How do you invite a friend for your daughter and then ask them to pay their own way?

[bikinpunk]

Well, the story seems to have progressed a bit. First, we didn't know the deluxe nature of the trip, then OP admitted to contemplating having her daughter conspire (her words) with the friend to get the other parents to pay for it without them ever even mentioning it. Now we see that the friend's family has already taken OP's daughter on an all expense vacation to Maine, including airfare.

I think it's rude to invite a kid on a trip and expect any kind of payment from the parents. As many people have stated, it puts the parents in a bad spot if they, like most people, don't have spare money lying around. It very likely will affect their own family vacation. And the OP admitted that she was, in fact, considering having the kids essentially put those parents in that position, which is, well, let's just say "not very nice".

Given the additional information regarding what this family has done for her daughter, I find it pretty unbelievable that anyone would consider putting those parents in that spot after what they have done. Especially since the primary reason the OP can't afford to add the friend is because they are willingly going on a super-deluxe trip and aren't willing to tone it down in order to bring the friend with them.

I didn't realize there was a conspiracy. In that effect, I'm a bit speechless.


Again, I as the parent would expect to pay for my own child. But, then again, as a parent asking, I would also be prepared that it couldn't happen.
This could really be tricky. Very tricky. Apparently the OP has made it even worse by discussing this with the daughter's friend before talking to the parents first.

The simplest thing in this case is to go to the parents without mentioning a word to the daughter or friend. period. If nothing else, this should be done out of respect to the other family.

Hopefully if I'm ever put in the position of asking a friend of the family to go, I would have the wherewithal to do as I've suggested above.



Additionally, you'd probably want to ask yourself if this trip is a gift to your family or your daughter. For my b'day many years ago my parents surprised me by asking a friend to go with us to DW. We were 16 at the time. They dropped us off on multiple days and let us do our thing. Was a great time. I believe my folks covered nearly all of it, but my friend has his spending money. Granted the flight was free and the hotel was, too (my father traveled a LOT and racked up many points in this time). Having said that, if this is a gift for the daughter, then IMO the friend's fees should be encompassed. I don't believe it's wrong to ask the other family for help, but in this situation you're essentially asking another family to buy your child a gift. That's just not right.



Guess I don't have much else to say. The OP has likely tied her own hands if she has truly 'conspired'.

 

[Rip]

I didn't realize there was a conspiracy. In that effect, I'm a bit speechless.


Again, I as the parent would expect to pay for my own child. But, then again, as a parent asking, I would also be prepared that it couldn't happen.
This could really be tricky. Very tricky. Apparently the OP has made it even worse by discussing this with the daughter's friend before talking to the parents first.

The simplest thing in this case is to go to the parents without mentioning a word to the daughter or friend. period. If nothing else, this should be done out of respect to the other family.

Hopefully if I'm ever put in the position of asking a friend of the family to go, I would have the wherewithal to do as I've suggested above.



Additionally, you'd probably want to ask yourself if this trip is a gift to your family or your daughter. For my b'day many years ago my parents surprised me by asking a friend to go with us to DW. We were 16 at the time. They dropped us off on multiple days and let us do our thing. Was a great time. I believe my folks covered nearly all of it, but my friend has his spending money. Granted the flight was free and the hotel was, too (my father traveled a LOT and racked up many points in this time). Having said that, if this is a gift for the daughter, then IMO the friend's fees should be encompassed. I don't believe it's wrong to ask the other family for help, but in this situation you're essentially asking another family to buy your child a gift. That's just not right.



Guess I don't have much else to say. The OP has likely tied her own hands if she has truly 'conspired'.

To clarify, the OP admitted to contemplating having her daughter conspire with the friend. Not that she actually went through with it.

 

[tlh0726]

Sorry to say, I am back posting on this topic.

As I stated in a previous post. We take a friend for oldest DS on our trips and pay for everything except for this child's spending money. We consider the extra expense as part of our vacation cost.

But looking at the other side, DH said that he would be okay paying for park tickets, airfare and spending money if he were asked (even though we always pay for the child), but when he heard the cost at approx. $800 for a 5 day vacation it kinda changed his mind. He was okay with $500.

So my question to other posters, do you have a problem with
1.the dollar amount that she expects the other parents to pay for this child?
or
2. the fact that she is going to ask them to pay?

 

[greenpea89]

Well, the story seems to have progressed a bit. First, we didn't know the deluxe nature of the trip, then OP admitted to contemplating having her daughter conspire (her words) with the friend to get the other parents to pay for it without them ever even mentioning it. Now we see that the friend's family has already taken OP's daughter on an all expense vacation to Maine, including airfare.

I think it's rude to invite a kid on a trip and expect any kind of payment from the parents. As many people have stated, it puts the parents in a bad spot if they, like most people, don't have spare money lying around. It very likely will affect their own family vacation. And the OP admitted that she was, in fact, considering having the kids essentially put those parents in that position, which is, well, let's just say "not very nice".

Given the additional information regarding what this family has done for her daughter, I find it pretty unbelievable that anyone would consider putting those parents in that spot after what they have done. Especially since the primary reason the OP can't afford to add the friend is because they are willingly going on a super-deluxe trip and aren't willing to tone it down in order to bring the friend with them.

I would have to agree. We frequently take our children's friends with us on holiday and our rule is "if we invite -we pay". Even if a guest's parents ask us if they can contribute we wouldn't feel comfortable accepting their offer. Our take on it is that we are not doing anyone a favor nor do we feel that someone should be grateful that we invited their child on a trip. We feel that we wanted to invite/include that child and we are accepting responsibility for their child in the same way we would a family member.

I think if for some reason it were a financial concern we would simply not allow our children to invite guests. Particularly, in a situation where the parents of our child's friend had just paid for my child to go on an all expense paid holiday with them. My advise would be to steer clear of the situation and any hard feelings the situation might cause by simply not inviting the friend or scaling back your holiday so that you can include her friend without expecting her family to contribute to your vacation.

 

[Rip]

I would have to agree. We frequently take our children's friends with us on holiday and our rule is "if we invite -we pay". Even if a guest's parents ask us if they can contribute we wouldn't feel comfortable accepting their offer. Our take on it is that we are not doing anyone a favor nor do we feel that someone should be grateful that we invited their child on a trip. We feel that we wanted to invite/include that child and we are accepting responsibility for their child in the same way we would a family member.

I think if for some reason it were a financial concern we would simply not allow our children to invite guests. Particularly, in a situation where the parents of our child's friend had just paid for my child to go on an all expense paid holiday with them. My advise would be to steer clear of the situation and any hard feelings the situation might cause by simply not inviting the friend or scaling back your holiday so that you can include her friend without expecting her family to contribute to your vacation.

My thoughts exactly. It's totally different if one were planning some sort of group vacation, but if I invite my kids' friends (and we have, as a matter of fact we have a trip next year to Universal that we're taking one of my daughter's friends), they are coming because I wanted them to come and as such they are my responsibility.

 

[lbklyn]

Earlier I posted that there is nothing wrong with asking the friends parents for something towards the trip (NOT the hotel or deluxe dining though). But since we know the friends parents took THEIR daughter away and paid for it all that changes everything. No, I would not ask them for anything but spending money. And at this point with what the OP has written I do not think they should invite any friends. I know I do not even know them but I am afraid if this trip did not turn out the way they wanted it to the friend is going to feel she is to blame. Just have a bad feeling.

 

[ajpa]

So my question to other posters, do you have a problem with
1.the dollar amount that she expects the other parents to pay for this child?
or
2. the fact that she is going to ask them to pay?

I was suggesting upthread that they ask the other family to pay airfare & tickets, but that was because I missed the post about the daughter already having gone on an all-expense paid trip to Maine with the other family.

I think in view of that, an offer to the kid to join them in wdw should be a reciprocal offer. They shouldn't ask the other family to pay anything. If they can't afford to do that, they should not invite. If they invite and the other family insists on paying, it should just be for something beyond what their daughter got; in this case I think it could be park tickets. (Or if the other family says the kid has enough airmiles to fly free to orlando anyway).

Personally, in that situation, I would feel a social obligation to the other family because I let my daughter go to Maine on their dime. I would probably either find the money or downgrade to a different resort. But that's just me.

Social obligations are tough. Hope the OP finds a good solution.

 

[ogreenlee]

2001 - Polynesian
2003 - Beach Club
2005 - Polynesian
2007 - Polynesian
2009 - Grand Floridian, Disney Wonder
20?? - Wishing to go back home to the Poly.

Is this for the GF trip or for your 20?? trip?

If it's for the 20?? trip, it looks like you have time to save extra money. lol

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

We offered to take a cousin and told the mom to just pay the airfare. We figure we only go to the parks 2 days and we will send the boys to the water parks a day or so and we can splurge of this for him. Also looking out for free dining. If no free dining the boys can eat CS while hubby and I do the resturants. This will make up for extra expenses. Kids do have to eat that expensive anyway.

 

[okeydokey]

BillSears, we personally agree with you. But I think girls at age 14 need to have a friend with them, so they basically can feel independent (big girls). I think my wife and I would also have as enjoyable a time with a little bit of time to ourselves as well. What a delimma.

So it's for your convenience that you are inviting this girl, but want her to pay 25% of the total bill. yikes. I figure if I invite, I pay.

 

[tlh0726]

2001 - Polynesian
2003 - Beach Club
2005 - Polynesian
2007 - Polynesian
2009 - Grand Floridian, Disney Wonder
20?? - Wishing to go back home to the Poly.



Is this for the GF trip or for your 20?? trip?

If it's for the 20?? trip, it looks like you have time to save extra money. lol

Wow,good catch
totally missed that one on the OP signature.
To busy

OP, Looks like you need to start cutting back/scaling down and come up with the additional money if you want to invite this child. Seems like you go every 2 years. As ogreenlee stated, looks like you have time to save extra money.

 

[Presentation]

Personally, and I’m only talking for me….I’d offer our teen the money we would have spent on her to not go with us and spend the time with her friend back home.

Problem solved and it will be a much more enjoyable vacation.

Oh come on……other parents of teens MUST have had the same thought.

 

[ibela]

To be perfectly honest, I read the first couple of pages and the last couple only.

I didn't see the details of the Maine trip but I assume it cost less than the WDW trip so I don't necessarily think it's apples to apples.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking the other parents to chip in but I do think there's something wrong with the math I was seeing. IMO, the trip shouldn't be evenly split across # of people, which is what it looked like. If the OP wants a deluxe hotel, deluxe meals, and a limo to/from the airport why on earth would the dd's friend be expected to split that cost? If her parents pay for anything, it should at the most be the additional cost for their daughter only: her park admission and airfare, maybe part of the meals. It doesn't seem like she gets much choice in the restaurants as I'm sure she wouldn't pick signature dining so I think the OP should at least pay for 1/2 her meals too (or the difference in dining plan to upgrade to deluxe). Further, I think if the OP is looking forward to leaving the girls alone for adult alone time they're definitely benefitting from bringing the friend and that's "worth" something too, which should be taken into consideration.

 

[ShannonMB]

So my question to other posters, do you have a problem with
1.the dollar amount that she expects the other parents to pay for this child?
or
2. the fact that she is going to ask them to pay?

Both, especially since the other family included the OPs daughter in an all-expense paid trip. It doesn't matter to me that Maine was cheaper than WDW. They thought enough of OPs DD to wish to include her on a family trip. No way in the world I would ever ask that family for money to include their DD in mine after that gesture.

I think it IS apples to apples, just a different amount of apples!

And to another PP, family is different. If I were to take my sis's kids on a trip, I'd have no problem asking her to fork over some $. Now THAT's apples to oranges, IMHO.

 

[Hoopfamily]

One more thought: If working in this additional person is important, perhaps alter your plans so you can afford to pay her way. That way everyone's happy and no one gets their feeling hurt.[/quote]


I agree with itch on this. You're spending alot of $$$ on the hotel for 4 nights. Disney has other less expensive resorts.

However. Asking someone to pay for all or part of a trip for their kid could put them in a tight spot. If the girls parents have expendable cash flow I would ask, but if I thought they could not afford it I would not put that on them.

 

[tlh0726]

Personally, and I’m only talking for me….I’d offer our teen the money we would have spent on her to not go with us and spend the time with her friend back home.

Problem solved and it will be a much more enjoyable vacation.

Oh come on……other parents of teens MUST have had the same thought.

we did. we did.


When we booked our March trip, we were planning on driving. DS did not want to spend 17 plus hours stuck in a van each way. So we gave him the option of a new laptop or going to Disney. He chose the laptop.
Then in January, DH thought he would be working in Atlanta and did not want me having to drive from home to Orlando so we decided I should booked flights (southwest) for me, DD and DS2 and if DH was home at the time of the trip, we were going to cancel the flights (he could use the credit for business flights) and drive. Well when I booked them I automatically (not thinking) booked DH, me, DD & DS2.
DH ended up being home, since I already booked flights for all of us (good price too) and neither us was looking forward to the long drive, we decided not to cancel the flights.
I packed up the van the day before. We said our goodbyes to DS1 the night before who presumed we were still driving . Woke the kids up and headed off about 4am. We had just landed in Orlando when DS1 called to check on how far we were. DH without thinking said waiting on our luggage.

 

[Presentation]

we did. we did.......We had just landed in Orlando when DS1 called to check on how far we were. DH without thinking said waiting on our luggage.

Thats funny right there I don't care who you are.

 

[Disneyholic]

I would definately have them pay the airfare. That is the one thing. that if they decide at the last minute not to let her go for some reason, is the hardest part to cancel. It might make them think twice about cancelling. Tickets can be used by anyone else since they don't belong to a particular person until they are used the first time and the room reservation can be modified fairly easily.JMHO

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Personally, and I’m only talking for me….I’d offer our teen the money we would have spent on her to not go with us and spend the time with her friend back home.

Problem solved and it will be a much more enjoyable vacation.

Oh come on……other parents of teens MUST have had the same thought.

LOL, there have been days when I would have whole heartedly agreed!

 

[mwatson011]

We're looking at 4 nights at the Poly., and 5 day park hopper passes -Est. $3800. Considering past history, I expect total food including a fourth will run about $1600. Airline tickets will run $400 ea., so that's another $1600. We usually rent a Limo (town car) additional $140 with tip. Souvenirs $150
$3800
$1600
$1600
$140
$150
$7290
I get sticker shock every time I look at it.

My daughter's friend who took her to Maine, had a brother who was also planning to go, but couldn't because of a conflict. My daughter took the place of the brother, who couldn't go. The family would have paid for his airline ticket, food etc. if he had gone. The family rented a house in Camden, Maine, inwhich the cost would not have changed weather my daughter went or not.

After reading 12 pages, it comes down to this. Yes, it was nice for your daughter to go with her friend to Maine, she didn't blow their budget, and they had a great time. They did not sacrifice their vacation plans to take her along, and they did not ask you to pay or take your money.

It sounds like in order for you to do the same, that is, pay for the friend entirely, you will have to sacrifice your vacation plans. Now, if you go to the Poly deluxe style every year, of course, no biggie, downgrade the resort and bring the friend, you can enjoy deluxe again next year. However, if this is a one time, big deal splurge, I say do it family style and leave the friend home.

My guess is that the 14yo friend is like most 14 year olds, doesn't realize and especially does not appreciate the difference between a value resort and the Poly, and would most likely prefer CS and snacks to signature dining.

Here's a thought - have you considered the regular dining plan, giving the girls the CS credits and keeping the TS credits for the grownups? All 4 of you will be considered "adult" and the meals are interchangable, so let the girls have 2 CS per day on days you want to do signature dining, that way you don't have to pay for the upgrade to DXDP, which for 4 adults is $128 per day (X4 days = $512). Also, do you really need the park hoppers? That is $52 per person (X4 people = $208), just to have the ability to switch parks? Our family took a trip in Jan, paid for the park hoppers, and used them once, only to use them, not because we really felt the need to. Our next trip is planned with base tickets only. If you do just these two adjustments, you will be able to take the friend and save $720 from your original budget, without really sacrificing. This would pretty much cover the extra airfare and dining cost you are anticipating, and like many others have said, the room and transportation are the same whether she goes or not.

The only money I would expect from the friend's family is for them to make sure she has pocket/souvie money, and I would make that clear at the time of invitation.

I hope if you made it through this, I helped you in some sort of way...