How do you get over mistrust? (long & involving)

[Cindy B]

This thread is going to be very hard to write. In fact it has been in my head for about five months, and just now, I am getting the courage to speak about it. I'm still hurt, and learning to heal.

Back in 1990, my then fiance and I were invited by some friends to go to a church which was very different than what we were used to. It was, and still is, very different, all races, the members were off all different economic backgrounds, vibrant preaching and amazing singing. It was basically what we were seeking at the time (friendships, sense of belonging, etc.. ).


So, in 1992 we became members. For two years, we attended services, etc, and then made a decision to get baptised, after reading and studying scriptures. I was young, not quite 21, a newlywed, and this was a great thing for me.

We had the opportunity to move to Cleveland for a great career opportunity for DH... and also help on a mission team. Those times in Cleveland were amazing. We went on a recent visit there, and my heart ached to be back there....


We moved back to the Philly area due to corporate downsizing. Since we moved we weren't happy with the leadership of the church, but we weren't sure if it was "just us"... we brought it up to others, and we were told "it was our perception". We just silenty lived with it for many years. Why we didn't leave then, I don't know... I know all the good the church did for our marriage, and how we helped others... I know there still is many greathearted people, and some very great hearts that want to do the best!

Flash forward to February 2003. A church leader in another church wrote an open letter to all the congregations (over 100), stating things that we had seen for years, off an on. This letter brought up so many things that the rank and file members didn't know...
things like harsh accoutabilty, false reporting of financial and attendance data, inaccurate records, etc.... There were other things such as how some scripture were interpreted or misinterpreted. Since this letter, some of the stances on doctrinal issues have been changed.. and that is upsetting to me. Some of the scriptures have been twisted. Also it has been reported about ministry salary is very high, not the usual "pauper" salary.


It broke my heart... these are people I trusted and loved! The improprieties are not only shameful, but we were lied to... I can't believe for 13 years I have been here, and not known this. How could ministry staff willingly do this? I am so hurt! Money that was earmarked for a Missions Contribution has been going to other areas.. we were lied to....


Its hard to digest it all. I would never have expected this, but now my heart is like, well... what else can happen?

It's hard to thing that these decent people weren't so "decent"...
I've spent a long time crying about this... we were very committed members, and to see this...

Now we aren't going. To leave something after a long time, does cause heartache.

 

[msteddom]

Cindy,
The situation you descibed is an awful one. No wonder you are dealing with trust issues. The title of your thread caught my eye because I'm dealing with some trust issues of my own but not nearly to the extent that you are. I guess my only adivce is to trust yourself. You said that had the feeling that things weren't quite right. It still must have been so shocking when you learned the truth. Just have faith that you will find another place that feels just as right as the one you were in. Good luck!

 

[disneyluvers]

Cindy B,

My heart aches for you to have lost something so precious. Please believe, as I have been through this, that you must believe in yourself. Think about all of the good things you saw - the sense of belonging that felt so right among the members - the diversity of people of different backgrounds creating a harmonious understanding of life - the good people that still have the basic core of the church in their hearts. Bad things do happen to good people. Good people (ones that also rely on their faith in times of adversity) look for all the good that they can find and they hold onto it tightly and use it to mend the bad. Read ... Read and listen to the words. Have strength to mourn what once was and have the strength to make the new better.

Michele

Have Hope ((((((Hugs))))))

 

[Serena]

I'm sorry Cindy, I don't have any advice. I'm going through stuff myself and I have no idea how to deal with it. I just wake up each day and do what I have to do.

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[DemonLlama]

As a Christian, I think you will have to look to the true owner of the church -- Christ. That's the only place your trust will never be falsely placed. Don't let man get between you and Him.

Our church is only locally organized preceisely because of the human temptation to abuse power. This doesn't stop individuals from doing awful things, but it has minimized the fallout.

My prayers are with you that your faith will become stronger because of these trials. Read Phillipians soon, and try to rediscover the joy of your salvation

 

[RUDisney]

This is something that alot of Catholics are going through, too. It seems like every parent that I talk to from my kids' school feels the same way.

We have a bishop who is more hell-bent on closing churches and schools than about trying to bolster attendance and participation. The pastor of the church has single-handedly stopped the church picnic, got the bishop to decide to close our school, and is now set on taking away the food tent at the annual Novena. Yet, this same man pleads poverty and says that we can't afford anything.

The situation isn't so simple. There are three entities to the church. The first is the Basilican priests. The parish used to own the church, but when it was made a Basilica, the parish had to give up ownership to the Basilica, but still has to maintain and make improvements to the church in addition to paying rent to the Basilica. The parish and the school are the same entity and the Basilica does not support the school. The children are only the future of the church, why should it focus on them when it can build new facilities and erect new grottos and statues? The third entity is a media company. That is self-sufficient.

No one wants to go to Masses that the pastor preaches at. There is such a bitterness in the hearts of the parishoners toward him. The provinicial doesn't want to move him to another parish, so there he stays and the parish continues to suffer.

Am I bitter and do I feel deceived? Yes. Especially after everything else that has gone on in the church in this past year. Catholics everywhere are paying for the pedophilic acts of priests whom they trusted. Yet, the Diocese doesn't want to change in this area and instead of investing in what is important to the many, they are investing money in the grounds and curb appeal of the churches.

Thankfully, our bishop will be retiring this year and hopefully, there will be a more level-headed person who takes his place.

I'm sorry you're questioning things in your faith the way that I am questioning mine.

 

[believe]

Unfortunately there are times that the body of Christ falls away from the path they need to trod. A friend of my recently left her church, her husband was a deacon, for these same reasons. They are serving at another church, it took a lot of searching but they were able to find one where they felt the path was right. I will be praying for you and the church, as I hope others will be also.

 

[Serena]

I just edited this to go back to {{{hugs}}}.

 

[RUDisney]

My question of faith is in Catholicism, not of my faith in Christ. There are just so many times that I wonder if I'm in the "right" religion for me, or if we're just going through a lousy spell in our leadership.

There is a Presbyterian church behind our house and the people seem so much happier going in and out of the church than the parishoners at our church.... but then I think that the grass isn't always greener.

 

[browneyes]

Have you spoken with your Pastor about all this? Do you feel comfortable talking with him about it?

I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way.

 

[jfranklyn]

Cindy - first let me say that I'm so sorry for what you have gone through with your church. I think that we just naturally think that we can always trust Christians and unfortunately, that's not always the case.

In our church (a small church that is part of a large denomination in mainline protestantism), there are very strict accountability rules - for just the reasons that you describe. First of all, when it comes to finances - every member knows how much comes in and exactly where it goes. Other than "who gives what" - which is considered private information that only the Financial Secretary knows - all financial information is publicly shared (via year-end reports, etc). Also, the minister's (my husband) salary and benefits are included in this information - so there is no place to hide any tricky bookeeping - or high salaries.

Does this mean that all our members are good upstanding individuals? No. I know for a fact we have alcoholics, thieves, adulterers - you name it - amongst our small group. I can deal with all that - knowing that God will judge - I don't have to. But when it gets personal, like you described, it can be very hurtful. I have known too many churches that have gone through experiences like yours - and it's such a terrible thing. My heart goes out to you. But please don't write off the church entirely. Not all of them are like the ones you describe.

 

[PammyK]

The problem with individual congregations/parishes/diocese is that the leaders and members are human. As humans they are fallible and subject to temptation. Alas, many do succumb. And unfortunately, those in leadership positions - pastors, council members, etc - tend to have the most responibility and are subject to the most temptation. Lets face it...when a church is thriving, there is someone out there who just hates that and will do anything to stop it. What better way than to attack the congregation via its leaders? Cause chaos in the leadership and the rest often crumbles. The advantage of this is that many many people don't just give up on that particular congregation, they give up on their faith altogether.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope that you will be able to find peace.

 

[Cindy B]

RU I definetely know how you feel.... Its not my relationship with Christ, but the entity to which I belonged. As you know, independent bible study is not the easiest thing.. (Who else do you know got bogged down by Deuteronomy!), it is much "easier" or "less confusion" when a group is involved.

Its hard for me to see this happen. I have read the Bible cover to cover, many times over. I know there are splits, and people following people.. I Corinthians talks about it.. "Some follow Apollos, some follow Paul"

It just hard to see the trust you had within spiritual people decay. I thought our church was "different" and "above reproach". Unfortunately I was naive and deceived. I am now struggling with bitterness.

I just don't want to be "guilty by association" when improprities are being brought out in the limelight. Its already happening in other congregations, and I feel where I was /am will be next.


I spent 13 years. I can't get those 13 years back, no matter how hard I try. And I don't even want to think about the tithing, and missions contributions... yes, you can't expect a "return on investment", like a corporation.. but when you find out improprieties have occurred... It just makes my blood boil!

 

[Rajah]

Can't really say too much to help you, because it's because of similar things that I've stopped believing in religion. Note: religion, NOT Christ/God/the Holy Spirit. Honestly, I think if Christ were to return today and look at the state of the churches who follow him, he wouldn't be too happy...

All I can say is keep your faith in the only part that matters: God/Christ/Spirit. Don't look back on those times and that money as wasted money. God knows what you meant the money to go to -- it's not your fault it was misused.

 

[Planogirl]

I look at experiences such as these as learning experiences in their own way. It sounds like you found a comfortable church, that you learned and enjoyed, and did what felt right in your heart. You've done all that you could and all you can do now is move on. I know that this doesn't relieve the sense of betrayal but that too will ease with time. Remember that most of these people probably meant well but just wandered down the wrong path somehow.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

 

[Kimickey]

As a Christian, I think you will have to look to the true owner of the church -- Christ. That's the only place your trust will never be falsely placed. Don't let man get between you and Him.

I'm very sorry about what has happend and how you feel. Understand that some churches are corrupt but not all though and your trust must solely be in Christ. Lots of hugs to you!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As a Catholic I don't think I will ever be "over" their practices and policies. I do feel lied too as well. It took a few years but I finally came to terms with the situations at hand.
I feel that I had to seperate the business or political agendas from my own personal practice of my religion.
It sounds very tough to be in your position. {HUGS}