How do you handle confrontation with friends?

[katie111]

I personally hate it and shy away from it as much as I can. My Dh wants me to confront some friends and I really don't want to do it.

A little background. We did a ski trip this weekend with a large group of friends (8 couples & 18 kids). We rented 3 condos. Before the trip, 2 of our friends thought we would be in a condo with them. When the room assignments came out, we were in a different condo. Our friends called us & wanted us to ask to move. We refused as the condo we were in was a better dynamic for us (kids closer to my daughter's age and quieter kids so I knew my boys could get some sleep). I was made to feel insanely guilty for not moving because one of my friend's daughter's was upset that her & my daughter were not together (they are 4 years apart in age, my DD is 13, she is 9). Once we got on the trip, these 2 friends caused a huge scene one night. One was crying because we didn't wait for them to walk to dinner & the other one was yelling at my husband & another friend about it. They were also making snarky comments about how apparently we were all "sitting by condo". It was ridiculous. One friend is clearly still holding a grudge, the other one seems okay.

My DH wants me to go to dinner with them & confront them. He thinks their be behavior both before & during the trip was ridiculous (which it was) and he's pissed that he got yelled at for something he had nothing to do with. We are all neighbors and I am closer to these 2 friends than anyone else that was on the trip. The 2 other friends that were in my condo are just ready to stop being friends with them.

It's so much like high school drama that even writing about it seems ridiculous. My DH just feels like they got to yell at us & be pissed at us but we're just supposed to take it & not say anything? I really just want it to blow over, but with one friend still holding a grudge, I'm not sure that's going to happen.

What would you do?

I should mention that the rest of the trip was a blast. Everyone else got along great and we had an awesome time beside this drama.

 

[gwynne]

8 couples and 18 kids? Room assignments? I think you must have known you what you signed on for. It sounds like a neighborhood went to sleep away camp. I'd move on and plan my own trips from here on out. FWIW, I'd skip the confrontation. It will only add to the drama.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'd probably talk it out with my friends, but not over dinner. I would just say that arrangements were already made and I didn't want to rock the boat.

It does sound like high school. I tell my daughter the childishness doesn't always end in high school - be prepared to have to deal with it at college, too, and later, at work, in social circles, etc.

We had a similar trip once, in two condos. Arrangements weren't ideal (I had to sleep in the living room with all the boys in the group, on a couch, and I barely slept, lol), but I didn't complain. It was a good trip anyway. Why can't people just learn to appreciate the moment? Life is too short for pettiness. Those years went by so fast, and two of DS's best friends have since moved away, so I'm glad our memories aren't tainted with memories of an argument or hard feelings.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I personally hate it and shy away from it as much as I can. My Dh wants me to confront some friends and I really don't want to do it.

A little background. We did a ski trip this weekend with a large group of friends (8 couples & 18 kids). We rented 3 condos. Before the trip, 2 of our friends thought we would be in a condo with them. When the room assignments came out, we were in a different condo. Our friends called us & wanted us to ask to move. We refused as the condo we were in was a better dynamic for us (kids closer to my daughter's age and quieter kids so I knew my boys could get some sleep). I was made to feel insanely guilty for not moving because one of my friend's daughter's was upset that her & my daughter were not together (they are 4 years apart in age, my DD is 13, she is 9). Once we got on the trip, these 2 friends caused a huge scene one night. One was crying because we didn't wait for them to walk to dinner & the other one was yelling at my husband & another friend about it. They were also making snarky comments about how apparently we were all "sitting by condo". It was ridiculous. One friend is clearly still holding a grudge, the other one seems okay.

My DH wants me to go to dinner with them & confront them. He thinks their be behavior both before & during the trip was ridiculous (which it was) and he's pissed that he got yelled at for something he had nothing to do with. We are all neighbors and I am closer to these 2 friends than anyone else that was on the trip. The 2 other friends that were in my condo are just ready to stop being friends with them.

It's so much like high school drama that even writing about it seems ridiculous. My DH just feels like they got to yell at us & be pissed at us but we're just supposed to take it & not say anything? I really just want it to blow over, but with one friend still holding a grudge, I'm not sure that's going to happen.

What would you do?

I would not have a confrontation--the trip is over and done with, bringing it back up is not going to help.

I would also decline any future invitations to travel together. It doesn't seem to work well for that group (and, really, I agree with a PP about those numbers--sounds like a recipe for issues, IMO)

 

[piccolopat]

You weren't responsible for room assignments, right? There was nothing stopping your friend from asking that her family be moved to your condo or even asking whoever organized the trip to put your families together in the first place. In reality, moving anyone at that time would probably have meant a major reshuffling of everyone and that just wouldn't be fair to anyone else. It's also unrealistic to expect a 13 year to want to hang out with a 9 year old. And what is with the crying drama just because you didn't walk to dinner together? Families vacationing together should know that everyone won't be glued to each other. Sounds like your friend had unrealistic expectations. I wouldn't confront her, and certainly not while out to dinner. I would have her to the house for lunch and let her know that you were disappointed in how she treated you and your family and then see what she says.

 

[LinderInWonderland]

One thing I have learned over the years with my friends and family is not to suffer in silence. It doesn't need to be an argument, but if something upsets you and you keep it pushed down, it almost always breaks out much later when you have reached your limit. Another thing I have learned is that high school never really ends and keeps popping out when you least expect it. (See: cliquish behavior in assisted living facilities as seen from my grandmother and mother-in-law.)

Personally, I feel that if your husband is angry, he is the one who should let them know where he stands. Being married, I understand that it's going to fall on you since they are female friends. I wouldn't make a special event out of telling them how you feel. I am quite sure one or both of them will bring it up to you and you can let them know you were disappointed in their behavior. Even if they don't bring it up, you can still let them know the next time you see them.

 

[cabanafrau]

Trying to understand why people who act this way are the people you feel closest to? One "friend" is blatantly only concerned for her daughter's feelings, clearly seeing it that the needs of your family overall are less important than what her daughter wanted. The not walking to dinner together seems like a petty, controlling complaint as well. Why again are these your closest friends in the group?

 

[TipsyTraveler]

You said "my husband wants me to confront some friends... my husband wants me to go to dinner...." Does he plan to be involved? I'd tell him that he's free to do whatever he wants but I'm not going to do his dirty work for him.

 

[diznygirl]

The time to address it was when it happened. I wouldn't schedule a time for you guys to have your say. That's not to say you have to let it go. If it's brought up again, you can start with apologizing for any misunderstanding for things that were out of your control. If that doesn't stop it, a quick, knock it off you are being childish should. Good luck with this family! Sounds like you have to start cutting back on your dealings with them.

 

[DawnM]

I have been in a situation of something somewhat similar, and I have to say, you confronting them is not going to change anything, in fact, it may fuel the fire. They know exactly what happened and they have their own opinion of the course of events and what took place.

I wouldn't bother.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

With my friends, the angry one would probably sock someone in the mouth, that person would hit back. There'd be some yelling & cursing, and when it all died down, we'd have a couple cold ones & never mention it again. 'Course that was a LONG time ago & any such drama hasn't carried into adulthood.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A confrontation will only add to the negativity and drama... (especially since it sounds like this person is immature and full of drama)

When people show you who they are (middle school or pre-teen self-absorbed drama queens, on the same level as their 9 year old) Believe them.

My thoughts: Mental note to self... these people will behave in this manner...
Then, be proactive about how you go into any further interactions.

 

[cabanafrau]

Incidentally, tread very carefully because these are your neighbors. It's one thing to change the dynamic with friends or pull away, but living as neighbors puts a level of tension in the mix no one needs.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Op I'd be embarrassed to admit I hang around with adults who behave like high school drama queens, your husband included. But the one who cried because you didn't wait to walk with them to dinner needs professional help.

 

[Kellykins1218]

This is one of the many reasons why I refuse every time my husband says we should try to get his whole family to go to Disney World with us. He just wants to have other people chip in for a condo. He doesn't think any farther than that. I've been on trips like that when I was younger. Never again!

 

[Lynne M]

If by confrontation, your husband means "berate them for being bad traveling companions," I don't see the point. Except maybe for him to feel vindicated. It'll just add a lot of drama to a situation that already has too much.

I think many of us on the boards have been in a similar situation; this place is hip-deep in "OMG, I'm NEVER going to travel with these people again!" posts. And that's what you do. I've learned that some of my friends make great traveling companions, and some don't; I don't travel with the ones that don't. Now you know that these big-group vacations aren't any fun with this particular set of friends, so you don't go. Lesson learned.

 

[sk!mom]

I wouldn't stage a formal confrontation but then I also wouldn't plan anymore group trips with the two who created drama. They would get the message when they weren't invited next time. I'm willing to put up with a little drama from family but will except zero from most people.

I'm sure that they have a completely different take on the trip and confrontation will just be more drama.

As far as your DH, he should have stood up for himself when he was yelled at.

 

[NewRVLady]

Wow- I would not go back with these couples on a trip !!
I have fond memories of camping trips with a bunch of my parents friends it was always so much fun ! One time all of our tents blew down during a storm and we rented a house and all of us slept in a big room on the floor and it was the best time ever !

 

[rwdavis2]

Scrape'm off, move on. Good grief.

 

[VandVsmama]

Your friends were really childish! And it sounds like they also took some lessons from all of those "Real Housewives of ___" shows. Don't travel with them again. Their true colors came out on that trip. Something tells me that they probably did you a favor by showing their true nature to everyone. They were jealous and passive-aggressive over really stupid things. If YOU want to confront them on their ridiculous behavior, then you should. But if you don't want to and your DH does, then HE should confront them on it.

And yes, ideally, that confrontation should have happened in the moment that the verbal altercations were occurring.

However, their behavior clearly bothered you and DH. And if you really and truly want to salvage the friendship and if your friendship with them is based on honesty, caring, & mutual respect, then in an ideal world, you should be able to have a heart-to-heart discussion with them about this. Know, of course, that they will probably not like what you have to say to them.

You know how the old saying goes - bird of a feather flock together. Choose wisely.