How do you handle toxic people?

[NY Disney fan]

How do you handle toxic people who you can't avoid (a co-worker, a mother, father, neighbor, brother, uncle, aunt)? I know its easy to avoid or remove youself from people who just get on your bad side all the time but what if its someone you have to see every day or every week?? Note: I'm not talking about annoying people but people who you have to walk on eggshells around, who have a chip on their shoulder or are just plain miserable.

Spiritual advice is welcome.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Eeeesh.

I wouldn't continue to have to see them. I'm serious. I'd find a new job, tell the family member that until they treated me the way I wanted to be treated I wasn't going to subject myself to their toxicity any longer...etc.

I think the hardest would be a neighbor. It's easier to get a job than to move (in the sense of when you own your home). However, if it were a rental situation, I'd move.

I don't allow toxic people to stay long in my life. No time for that. We'll all be dead way too soon to allow anyone to mess up what little precious time we do have.

So, sorry. No real advice. Nothing spiritual for sure. Just remove yourself from the situation. People will only treat you the way you allow them to.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Where I work because we work 24/7 there are 4 shifts, so I moved away from the toxic one.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I don't allow toxic people to stay long in my life. No time for that.

What if its a parent? Specifically a parent who is dependent on you?

 

[Laura]

How do you handle toxic people who you can't avoid (a co-worker, a mother, father, neighbor, brother, uncle, aunt)? I know its easy to avoid or remove youself from people who just get on your bad side all the time but what if its someone you have to see every day or every week?? Note: I'm not talking about annoying people but people who you have to walk on eggshells around, who have a chip on their shoulder or are just plain miserable.

Spiritual advice is welcome.

I try to understand where they're coming from (when I can't avoid the person). Does it work all the time? No. But there's one person like that at work, and I'll be damned if I'm going to leave my nice and very stable job and benefits just to avoid her. I have to keep reminding myself of the hard life she's lived, how many regrets she must have, and the reasons why she's so sour and bitter. I would like to transfer to another division with my employer, but that's not the only reason. Besides, this person is close to retiring. So focusing on what she's overcome in her life helps me have perspective.

She's even tried to get me in trouble with my boss on several occasions, and I just explained my procedures to my boss--who understands the situation better than my co-worker thinks--and every time she's tried, she's failed. What she's doing is trying to deflect attention from her own very poor work and make my boss focus on someone else's "mistakes" (not that I don't make mistakes, but what she's complained to my boss about haven't been mistakes). I think, opposite of what she intends, she makes my boss focus on her negativity and finger-pointing--not to mention her gross misunderstanding of our procedures as she tries to tell my boss what I did wrong when it wasn't wrong. Her mistakes don't go unnoticed, that I know, and it's exactly why she feels she needs to bring others down.

 

[livie1205]

I hit ignore on my cell lol I have a friend who is just a pain...like I will get a pair of uggs and she will say something like oh I had money to get some but I would rather get so and so or I dont like those....or I like coach bags and she will say oh I had a chance to get one but I think they are ugly.If I say we are going to wdw shw will say I dont take my kids there because I hate places like that ect...it never ends.I just HATE it! I never do that to her...it is like she wants to take away my joy of that thing or something, but it doesnt lol

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

If it were a parent who was dependent upon me...

For money? I'd continue to support the parent, but I'd not interact.

For physical care? Being a caregiver is arguably the single most stressful thing you can do. If the parent I were caring for was toxic, then I'd have to make different arrangement. Ultimately, it would be for the safety and welfare of the parent. No one can withstand being treated badly without showing it in some way. I'd research the options in the area, and then regardless of who said what (family wise) the parent would be admitted to the best care facility her/his money could pay for.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

What if its a parent? Specifically a parent who is dependent on you?

My 90+ grandmother is one of those toxic people. Her whole life she has been a miserable person to be around, she's spiteful, mean and vindictive, and it's gotten progressively worse as she ages. Now, my grandfather, a sweet man who has put up with more than his fair share of bs over the course of his lifetime, who has recently succumbed to dementia and is having less and less lucidity these days, has just had to be removed from the home because she had become physically abusive as well.

I don't have much advice for you. My mom is having a hard time dealing with her. It must be sad inside that head of hers to have that much negativity spewing from her pores. This sounds bad, but it seems to help to think of them as having a mental disease of some sort, 'she's crazy, she can't help it' chanted silently in your head. It kind of helps change your anger response to one of pity. And have a good support system that understands who you can sound off to later.

 

[Camicar]

I have worked with Toxic Toms and Poison Pollys quite a few times. What I finally learned from the school of hard knocks is that unless you truly have NO other choice, get away and move on with your life. Eventually, they will win because their capacity for evil and malfeasance is infinite, as is their determination to beat you down. Every time, I tried to be the better person, to rise over it, to find compensatory techniques and every time I was the one who was made sick by them, made to hate my job, caused me to doubt my own self worth, etc. I have now learned to get the heck out of Dodge when you encounter the Toxin Team.

I would not give a pass to a dependent parent, either, esp if the care might be long-term. No one deserves to be verbally abused for any reason. No one deserves to be verbally abused for any reason. No one deserves to be verbally abused for any reason.

 

[Stitchfans]

I try to avoid them and when I really have to talk to them I am short but polite. No eye contact, no dilly dally, just a straight yes, no with a thank you if needed, and move on.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Eventually, they will win because their capacity for evil and malfeasance is infinite, as is their determination to beat you down. Every time, I tried to be the better person, to rise over it, to find compensatory techniques and every time I was the one who was made sick by them, made to hate my job, caused me to doubt my own self worth, etc. I have now learned to get the heck out of Dodge when you encounter the Toxin Team.

Wow, your post really opened my eyes. I try to take the high road when I can (sometimes I can't) and although it is the right thing to do, it takes a little bit away from you. It eats at you and brings you down. It makes you doubt everything you know to be true. I have some tough decisions to make. I feel awful!

 

[rentayenta]

How do you handle toxic people who you can't avoid (a co-worker, a mother, father, neighbor, brother, uncle, aunt)? I know its easy to avoid or remove youself from people who just get on your bad side all the time but what if its someone you have to see every day or every week?? Note: I'm not talking about annoying people but people who you have to walk on eggshells around, who have a chip on their shoulder or are just plain miserable.

Spiritual advice is welcome.

You can avoid all of the above especially the family members. Someone can only be dependent on you if you allow them to be.

 

[ols386]

I think of my step-mother as being toxic, at least in my life. She and my dad live in another state. My dad has had a stroke and hasn't been able to speak for 10 years, and also has emphosyma(sp??) and is on continuous oxygen, so he is a shut-in. He is completely dependent on her, and she does take wonderful care of him. I try to get to see him as often as possible, but am 5 hours driving time, away from him. I think her hatefulness towards me is all about money. She thinks that at some point in time, I'm going to try and get her & my dad's money...and I couldn't care less about that. So I just try to let her nastiness go in one ear and out the other, although sometimes it's hard because when she is hateful to me, it still hurts my feelings, but I have to deal with her in this way, only for my dad's sake, because if I don't have a relationship with her, then I don't have a relationship with him, and I couldn't let that happen. I do try to remember that she does take care of him, and that if she didn't take such good care of him, he probably wouldn't be here now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not good at walking on eggshells. Right now I have an issue with my dad.
I went off on him and he is not talking to me.

I do try but there is only so much I can take.

So if you have someone dependent on you, you will reach "burnout". That is just normal for a caregiver.

You need to include others in the person's care or whatever you are doing. Or give yourself "breaks" depending on your situation.

 

[MAKmom]

How do you handle toxic people who you can't avoid (a co-worker, a mother, father, neighbor, brother, uncle, aunt)? I know its easy to avoid or remove youself from people who just get on your bad side all the time but what if its someone you have to see every day or every week?? Note: I'm not talking about annoying people but people who you have to walk on eggshells around, who have a chip on their shoulder or are just plain miserable.

Spiritual advice is welcome.

Read the Celestine Prophesy

 

[C.Ann]

When it reaches a point where they are having an impact on my physical and mental health, I avoid them completely.. Regardless of who they are or what the "contact" consists of..

 

[loco4dis]

I'd tell it like it is. I don't expect anyone to walk on eggshells around me, so I don't walk on eggshells around anyone else. If I'm being kind, reasonable, etc., and one of these toxic people jumps on me, I let 'em have it — with both barrels. I had a grandmother I took care of who was like this. I just said, "Grandma, I understand people have been putting up with this bad behavior from you your whole life, with everyone always trying not to rock your boat, but I'm not one of those people. You can continue to act this way, in which case you'll sit here alone with nothing but your scowl to keep you company, or you can knock it off." Sometimes she still acted like a petulant child, but mostly she learned to roll with it, because she had to. The thing about toxic relationships is that they take two people to work: the toxic person, and the friend/relative/coworker/etc. who puts up with it. As the latter, you have all the control over whether or not that dynamic continues.

 

[Gagirl69]

I worked with this older lady that was always griping, just very unhappy. Always fussing about our boss. I was diagnosed with MS, so I started my every other day injections. I explained to my boss the side effects of the shots. It takes about 3 months to get used to them. Well, I had been on the shots about a month. I was missing about 2 days a week. It was rough. One day, I'm sittng at my desk working, she's sitting across from me. Another girl was out so she was filling in for her. She was ranting and raving saying how she has been having to fill in for me also. I said, I've had good reason to be out. (not have I have to explain anything to her.) Now, this is coming from someone who has about 2 dr's appt. per week. But, it wasn't my business, so I never said anything. Well, I was emotionally and physically drained. I felt like crap. I was not in the mood for her anymore. So, I walked out the door before it got really ugly. I never went back. They got rid of her not long after that. Now I don't advise anyone to do that if they don't have to. But it was to that point for me. I cried all the way home. This happened this past Jan. She called me the other day. I let it go to voice mail. I still don't want to talk to her. This happened numerous times. She would constantly blow up, then apologize. I would always say, it's ok. Well, you finally say, it's NOT ok. You do not have to put up with Toxic people.

 

[Acklander]

How do you handle toxic people who you can't avoid (a co-worker, a mother, father, neighbor, brother, uncle, aunt)? I know its easy to avoid or remove youself from people who just get on your bad side all the time but what if its someone you have to see every day or every week?? Note: I'm not talking about annoying people but people who you have to walk on eggshells around, who have a chip on their shoulder or are just plain miserable.

Spiritual advice is welcome.

First and foremost - I don't take it personal. Have you read the book,
The Four Agreements"? I recommend it if you deal with difficult people and have a hard time stepping back.

And Second - I consider Toxic people to be the entertainment. If you don't take it personal, you'd be surprised at how highly entertaining these people can be. There is one woman I used to work with that was so self involved that it was actually quite funny. I still meet up with her every few months to get together at lunch just so I can have some more "Oh my gosh, I can't believe she just said that" stories.

 

[MushyMushy]

I avoid as much as humanly possible. I just posted a thread about cutting people out of your life, and there are a lot of posters who have done that! It's such a relief when you don't have to deal with it anymore.

Interestingly, I'm in counseling right now. Part of the thing I'm dealing with (aside from other issues) is recovering from a toxic work environment that I was in recently. My counselor and I have been going round and round about why I thought I was obligated to stay in it rather than leaving when it started to affect me mentally and physically. It only takes one or two negative people to knock you down no matter how strong you think you are.