How do you know when divorce is right?

[nwdisgal]

Good luck to you. Counseling is a really good idea. The other thing is that you are now entering a new decade in your life. Women tend to "come into their own" during their 40's. It's not that we're having a mid-life crisis. I call it more of a mid-life realization. It is a major checkpoint - how am I doing with my life, am I happy with what I'm doing, could I be fulfilling more of my dreams. Am I sharing my dream with the right person? All those sorts of questions... So realize that change is going on within you and can affect how you feel about the people around you - definately can impact relationships.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

was this really necessary? It's obvious she was pooring her heart out and you had to put this?

Considering I almost skipped over her post because of this, yes. And furthermore, I asked nicely.

 

[mudnuri]

I think if you talk to any of your female friends, they will more than likely have the same "complaints" as you. When it comes to house work, its never an easy situation. The woman always feels like they do it all, and the men always feel like they help out there share.

That said- There is a way to get more help around the house- its called communication. When I was with my X he worked 16 hour days- 6 days a week, however when he was home, he still helped out with the kids, housework etc. I use to nag, but that got me no where. In the end I realized nagging doesnt work, but sitting him down when I wasnt' in a crappy mood and discussing it with him did.

Sometimes men are idiots. They think life is great when we women, who ANALYZE dont.

If I chose to, I could sit here and analyze the heck out of my current relationship and probably find things about him that bug me, however I've learned that there are certain things we see differently on. Housework, thankfully isnt one. BUT I'm set in my ways, and he's set in his, and sometimes they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Without communicating he would have never known that the shower curtain left open REALLY REALLY bugs me. (small anal retentive moments)...

I did counseling for 18 month both with and without my X, didnt save the relationship, but it made it so now, a year after I left, we communicate. We talk, and can discuss the kids and other stuff without it being a fight. I also think that counseling helped me in my 'other' life...dealing with myself. If nothing else, go to counseling to help yourself and your kids.....its obvious they feel the tension.

Divorce to me does NOT ruin people's lives...I cant remember who posted that but what a load of crap! My parents divorced when i was 3 years old...I had the best relationship with both my mom and my dad, and when my father was on his death bed in 1998, the person he requested be there, was my mother. Thats almost 20 years after they divorced...divorce doesnt have to destroy a family, its all in what you decide will happen. My X and I agreed first off, that the last thing we wanted to do was mess up the kids, it wasnt there fault we were seperating, and I urge you both to agree to that...

Good luck
Brandy

 

[Christine]

Divorce to me does NOT ruin people's lives...I cant remember who posted that but what a load of crap! My parents divorced when i was 3 years old...I had the best relationship with both my mom and my dad, and when my father was on his death bed in 1998, the person he requested be there, was my mother. Thats almost 20 years after they divorced...divorce doesnt have to destroy a family, its all in what you decide will happen. Good luck
Brandy

Brandy,
I agree with you on that! My parents separated when I was 2 and divorced when I was 4. I won't lie and say that it didn't have a major impact on my psychologically. But that was not because of the divorce, it was because my father was a terrible father and pretty much abandoned me. If he had stayed in my life and had been a father to me, the divorce wouldn't have mattered one bit (except for the fact that every kid kind of wishes their parents were together).

 

[MAKmom]

I gave my first husband a year to shape up or ship out. I told him I would file after the year is up. He did not. I filed he still did not believe me. Anyway 18 years later he still regrets not meeting me half way.

I would tell your DH you have x amount of time to change my mind.

Giving up the video game seems like a first step. Prayer/meditation is so powerful.

A marriage can have BAD years.

 

[poohandwendy]

First of all, {{{HUGS}}}, you sound very frustrated and defeated. I think most people have been there at one time or another.

I guess one question I have for you is, if some of these changes took place would you want to stay with him? I suspect you would or you wouldn't be thinking about how much it would hurt you if he did these things for someone else.

From what you have offered here, my opinion is what you describe is not the time for divorce. I am not saying that time will not come for you (it may be right around the corner)...I am certain it will if things dont change. However, IMO, it is the right time for divorce when there isn't anything left to fix and you have wholeheartedly tried all options before making that decision.

You asked, "Isn't part of marriage about trying to make each other's dreams come true? ". Well, the simplified answer is 'yes, when things are optimal'. What you descrbe is not optimal. Bottom line, people do not put energy into making their spouses dreams 'come true' when there is tension in the relationship. It sounds llke there has been tension in your marriage for a long time.

One thing I would suggest for you to work on is your pattern of 'giving up'. That is a really big problem of YOURS and not conducive to a strong relationship. I would start with going full force into individual, marital and family counselling. If you don't work on changing your tendency to 'give up'...instead of fighting for what you want, it will carry over onto the next relationship you have and you will inevitably end up in the same exact position.

As far as fantasizing about being a divorced woman, well...that is exactly what it is, a fantasy. It will not be what you expect. I am not saying it will not work out, it always does. But keep in mind that it will not be a miracle cure to all ills. In some ways, you will be happier...but not in all ways. In some ways, you will be more unhappy. I know scores of people who were just blindsided by the fact that divorce was not what they envisioned.

Another issue to think about is your kids. It seems like they are both are having some issues going on, divorce will likely amplify that.

I am not saying you should not be divorced. It may be inevitable for you. I am saying that you owe it to yourself to know that you tried everything possible before making that decision. It's not an easy one, but it is a permanent break of the family. Definitely one that should be make with careful consideration and with eyes wide open. It sounds like you are open to counselling. I think that is a great idea. It may be a means to the end, I dunno. It isn't ever a bad idea to try to solve some issues...or at least put them on the table.

I really wish you well, you are definitely not alone. Marriage is very tough sometimes.

I hope you can find some answers in counselling, about what is right for you and what is right for your family.

 

[KelNottAt]

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck with the counseling. It sounds like a great idea.

If your DH honestly and truly made some changes for your sake, would you stay married? Or is your mind made up and divorce is imminent, no matter what anybody does?

Sometimes the hardest part about finding happiness is being able to define our own happiness. If neither you nor DH can articulate your visions of happiness, your relationship really is doomed.

But, if you each know what can make you happy together there's a good chance you can find it. I think is where a good counselor can be a tremendous help.

Best of luck.

 

[Maleficent13]

Everything PAW said. I couldn't have said it better. And

 

[DVC Sadie]

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck with the counseling. It sounds like a great idea.

If your DH honestly and truly made some changes for your sake, would you stay married? Or is your mind made up and divorce is imminent, no matter what anybody does?

Sometimes the hardest part about finding happiness is being able to define our own happiness. If neither you nor DH can articulate your visions of happiness, your relationship really is doomed.

But, if you each know what can make you happy together there's a good chance you can find it. I think is where a good counselor can be a tremendous help.

Best of luck.

What a great post.

You also sound so very overextended by doing everything by yourself. Why not hire someone to come clean the house or hiring a lawn service, even if it's only every other week it would still give you time to BREATHE.
I hope your solo trip helps to revitalize you so you can best determine your next course of action.

 

[Shannon G]

Then I will say Divorce should be the last resort as it will destroy all involved and future generations as well ( I come from divorced parents so I have a little knowledge).

I have to disagree with this blanket statement. While I agree divorce should be a last resort, I DO NOT agree that it will "destroy" all involved. Maybe my beliefs on this are self-serving, as I am in the process of getting divorced myself, but I think there are situations where all involved are better off after a divorce. My ex is an alcoholic, and has a lot of growing up to do also. No amount of talking or arguing or crying made any difference. I tried counseling - he went once, only because I gave him an ultimatum and said if he didn't go we were done. Even then he totally discounted everything the counselor said, by reasoning that of course she agreed with me - she's a woman so she was naturally going to take my side!

Anyway, it was VERY difficult to make the decision to end it, because of course we all want our kids to grow up ini the "perfect" family. But, I firmly believe that both I and my kids are better off now, and in the long run. I am a better mother - I am not competely stressed out all the time, so I have more patience with the kids. And, as the mother of two young girls, I had to not only consider the potential impact of the divorce on them, but also the potential impact of staying. What would I be teaching them if I had stayed with their dad? Not only would they see his behavior, but they would see my acceptance of it, so maybe they would think that it's okay. That's not what I want to teach them.

Now I know the OP did not indicate that she's in a situation where there are any substance abuse or similar issues, but I still think that there are situations where the entire family may be better off, in the long run, after a divorce. I'm not saying that's the case in her situation - only she and her family can be the judge of that. But I think it's very harsh to say that a divorce will destroy everyone involved. I know that I was worried about this type of response when I decided to get divorced, and those worries probably caused me to stay longer than I should have. It IS possible to get divorced without getting bitter and nasty, and without putting the kids in the middle. I obviously worry when my kids are with their dad, but I still try to do what I can to foster a good relationship between them, and I do NOT speak badly about him to them (or around them).

To the OP, it sounds like you've got a lot to think about. I would agree with trying counseling before making any big decisions - it can only help. But, in the end, only you will know what decision is right for you and your family.

 

[sajetto]

You are going through such a tough time. I don't have any answers, but just hope for you that everything works out in your best interest. This is something that only you can decide.

 

[mudnuri]

I gave my first husband a year to shape up or ship out. I told him I would file after the year is up. He did not. I filed he still did not believe me. Anyway 18 years later he still regrets not meeting me half way.

I would tell your DH you have x amount of time to change my mind.

Giving up the video game seems like a first step. Prayer/meditation is so powerful.

A marriage can have BAD years.

oh ultimatims are a WONDERFUL thing to have in a relationship- I'm not suprised he let you file!

Communication and compromise are the key to relationships- both intimate and friendship- if you dont have those 2 you have nothing. Saying to someone you either do this or i'm leaving is certainly not the way to stay married...sitting down and discussing the issue before you feel that way is!

I'm so suprised by the amount of people who do not communicate with their spouses or SO....I know communication doesnt come easy to everyone, but without that- what do you have???

Branyd

 

[gina2000]

You've got alot on your plate. I just read the thread about your son and I know that having an unmotivated child is one of the most stressful problems a marriage can handle. Illness and monetary problems are others.

Take a step away and breathe. Your husband is probably feeling all of the same anxieties and frustrations you are. Men just don't deal as well. While divorce may be in your future, right now is probably not the best time to decide upon it. It's time to sit down with your husband and try to repair the relationship without all of the external pressures. Get back to who you were before children. You can't control your externals but you can control what goes on between both of you. Try that first. Then move forward.

Good luck. Life is never easy.

 

[Stitchfans]

Susan so sorry to hear about your troubles. If you need an ear and a friendly chat you know where I live. I have a tea pot all ready for some tea and the girls could play while we chat.

seriously I'm here if you need a shoulder or an ear

 

[Mishetta]

It's so heartbreaking to hear your story. I feel so bad for you & especially for your children. Sounds like only ONE of you is working at this marriage & family & the other needs to grow up like pretty quick. Has he changed since you married him or was he always this way?

When I met/dated & married my DH, he lived with his parents (till just maybe a year before we married) & he used to just do bare minimum around his Mom & Dad's house. Then he rented a condo a few doors down from mine & it was pretty much picked up. But after we married & were living together, he just expected me to do everything. That didn't last long. I got on his case because we were both working & it wasn't fair that I was expected to do everything. He understood & started taking on duties around the house & now after nearly 12 years of marriage, he does more than me! He used to sit around & watch TV & now he can't sit down if there is something to do around the house. Being that I have a bad back, he vacuums the house & washes all the floors (I just swiffer during the week to keep up since the kids are always messing up the floors). He turned into a Felix Unger (the neat fanatic from "The Odd Couple.") Over the years, he's gotten neater & neater that now he folds his clothes before throwing them in the hamper! But he loves the look of a clean & picked up home. We have a gardening service so neither one of us has to do outside chores (thankfully).

What would your DH do if you just left everything? Would he be able to live in a mess?

I don't know what to say since thankfully I'm not in your shoes but maybe counseling would be a great step to try to remedy this situation. I would like to think that if my DH & I were having problems that I would want to know that I did absolutely everything I could to fix it before divorcing. You're such a beautiful family ~ I'm so sorry you're having all this anguish. Life is not meant to be like this....you sound like me when you said "I hate my life" but it's not because of my DH (just love him to pieces) but it's my two ADHD boys that make me want to run away from home & never come back!

Wishing you the best. Take care of you first & then try to pull the pieces together ~ at least one last time.

 

[CathrynRose]

I don't have any advice, but could please put some paragraph breaks in your original post, pretty please?

 

[sweet angel]

I disagree with the statements that divorce destroys everyone involved and that divorce is simply trading one set of problems for another.

That said, I think the counseling is good -- at the very least, so that you know you tried everything.

I'm in a similar situation, although not married. DBF does about 0.5% of the work around the house -- inside or outside. He feels since he works a lot of hours (by choice -- not necessity) he gets a pass from that and that I should pick up the slack. When he is home, he watches t.v. and is cranky, crabby, yelling, etc.

He feels work is more important than family. Does not see the need to "make memories", etc.

I'm about at the end of my rope. I honestly don't know that even if he totally changed everything, if I would have any interest in staying with him.

 

[CathrynRose]

I certainly wouldnt encourage anyone to get divorced - it's hard.

BUT - on that note, I also feel once youre "done", you are DONE.

As juvenille as it sounds, make an honest "Pro's & Con's" list...

Ill keep you in my good thoughts. It's a tough situation.

 

[MickeysMommy]

...it will destroy all involved and future generations as well ( I come from divorced parents so I have a little knowledge).

Can I just say that I absolutely, completely, totally DISAGREE with this wholeheartedly!

My grandmother divorced my sleeping around-boozing grandfather AFTER my mother and aunt begged her for years to do so. My mother would've been married to my dad 47 years this June. My aunt was married to my uncle for 30 some years before he passed away. I was not traumatized because my Nannie and my Grandfather got divorced.

You have to do what is right for YOU. No one else can say what is right. Counseling will only work if all parties involved want it to work. Even if only one person wants it to work and the other doesn't...it won't.

Please know that you are in my thoughts. Sending tons of your way.

 

[Dory's Twin]

Sounds as if your marriage is affecting your children....