How do you just let it go?

[mumom95]

I often times read on here, especially during the inlaw threads, people say you just need to let it go and get over it. And I think logically, most people would not argue with that.

But, realistically, that seems so much harder to do than it sounds.

I have a very strained relationship with my mother in law. Actually, at this point, I will not have anything to do with her (just me, not my dh or kids). This was my decision, and she doesn't agree with it (honestly, I don't think she has a problem not seeing me, but because of it she doesn't get to see the grandkids as much as she used to)

I won't go into details, because frankly there are just way too many and it would take way too long. But I will say in the course of our relationship, we have both made mistakes. And the place we are at is as much my fault is it is hers. So, I'm not trying to paint myself as the saint and her as the devil. We've both played each of those parts at one time or another. And she has not been the mother in law from h*ll. I read about some of those on here, and I think wow, mine's not that bad. But she has done things that have hurt me, and she's never been willing to acknowledge them.

But my poor dh is stuck in the middle. He supports me completely in all of this, and is upset with his mother, but he does love her and is trying to do what he can to keep the relationship strong between her and the kids. And honestly, I hate that a decision that I have made is doing this to him. I'm ok with the decision and how it's affected me, and I don't feel I'm wrong with the decision I've made, but I do feel horrible about what it's doing to him.

So, I read where people are always saying, I just don't hold on to the anger and I let it go. And I think, I should do that. I should just let it go. How nice would that be? Stop getting angry, stop getting stressed, just let those feelings go.

But then the phone rings, I see her name on caller ID and my body immediately tenses up. I don't want it to, I don't tell it to, but it just does it. How do I stop that from happening? Somebody mentions my brother in law (who has been a big part of the problem through the years, not so much him, but her treatment of him and how it affects my dh and I) and I immediately start fuming. Once again, I don't tell my self to get mad, it just happens.

So my question is (and wow, I've taken a long time to get around to asking the question ). How do I just let it go, when I can't seem to get rid of the anger? Or better yet, how do I get rid of the anger? Counceling maybe? I used to see a therpist after my mom died and I went through a bout of depression. I talked a lot about my mother in law then, but it didn't really change anything.

We have realized that my mother in law is not going to change or even acknowledge her part in any of this. So if the relationship is going to be mended, it's going to have to be me that makes the effort towards mending it. And if this just affected me, I know I wouldn't even consider making the effort. But this doesn't just affect me, it affects my dh and kids, and for them, I feel I have to at least try. I'm just worried I can't do it.

So, if you've stuck with me this long (and I appreciate it if you have), I will gladly listen to any advice you have. How do you do it? How do you just let it go when your body doesn't seem to want to?

 

[disykat]

Time. My dh and kids also see my inlaws more than I do. Out of self-protection, and to try to facilitate dh and the kids having a continuing relationship with them, I limit my time with them. I have done this for the last 13 years and it's quite civil now. Over the years it has gotten easier and I honestly believe I have let go of a lot of my hurt and anger. However, I also believe that is largely because I stood up for myself and refused to be their whipping post.

 

[Acklander]

the best book I ever read was called "The Four agreements". It's a great book on "letting go".
One of the agreements is about on not taking stuff personally. How, the way people act is a reflection of THEIR reality and not yours. And when I look at things that way (this is me, personally - they don't say this in the book) it actually becomes quite entertaining.
I highly recommend the book to everyone.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting or condoning what they have done. It may also mean that you do have to protect yourself from future hurt depending upon the nature of the hurt (in cases of physical abuse, for example).

If you can forgive what has gone on in the past, not forget it or condone it, just release its hold on you; the power it has to hurt you, then you are headed in the direction of healing for yourself.

Once you've done that, then perhaps you can move into a relationship where you are no longer hurt by things s/he does because you realize it's that person and not you.

It's easy enough to say you can't change a person, only your reaction to a person, but that's simplistic.

What is your goal? Define it and strive for it. Keep it uppermost in your mind, and remember... you too are only human, eh?

 

[Mamu]

Easy to say let go, not so easy to do. My DH has this same problem with one of his brothers. Hangs on every word.

I'm the kind of person who lets yesterday stay in yesterday. DH is the kind of person to bring up things from 20 years ago. Dig a hole and bury it.

 

[heart4pooh]

I understand. My mother and MIL have both caused me pain.

One day I decided to just accept my mother in law for who she is and know that she is unaware of how her actions effect the people around her, including my husband. I set boundaries. I love her and appreciate all she has done for my husband. I decided to forgive her and myself, It worked beautifully for me.

My mother was a bit harder to deal with. But I took a deep breath and decided to see her in a different way. I let go of 25 yrs of anger and resentment and judgement. I have my boundaries with her too. I call her a couple of times a week now, where I went many years speaking to her just on Christmas to thank her for the gifts she sent my kids. She hasn't changed. I have.

A good book that helps with situations like this is Will Bowen's Complaint Free Relationships. I highly recommend it. And of course the book Boundaries. Good Luck!

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't have a MIL anymore ( due to divorce ) and I Thank God sometimes after reading what some people have to go through with theirs!

But in dealing with my ex, I have learned to let it go. I am not going to change him, he is what he is, and that is it. I used to get mad, scream, yell, curse....didn't do any good, he still lied about everything, it's his way or no way, and he's always right. So I let it go. It's hard, and I don't forgive him for the way he's treated our daughter, but I got over it. It's hard to put into words how to do it, but you just realize one day it's not worth stressing. You can't change people.

It does help he's totally screwed his life up at this point.

 

[Tuffcookie]

When I found myself in a situation where I needed to "let it go", I decided to stay busy! I focused on my work, continued to do volunteer work I was already in...I even started riding a bike (or any type of exercise program would be good!).

In time, the situation seemed less important to me and I was able to get out of that hole I was in.

TC

I had to come back and also add: I leaned on my faith in God; that he knew what he was doing and it was all in his hands! (I hope this isn't too religious for this board).

 

[java]

Letting go doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It means you have just decided to not allow the actions of someone else impact your life anymore. They are who they are. You can't change them. You can change how you react to them.
She pushes your buttons. Don't let her.
When I had someone in my life that I had to get along with I repeated in my head- "She's broken, she isn't doing this on purpose" which I am not really sure she isn't but it helped me get to the point of keeping things on a light level.
If it's bothering you - she has control of you. Letting it go puts you back in the driver seat of your life! You can do this. Life isn't a battle. Remember without her your husband wouldn't be here.

 

[cosmicrays]

I would love to know as well. I am still not there.

 

[luvsJack]

I have a friend at work that always says "You have to let people be who they be". She is able to look past most anything in a person because she just accepts that they are the way they are and are not going to change. She says that once she just accepted that in people she was able to let go of a lot of past issues with family members.

She says that she heard a speaker once that said most of our ill will toward other people in our lives is due to us wanting them to be a certain way or that we imagine this "perfect" mil, mother, sibling, whatever. When they turn out to not be the way we believe they "should" be, we get hurt and angry. Once we learn to just allow them to be the way they are, not take it personal nor try to change them, then we are able to let go any of the anger or the hurt.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As morbid as this sounds, I am now 45. I have limited time on this earth. I am not going to waste my time worrying or fighting with people.

However at the same token I don't put up with crap either.

You say that your BIL is a big part of the issue, your MIL treatment of him. Now there are 2 schools of thought here.

1) Is she evil to him? If she is evil, then that is different. I am not going to have a relationship with "evil" people. I will be cordial upon seeing them, but that is as far as it goes. And I will put my foot down with my dh and not allow a "relationship" with evil meaning with my children.

2) If she favors your BIL over your DH and that is the issue, I consider that none of my business. My job there is too comfort DH. I stay out of it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a friend at work that always says "You have to let people be who they be". She is able to look past most anything in a person because she just accepts that they are the way they are and are not going to change. She says that once she just accepted that in people she was able to let go of a lot of past issues with family members.

She says that she heard a speaker once that said most of our ill will toward other people in our lives is due to us wanting them to be a certain way or that we imagine this "perfect" mil, mother, sibling, whatever. When they turn out to not be the way we believe they "should" be, we get hurt and angry. Once we learn to just allow them to be the way they are, not take it personal nor try to change them, then we are able to let go any of the anger or the hurt.

That is good advice. And really it boils down to YOU being a controlling person. That is an eye opener for yourself. However you should be "in control" of certain aspects at the same time being able to know what to let go. It is a fine line to walk.

Of course knowledge of handling a controlling/manipulating person helps. DH and I treat it as a sport. We put some fun into. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[tinkntraining]

I wish I had answers for you, because then I'd have answers for me, too. I don't know how to "forgive" without forgetting. I don't know how to forgive and not be a doormat to that person for the rest of my life. This specific person has repeatedly taken advantage of my good will and thrown it back in my face too many times to count. I feel like the only way to protect myself, is to stay away from the person responsible and all the drama. To eliminate the "next time" before it happens.

I know I should forgive her for the sake of my own mental health, but how do you accomplish that without condoning the behavior?

 

[wdwfan16]

I let it go because I am the one paying the price for not letting it go.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

This may sound simplistic but everytime I catch myself thinking about or dwelling on whatever is making me angry I immediately stop myself and think of something else.

Also stop talking about the situation with anyone - I find talking about it just gets me all fired up again.

Like a PP said, mostly it takes time, but if you work at it you can get there. Don't let your MIL take your peace away from you. Ultimately your anger hurts you more than anyone else.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

When I found myself in a situation where I needed to "let it go", I decided to stay busy! I focused on my work, continued to do volunteer work I was already in...I even started riding a bike (or any type of exercise program would be good!).

Letting go doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It means you have just decided to not allow the actions of someone else impact your life anymore. They are who they are. You can't change them. You can change how you react to them.

I let it go because I am the one paying the price for not letting it go.

What they said

 

[monkeybug]

I read a story when I was a teenager.
It was about two monks out for a walk. They come upon a woman wearing a fancy dress, and she can't get across a stream. One of the monks just picks her up, carries her across, sets her down on the other side, and continues on his way. The second monk seems upset, but doesn't say anything.
After some time , the first monk says to the second "You seem up upset, is something bothering you?
The second monk replies "We took a vow to never touch a woman. How could you just pick up that woman and carry her on your shoulders? Are you not troubled by that?"
The first monk replies "I set the woman down 2 hours ago, why are you still carrying her?"
I agree letting go is NOT easy to do, but I always try to think of that story, and the truth is I haven't found anything that's worth carrying on my shoulders everyday.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wish I had answers for you, because then I'd have answers for me, too. I don't know how to "forgive" without forgetting. I don't know how to forgive and not be a doormat to that person for the rest of my life. This specific person has repeatedly taken advantage of my good will and thrown it back in my face too many times to count. I feel like the only way to protect myself, is to stay away from the person responsible and all the drama. To eliminate the "next time" before it happens.

I know I should forgive her for the sake of my own mental health, but how do you accomplish that without condoning the behavior?

For starters, putting words like "forgiveness" & "forgetting" on the situation is not useful for me. That is religious psychology. I am not religious so it does not apply to me.

I think about in terms of basic psychology. If someone is obviously setting out to tear you down, you don't put yourself back there until you are ready to handle it. That is like a "battered woman" psychology or a lack of self preservation. Which is VERY unhealthy to your mental state.

That is the source of your conflict. So, what do you do? My technique I use is to "accept your reality".

For example, my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic. Now this is an extreme example but it really drives the point home. You would say that there is nothing I can do to change her and that is fact.

However thru the 20+yrs of her, she has been up and down with meds., sometimes in psychosis in which she is out of her mind and dangerous.

Right now meds have improved and she is GREAT!

That being said, I would never leave a small child with her to babysit.

You accept the limitations of the person and when they are off on the rails on the crazy train, you don't stand on the tracks.

Move forward instead of looking behind. That is a trap to keep you in a place of pain.

Or you can look at it as Cesar Milan looks at dogs. Live in the moment. However Cesar would not tell you to let a small child play with an aggressive pit bull. That is part of accepting your reality.

I hope some of this makes sense to you. Not sure I quite answered your question but that is how I look at life.

 

[mumom95]

As morbid as this sounds, I am now 45. I have limited time on this earth. I am not going to waste my time worrying or fighting with people.

However at the same token I don't put up with crap either.

You say that your BIL is a big part of the issue, your MIL treatment of him. Now there are 2 schools of thought here.

1) Is she evil to him? If she is evil, then that is different. I am not going to have a relationship with "evil" people. I will be cordial upon seeing them, but that is as far as it goes. And I will put my foot down with my dh and not allow a "relationship" with evil meaning with my children.

2) If she favors your BIL over your DH and that is the issue, I consider that none of my business. My job there is too comfort DH. I stay out of it.

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.