How do you bring up the idea of kids with DH/DW?

[Rajah]

My "clock" has been ticking and ticking recently (I'm 28), and especially in the past few months (actually worse ever since I lost my dad, oddly enough). Intellectually, I don't want any kids until I finish my Master's degree. Physically, I don't want to *have* any kids -- I'm thinking adoption is right for me (Too many women in my family on my mom's side have had serious complications with childbirth. I'm afraid to take the chance). Emotionally, I keep reading about adoptions that are taking place here on the DIS, or possible adoptions, or watch Saturday morning cartoons when they have commercials to adopt local kids, or read about people taking kids to WDW, things like that, and I really want that.

So far, I've been able to "satisfy" that instinct a bit by having kittens. But I know that won't satisfy forever.

I'm not sure that DH even *wants* kids. We kinda brushed over it when we were dating, and there would be other complications with religion, which I'm sure we could work out. I'm also pretty sure that the vast majority of the "issues" with kids would be left to me -- he doesn't relate well with kids, never has.

I'm just not sure how to bring it up with DH. See what he thinks of the idea... I'm also not sure how to tell if I'm "ready".

I'm beginning to think that "rent a kid" (anyone remember that movie? LOL!) might be a good idea.

Any suggestions?

 

[binny]

(((hugs)))

we always knew we'd have kids someday we just didnt expect them as quickly as we got them lol


I guess if I were in your shoes Id just broach it gently. Say something like " We talked about having kids one day... what do you think about now that we've been married awhile" or something like that.
Surely he knows youve been watching these ads? Does he have any idea at all that youre thinking about it?

 

[Rajah]

DH... have an idea I've been thinking about it?

That's a laugh.

He's blind as a bat when it comes to that kind of thing. He didn't even know I wanted Leo and Gabi to have a litter of kittens until Gabi was already pregnant, *DESPITE* my mentioning it a few times.

 

[binny]

LOL hmmmm well in that case you might have to whack him upside the head with the idea


Can you just flat out ask him how he feels?

Just tell him youve been really thinking about it and want to know how he feels about it.

 

[kasar]

Looks like you and DH will be having some major discussions in the future! You may be surprised that he's been thinking the same things you have. (You may also be surprised at how "non-kid" people can become the best parents very quickly).

May I suggest looking into foster care. There are lots of kids out there that need a good home and you could give them one while seeing if it's a long-term thing for you and your DH. Since you'd like to adopt anyhow, this may be just the thing.

Good luck. I hope you two can come to an agreement that works for both of you.

 

[Rajah]

Ask him how he feels?

Um...

Anyone have some courage I can borrow? LOL!!

Kasar -- that's an idea.

 

[Phrebert]

Whern doing your income taxes together tell him you want some deductions.

 

[chrissyk]

Just broach the subject one way or another! He may be more receptive to you than you think.

For a variety of reasons, I have always wanted to adopt my children. I've been up-front about this from day 1. DH wants one biological child also, before we do any adoptions. I have had a VERY difficult time getting comfortable with this idea, but I've always kept the lines of communication open about it. We're 30 now, and I'm finally warming up to the idea of having the 1 biological child. I'm certainly still worried about certain genetic things cropping up with the baby, but I'm hoping for the best of course. Just start talking, and keep the lines of communication open. 5 years ago, I was like "NO WAY" when it came to having a biological child, but time has a way of changing one's mind, LOL!

 

[BedKnobbery2]

LOL I recently had the opposite kind of conversation. I already have 2 wonderful kids, and my boyfriend also has 2 kids....I have known for a very long time that I don't want any more children at all, ever but I didn't know how he felt about it....luckily, we're on the same page in that regard. Whew!

Anyway, maybe bring it up sometime when you are somewhere there are children? Just something like, "Look at that little cutie over there....what do you think about having kids some day?" You'll never know until you ask.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Originally posted by kasar
.....May I suggest looking into foster care. There are lots of kids out there that need a good home and you could give them one while seeing if it's a long-term thing for you and your DH. Since you'd like to adopt anyhow, this may be just the thing......

ITA. I think you and Michael would make wonderful parents, Tammi, bio, adoptive or foster.

 

[believe]

DH and I had the discussion before we were married. We also discussed adoption and agreed, but he has changed his POV on this since our original discussion. Whenever I want to talk with him I usually make sure it is a time we both have the time to talk. I also drop the subject if he gets defensive and then bring it up later, gives him time to think about it. Luckily I can talk to DH about anything, doesn't mean he is not defensive...but he is always willing to listen. Maybe just ask him what his view is on having children and get that out of the way, then you would know where you need to start on the topic. Bring you desires up after you hear his.

 

[Nebsky]

Borrow Nikes old catch phrase....

JUST DO IT!!

 

[workinggal]

You brushed over it while dating? I think that's a discussion that should have taken place before making the commitment of marriage. What happens if you decide that you really want children and he adamently opposes it? What then?

Also, you said he doesn't relate well to children? What does that mean? If he doesn't like them or relate well to them, i'm gonna guess that he might not want any.

If you're afraid to discuss it with him (the "courage" comment) I think having children is a bad idea. If there's ANY subject a wife is afraid to discuss with therir spouse, there are other issues to consider before bringing children into the picture.

Just my $0.02

 

[JKanownik]

I strongly believe that if you commit to a marriage, then the duty to discuss children at any given time comes along with that. You should not ever feel uncomfortable in bringing up or participating in a discussion on any life-changing decisions with your spouse. I also think that it is your duty to thoroughly explore your feelings on the matter and know why you feel the way you do. Once you're sure that you want kids and have an explanation as to why, then you should talk to your spouse ASAP. Communication, trust and faith (the bases of any strong and healthy relationship) are all violated if either party does not express their true feelings on the matter if they vary from any previous discussions.

-Josh

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I can't believe you didn't discuss children before you got married, I am just amazed. I also can't imagine deciding I want children and being too scared to tell my husband. To me, that says that you've been saying you don't want children and now it's going to like dropping some bomb on him.

 

[dsnylvr]

Originally posted by workinggal
You brushed over it while dating? I think that's a discussion that should have taken place before making the commitment of marriage. What happens if you decide that you really want children and he adamently opposes it? What then?

Also, you said he doesn't relate well to children? What does that mean? If he doesn't like them or relate well to them, i'm gonna guess that he might not want any.

If you're afraid to discuss it with him (the "courage" comment) I think having children is a bad idea. If there's ANY subject a wife is afraid to discuss with therir spouse, there are other issues to consider before bringing children into the picture.

Just my $0.02

I agree with everything workinggal said. Im just amazed that this important issue was not discussed while dating. Children are such a HUGE part of marriage, how could you not have discussed it? My opinion is that if your husband didnt talk to you about it, he probably does not expect to have any children. Good luck

 

[Rajah]

Sheesh. Y'all sure like to bring a person up, don't you.

"Fear" is "nerves". As in "fear of change". As in "what if he says yes? Am I really ready? My clock says I am, but am I really? How will this change our life? Can we afford kids?" As in "What if he says no? Will I be happy with just kittens for the rest of my life? Will he say no because we can't afford them, or because he doesn't want them?" Things like that. Not fear as in "he's going to hate me / divorce me / make me feel bad".

Geez. You'd think you people haven't ever been nervous about something before.

And we *did* discuss children before we got married, and both were of the frame of mind of "maybe someday."

Those of you who have negative comments about my character, me being nervous, "lack of relationship" with my DH, or things like that.... Well, I can't say to you what I'd like. Beyond, "leave me alone. Go elsewhere for your negativity. You don't know me, you don't know my relationship with my DH. So back off."

Those who are offering *helpful* comments instead of just derogatory... Thank you.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Originally posted by Rajah
Sheesh. Y'all sure like to bring a person up, don't you.

"Fear" is "nerves". As in "fear of change". As in "what if he says yes? Am I really ready? My clock says I am, but am I really? How will this change our life? Can we afford kids?" As in "What if he says no? Will I be happy with just kittens for the rest of my life? Will he say no because we can't afford them, or because he doesn't want them?" Things like that. Not fear as in "he's going to hate me / divorce me / make me feel bad".

Geez. You'd think you people haven't ever been nervous about something before.

And we *did* discuss children before we got married, and both were of the frame of mind of "maybe someday."

Those of you who have negative comments about my character, me being nervous, "lack of relationship" with my DH, or things like that.... Well, I can't say to you what I'd like. Beyond, "leave me alone. Go elsewhere for your negativity. You don't know me, you don't know my relationship with my DH. So back off."

Those who are offering *helpful* comments instead of just derogatory... Thank you.

Honestly, all the 'what if he says no', 'what if he says yes' answers should have been answered long ago.

 

[snoopy]

I don't necessarily agree with that gymnasticsmom. My DH and I were undecided about having kids until about 2 years before our first was born. I was 28, he was 30, and we had been married 6 years before we knew for sure we wanted children. It was me that brought the subject up, but I certainly had some of the same concerns as Rajah does.

Rajah, why not just ask him straight up? Make sure its a night where you won't have any outside distractions, and its probably best that he be in a good frame of mind (i.e., void of a large amount of stress from work, etc.). Be open to all possibilities. Also, think of how you will react if his answer is that he wants to wait, or not have children at all.

Best of luck, Rajah! I think the fact that you are considering adoption is wonderful. There are so many children, particularly older children, in need of a good home. Let us know how it works out.

 

[Kallison]

I got tired of waiting for DH so I just skipped birth control for ONE night, and got pregnant. Two more followed in three years. After the first one he thought he did the greatest thing ever, so it wasn't a problem.