How do you not take it personally when people are flaky?

[Disney Doll]

I'd stop making plans with someone who consistently did that to me.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'd stop making plans with someone who consistently did that to me.

Same here. I understand that stuff happens and if your late once in a while, no big deal. But consistently? No way. That's just rude.

 

[lisaviolet]

I'd stop making plans with someone who consistently did that to me.

Same here. I understand that stuff happens and if your late once in a while, no big deal. But consistently? No way. That's just rude.

 

[believenfaith]

I adopted a new approach several years ago and it is simple:

I will choose to participate I the lives of others to the degree they choose to participate in mine.

My choice, their choice...no hard feelings.

 

[MIGrandma]

I think people have "good intentions" but some have a hard time following through with them.

My Mom is kind of like you, gets quite upset when people don't follow through with what they said.

One time in particular comes to mind, my Mom and my best friend were both staying with me at our place up north. We had made plans for the afternoon to go to a big craft store in Houghton Lake. Well, DH took the day off and came up so I told Mom we would go to the craft store the next day instead since Mom and friend were staying overnight. She got all bent out of shape and upset about it. I didn't really understand why, as it wasn't like I was not going to take her to the craft store at all, just wanted to postpone it for one day.

I have learned not to make plans ahead of time with her as she wants you to hold to your plans like they are engraved in stone and can't be changed.

And from her I have learned to be more flexible and forgiving with people. My best friend said she was going to have DH and I over for supper last year after I planned our cruise, as a "thank you." She never did that, but I don't hold it against her. She "meant well" and while I have no idea why she didn't follow through with the plan, I didn't get all upset over it.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and cut them some slack. Now if a friend changed plans every time, I might ask her about it, but generally I just let it go.

 

[pioneer89]

Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you.
....
Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

You're not alone. If someone makes plans with you, and then blows you off, it is personal. How much 'personal' depends on the nature of what happened. If little Joey breaks his arm and is being rushed to the hospital, perfectly understandable. If Mommy forgot that Joey's archery practice got moved up 2 hours, that is not so understandable.

My Internet degree in Psychology says people who do this a lot are Narcissistic.

Not letting someone know right away is pretty much a deal-breaker for me. Sure, things happen, but unless one of you is a card-carrying-Luddite, there is no excuse for leaving someone hanging.



My own worst time with this was my first year as a parent in Cub Scouts. We ran a fund-raising booth at a local festival. The guy tasked with setting up was complaining about all the work involved, so I volunteered to take a day off and be there at 8:00 am to do my part.

At 8:30, I call the guy asking where he was, and around 9:00 he calls back, acting all surprised that I showed up on time. This is the same guy who would arrange for the Pack to meet at 9:00 for travel to an activity and show up at 9:30 "Because no one ever shows up on time, and I don't want to waste my time waiting" (Note he says this straight faced to every other parent who had been waiting for his family for 30 minutes; no one else was late.) He never had an apology, worse, he would act like people should know what his plans were, and 'just work around' him.

This person and his family were so bad that when my son went over to Boy Scouts, I told him to pick any other Troop except for the one this family was in.

 

[Pooh2]

I have a friend who cancels on me about 50% of the time. We've been friends for 28 years. I know she ditches me sometimes for a better offer or sometimes a family matter but I still value her friendship because despite this habit she is a nice lady and is fun to be around. But I keep a back up plan on hand in case she bails. Not worth getting all wound up about at this point in our lives.

If someone cancels on you, go ahead with your plans or make new ones!

 

[Granny square]

It still isn't personal when it is habitual. It is a negative character trait. You can decide if is a deal breaker or not.

People who flake, flake because of their own stuff. Disorganization, the inability to say "no" to others, depression, etc. nothing to do with you.

Even the opportunist isn't basing their choice on you but about what they want or need from a relationship.

Narcissistic?

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
Have excessive feelings of self-importance
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Need constant attention and admiration
Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
Have obsessive self-interest
Pursue mainly selfish goals

Not many people are narcissistic. People are however selfish and self centered. Even the idea that "you are a better person and that you were raised by better parents" is a bit self gratifying...

 

[pioneer89]

It still isn't personal when it is habitual. It is a negative character trait. You can decide if is a deal breaker or not.

People who flake, flake because of their own stuff. Disorganization, the inability to say "no" to others, depression, etc. nothing to do with you.

If someone is blowing me off because they simply forgot, then I can deal with that. I'll confirm and reconfirm plans.

If I get blown off for whatever non-emergency reason, and the other person knew I was expecting them, then that person is making a decision that my time, effort, feelings, don't matter. It's personal. Just because the person doing this to me says "Oh, nothing personal" doesn't make it so.

• Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Have excessive feelings of self-importance
• Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
• Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
• Have obsessive self-interest

I've no idea if some personality disorders can have "degrees" from mild to severe. But if they can, people who habitually blow off other people are mildly narcissistic IMHO.

 

[Granny square]

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
Have excessive feelings of self-importance
Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
Have obsessive self-interest

If "Jane" cancels lunch at the last minute because she doesn't feel well, the kids are being monsters, her sister broke up with her boyfriend or her boss says she needs to complete project "x" I don't see that as any of the above.

You've probably not met more than one or two narcissistic people in your life.

I diagnose people for a living and the internet p-sycholigists make me nuts.

 

[pioneer89]

If "Jane" cancels lunch at the last minute because she doesn't feel well, the kids are being monsters, her sister broke up with her boyfriend or her boss says she needs to complete project "x" I don't see that as any of the above.

You've probably not met more than one or two narcissistic people in your life.

I diagnose people for a living and the internet p-sycholigists make me nuts.

I hope "nuts" is not your professional self-diagnosis

Anyway, you've convinced me and changed my mind, so I'll acquiesce. No more talk of NPD from me.


But now that I know you're a professional, I have to go back and ask about this comment:

People who flake, flake because of their own stuff. Disorganization, the inability to say "no" to others, depression, etc. nothing to do with you.

I'm trying to understand this, because as you saw, I was willing to chalk this up to a pretty nasty personality disorder. When I try to put myself in the other persons shoes, I can't seem to justify repeated behavior like this with anything that makes sense to me. I get that it's not about me, but I don't get how people can do this more than a couple times before they wake up and say "Whoa, I'm treating other people pretty badly, I should cut it out."

 

[2disneyboys]

I totally "get" this. I have either eliminated association with these types of people , or just greatly limited my exposure to them. The way I see it, if I can manage my household, Take care of 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a rabbit (and elderly relatives), Work Full Time, be involved in my Church and manage my kids various activities and still manage to keep 95% (or more) of the commitments I make, then really, just about anyone can. I of course take into consideration the occassional, something came up and have no problems with that (thus my 95% ratio vs 100%) but once it becomes habitual, then the message you are sending to me is you do not VALUE me or my time. The "new" me feels I am willing to invest as much of myself into our realtionship, as you are.

By the way, I count being more than 30 minutes late on a regular basis in the same category as "flaking" on me. Yea.. I'm a toughie.. I "expect" people to keep thier committments, at least the majority of the time.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I don't take it personally unless it constantly happens with the same person over and over again.

Then I just don't make plans with the person anymore. When I worked full time, I had a friend who worked nearby and we would occasionally make plans to meet for lunch at a nearby restaurant.

After the 3rd time of her not showing up, I quit making plans with her. Problem solved.