How do you explain to a toddler about death?

[disneyfan551]

I need help... My DGM is dying from cancer, and we found out about 4 months ago. My 3yo dd & I go visit every weekend that we can (it's about a 4 hr. trip), and will be going again this weekend. I'm just having a terrible time trying to talk to my dd about this, and trying to have her understand. If any of you have been in this position, I would love to hear your suggestions...

Thanks for any help!

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

I think it depends on your beliefs.

We are Christians, so explaining that Grandma (our just passed away this summer) is in heaven and no longer hurting and that we will be with her again someday was actually comforting to our kids.

No advice if you don't believe in an afterlife--I do think that would make things much scarier and harder to explain.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...103-4513048-8182249?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

This book was really helpful when my uncle died (he was my then 5 year old neice's grandfather). It seems to get really good reviews and I recall selling a lot of these when I worked at an educational toy store years ago.

The bad reviews it gets seem to be that it has some different types of death, from natural causes, to suicide and some people feel that it is too much for a child. It also covers the death of a pet.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

First I want to say, sorry for the pain you are going through. It is very hard to deal with talking to your children when you have your own grief that is overwhelming. Hugs to you.

There is an amazing book I used when my FIL died. It is called Fall of freddy the leaf. I copied this from amazon.com, also listed are other books people bought. This book not only helped me talk to my son, but it did REALLY comfort me as well! Here is what the editorials say...



The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: 20th Aniversary Edition
by Leo Buscaglia


Customers who bought this book also bought:

Lifetimes by BRYAN MELLONIE (Rate it)
When Dinosaurs Die : A Guide to Understanding Death (Dinos Die) by Laurie Krasny Brown (Rate it)
What's Heaven? by Maria Shriver, Sandra Speidel (Rate it)
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst (Rate it)
35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child by The Dougy Center, et al (Rate it)
Explore Similar Items: 19 in Books, 4 in Video, and 9 in Music





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial Reviews

From School Library Journal
A classic. As Freddie experiences the changing seasons along with his companion leaves, he learns that death is part of life.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Ingram
This story is a warm, wonderfully wise, and strikingly simple story about a leaf named Freddie--how Freddie and his companion leaves change with the passing seasons, finally falling to the ground with winter's snow. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Book Description
A new edition of the classic fable-which has sold more than 300,000 copies-for anyone who has suffered a permanent loss

Originally published in the fall of 1982, the wonderfully wise and strikingly simple story of a leaf named Freddie has become one of the most popular books of our times. How Freddie and his companion leaves change with the passing seasons, finally falling to the ground with a winter's snow, is an inspiring allegory illustrating the delicate balance between life and death.

After offering solace for a generation of adults and children alike, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf arrives in a classic edition with a beautiful new package that will appeal to today's readers at a time when stories of comfort and inspiration have become more important than ever.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

A few months ago, my uncle passed away, and my daughter who was 3 (4 now) keeps saying "I'm sad cuz Uncle Jerry died"..
The easiest way I've found is like someone else said... "Uncle Jerry is in heaven now"...
They'll ask when they can see him again, or how come he died... I say he died because he was sick...and God didn't want him to be sick anymore..and we can't see him...but we can talk to him everyday...he'll listen. Someday...we can see him again...but it'll have to be a long time.
We aren't big into church...but we do believe in God...so this 'comfort' works well for her
Best Wishes are with you...

 

[BedKnobbery2]

One thing you should avoid if your child asks what it is like to be dead or to die is to say "it's like going asleep and never waking up." It seems like a logical answer, but can lead to some serious sleep issues down the line. Better to be honest and say that no one really knows, it is one of the great mysteries in life or something along those lines.

Sorry for your loss, and good luck in dealing with this issue....

 

[klmklm]

I like "An Egg is an Egg" by Nicki Weiss.

This is a really gentle book about change. It's more directed at new sibling issues, but it might still be helpful.

 

[MerryPoppins]

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney
and another that I can't think of the name, are all good. I'll try to think of the other one and get back to you.

 

[Disneyland_emily]

At our house we have a huge belief in heaven and god and when my son lost his best friend and sister to cancer when he was 4 it was rough- We explained that god didnt want to see Lex sick anymore and that he misses her so much that she needed to go live with him now where she wouldnt be sick anymore and that while we can't go visit her we can write all the letters we want and "airmail" them up there to let Lex know we miss her and when god says its time for us to be with Lex we will be-

-em

 

[mrsltg]

The best thing you can do is answer any questions head on but don't overload on the information.

We had to explain to our 3 year old dd that her brother was very sick and would die. Obviously this was a huge shift for her from "everyone's thrilled there's a new baby coming" to "the baby won't be coming home". I read a lot of information and just followed my heart. When she asked questions I answered them very matter-of-factly. We're 3.5 months out now and she is very comfortable discussing death.

We're now in a similar situation with my grandmother dying of cancer. I have purchased the book by Maria Shriver called "What is Heaven" (or something like that).

I hope that this helps, and I am sorry for your pain.

Erin

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry for your pain and sorry you have the difficult task of explaining this to a toddler.

Two years ago, my MIL passed away from cancer. MY DD's were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. She actually succombed to congestive heart failure, she suffered in silence for a long time, but the girls never knew that their Grammie (they called her Googie) was sick.

We told them that Grammie had died and had gone to heaven. It would have been a lot easier if that had been the end of it, but many questions followed. They thought heaven was a place like Ohio, and wanted to know when Grammie was coming back. We told them that Grammie had been sick, her body didn't work anymore, and the doctors couldn't fix it. We did not tell them that Grammie's body was buried in the ground, so we said the cemetary is a place you can go to remember someone. One time they were visiting the cemetary with my FIL and their two aunts, it was sprinkling and the sun came out to make the most beautiful rainbow. They were so excited to come home and tell me that Grammie made that rainbow for them.

It makes me sad to know that they will never have real memories of Grammie, they only remember what we have told them. Sometimes, they still ask questions, even two years later. I think it is more of a confusing situation to them, rather than a sad one.

My advice is to formulate a game plan with those close to your child as to what you want to tell her. Questions may follow even years later. Do your best to comfort your DD and try not to scare her. You will know what is best when the time comes.

Denae

 

[figment52]

While I don't like the death scene itself "The Lion King" has some wonderful scenes to explain how life goes on for everyone after death.

My father passed away when my niece and nephew were about 4 and 5. We talked to them about it and they seemed to be doing ok. My nephew brought my sister to tears when they were out running errands after dark one night when he pointed to a bright start and told her it was grandpa watching them from heaven just like Simba's dad did.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I agree with the book 'The Tenth Best Thing About Barney' it's a really good book. I also agree that emphasizing heaven (if you believe) and the fact that the person isn't sick anymore is the best way to explain it to someone that young. When my father died of cancer my sisters and I were 16, 14 and 11. Since we were older I think it was a little harder for us than it would of been had we been younger because we understood it more. We also felt a little resentment towards God because we felt he took our dad away from us and we didn't know why. I think if you are explaining that God wanted your loved one in heaven with him you should be careful about how you word it so that your child doesn't feel any resentment that your loved one was 'taken away from you.'

 

[mrsgus06]

When the mother of my stepdaughters went into the hospital to have her third child and died due to complications, we told them that she got really sick after the baby came and had to go to heaven. They were 2 and 4 at the time. At the funeral, we took them into the room with the casket one at a time and explained what we could and answered all questions as honestly as possible. It was so sad . At the graveside we let all of the kids send helium baloons to Ms. Brandy (or Mommy) with a picture or a letter if they could write. Every now and then, one of them will have a need to send a note to heaven and I will purchase a balloon. It has been almost 3 years now and the kids still have a lot of questions and will talk freely about death. On a sadder note, the oldest, Kelsey, will tell anyone that when she grows up she will only have 2 babies because you die if you have 3 . Pretty heavy thoughts for a 7 year old.

 

[disneyfan551]

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. I hope to find one of these books soon. I've been trying to talk to my dd about Heaven and that GG's going to go live with God. When we were leaving her house a few weeks ago, my 2yo actually said in front of her that "GG's going to live with God". My DGM was so shocked! I think my dd's ok with it, but I'm just still unsure as to the casket and the funeral arrangements.

Thanks also to all of the warm wishes. I really appreciate them.

 

[SRUAlmn]

but I'm just still unsure as to the casket and the funeral arrangements.

I get torn when this topic comes up. I know my family, personally, doesn't agree with the whole 'viewing' thing. Especially for kids, it's so hard for them to see that. We had a memorial service for my dad, and I think that was a little easier for us. It's horrible to see someone you love like that and have to have that image as the last thing you remember. The other side of it that I can slightly see is that it does give a little bit of 'closure- if that's even a good word for it' for a person that may have a hard time accepting it.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Wow. So many sad stories on this thread. So sorry to all of you with your losses.

When we found out Gabrielle had died, we told the kids that Gabrielle had died in mommy's tummy and I was going to the hospital for her body to be born. That when she was born, she would be not breathing. I then explained that she was going to be in Heaven with God and Jesus and that we were going to bury her body at the cemetary.

I told them we could talk to her through our prayers and that we would see her someday when we went to Heaven, but we wouldn't be able to see her on earth.

They asked questions and we just tried to answer them as honestly as we could.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I finally got around to looking for the other book. It is by Joanne Marxhausen. It is called If I Should Die, If I Should Live. It helped my kids when my grandmother died. I just did a Google search and found a copy for under $5.

I see she has also released a newer book called Heaven is a Wonderful Place. I'm not familiar with it, but I'm sure it's good. As a side note, her book 3 in 1 is a cool explanation of the Trinity.

 

[bigbabyblues]

It depends on your beliefs, and what you want your children taught. My DH grandpa passed away at the end of July. It all started with a fairly routine hip replacement at the end of May and went downhill from there.

My 3-yo had asked several times where Great Papaw was, so we took him to the hospital to visit, until he got really bad. Two weeks before grandpa passed, my brother was in a horrible motorcycle wreck and almost lost his life as well. DH and the boys brought some stuff to me at the hospital while we were waiting, and DS insisted he see his papaw. We took him upstairs (the nurses had long-since ok'd it, since grandpa would occasionally ask about the boys), and beforew e went in, we told him so he could understand that papaw had lots of tubes and machines that were helping him, and that if he got scared, we would leave, he didn't have to stay. He went right in, and ran up to the bed and said "Great Papaw, I love you!", tried to get on the bed. Gave papaw a hug, and talked to him. He wasn't scared at all, didn't even seem to notice the machines or anything. Papaw was alert and everything, but he could only whisper, and barely that. They had a little conversation and we left.

A few days later, I started trying to prepare DS for what was coming; by that time, we knew papaw wasn't going to make it much longer. I told him that papaw was really, really sick, and that sometimes, when people are so very sick, they just don't get better. Sometimes they go to Heaven, but when they get to Heaven, they are all better. He said "ok" and that was it. He didn't really ask any questions. The day of the funeral, my poor DH ran over his childhood dog. The dog was ok, but due to his age (17 years old in December), his arthritis that had spread to his lungs, and the tumor they found on is liver, he had to be put to sleep. When DS asked about him a few days later, we just told him that Dodgie was very sick, and he went to Heaven. He smiled up at me, and in all his 3-yo innocence, said, "It's ok mommy, Great Papaw will take care of Dodgie".

I hope you find the right way to explain it. There are several books, but I don't have the names right now.

 

[J/T Gramdma]

It is a very hard subject to deal with. we are christian so when my father died my grandsons were 3 1/2 and 5 . They were very close and told them he had gone to heaven. We took them to the furneral mass and the casket was wheeled in by his older grandkids and the 3 1/2 asked if Grandpa was in the box. We said his body was but he could see us from heaven .this young man in his loudest voice yelled 'GRANDPA GET OUT OF THE BOX' so no matter what you say now it will be the following days and the weeks after that count. you can do that by being willing to discuss the person even tho you dont want too and discuss allthe good things you can remember. I wish you the best but kids are resilent and need to experience the bad and good to cope with the ups and downs of life.