How do you break up with a friend?

[WDSearcher]

I hesitate to get into details for fear of this friend reading this post. She doesn't know my username, but I still worry about it. Sorry to be so general, but she is into a lot of past life/alternative stuff and pushes these beliefs on others. It's all-consuming for her and is, aside from her family, the only thing she talks about. I don't mean to suggest that she is wrong for having these beliefs, I just happen to not believe them myself. I resent it being pushed on me despite my telling her that it's not for me so it's frustrating talking about little else.

Well then ... there you go. If the "past life/alternative stuff" is all-consuming, simply tell her that you just don't want to hear about it any more, period, and that's why you've let the friendship lapse. Tell HER that you resent it being pushed on you despite you telling her that it's not for you. If she truly still wants to be your friend, she'll smile and change the subject to family or something else innocuous. If she continues to talk about the topics you've asked her not to talk about, then you simply stand up, say "I wish you well, but I'm afraid I can't stay," pay your part of the bill and leave.

If you've asked her multiple times to skip those topics and she persists, then your reasoning is, "How can we be friends if you won't listen?"

If you have other topics you'd be happy to discuss with her, tell her that and stick to those. If you really don't, then tell her good-bye. She'll get over it. And so will you!

 

[Magpie]

Well then ... there you go. If the "past life/alternative stuff" is all-consuming, simply tell her that you just don't want to hear about it any more, period, and that's why you've let the friendship lapse. Tell HER that you resent it being pushed on you despite you telling her that it's not for you. If she truly still wants to be your friend, she'll smile and change the subject to family or something else innocuous. If she continues to talk about the topics you've asked her not to talk about, then you simply stand up, say "I wish you well, but I'm afraid I can't stay," pay your part of the bill and leave.

If you've asked her multiple times to skip those topics and she persists, then your reasoning is, "How can we be friends if you won't listen?"

If you have other topics you'd be happy to discuss with her, tell her that and stick to those. If you really don't, then tell her good-bye. She'll get over it. And so will you!

I second this advice!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Well then ... there you go. If the "past life/alternative stuff" is all-consuming, simply tell her that you just don't want to hear about it any more, period, and that's why you've let the friendship lapse. Tell HER that you resent it being pushed on you despite you telling her that it's not for you. If she truly still wants to be your friend, she'll smile and change the subject to family or something else innocuous. If she continues to talk about the topics you've asked her not to talk about, then you simply stand up, say "I wish you well, but I'm afraid I can't stay," pay your part of the bill and leave.

If you've asked her multiple times to skip those topics and she persists, then your reasoning is, "How can we be friends if you won't listen?"

If you have other topics you'd be happy to discuss with her, tell her that and stick to those. If you really don't, then tell her good-bye. She'll get over it. And so will you!

I second this advice!

I agree with this as well. If she knows it makes you uncomfortable and pushes it on you anyway, she's not being a good friend. Think of what you'd tell a teenager whose "friend" was always offering him cigarettes or drugs when he'd already said no.

 

[Wishing on a star]

"Things are different now..."
"Our lives and outlooks are so different now...."
followed by "I am so sorry..." simply repeated, to all of her pleas....

Answering machine, screening calls, blocking, etc..... are your friend....

K.I.S.S. ( keep it super simple )

 

[bumbershoot]

Sorry to be so general, but she is into a lot of past life/alternative stuff and pushes these beliefs on others. It's all-consuming for her and is, aside from her family, the only thing she talks about. I don't mean to suggest that she is wrong for having these beliefs, I just happen to not believe them myself. I resent it being pushed on me despite my telling her that it's not for me so it's frustrating talking about little else.

Have you told her this? That you don't want to talk about it with her? If you haven't, do. If you have, do it again. If you do end your friendship, be sure to tell her the REAL reason, which seems to be what I just quoted. I mean, if you're going to be brutal with someone, you might as well be honest as well.

I've had two friends leave my life, and one gave me NO reason, leaving me to wonder. She told other friends lies, which cast me in a pretty bad light, which just bugs me, b/c they are out and out lies. The other friend was just being a jerk, and wanted to have the relationship HER way, and wouldn't listen to my needs at all. I guess we both ended it, but she was the aggressor in the situation and really pushed the issue, causing the end.

Anyway, neither of them was really honest with me, and it's a rotten way to go.

So definitely be honest with her. And also, while thinking about this, be sure to look at YOUR conversations. Are YOU talking about things SHE might not believe in? Are you talking about your church, beliefs, etc etc etc? Be sure you're not being as offensive as you feel she's being in conversation.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

I hesitate to get into details for fear of this friend reading this post. She doesn't know my username, but I still worry about it. Sorry to be so general, but she is into a lot of past life/alternative stuff and pushes these beliefs on others. It's all-consuming for her and is, aside from her family, the only thing she talks about. I don't mean to suggest that she is wrong for having these beliefs, I just happen to not believe them myself. I resent it being pushed on me despite my telling her that it's not for me so it's frustrating talking about little else.

With this added info I think it is completely appropriate to tell her that you do not believe this stuff nor want to talk about it. If that ends your friendship, fine, at least she knows why. On the other hand, she may back off and remain your friend without subjecting you to her beliefs---which may make it more tolerable for you. Only one way to find out . . . . .

 

[DawnCt1]

I hesitate to get into details for fear of this friend reading this post. She doesn't know my username, but I still worry about it. Sorry to be so general, but she is into a lot of past life/alternative stuff and pushes these beliefs on others. It's all-consuming for her and is, aside from her family, the only thing she talks about. I don't mean to suggest that she is wrong for having these beliefs, I just happen to not believe them myself. I resent it being pushed on me despite my telling her that it's not for me so it's frustrating talking about little else.

Now THAT you can be frank about. "Susie, I know you are really into this but to be honest, it bores me to tears and I am almost to the point where I dread these conversations. If you agree not to talk about X, I won't talk about my cat Fluffy anymore". Maybe it will be a wake call for her and she will revert to the person you used to know. If she doesn't, she will know why.

 

[HOGFAN]

I am going thru a pretty bad friend breakup right now. The really bad part is that we work together. She is not being really honest about the reasons why. I am truly devastated. I honestly hope that she quits, it would make it alot easier on me. She is always complaining about the pay anyway.

My advise would be to make it a clean break and be totally honest.

 

[onnawufei]

Now THAT you can be frank about. "Susie, I know you are really into this but to be honest, it bores me to tears and I am almost to the point where I dread these conversations. If you agree not to talk about X, I won't talk about my cat Fluffy anymore". Maybe it will be a wake call for her and she will revert to the person you used to know. If she doesn't, she will know why.

I really like that approach. It's frank but not harsh and depending on how you say it, could actually have a little humor to it.

I am going thru a pretty bad friend breakup right now. The really bad part is that we work together. She is not being really honest about the reasons why. I am truly devastated. I honestly hope that she quits, it would make it alot easier on me. She is always complaining about the pay anyway.

My advise would be to make it a clean break and be totally honest.

Hugs for you, person that I do not know. Because I've been there and it sucks. I had an eight year friendship die a couple of years ago and it still kills me to think about. (Which is not the same friendship as the one I mention below.)


My only other advice to the OP is just "be careful". And on top of that, if crazy starts to go down, distance yourself as quickly as possible, and remember that it's not your fault. Sometimes you can't see the crazy coming. A few years ago I was friends with this girl who I realized wasn't exactly who I thought she was. There's a long drawn out story behind it, but to keep it short, we'll just go with that description. She was visiting me, so after she went home I gave myself a couple of days to think on it, and decided that it was time to go our separate ways. I tried my hardest to let her down easily but it just wasn't happening. (I should mention now that our primary means of communication was the internet and text messages because I really hate talking on the phone.) She cried, she begged me not to "break up" with her, she texted me constantly, and then she started to call me. I'd come home from work and find messages on the machine where she was sobbing and begging me to talk to her. And it's not as if I'd just sent her an email, said "sorry but no, bye" and that was that. I'd tried to reason with her, I'd responded to some of her messages and finally I realized she wasn't going to get it.

After a little bit of all of this, during which my DH started seriously considering a restraining order, she turned angry. From then on out she would alternate between angrily calling me names, telling me I was a coward, etc. and crying, apologizing, telling me she loved me and begging me to come back. More than once I'd find an anonymous card in my mailbox or order of flowers on my doorstep that I knew were from her for one reason or another. Sadly, this went on for two or three years, and she messaged me again a couple of months ago.

 

[mkymouse1928]

I'm going thru a friend break up right now, and I'm on the receiving end. I have no idea why as this friend has just completely quit speaking with me. This prolongs the agony. I would say to tell her what is wrong. This has a two fold purpose. It allows for a clean break and closure on her part, and it allows for her to see what it is that pushed you away so that she may be able to make adjustments in her other relationships.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I can see where the direct approach is best with a rational person.

There are some people you can be direct with and they still won't "hear" you. I mean the OP stated she has told the friend she doesn't want to talk about that stuff. IIRC, she has said it a number of times. It didn't sink in then, why would it now? Some will swear it is for a different reason, it couldn't be what you said it was, "Why haven't you ever said anything before?" (when you have), and so on. And then it could turn into how selfish "you" are for not wanting to talk about or do what he/she wants. It has the potential to spiral all kinds of unpleasant ways. It's already unpleasant. She already doesn't listen to you.

You'll probably have to deal with one of those spirals, in addition to the exit. Maybe not. Who knows?