think of you. Very wise words.

 

[bumbershoot]

That's just not true.

Depends on your experience in this world, doesn't it?

Any father that makes it his life's work to put down his own child, isn't worth pleasing

True.

In fairness to my dad yes impossible to please but he has not seen me in about 8 months so pure anxiety about being made fun of in fort of other family members

An impossible to please person who will make fun of his own daughter (who does not like the teasing) in front of family can really have nothing "fair" said about him.

and other times I fear him so much I don't sleep because I remover the criticism

Wow, Tink. That's really strong. Why are you still seeing him? If he were anyone else would you still feel any sort of "love" for him?

And you don't miss them?

It's basically been 5 years since I saw my dad, and I've only spoken to him a handful of times. I flat out ignore his calls. I just don't have the energy to put up the walls against him if I speak to him.

There is *missing the father you wish you had*, and there is missing *the person he is*. And I do NOT miss the person he IS. I don't miss the person he almost always was, either. When I was a child I loved him for what I thought he was, and out of desperation for A father. When I was 40 the blinders came off, seeing how he treated me and my son (his ONLY grandchild), and it was just done. He wants to blame my distance on my (late) mother, he wants to blame it on me...but it's all on him and how he has treated me my whole life. Also how he treated my full brother and the chaos he raised his second family in.

I get that you would be scared to miss him, but when I miss what I thought I had or what I wished I had, I realize that there is no such person.

I mourn not having a normal family, but not MY family.

YES.

Your dad may be so surprised and pleased with your progress that his comments are all positive.

It's that sort of thinking that kept me in my father's life for 40 years, constantly being disappointed and heartbroken.

That's a normal thought for a normal family; does having a daughter who doesn't sleep at night out of fear of what her father says make you think she's from a normal family?



Tink, I think I'm understanding the travel anxiety a bit more, and why your dad has been so difficult to get info from. I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this. I hope things go well.

 

[ez]

I recently ready the mayo clinics guide to stress free living. it points out that there are some people in life that you will never be able to please and that trying to please them will come to the detriment of everything else. it uses the example of popped popcorn. You pop a bag of popcorn and it all pops nicely except for two kernels. In order to cook those further to pop, you will burn the others. It basically suggests that when dealing with these people, just put on your mental body armor but dont worry too much about trying to please them. My husbands dad was like this too. I'm probably not doing that book justice at all but its a really good read. Good luck!!

 

[tzolkin]

OP, you're probably there right now, so I don't know if you'll be checking the recent responses.

I hope that you are able to stand up for yourself. Just being blunt and telling him directly that he's being rude and hurting your feelings. You don't have to go into depth or argue with him over it. Just say something.

I don't know if you've ever confronted him before. You could be giving him the benefit of doubt that perhaps he just thought he was being funny/helpful/etc and genuinely didn't know he was hurting you, but once you make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable you can see what his response is. I hope that it will be a positive one where he feels remorse and is willing to change, but that's unfortunately not likely.

If things don't work out, you may want to consider ending (or at least drastically limiting) your interactions with him. You expressed earlier that you would miss him (and that is totally valid), but you would have to weigh for yourself what's more harmful to you-- missing him or enduring the stress and painful encounters. My DH had a talk with his mother two years ago that has resulted in us not seeing her anymore (DH talks to her on the phone every few months, but we used to see her 3-4 times per year and talk on the phone often). In this situation, DH and I had been willing to deal with her issues for years, but were not willing to allow our children to receive the same mental abuse DH had experienced his entire life. Of course DH misses his family, of course we feel bad that she's alone and that our children can't have a relationship with their grandmother, but those feelings pale in comparison to the negatives having her in our lives was causing.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I just arrived last night and my dad has not said anything bad but the weekend is still young