How do you learn to forgive?

[Wednesday's Child]

My life has been full of major drama lately and last night just about sent me over the edge. I desperately need advice on how to handle the situation that I am in and I don't want to talk to anyone around me right now about this (besides my dh who is being very supportive). First, let me start by saying I am not a first time poster but this is my first time posting under this name. I apologize in advance if this is really long.

To give you a little background, my parents have had a terrible marrriage for as long as I can remember. They have never respected each other and their relationship has been a lot worse than ever over the last year or so. My mother is constantly yelling at my father and treats him like a dog. My father just acts depressed and doesn't usually say anything back to her. He used to have a terrible temper when I was a child, but after he retired several years ago he mellowed out completely. My sister and I have maintained a very strained relationship with our mother for a long time, however to give her credit my mother is an excellent grandmother and both of our parents are very involved in their grandchildren's lives.

As my parents relationship has bottomed out, my mother has become very active in her church (dad doesn't attend) to the point that she goes about every other day for one thing or another. Over the last several months, my sister and I have become suspicious of mom's relationship with a married man who is also very active in the church. There have been several indications that they were developing an inappropriate relationship and last night I had them confirmed when I discovered my mother and this man meeting up in a dark, deserted parking lot after choir practice. (I was on my way home and happened to see my mother turn into the parking lot which I thought was really strange, so I ended up turning around and found them).

After confronting my mother (her "friend" was hiding in the car so I couldn't see him) I left and called my father on the phone and told him where she was. His reaction was "I'm not suprised" and he did not sound very upset (he has expressed his suspicions that something was going on several times lately). Mom eventually showed up at my house to to talk and insisted that he is just a "friend that she can talk to" and they were talking about choir music. I'm not an idiot, and I know that if they were just talking, they could have stayed at church to have a conversation about choir music. She denied, denied, denied, but then starting promising me that she would never talk to him again and would even change churches if I would forgive her.

It's bad enough that my mother is doing this to my father. But the worst thing to me about this situation is 1) that she is using the church as an excuse to see her "friend" and 2) Her "friend" is married and my mother is supposedly friends with his wife. The hypocrisy of this situation is making me sick.

To top it all off, my sister is extremely sick right now and has been spending a lot of time in the hospital. I know that she has her suspicions, but I can't tell her anything about what is going on because she doesn't not need any added stress to her life right now. She already has really hard feelings towards my mother and if she finds out for sure this is going on, I don't think she would ever speak to my mother again.

I am hurt and extremely angry. I really don't want to see or talk to my mother again, but I will have to because of my kids (I would never take that relationship away from them). My first thought was to call the preacher and tell him what is going on (although from something my mother said I think he may already know). My second was to call the "friend's" wife. I don't know what to do or think or how to handle this anger that I feel right now. Between my sister's illness and my mother's infidelity I am so stressed out right now I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces.

 

[Minnie824]

It sounds like a tough situation, but you told your dad, talked to your mom, I don't think there's much else you should do. It's their relationship, they're adults and not really up to you how they choose to proceed with their marriage. It sounds like you should be there for both of them as a daughter but kindof stay out of their marriage.

 

[SC Minnie]

BTDT bough the tshirt.

My father was the one with the infidelity issues and finally my mother couldn't take it anymore and they divorced. I have forgiven my father in a way (haven't forgotten) because I love him and he's my dad. My parents have both since married other people and my mother is so much happier now. (she had told me she looks back and wonders why she fought so long to keep him LOL) Dad's wife suspects he is still talking to one women. I have told her it wouldn't surprise me and she needs to keep an eye on him.

Forgiveness isn't going to happen overnight. But at some point you have to make peace with yourself. You can't allow what she is doing to affect your personal life.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

The process of learning to forgive others is a long and complicated one. I am struggling with the same thing currently. Something I have discovered is that I seem to become more angry and less likely to forgive someone I know close to me who does something TO SOMEONE ELSE. It is more easy for me to forgive someone who wrongs me. I'm not sure why that is.

I also struggle with the difference between forgiveness and acceptance. What your mother is doing is wrong, and it is OK to think it is wrong, but you should still love her. I think that is what you have to focus on.

I would also try to focus on your father, and being there for him. And definitely your sister. I would also avoid telling her about what is going on until she feels better, or until it comes to a point where it just can't be hidden from her anymore.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My life has been full of major drama lately and last night just about sent me over the edge. I desperately need advice on how to handle the situation that I am in and I don't want to talk to anyone around me right now about this (besides my dh who is being very supportive). First, let me start by saying I am not a first time poster but this is my first time posting under this name. I apologize in advance if this is really long.

To give you a little background, my parents have had a terrible marrriage for as long as I can remember. They have never respected each other and their relationship has been a lot worse than ever over the last year or so. My mother is constantly yelling at my father and treats him like a dog. My father just acts depressed and doesn't usually say anything back to her. He used to have a terrible temper when I was a child, but after he retired several years ago he mellowed out completely. My sister and I have maintained a very strained relationship with our mother for a long time, however to give her credit my mother is an excellent grandmother and both of our parents are very involved in their grandchildren's lives.

As my parents relationship has bottomed out, my mother has become very active in her church (dad doesn't attend) to the point that she goes about every other day for one thing or another. Over the last several months, my sister and I have become suspicious of mom's relationship with a married man who is also very active in the church. There have been several indications that they were developing an inappropriate relationship and last night I had them confirmed when I discovered my mother and this man meeting up in a dark, deserted parking lot after choir practice. (I was on my way home and happened to see my mother turn into the parking lot which I thought was really strange, so I ended up turning around and found them).

After confronting my mother (her "friend" was hiding in the car so I couldn't see him) I left and called my father on the phone and told him where she was. His reaction was "I'm not suprised" and he did not sound very upset (he has expressed his suspicions that something was going on several times lately). Mom eventually showed up at my house to to talk and insisted that he is just a "friend that she can talk to" and they were talking about choir music. I'm not an idiot, and I know that if they were just talking, they could have stayed at church to have a conversation about choir music. She denied, denied, denied, but then starting promising me that she would never talk to him again and would even change churches if I would forgive her.

It's bad enough that my mother is doing this to my father. But the worst thing to me about this situation is 1) that she is using the church as an excuse to see her "friend" and 2) Her "friend" is married and my mother is supposedly friends with his wife. The hypocrisy of this situation is making me sick.

To top it all off, my sister is extremely sick right now and has been spending a lot of time in the hospital. I know that she has her suspicions, but I can't tell her anything about what is going on because she doesn't not need any added stress to her life right now. She already has really hard feelings towards my mother and if she finds out for sure this is going on, I don't think she would ever speak to my mother again.

I am hurt and extremely angry. I really don't want to see or talk to my mother again, but I will have to because of my kids (I would never take that relationship away from them). My first thought was to call the preacher and tell him what is going on (although from something my mother said I think he may already know). My second was to call the "friend's" wife. I don't know what to do or think or how to handle this anger that I feel right now. Between my sister's illness and my mother's infidelity I am so stressed out right now I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces.

OK. First off you need to begin to MYOB. Your parents relationship is not something that you should be getting involved with.

In other words you are creating your own drama. Stop it.

Secondly if your mother is "treating your father like a dog", I would not let my children around chaos like that. The fact she is your mother makes no difference to me. I don't allow my children around mentally unstable people unless they are under my watchful eye.

So considering the stuff going on in your parents life, it is time to protect your children from their crap.

So, let your parents be who they are and stay away from them until they can get their act together.

Then focus on your sister.

As far as forgiveness I don't buy into that mumbo jumbo. I deal in the reality of the now. If someone is acting nutty, then you get treated like a nut. I go by behavior and not words.

 

[SaraJayne]

My life has been full of major drama lately and last night just about sent me over the edge. I desperately need advice on how to handle the situation that I am in and I don't want to talk to anyone around me right now about this (besides my dh who is being very supportive). First, let me start by saying I am not a first time poster but this is my first time posting under this name. I apologize in advance if this is really long.

To give you a little background, my parents have had a terrible marrriage for as long as I can remember. They have never respected each other and their relationship has been a lot worse than ever over the last year or so. My mother is constantly yelling at my father and treats him like a dog. My father just acts depressed and doesn't usually say anything back to her. He used to have a terrible temper when I was a child, but after he retired several years ago he mellowed out completely. My sister and I have maintained a very strained relationship with our mother for a long time, however to give her credit my mother is an excellent grandmother and both of our parents are very involved in their grandchildren's lives.

As my parents relationship has bottomed out, my mother has become very active in her church (dad doesn't attend) to the point that she goes about every other day for one thing or another. Over the last several months, my sister and I have become suspicious of mom's relationship with a married man who is also very active in the church. There have been several indications that they were developing an inappropriate relationship and last night I had them confirmed when I discovered my mother and this man meeting up in a dark, deserted parking lot after choir practice. (I was on my way home and happened to see my mother turn into the parking lot which I thought was really strange, so I ended up turning around and found them).

After confronting my mother (her "friend" was hiding in the car so I couldn't see him) I left and called my father on the phone and told him where she was. His reaction was "I'm not suprised" and he did not sound very upset (he has expressed his suspicions that something was going on several times lately). Mom eventually showed up at my house to to talk and insisted that he is just a "friend that she can talk to" and they were talking about choir music. I'm not an idiot, and I know that if they were just talking, they could have stayed at church to have a conversation about choir music. She denied, denied, denied, but then starting promising me that she would never talk to him again and would even change churches if I would forgive her.

It's bad enough that my mother is doing this to my father. But the worst thing to me about this situation is 1) that she is using the church as an excuse to see her "friend" and 2) Her "friend" is married and my mother is supposedly friends with his wife. The hypocrisy of this situation is making me sick.

To top it all off, my sister is extremely sick right now and has been spending a lot of time in the hospital. I know that she has her suspicions, but I can't tell her anything about what is going on because she doesn't not need any added stress to her life right now. She already has really hard feelings towards my mother and if she finds out for sure this is going on, I don't think she would ever speak to my mother again.

I am hurt and extremely angry. I really don't want to see or talk to my mother again, but I will have to because of my kids (I would never take that relationship away from them). My first thought was to call the preacher and tell him what is going on (although from something my mother said I think he may already know). My second was to call the "friend's" wife. I don't know what to do or think or how to handle this anger that I feel right now. Between my sister's illness and my mother's infidelity I am so stressed out right now I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces.

You need to stay out of it. They are adults and can handle it on their own.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

OK. First off you need to begin to MYOB. Your parents relationship is not something that you should be getting involved with.

I completely disagree. It's her PARENTS. That makes it her business.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I completely disagree. It's her PARENTS. That makes it her business.

Well, you can do that but the only thing you are doing is making yourself crazy and drawing into their drama, which THEY are creating themselves.

Been there, done that. Believe me, MYOB is way better in the long haul. It is called freeing yourself from the tyranny of crazy parents.

You DO NOT have to live that way. If mom and dad want to live in crazytown, that is fine however you are an adult and can choose not to.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In fact, as the oldest child I have realized that I was a "buffer" for my parents crazy behavior.

Getting yourself out of the middle is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

Once you are out of the middle, they are forced to deal with their issues themselves.

 

[ols386]

As you stated, you already told your father about the situation you found your mother in, with the other man. I'm not sure that I would have even done that, if I were in your shoes, but I guess we all handle things differently.

I don't think at this point, there is really anything else you can do. It's between your mom and dad. They will deal with it however they choose, and it's not up to you.

 

[GeorgeG]

You don't always have to forgive, but keep your headlights pointed towards the future and try not to get mired down in the past. Change what you can and work around what you can't change. You can let your parents (individually) know how you feel. The rest is up to them, if they choose to change it.

 

[Holly]

OK. First off you need to begin to MYOB. Your parents relationship is not something that you should be getting involved with.

In other words you are creating your own drama. Stop it.

Secondly if your mother is "treating your father like a dog", I would not let my children around chaos like that. The fact she is your mother makes no difference to me. I don't allow my children around mentally unstable people unless they are under my watchful eye.

So considering the stuff going on in your parents life, it is time to protect your children from their crap.

So, let your parents be who they are and stay away from them until they can get their act together.

Then focus on your sister.

As far as forgiveness I don't buy into that mumbo jumbo. I deal in the reality of the now. If someone is acting nutty, then you get treated like a nut. I go by behavior and not words.

Some wise advice right here.

 

[eliza61]

one of my favorite poems. Prayer by St. Francis of Asisi.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

First, you need to accept that your mother's actions are her own. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM!! not yelling at you, simply emphasizing that point. Take it from a gal who had to learn this the hard way from family members. You can beg, plead, get mad until the cows come home but until your mother decides to change or your father decides to change, there is nothing you can do.

You can change your reaction to your situation. like Mystery machine pointed out, you are letting your mother's drama, create drama in your own life. I try to live by my tag. I am responsible for my familys happiness (and even that's to a point), I have stop letting my siblings run me to the looney farm.

I recently posted about my older brother who decided to up and leave his wife and kids after 20 years of marriage.

I gotta tell you, there is some thing liberating when you say, "Dear XXX I love you but I don't condone your behaviour and I'm not getting involved in your delusions".

I know it's hard we grow up with preconcieved notions of how parents should be, how children should be and it's difficult when you realize the people you love might not be such great individuals after all.

 

[kellyg403]

OP...sounds like you need one today!

I am with Mystery Machine on this one, you have spoken with both your mom and dad, stay out of the rest and worry only about your part of the relationship with your parents. It will save you much heartache to let them be adults and figure out what they need to do themselves. Calling the other wife or the Preacher really does nothing more than drag the drama out more, your mom and OM need to face the honesty and reality of their situation. While what your mom is doing is at best dishonest it is HER ball to carry. You have spoken to the appropriate person, dad, and now the ball is in his court from now on. Whether or not this spells the end of their marriage or not, well honestly, it is their marriage and you are the daughter. They will still be your parents and you will still have both of them in your life, keep the marriage stuff out of your parent/child relationship.

I can only imagine the anger. And honestly, as Mystery said, until things are resolved and steps taken to get past it, the reality of the here and now is you are super duper angry. Its probably the best to say right now I just need some space. No accusations, no drama..just stop, assimilate what has happened and make decisions on your relationship with your mom or dad or both. For the kids sake, well..I would probably have them visit mom and dad at your house or under my watchful eye, only because these things tend to get ugly and I wouldn't want the kids to hear stories about either grandparent. So, a break isn't a bad thing..just kinda clears the air and gets you to a new starting point.

Honestly, in the end I really believe that if you and your sister, dad and the preacher all had a feeling this was going on, so does the other wife. And it is such a hurtful thing. You saw them talking and did not really see anything so there are assumptions. Yes, where there is smoke there is fire. But maybe just maybe, you found out just in time before anything more than emotional was occurring. Until there is a confession or a see it with your own eyes I would not call the other wife. She already has a feeling something isn't right I am sure.

Good Luck, this is a really tough situation. I am sorry for you and your family. But remember, your parents marriage is a whole different relationship that parent/child.

Kelly

 

[Michelle and crew]

Really well said.

The process of learning to forgive others is a long and complicated one. I am struggling with the same thing currently. Something I have discovered is that I seem to become more angry and less likely to forgive someone I know close to me who does something TO SOMEONE ELSE. It is more easy for me to forgive someone who wrongs me. I'm not sure why that is.

I also struggle with the difference between forgiveness and acceptance. What your mother is doing is wrong, and it is OK to think it is wrong, but you should still love her. I think that is what you have to focus on.

I would also try to focus on your father, and being there for him. And definitely your sister. I would also avoid telling her about what is going on until she feels better, or until it comes to a point where it just can't be hidden from her anymore.

 

[shortbun]

I think you need to step out of it now. Imho, you got more involved than you should have to begin with but all families are different and have different boundaries. In my family, we would have kept on driving. kwim? Your parents are adults and can handle their own marriage. They do not need your help. Find something else to ruminate over, something relating to yourself and how to improve things. Good luck.

 

[ccgirl]

Before I do anything (and I have been in a similar situation) I always ask myself; what good will come out of it? I know you are angry but do not act out of anger. If you go to the preacher; what good will come of it? If you go to the other spouse; what good will come out of it? More pain will be caused and will that be comforting to you? Sounds like you are looking for a way to get back at your mother and nothing good will come of that. You told your dad now the best thing would be to just stay out of it and focus on your own life. I respectfully disagree with the PP who stated that because it is your parents it is your business. If I am not directly involved in something; it is none of my business. If your mom is treating your dad that bad; is that something you want your children to constantly hear? I don't agree with the way my FiL speaks so we don't go over there. I have them come to my house where I have more control over what goes on.

Good luck. I know it can't be easy. Let you parents work it out themselves. Best of luck to you.

 

[Gigi22]

OP, your parents are adults, they will have to handle their own mess. Take care of your own children, and let your parents deal.
When you are calmer, you might quietly (and in private) suggest that your dad get tested for STDs. No one knows how many times your mother's friend may have pulled this stunt.

 

[Trish Bessette]

OK. First off you need to begin to MYOB. Your parents relationship is not something that you should be getting involved with.

In other words you are creating your own drama. Stop it.

Secondly if your mother is "treating your father like a dog", I would not let my children around chaos like that. The fact she is your mother makes no difference to me. I don't allow my children around mentally unstable people unless they are under my watchful eye.

So considering the stuff going on in your parents life, it is time to protect your children from their crap.

So, let your parents be who they are and stay away from them until they can get their act together.

Then focus on your sister.

As far as forgiveness I don't buy into that mumbo jumbo. I deal in the reality of the now. If someone is acting nutty, then you get treated like a nut. I go by behavior and not words.

I agree with this.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but it shouldn't be your burden. My parents divorced and all the "stuff" that lead up to it my sisters and I just stayed out of.

 

[Wednesday's Child]

You know what? As harsh as Mystery Machines' words were, I think she is right. I do need to MYOB. I'm tired of dealing with the fall out from my parents' rollercoaster and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I really feel like I need some space from them, which would be really easy if we lived far away from them. However, my parents provide after-school care for my kids, so we see them every day. I told my mother last night that I would not allow my kids to witness the way she has been treating my dad anymore (just yesterday my son remarked on how she always yells at grandpa). That was one of the promises that she made, that she would treat him better and not act that way in front of the kids. Unfortunately, she has made that promise before and didn't follow through. If the tension persists, I am going to have to figure out alternative child care arrangements. It's hard, because my kids really love spending time with my parents in spite of their instability.

BTW, the preacher and other wife thing was just an anger, "spur of the moment" thought. I am already under a tremendous amount of stress from worrying about my sister's illness and how things are going to work out for her. This just adds to the stress I was already experiencing. I need to step out of it and let my parents deal with their issues.