How do you find a marriage councelor?

[kamik86]

I have thought that we might need one in the past, but now I'm just not sure what to do anymore so I really think its time I look into this more seriously.

Now at this point I have gotten the REAL question out but people will ask whats going on and honestly I'm going to tell you because I almost want to hear how there could be something mentally wrong with him because its better then believing that he lied to me this much and isn't sorry about it at all. If you don't feel like the drama and just want to answer the above question you can skip the rest of this.

DH upset me last night and we got in a huge fight this morning. I know I did some things I shouldn't have, but I'm just not sure how to deal with him sometimes.

This is probably going to sound stupid and minor it really is but I asked DH yesterday to make sure he took care of all the cat litter boxes (we have 3 cats one who won't go in actual litter and would use the floor more then she still does if not given separate empty boxes so we have quite a few boxes) before he went to bed. He was supposed to do this yesterday but didn't then and I had a grad school class to get done and he was just playing a video game. I did nag a bit and he got a bit upset and said it would get done. So I dropped it.

A few hours later I'm ready to go to bed. I remind him one last time and go to bed. AT 12:15 he comes to bed. He woke me up so I asked if he got it done, he said he did.

Well I couldn't get back to sleep (I'm a bit sick, I have a cold that won't quit and now if I cough for sneeze one of my ribs hurts, it also tends to hurt at night so its harder to sleep then normally sleeping with a cold) so I got up. Now he has done things like this before and I was pretty sure he didn't actually do the chores so I checked. He didn't do it.I still couldn't sleep and I was angry at him for not doing this, I have been so busy lately with a full time job and grad school and he was just playing the video game, he told me he beat it when he went to bed. So I was upset about him lying too. Plus they were really gross so I got up and cleaned them all because the cats shouldn't not be taken care of just for me to make a point about making him do this (if I hadn't then they wouldn't have gotten done until tonight since we don't have time in the morning). I then end up awake for a while thinking about this because I still can't sleep. Eventually I manage to go back to bed for a bit.

So morning comes. This was my big mistake I bring this up almost as soon as the alarm goes off. I was still upset about it. He tells me that "He really thought he did it." There was 3 hours between when I went to bed and he did, and he wasn't drinking or anything... how can you not remember if you did something that would take half an hour to do! Maybe you could have thought you plugged in yoru cell phone when you didn't but this?

So we get ready in pretty much silence and start the long drive in to work. My DH almost never talks to me especially about disagreements or anything. However I try to get him to talk about this. He doesn't want to talk and pretty much doesn't say anything besides that he knows I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway that I haven't been able to sleep and that he thinks I'm just being cranky because I didn't sleep. (Side note as I pointed out to him this is NOT our first fight over him not helping with house work especially when I'm so busy with grad school, this is also not the first time we have discussed how much I hate people lying to me, this one I'm pretty sure was discussed before we dated more then a month.)

Later he claims he didn't stay up that long to beat the game he stayed up that long because he wanted to give me time to be completely asleep and not toss and turn because I don't feel well and wake him up. AT this point he admits that he was done with the main game early and was just playing around with other random stuff to kill time. Of course killing time didn't involve his chores. At this point he admits that it completely slipped his mind, he didn't feel like doing it when I mentioned it and just lied and didn't think it through. Note he also has never apologized for any of this, the not getting stuff done, the lying any of it. He is just mad at me for starting yelling at him so early (Yes admitted this was a mistake).

So at this point I have a DH that lied to me multiple times, and isn't in the least bit sorry he did this. Not to mention the original issue of him not doing house work which I don't know how to approach anymore because if I don't remind him constantly he won't do it and if I do he just gets mad at me and doesn't do it or does it in a complete huff. This has happened so many times that I just don't want to deal with it anymore and then adding in the lying makes it so much worse.

However I was trying to figure out what I can do and the only things that I can think of are to deal with it as is, do everything myself which will just make me resentful and have other issues, or leave him which I don't really want to do over household chores. So the only thing else was counseling which brings me back to the original question after this REALLY long post that no one is probably reading anymore.

 

[worm761]

Have you thought about dividing the household duties? I know you asked him and he didn't do it but maybe it isn't something he "likes" doing. I wouldn't change a cat litter box therefore I don't have cats. If DH wants a cat, he will be the one cleaning that box. Not me. So that may be an issue for him. Are they your cats or his?

Also, calling them chores and getting upset because he didn't do them exactly when you asked him to sounds like you treat him more like your child than your husband. Just an observation. You also need to learn to let go of things. Pick your battles. Is this the hill you are willing to kill your marriage on? Serious question.

While I completely get hating to be lied to, I don't think white lies (I forgot, oops) are the same as big bold lies. You seem to harbor the white lies. Let them go. I promise you are not 100% honest 100% of the time. No one is. You are not perfect and neither is he. Accept him and love him as the way he is.

As for how to find a therapist, try the phone book. Try Googling them. Some have customer comments. If you have a friend that has been to one, try asking them. You are young though so I doubt it.
And lastly, good luck!

 

[goofyintoronto]

So most of the resentment and fighting is about chores? He's not helping out as much as he should? Thats the bottom line?

 

[Swank]

Get this worked out now. If you plan to have kids it may get way worse. He needs to man up now. You know I love video games a lot, but my family comes first, it is time for him to grow up and take responsibility. There is no play until all the work is done.

 

[HM]

I have a feeling he was this way at home with his Mom and Dad. Saying he'd get to it and then not doing whatever the chore was and then Mom/Dad doing it for him. Hard to break bad habits.

Sorry something seemingly so minor is having such an impact on your marriage. I don't have any advise about how to find a counselor, but I do think you should get one. These are the types of things they seem to be able to work out really well (Good Housekeeping has a counselor section each month).

 

[goofyintoronto]

Have you thought about dividing the household duties? I know you asked him and he didn't do it but maybe it isn't something he "likes" doing. I wouldn't change a cat litter box therefore I don't have cats. If DH wants a cat, he will be the one cleaning that box. Not me. So that may be an issue for him. Are they your cats or his?

Also, calling them chores and getting upset because he didn't do them exactly when you asked him to sounds like you treat him more like your child than your husband. Just an observation. You also need to learn to let go of things. Pick your battles. Is this the hill you are willing to kill your marriage on? Serious question.

While I completely get hating to be lied to, I don't think white lies (I forgot, oops) are the same as big bold lies. You seem to harbor the white lies. Let them go. I promise you are not 100% honest 100% of the time. No one is. You are not perfect and neither is he. Accept him and love him as the way he is.

As for how to find a therapist, try the phone book. Try Googling them. Some have customer comments. If you have a friend that has been to one, try asking them. You are young though so I doubt it.
And lastly, good luck!

I totally agree with the above. I hate to say it, but nobody likes a nag. I dont respond well to nagging either. It definitely sounds like your acting more like his mom than his spouse. If the litter box is such a huge deal, why dont you take turns changing it? Or like the OP said above, figure out together what chores he likes doing and what chores you like doing. Split them that way. But its true that habits are hard to break. As he was most likely this way with his parents too.

Nobody likes being lied to. But i think your making mountains out of molehills. Little white lies are totally different than a bold lie, as said above. He was probably tired and wanted to hit the sack without fighting and nagging, which is why he told you what you wanted to hear in order to keep you quiet. Thats my guess.

You definitely need to learn to pick your battles. Dont sweat the small stuff, like is too short to get stressed out over little things.

There must be other serious underlying issues for you to want to see a marriage counsellor. This cant just be about household chores. As the OP said above, look in your yellow pages or better yet, ask your doctor. Good luck!

 

[aaarcher86]

I'm actually of almost the exact opposite opinion of the above poster on mos things

I would agree to splitting chores, or at least giving that route a chance. It's how me and the hubs found some harmony in the household duties - and he probably got the short end of the stick on it

I don't actually think it was wrong of you to get upset about him not cleaning the litter boxes. You've already admitted that it's a small issue, but it's a recurring issue and that's one of the reasons you're so upset about it. Plus, in my opinion, you didn't really get upset that he didn't do it when you told him to. You asked him a few times and then let it go giving him the opportunity to do it on his own time and he neglected to do so.

I also don't think this is a white lie. At least to me, white lies are something innocent - telling a pregnant woman she doesn't look fat, telling a child she did a great job in a soccer game to build some confidence, etc. Your husband saying he did something that he didn't do is just a lie. He lied because he didn't want to get into an argument about it. I don't think it's a little thing honestly, and I wouldn't accept it if my husband did it. If he'd lie about changing cat litter to get out of an argument why wouldn't he lie about a bigger issue to avoid a bigger argument. KWIM? If it's a constant thing, I can see why this would put you over the edge, little thing or not. There's always a breaking point.

I do agree that no one is perfect, and people should love each other - flaws and all..... but I don't think lying falls into that category.

I'd agree that looking in the phone book and online at reviews are your best option if you don't want to ask anyone personally. Marriage counseling isn't a death sentence in my opinion. Even though no one is ready to sign the papers tomorrow doesn't mean you can't try to nip a few problems in the bud that are bothering you this much. I'm sure this isn't the only reason you're thinking about a counselor.

Good luck!

 

[Disneychix]

You've been stressed and overworked between school, work and taking care of the house. Plus you are sick. I think the scenerio above is not the worst thing in the world. I probably wouldn't fault your DH too much for the whole 'lying' about playing the video game and not coming to bed until late-he was mad at you for nagging him and obvisouly needed some time for himself. Then he does come to bed 3 hours later and you still nagged him about the litter. He just wanted you to sleep-of course he lied.

I would chalk this all up to you needing some rest and help. Perhaps letting this die down for a day or two and then approaching your DH with your feelings would be better at this point.

 

[Bob NC]

Does he like the cats?

Were they HIS cats?

Does he resent taking care of these cats?

 

[Sadie22]

How do you find a marriage counselor? You can inquire about what is available to you through your educational institution. If you belong to a faith organization, you can ask your pastor. You can check to see whether you or your husband have mental health counseling as a separate employment benefit or as part of health insurance, and if so, whether marriage counseling is covered. If it is, then you would find providers that accept that plan and call them for an appointment. You can ask your medical provider for recommendations. You can ask friends. You can go to therapy by yourself.

My husband needs time to himself to unwind and mull over problems at work. He does this while raking leaves or picking up sticks from our wooded yard. He also needs to do this after we have a disagreement. Some therapists call this going into the man cave. If he does not get this time, he is cranky.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

He sounds like another little boy. You are being his mother, not his wife. Again, I suggest marriage counseling. If nothing else, it'll show you things will never change and you can base whether or not you stay with him on how things REALLY are/will be rather than hoping he will change and then he never does.

You are stuck on a not merry go-round and unless YOU start to change how you react, things will just continue to go around and around and around. All you can do is try to get an insight into what you are doing to help create this and change it, HE will have to do his part in changing too. If either or neither of you change it, you will need to decide what you are willing to continue to put up with.

Good luck and a

 

[katie26]

If he'd lie about changing cat litter to get out of an argument why wouldn't he lie about a bigger issue to avoid a bigger argument. KWIM?

I disagree - I think lying about the cat litter is more of a white lie. Not that lying in general is great, but this is definitely the kind of thing I sometimes lie about. Like the other day, my boyfriend texted to ask if I put the duvet cover on our freshly dry-cleaned comforter before I got into bed. Lying underneath the un-duvet-covered comforter, I texted back, "yep!" Then I got up and put the cover on. Why did I do that? Because I didn't want to endure a ten minute lecture about getting the comforter dirty. Does that mean I'd lie about a bigger issue? No way.

OP, it sounds like a counselor would be a great way for you and your DH to negotiate the household chores and to think about both of your communication styles. You might want to start by doing a google search for marriage and family counselors in your area and reading some reviews online.

 

[Jcricket Fan]

Marriage & Family therapy looks into the systems you have in place that allow you to function in healthy or non-healthy ways.

It is not just the litter boxes there are patterns of behavior/thought in place that you both react/respond to that are the deeper issue. A marriage counselor can help you. If your DH won't go for now you can still go alone and the therapist will work with you taking into consideration the family system/dynamics that you are dealing with.

I wish you well.
Colleen

 

[Snowflakey]

Why don't you take care of the cats as they shouldn't be the ones to suffer and you seem more responsible for this and have your DH do things like do his own laundry....then if he "forgets" he will eventually run out of clothes to wear

 

[HelenePA]

I have thought that we might need one in the past, but now I'm just not sure what to do anymore so I really think its time I look into this more seriously.

Now at this point I have gotten the REAL question out but people will ask whats going on and honestly I'm going to tell you because I almost want to hear how there could be something mentally wrong with him because its better then believing that he lied to me this much and isn't sorry about it at all. If you don't feel like the drama and just want to answer the above question you can skip the rest of this.

DH upset me last night and we got in a huge fight this morning. I know I did some things I shouldn't have, but I'm just not sure how to deal with him sometimes.

This is probably going to sound stupid and minor it really is but I asked DH yesterday to make sure he took care of all the cat litter boxes (we have 3 cats one who won't go in actual litter and would use the floor more then she still does if not given separate empty boxes so we have quite a few boxes) before he went to bed. He was supposed to do this yesterday but didn't then and I had a grad school class to get done and he was just playing a video game. I did nag a bit and he got a bit upset and said it would get done. So I dropped it.

A few hours later I'm ready to go to bed. I remind him one last time and go to bed. AT 12:15 he comes to bed. He woke me up so I asked if he got it done, he said he did.

Well I couldn't get back to sleep (I'm a bit sick, I have a cold that won't quit and now if I cough for sneeze one of my ribs hurts, it also tends to hurt at night so its harder to sleep then normally sleeping with a cold) so I got up. Now he has done things like this before and I was pretty sure he didn't actually do the chores so I checked. He didn't do it.I still couldn't sleep and I was angry at him for not doing this, I have been so busy lately with a full time job and grad school and he was just playing the video game, he told me he beat it when he went to bed. So I was upset about him lying too. Plus they were really gross so I got up and cleaned them all because the cats shouldn't not be taken care of just for me to make a point about making him do this (if I hadn't then they wouldn't have gotten done until tonight since we don't have time in the morning). I then end up awake for a while thinking about this because I still can't sleep. Eventually I manage to go back to bed for a bit.

So morning comes. This was my big mistake I bring this up almost as soon as the alarm goes off. I was still upset about it. He tells me that "He really thought he did it." There was 3 hours between when I went to bed and he did, and he wasn't drinking or anything... how can you not remember if you did something that would take half an hour to do! Maybe you could have thought you plugged in yoru cell phone when you didn't but this?

So we get ready in pretty much silence and start the long drive in to work. My DH almost never talks to me especially about disagreements or anything. However I try to get him to talk about this. He doesn't want to talk and pretty much doesn't say anything besides that he knows I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway that I haven't been able to sleep and that he thinks I'm just being cranky because I didn't sleep. (Side note as I pointed out to him this is NOT our first fight over him not helping with house work especially when I'm so busy with grad school, this is also not the first time we have discussed how much I hate people lying to me, this one I'm pretty sure was discussed before we dated more then a month.)

Later he claims he didn't stay up that long to beat the game he stayed up that long because he wanted to give me time to be completely asleep and not toss and turn because I don't feel well and wake him up. AT this point he admits that he was done with the main game early and was just playing around with other random stuff to kill time. Of course killing time didn't involve his chores. At this point he admits that it completely slipped his mind, he didn't feel like doing it when I mentioned it and just lied and didn't think it through. Note he also has never apologized for any of this, the not getting stuff done, the lying any of it. He is just mad at me for starting yelling at him so early (Yes admitted this was a mistake).

So at this point I have a DH that lied to me multiple times, and isn't in the least bit sorry he did this. Not to mention the original issue of him not doing house work which I don't know how to approach anymore because if I don't remind him constantly he won't do it and if I do he just gets mad at me and doesn't do it or does it in a complete huff. This has happened so many times that I just don't want to deal with it anymore and then adding in the lying makes it so much worse.

However I was trying to figure out what I can do and the only things that I can think of are to deal with it as is, do everything myself which will just make me resentful and have other issues, or leave him which I don't really want to do over household chores. So the only thing else was counseling which brings me back to the original question after this REALLY long post that no one is probably reading anymore.

the rule people the rule!

OP ... Good Luck! I gave up that fight a long time ago..

 

[aaarcher86]

I disagree - I think lying about the cat litter is more of a white lie. Not that lying in general is great, but this is definitely the kind of thing I sometimes lie about. Like the other day, my boyfriend texted to ask if I put the duvet cover on our freshly dry-cleaned comforter before I got into bed. Lying underneath the un-duvet-covered comforter, I texted back, "yep!" Then I got up and put the cover on. Why did I do that? Because I didn't want to endure a ten minute lecture about getting the comforter dirty. Does that mean I'd lie about a bigger issue? No way.

OP, it sounds like a counselor would be a great way for you and your DH to negotiate the household chores and to think about both of your communication styles. You might want to start by doing a google search for marriage and family counselors in your area and reading some reviews online.

Yeah, but you DID end up doing it. If your boyfriend came home and you hadn't done it he'd probably be a tad miffed that you said you did when you didn't. I'd agree that your example is a white lie - nothing was effected by it. I still don't think the OP's husband's lie was a white one.

 

[kamik86]

Ok a few general replies then I'll get to the bigger ones.

My husband has always loved cats. He had a cat well before I did but he died before we moved in together.

We got one together then he thought we needed a second as the first was alone all day. So we got a kitten. He is our older cat now. Our first ran away when we made a bad decsion to let the wrong person cat sit. After we lost the first he wanted a second again. I agreed to a second but was nervous about having time to take care of them because by then I was doing grad school and work. we got to the place and they had two adorable kittens that we fell in love with and couldn't seperate. I still didn't say yes at first and went home to think about it. I was thinking we should say no, it would be expensive to board then when we went away alot of work with two kittens etc. He is the one that really wanted to find a way to make it work.

Also there are no chores he likes. He will do laundry without complaint so he always gets that one. I get the majority of the finances (because his credit was shot when we moved in together and he is bad at this) and some things he won't do (cleaning the bathroom being the big one). He does taking out the trash.

The ones we have issues with are the cats boxes and dishes we both hate doing both. I will generally get them done when I have time but these are really the only recurirng things that NEED to happen. I'm ok if the floors aren't swept or mopped until there is obviously stuff on them etc so I don't worry about those. However for the dishes and liter they need to happen. He has SOO much more time then me. He doesn't have grad school, just a job. I do grad school because it is a requirement of my job. The one that pays enough for his video games and comic books because he works at target and probably wouldn't be able to afford rent and food without roommates on his own never mind anything else. So I do feel like he needs to help out.

It is more of an issue this semester because its been a long program I'm almost done yes but I"m getting really burnt out especially with feeling sick and that this course load is the toughest I have had yet.

As for calling them chores, yeah I call them chores when I do them too. My sister has mentioned that its housework when you and your husband do it but its just habit I guess.

Oh as for the thing with mom and dad. Well it was really just Mom but yes my husband has never lived on his own. He lived with mom then with me (no dorms or anything like that even) His house with his mom's had stuff everywhere. His cat was "fed" by dumping food in one of those giant buckets that was on its side and the cat would munch whenever. He did the liter then but didn't have to do anything else. There oven didn't work for years at that house even they just ordered food out all the time and ate on paper and plastic so no dishes.

Now to the stuff about how to find a counselor. I can't go through school. (Online program school is on the other end of the country - btw I do still have lectures I have to watch that are video streamed kind of like hulu or netflix though so it still takes just as much time as being in a real class minus the commute time). I think work is my best bet. I know they offer some mental health stuff I'm not sure if references to marriage councelors is included in that but I"ll have to check.

I do get the needing time to yourself thing. But we got home at 5 and he played until midnight. I have no problem with a few hours of down time I have had to do days with none at all and its hell I don't expect that out of him.

As for treating him like a child... I do that, I know I do. I don't know how to stop. Because as I said if I say nothing he just won't do it. He isn't the kind of person that sees a mess and thinks he should clean it up. If he isn't told to clean it up it won't get cleaned up. I mean the cat stuff smelled last night. IN the room he was in (Cat litter masks smell, so that cat that refuses to box with little and still sometimes goes on the floor tends to make it smell. I couldn't have stood to sit in that room for an hour never mind 7 without having cleaned!!

Oh and no I'm not a neat freak. The huge piles of used tissues next to his side of the bed and his side of the couch that are on the floor, I didn't say anything about those. (He will just throw them on the floor instead of in a basket (even though we have several in the house) because he can just pick them up later and the cats will knock over the basket anyway) This I have given up on because he has always done this and I won't get him to change at least not until I have a reason I can point to on why it has to. (This will stop in any areas a young child is allowed to play in because if not they will play in them.)

 

[kamik86]

I disagree - I think lying about the cat litter is more of a white lie. Not that lying in general is great, but this is definitely the kind of thing I sometimes lie about. Like the other day, my boyfriend texted to ask if I put the duvet cover on our freshly dry-cleaned comforter before I got into bed. Lying underneath the un-duvet-covered comforter, I texted back, "yep!" Then I got up and put the cover on. Why did I do that? Because I didn't want to endure a ten minute lecture about getting the comforter dirty. Does that mean I'd lie about a bigger issue? No way.

OP, it sounds like a counselor would be a great way for you and your DH to negotiate the household chores and to think about both of your communication styles. You might want to start by doing a google search for marriage and family counselors in your area and reading some reviews online.

Now if he had said yes and then left the room and went and did it I would have probably said something about not liking him lying to me but would not be this mad. If he said oh I forgot and went and did it I would have been fine. Its the fact that I had to do it that made it a problem.

As for the people that ask why I don't do this and give him other stuff. There isn't other stuff to give him. Besides laundry which is the only thing he does there is nothing else that I could just not do his stuff on. The things that he wont' do outnumber what he will and I can't do more then half the chores right now, this summer I did the vast majority of the work. I can easily on weekends relax half time and do work half time and not be bothered at all while he is at work (when I dont' have a ton of school work to do). But we discussed before this quarter started that I would need him to start doing alot more when I started grad school again. He always said no problem but it has been a problem. I'm spending a minimum of 20 hours a week on grad school on top of my job. So this is the equivalent of working 60 hour weeks while he is doing 40 hour weeks.

 

[IUTBAM]

I've been married over 24 years, and what your DH is doing wouldn't have flown with me after the first week. But then again, I would have seen the signs beforehand...I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can't change a zebra's stripes without a LOT of effort if he doesn't want to change them. I think counseling is definitely the right option for you, no doubt. I can't imagine what it would be like to bring children into this equation...disaster. He needs to man up, grow up and do his share. And if he chooses not to, you need to seriously assess if you want to continue in the marriage, and have kids with him. Can I ask how old he is?

My DH and I were 27 and 25 respectively when we got married. We shared the household chores when we were childless (and once we bought our first home 4 years after we got married, we LOVED working together on things...we were always sad when Sunday night rolled around because we loved spending so much time together on the weekends working together). Once we had kids, I became a SAHM, but he has always helped out around the house even though he holds the full time paid job. He does all the yardwork, and helps with anything I ask of him (he vacuums more than I do). We clean up after meals TOGETHER...but this type of cooperation was set forth from the beginning.

I truly wish you the best, and hope he sees the light.

 

[cabanafrau]

If you knew he was never going to change these behaviors that are upsetting to you, what would you want to do?

My question isn't for you to answer to me or even in this thread. It's meant to make you look long and hard at living the rest of your life with these issues. You can't assume that he's going to change & you can't make him. You can only change you. Are you willing to live the rest of your life with these issues, including your subsequent information about the home environment he was raised in & the filth that seems normal to him but repulsive to you? Are you committing to spending the rest of your life content cleaning up after a sloth?

Even if he decides to change, it's not going to come quickly or easily. You have some serious thinking & talking to do. Good luck.