How do you deal with a lying teenager?

[Minnie*Mouse]

I have a 14yo daughter who is very outgoing and friendly. She has a large circle of friends who I know very well including their parents. Recently she and her friends have started socializing with Junior boys who drive, she's a freshman. Very good kids, not into drugs or drinking, etc. come from good families...but I have prohibited her from taking rides from these boys. I'm afraid of accidents and don't think she's old enough to do that yet.

Over the weekend she was at a friend's house and I found out she was picked up there by a Junior boy and his friends and went out for ice cream and to a party and returned back to her friends house in time to be picked up by the parent who was scheduled to bring her home.

I found out but she doesn't know that I know, what do I do? I can't trust her and I absolutely HATE lying and she knows this. Do I confront her or do I try to catch her in the act?

 

[In a hurry]

You need to talk it out. How else can you feel confident in her behavior? It is tough being a teen, and even the good ones are sometimes pulled into things that you wouldn't think.

Needless to say this is just my opinion!

 

[Colleen456]

I'd confront her. I will not tolerate lying and she'd have to regain my trust. My DS is 7 and we've had a few issues, nothing major but enough for me to tell him that until I think he's learned his lesson and I can trust him he was not allowed to leave our yard. That meant all summer he had to have his friends come over here.

That would be how I'd handle DD. You want to hang out with your friends, fine you'll do here here. You want to go for ice cream, fine I'll drive you if I have time. You want to go to a party? Sorry, not for the rest of the year you little liar. Ops, that was harsh..sorry. But you get my point.

My theory is that if you want to be trusted you need to be trust worthy and respect the rules. Its all part of growing up.

Consequences is a word we taught DS very early in life. He knows that if he messes up he'll have to redeem himself over time.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!

 

[ChristmasElf]

That is such a dilemma to be in with your dd. I have teenagers as well and feel like I spend half my waking hours lecturing on not getting into cars with other kids.
20/20 did a show a few months ago on how distracted kids get while driving with their friend. They run red lights, stop signs, tend to speed and change lanes without looking because they are too busy socializing and not looking at the road.
I would mention that "What are you supposed to do if she is driving in cars with other kids, something happens, and then what"? meaning how you would have to deal with the pain of possibly losing her or her getting severely hurt or worse.
Just keep talking to her, that's all you can do- It's a never-ending-battle-raising kids!!!

 

[Christine]

I'd confront her and then I would probably put her on some type of restriction for lying. I have a 14 year old DD also (in the 9th grade) and, yeah, I could see her possibly pulling a stunt like that too. If I found out, she would be in trouble.

 

[DawnCt1]

I would also add to the good advice you have been given so far by telling her that now you will have to assume that everything she tells you may be a lie until she demonstrates otherwise.

 

[NMAmy]

I found out but she doesn't know that I know, what do I do? I can't trust her and I absolutely HATE lying and she knows this. Do I confront her or do I try to catch her in the act?

I'd confront my dd and then the grounding would commence. Plus, the fact that you found out without catching her in the act yourself demonstrates that lots of people are watching her--not just you.

My dd usually breaks down and tells me herself when she does something wrong if I don't catch on right away. She's just so sure that I'll catch her eventually (I love that she still thinks I know EVERYTHING) and she knows the grounding won't be quite as severe if she comes clean with me herself.

I'm sorry. This is SUCH a hard age. If it's any consolation, my dd is much better since she's turned 15. She could be sucking up because she just got her driver's permit, though.

 

[barkley]

beyond confronting and addressing the issue of lying (which i think you should do) have you checked on what the local laws in your jurisdiction are for kids driving other kids. some states now do not permit a minor to drive other unrelated minors in their cars (and i think i heard more states were doing this as of new years day)-so she may not only be lying-she may be breaking the law by accepting rides from these kids.

 

[luvflorida]

I'd confront my dd and then the grounding would commence. Plus, the fact that you found out without catching her in the act yourself demonstrates that lots of people are watching her--not just you.

haha! I like this answer! I'm always telling DD15 that "you never know who is watching you."

Teenagers just don't think sometimes, but that doesn't excuse their behavior. DD15 called me this morning from school. She is supposed to get together with a classmate to work on a school project, so she wanted to know if she could go over to the girl's house after school. I asked her how they were getting there. Daughter said, "Oh, we'll find a ride." I told daughter that I will pick her and her friend up after school and they can come here to work on their project. I always pick daughter up after school and I'm here anyways. It also wasn't made clear that any parents would be at the other house after school. Also, not acceptable. What was she thinking!?!

I'd be very upset if my daughter went for a ride with boys that I had already told her I didn't want her to go with. She would definitely be facing some kind of consequences.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would first start talking with her about the evening, giving her a chance to tell you the truth. Next I would tell her I know the truth. As punishment, I am not real sure, but would probably ground her for sometime.

 

[Ziva]

I would also add to the good advice you have been given so far by telling her that now you will have to assume that everything she tells you may be a lie until she demonstrates otherwise.

Also if she were my DD she wouldn't be going out with friends for awhile either as punishment for lying in the first place.

 

[ItsonlyExperiment626]

I would start the conversation off with a question about the night at her firends house. Like "did you have fun at so and so's house?" and follow by "what did you girls do there?" This gives her a chance to tell you the truth or give herself more rope to hang herself with lies. If she comes clean then I would have a discussion about trust and honesty and give her an approriate punshment. If she lies about it, then I would tell her what I know and ground her in a big way. I still would have a discussion about honesty and trust.

In both cases, I would also write out an agreement in which explains what you have discussed with her about honesty and truth and what is to be expected of her to earn back that trust. It would also write down what will be the next punshment if she lies or does something she knows she is not supposed to do.

 

[WIcruizer]

Very good kids, not into drugs or drinking, etc. come from good families

Famous last words. I was one of these kids in HS, and I did drink and do some other things that the parents of females probably owuldn't approve of.

Our 16 DD has a very similar group of friends, but as the months and years go by you hear interesting stories about some of them. Like it or not, no matter how good the family is and how "nice" a kid seems to be, it's a percentage game. I can almost guarantee you some of those kids in that group do (or will) drink, do drugs, have sex, etc.

And that's why your rule is a good one, and one that you need to stick to your guns. A week for lying and a week for riding with one of these juniors seems fair to me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a 14yodd. Right now we have the same rule. However my dd does NOT have a large circle of friends that drive. That is a tough one.

I would say since your dd does it is time to sit down and redo rules. Our basic rule for dd is always call and let us know a location change or ask to go somewhere else first as a courtesy.

I am right there with you. I do however believe you need to begin to set up how it is going to be for the teen years and do it in a adult, healthy way, if that makes sense????

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

If this were my mother she would come right up to me and start yelling. She has no shame and no patience for the dumb things me and my brother did as teenagers. As for the punishment, that really depends on how you have punished her in the past. Like if you have never grounded her before, maybe that would be too harsh. Maybe a lot of dirty household chores are called for. (Does that bathroom look dirty? Did you cook some really greasy gross dish for dinner the night before? Don't want to clean them yourself?) <--those were always my punishments and boy did I hate them. I also don't think you should tell her your source for the information. Just let her know that someone is always watching though.

I don't blame you in any way for not wanting her to drive with new drivers. I saw how some of my friends drove when they were 17 and boy did I not want to get into a car with them. To this day I still avoid driving with some of them. A few of my friends have gotten into minor accidents because they were messing around with the radio. They are good kids, my parents love them, but that stuff still happens. In time she will see that you are not doing this to ruin her social life.

 

[stinkerbelle]

I would start the conversation off with a question about the night at her firends house. Like "did you have fun at so and so's house?" and follow by "what did you girls do there?" This gives her a chance to tell you the truth or give herself more rope to hang herself with lies. If she comes clean then I would have a discussion about trust and honesty and give her an approriate punshment. If she lies about it, then I would tell her what I know and ground her in a big way. I still would have a discussion about honesty and trust.

Ditto.
Give her a chance to come clean.

Here's a kinda funny becuase it wasn't me story...my SIL (14 or 15 at the time) and her cousin (17 or 18 at the time) went to the cousin's family beach house one day in the summer. Well this cousin is a known "problem driver"...has gotten into a few accidents, tickets, etc. Well they were driving from MA down to RI...and while in RI...the cousin hits a guy on his motorcycle.

Flash forward a week...we're at a family gathering, SIL is there, cousin is not. Howerver the cousin's father is there and says to SIL "Make sure you give your statement to the police in RI soon...Rob already gave his"

SIL is giving him the "shush shush!!!" eyes

MIL picked up the "Rob" park pretty fast and nearly hit the roof..."there was a BOY in that car?!?!"

oh yeah - not a good way for her to find out...don't know her punishment (if any)...but, sitting there having gone through stuff like that in my past, I had to chuckle.

Yeah - my mom had the 'FBI Moms' in our town growing up..she knew EVERYTHING...i just learned to play it straight.

 

[Minnie*Mouse]

I've already asked her who was there, what they did at the friend's house. I always ask because I want to know and to be sure she isn't hiding anything and when I ask later or tomorrow I want to be sure I get the same answer and mostly to see her reaction.

My first suspicion was that her cell phone call record had numbers of girls that she was supposedly with at the friend's house. When I questioned her about it, she said someone must have used her phone at the friend's house and jokingly called eachother...hummm, suspicion #1. Secondly, she said 'thank-you for letting me go out yesterday'...it was no big deal. I hadn't let her do something she hadn't already done, (apparently she did). I just had a bad feeling when she said that. She does thank me for stuff and is generally polite, but that just wasn't the same (mother's instinct, I guess).

When she gets home from school today, her computer will be removed from her room, her cell phone gone and she will not be allowed to have friends over or go out for 2 weeks. She has 2 birthday parties coming up but that's too bad she should of thought of that on Saturday before she made this dumb decision.

It's so tough being a parent of a teenager. You want to trust them and then they go ahead and do this stuff. Thank you for your replies. I was thinking I was being too overprotective by not letting her go in cars, but I'm just not ready to let her do that yet. She's my oldest and she's only 14, she has many years to do that stuff. I know of other parents that allow it if they meet the boys first, I'm just not comfortable with that yet and I'm not giving in. THANK YOU. I'll let you all know how it goes tonight and her reaction.

 

[WIcruizer]

When she gets home from school today, her computer will be removed from her room

My OWN opinion, but this mandatory in our house. No way our teens will ever have a computer in their rooms. Scary stuff.

 

[laura001]

Being a parent and having to be one step ahead of your kids is very difficult. You need to draw the line at "lying", whatever and however you have to do it, is up to up, each child reacts differently. I would make it clear that is unacceptable behaviour and that she was deceiving you by coming home with the other ride. She needs to regain your trust which will take time. I always make sure that my kids know that even if I am not there, someone else is seeing what they are doing and even if I never find out about it, they are only lying to themselves.

I would be swift and stern with this. Also, if she feels a lot of peer pressure with accepting rides etc, perhaps outfitting her with a cell phone and letting her know that wherever she is, whatever the time is, she can and should always call you about it and that you will be there for her and be supportive with her.

 

[malibuconlee]

We all did dumb things as kids. I agree have a conversation and give her a chance to come clean. Then give out the appropriate punishment.

Also sounds like a good time to have a talk about how kids do find themselves in situations they didn't expect and how it's ALWAYS OK for them to call you and you'll come get them.

Stress to her the main thing is that you need to know where she is and who she's with.

And at my school the freshman girls went out with the junior boys and the sophomore girls went out with the senior boys.

I did the whole slide by dating thing. Told my mom we were going in a group. Then told her that day that my date was picking me up and we were meeting the others at the movie. That is exactly what happened. I just think my mom thought we were all riding together. After she met the guy she was OK with it. We dated for a year and a half and after we broke up my mom still talked to him. He stopped by while I was at work with a friend and they all ordered pizza.