How do you handle confrontation with friends?

[The Mystery Machine]

Incidentally, tread very carefully because these are your neighbors. It's one thing to change the dynamic with friends or pull away, but living as neighbors puts a level of tension in the mix no one needs.

Bingo right there.

If I was in your situation I would attempt to take the tension and drama DOWN a notch to start with.

One way is to stop talking about it at home with family/friends. That can help to clear the air and your head so to speak.

Continue as if nothing happened. You said you had a good time together despite the "scene". It might blow over.

If you want to chat it up with your two friends and try to repair the issue take them out to lunch. Give them a hug and say it is water under the bridge.

If your dh has a beef, tell him that it is not a big deal anymore so he can move on.

That is how I would handle it. I just don't get that excited anymore over "drama", but then again I am 50. I am in "get over it and move on" camp. I don't have time or patience for feuding neighbor drama.

 

[katie111]

OP here.

Just a few things I wanted to respond to.

I think "confrontation" was probably the wrong word to use. I had no thoughts of taking them out & attacking them for what happened. I really just wanted to discuss it and give them my point of view before any long term damage was done. It sounds like though that the consensus is that this could actually cause more long term damage.

Part of the reason we are such good friends is that we all have DS12's that are best friends and our other kids all get along well. We have been family friends for years and we do a lot together (day trips, skiing, Fri night cocktails, etc). One of the moms is a SAHM like me so we often do walks or lunch together 2-3 times a week. The other friend lives 2 doors away from me. They are not really people that I can easily extricate out of my life and for the most part they have been good friends over the years. The friend who was crying just turned 50 last year and she seems very emotional since then (guessing menopause). Her DH is a jerk & did not come on the trip.

My DH is far from a drama queen. He has a very stressful job & has very little time for much else besides that & family. When he got yelled at he simply told my friend that he wasn't into all the drama & then walked away from her. He just doesn't like to see me upset and wants me to stand up for myself for a change instead of just apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong. I just kind of want to talk it out to see if there was more going on there. I feel like at some point I'm going to be blindsided (like I was last week with the whole condo issue) and for once I want to be prepared. I think they were still mad about the condo set-ups and needed something to be upset about.

Luckily, we own a ski condo and head there every weekend so I don't have to be around them much in the winter. Maybe by spring everything will thaw out.

Thanks for all of the responses and I'm open to any other thoughts.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd just pull away socially and not travel with them again. Actions will speak loud enough. They'll ask what's going on and you can talk about it then, or more likely they probably already know and will just stay bitter but distant.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd just let it go. Depending on how long we've been friends, I'm sure they've put up with some things from me. I understand talking to them because you don't want it to happen again, but I don't understand doing it because "they got to yell and you're just supposed to take it?"

 

[Nancyg56]

I think it all would depend on how I wanted the relationship to move forward. There is no way to go back and address the issue as it occurred, so if I wanted to keep a relationship (I would not) when a situation presented itself, I would discuss what happened and how I felt about it. If I decided the friendship was gone (it would be) I would just forget it. I never waste energy on these discussions if I am done.

As to my husband, sorry...he wants the situation addressed...he needs to handle it himself.

 

[gwynne]

Incidentally, tread very carefully because these are your neighbors. It's one thing to change the dynamic with friends or pull away, but living as neighbors puts a level of tension in the mix no one needs.

OP here.

Just a few things I wanted to respond to.

I think "confrontation" was probably the wrong word to use. I had no thoughts of taking them out & attacking them for what happened. I really just wanted to discuss it and give them my point of view before any long term damage was done. It sounds like though that the consensus is that this could actually cause more long term damage.

Part of the reason we are such good friends is that we all have DS12's that are best friends and our other kids all get along well. We have been family friends for years and we do a lot together (day trips, skiing, Fri night cocktails, etc). One of the moms is a SAHM like me so we often do walks or lunch together 2-3 times a week. The other friend lives 2 doors away from me. They are not really people that I can easily extricate out of my life and for the most part they have been good friends over the years. The friend who was crying just turned 50 last year and she seems very emotional since then (guessing menopause). Her DH is a jerk & did not come on the trip.

My DH is far from a drama queen. He has a very stressful job & has very little time for much else besides that & family. When he got yelled at he simply told my friend that he wasn't into all the drama & then walked away from her. He just doesn't like to see me upset and wants me to stand up for myself for a change instead of just apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong. I just kind of want to talk it out to see if there was more going on there. I feel like at some point I'm going to be blindsided (like I was last week with the whole condo issue) and for once I want to be prepared. I think they were still mad about the condo set-ups and needed something to be upset about.

Luckily, we own a ski condo and head there every weekend so I don't have to be around them much in the winter. Maybe by spring everything will thaw out.

Thanks for all of the responses and I'm open to any other thoughts.

OP, Everyone has tons of reasons why for most things. In the end, you'll have to do what works for you. I think the post I quoted above has some very sound advice. It's one thing to have tension with your group of best buddies from high school, it's a whole 'nuther thing to have tension between neighbors.

Your neighbors aren't likely to appreciate being set straight, even if they deserve it. "Clearing the air" could have long term unpleasant repercussions for you and your family. Sometimes it's wise to just say you were having a bad day, and move on with a smile. They aren't your family. They don't have to be your best friends. But, they can make your life very unpleasant. It's worth considering the value of a fairly cordial relationship with neighbors vs. being right. Quietly give yourself the space to make some changes, be a little less close and over involved, open to some new friends without making it too obvious. And I'd run from another neighborhood trip, but that's me.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP here.

Just a few things I wanted to respond to.

I think "confrontation" was probably the wrong word to use. I had no thoughts of taking them out & attacking them for what happened. I really just wanted to discuss it and give them my point of view before any long term damage was done. It sounds like though that the consensus is that this could actually cause more long term damage.

Part of the reason we are such good friends is that we all have DS12's that are best friends and our other kids all get along well. We have been family friends for years and we do a lot together (day trips, skiing, Fri night cocktails, etc). One of the moms is a SAHM like me so we often do walks or lunch together 2-3 times a week. The other friend lives 2 doors away from me. They are not really people that I can easily extricate out of my life and for the most part they have been good friends over the years. The friend who was crying just turned 50 last year and she seems very emotional since then (guessing menopause). Her DH is a jerk & did not come on the trip.

My DH is far from a drama queen. He has a very stressful job & has very little time for much else besides that & family. When he got yelled at he simply told my friend that he wasn't into all the drama & then walked away from her. He just doesn't like to see me upset and wants me to stand up for myself for a change instead of just apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong. I just kind of want to talk it out to see if there was more going on there. I feel like at some point I'm going to be blindsided (like I was last week with the whole condo issue) and for once I want to be prepared. I think they were still mad about the condo set-ups and needed something to be upset about.

Luckily, we own a ski condo and head there every weekend so I don't have to be around them much in the winter. Maybe by spring everything will thaw out.

Thanks for all of the responses and I'm open to any other thoughts.

Given this update and the long history of friendship--I could see, perhaps, having a heart to heart with the friend who got so upset--not to tell her off for how she behaved but to say she seemed really upset and out of sorts and you are concerned and ask if everything is OK and let her know she can talk to you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DH is far from a drama queen. When he got yelled at he simply told my friend that he wasn't into all the drama & then walked away from her. He just doesn't like to see me upset and wants me to stand up for myself for a change instead of just apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong.

Thanks for all of the responses and I'm open to any other thoughts.

I think I understand your comments about your husband. As a man, to him, handling these kinds of things might mean taking some kind of action... actually doing and saying something to address it. But, as a woman, I think that many of us believe that sometimes the strongest and most effective way of handling things is to acknowledge, yes, the other person is wrong, but they are who they are... and then letting it go. With woman all the 'words' and 'drama' and 'catfights' just make things worse.

IMHO, what he did, stating "I am not getting into this drama and being talked to/yelled at like that..." and walking off, was absolutely PERFECT!!!
That should be enough to convey your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
That should be enough, for now.
If you agree, let him know that. Tell him you are proud/happy with his reaction.

If you have, AT ALL, been apologizing for these types of situations. Or if an apology is one option that is on the table, then I do have to agree with your husband. If my husband's friends and family were to try to control me and yell at me like that, and he then APOLOGIZED to them, instead of making a simple stand and then walking away (exactly as your husband did) then I could see how I would have a problem with that.

 

[mjkacmom]

So, two different families got mad at you because you didn't want to switch and be in a condo with them. Did they assume that your family is closer to their families than the families you chose to stay with? Did they perceive that you were picking another social group over them?

There is a woman in our circle who gets jealous if those she feels closest to get friendlier with other families, even in the same circle (and yes, there have been tears!) In her case, bringing it up would not help.