How do ya clear your mind from thinking negative thoughts?

[luvmyfam444]

There is not a day that passes that I don't think about divorce - or other stupid things (like an affair). There's no serious reasons for the thinking, just the basic daily marriage issues & disagreements. They don't get violent or anything & not usually a yelling match or anything.

Yes, we've tried counseling - went thru 40 hours last Spring. NOTHING has changed.

And I don't believe in divorce. But secretly I wish HE'D have an affair so I would have an excuse.

But then again, he's my best friend......

If only I could live @ the happiest place on earth...everything is great while we're on vacation (usually)

I wish I knew someone that was a counselor in training! LOL that needs to log in some hours

 

[bumbershoot]

 

[mtemm]

have you tried individual counseling?

 

[Otimon]

You didn't say how long you've been married, but understand that every marriage goes through ups and downs over the years. No problem with the up times, of course, but while there is no guarantee for anyone - unlocking the key to the inevitable down times can be found right within the yourself.

I'm in no way a marriage counsellor, but my husband and I will celebrate our 45th anniversary later this month so figure I can speak with some experience!

If you need someone to talk with you can always PM me.

Best wishes.

 

[eliza61]

have you tried individual counseling?

Might be a good idea. Also don't beat up on yourself Op, marriage is work. While I'm basically a happy person and happy in my marriage. There are days when the daily grind of working, being a wife, being a mom, being a financial officer and simply keeping my heat above water is enough to make me want to run away.
I think we've all had those days where living at WDW looked real good.


Hang in there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There is not a day that passes that I don't think about divorce - or other stupid things (like an affair). There's no serious reasons for the thinking, just the basic daily marriage issues & disagreements. They don't get violent or anything & not usually a yelling match or anything.

Yes, we've tried counseling - went thru 40 hours last Spring. NOTHING has changed.

And I don't believe in divorce. But secretly I wish HE'D have an affair so I would have an excuse.

But then again, he's my best friend......

If only I could live @ the happiest place on earth...everything is great while we're on vacation (usually)

I wish I knew someone that was a counselor in training! LOL that needs to log in some hours

Well, what did you want to change? Are they things that are annoying or things that are deal breakers? It would be hard to stop negative thinking if the things that you want to change are serious.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks for the replies (and they are all kind! ) you never know what you're gonna get on here.

We've been married 15yrs.

Nope, I haven't tried individual counseling yet - actually just started thinking about that yesterday. But I'm afraid all that is gonna get me is just shutup & live with it - Ya know?

I guess to sum it all up - if I have to do everything by myself anyway then maybe I should.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Well, what did you want to change? Are they things that are annoying or things that are deal breakers? It would be hard to stop negative thinking if the things that you want to change are serious.

NOPE - that's the problem.

We have the perfect looking family...we dressup well and play nice with others

 

[mtemm]

Thanks for the replies (and they are all kind! ) you never know what you're gonna get on here.

We've been married 15yrs.

Nope, I haven't tried individual counseling yet - actually just started thinking about that yesterday. But I'm afraid all that is gonna get me is just shutup & live with it - Ya know?

I guess to sum it all up - if I have to do everything by myself anyway then maybe I should.

I'm thinking it might be more helpful to you than you realize. I'm thinking specifically about cognitive behavioral therapy here (mainly because I had a lot of success with it myself, and others I have talked to have had similar results).

(((HUGS)))

I wish you well

 

[The Mystery Machine]

NOPE - that's the problem.

We have the perfect looking family...we dressup well and play nice with others

You didn't answer the question. What are looking to change? I do not understand why your appearance is related to my question.

 

[Jennasis]

There is not a day that passes that I don't think about divorce - or other stupid things (like an affair). There's no serious reasons for the thinking, just the basic daily marriage issues & disagreements. They don't get violent or anything & not usually a yelling match or anything.

Yes, we've tried counseling - went thru 40 hours last Spring. NOTHING has changed.

And I don't believe in divorce. But secretly I wish HE'D have an affair so I would have an excuse.

But then again, he's my best friend......

If only I could live @ the happiest place on earth...everything is great while we're on vacation (usually)

I wish I knew someone that was a counselor in training! LOL that needs to log in some hours

This is extremely telling. You don't believe in divorce...do you believe in misery? Something has to change for both of you, otherwise you will either end up divorced or miserable. I prayed nightly that my ex would cheat on me so that I'd have the greenlight to leave him.

Individual counseling is a great place ti start. It might help you find the strength to make the changes YOU can to better the marriage. Maybe your DH could do indivdual counseling too? Very often couples hold back in therapy when they do it together. They're afraid to say things in front of one another. Individual may be worth a shot.

You do sound supremely unhappy in your situation and I wish I could give you a hug! I've been in your shoes, and it took me a whole lot of personal soul searching and hard work to fix the mess. For me, the answer was divorce. It may not be for you...but something has to happen.

 

[mickeyboat]

Marriage does have its ups and downs. We are having a little dip right now because DH is stressed out to the maximum capacity by his dad's terminal illness. I am giving it some time.

I like to think in terms of where I will be years from now. Will I look back and regret the time I spent with DH? The answer to me is no, because the good times far outweigh the bad, and we are happily married in general.

It seems like I have read other posts of yours recently (please correct me if I am wrong) about sadness and depression - possibly about depression meds. If you are battling a depressive episode right now, I would encourage you not to make any life-altering decisions at this time. I think individual therapy, and an evaluation of your meds is in order.

Hope you are feeling better, soon.

Denae

 

[2nitesSaga]

Try to focus on the positives more then the negatives

 

[luvmyfam444]

You didn't answer the question. What are looking to change? I do not understand why your appearance is related to my question.

I didn't mean real appearance necessarily - we are the ones you'd bump into & think everything is just perfect with them KWIM

I'd love to change tons...I'd actually typed out a few examples on here & thought nah noone really wants the specifics so I deleted it.

In a nutshell - I'd like for him to take charge. Do the things that a "man" should do - or at least hire someone to do 'em. He's one of the types that works (yes, I know be grateful he works) & does nothing else but criticizes me that I handle the kids wrong.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I like to think in terms of where I will be years from now. Will I look back and regret the time I spent with DH? The answer to me is no, because the good times far outweigh the bad, and we are happily married in general.

It seems like I have read other posts of yours recently (please correct me if I am wrong) about sadness and depression - possibly about depression meds. If you are battling a depressive episode right now, I would encourage you not to make any life-altering decisions at this time. I think individual therapy, and an evaluation of your meds is in order.

Hope you are feeling better, soon.

Denae

I don't take any meds - I'm too chicken mainly - I have a filled prescription in my drawer from last year (or the year before ) read the side effects (and opinions on the dis) & that was it for me

 

[luvmyfam444]

I'm thinking it might be more helpful to you than you realize. I'm thinking specifically about cognitive behavioral therapy here (mainly because I had a lot of success with it myself, and others I have talked to have had similar results).

(((HUGS)))

I wish you well

I'll need to google that kind of therapy - it's been a while since I had any psyc classes sounds familiar though.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I didn't mean real appearance necessarily - we are the ones you'd bump into & think everything is just perfect with them KWIM

I'd love to change tons...I'd actually typed out a few examples on here & thought nah noone really wants the specifics so I deleted it.

In a nutshell - I'd like for him to take charge. Do the things that a "man" should do - or at least hire someone to do 'em. He's one of the types that works (yes, I know be grateful he works) & does nothing else but criticizes me that I handle the kids wrong.

I think it's hard to change the dynamics in a relationship overnight. You hear, especially on here, over and over again about being fed up with a certain behavior by a spouse. If for the last 15 years, you have been the one doing the things around the house you are thinking about, then I imagine it's hard to get into a different groove. Why can't you just hire someone yourself?

Obviously it's not just one sided with marriage issues. Maybe you need more than 40 hours of counseling together as well as apart. Maybe it's time redefine the roles in your marriage and what the expectations are from the other. Are you tired and burntout from running kids around and juggling the household? Have you had a conversation about all this recently. No one can read minds.

Lastly, your post about wanting to have an excuse to leave is very telling. You don't want to get to divorced because you don't believe in it or because the pulic apprarence is so good but honestly listening to what you are saying you are almost divorced your heart now. Just something to think about.

 

[Imzadi]

If this isn't just a vent, and you really want to actively do something about the negative thoughts, you have to break your negative thought habit.

Start doing is the Gratitude exercises. Your brain can't really hold two oppositional thoughts and feelings at the same time. When you actively & intentionally think about Gratitude instead, the negative thoughts (even from DH) seem less important. They roll off easier.

This isn't about changing him. It's about changing you. When you get yourself bombproof, it WILL change the dynamic of the relationship. Either he will escalate with the criticisms and try that much more to effect you and see it's not working, you just shrug them off now, or your mood becomes infectious to him.

People who are generally unhappy with themselves often look outside of themselves to criticise & blame, rather than going inward to do the work. People gain temporary power when they criticise & put down others. But, unless you let it affect you, he won't have that power anymore.
When he starts seeing he can't effect you anymore with the criticisms, it may prompt him to look inside himself.

But you do the exercises or counseling to change YOU, not him. He may never change. he may never go to counseling. You will get your answers one way or another. And you've still changed YOU for the better.


Start your morning by thinking of 5 things you are grateful for. You can even write them in a Gratitude Journal.

They can be as simple and basic as:
I'm grateful for. . .

I'm grateful that I woke up this morning.

I'm grateful I'm alive.

I'm grateful for my health.

I'm grateful for fresh ground coffee.

I'm grateful that the car started on such a cold morning.

I'm grateful the kids are healthy.

I'm grateful there was one piece of dark chocolate left.

I'm glad I have a job when so many others are out of work.


Start off just making a list at first. You can even repeat the same ones each day. After a while, make an effort to really take a moment to FEEL the gratitude for each item you listed.

As you notice you are thinking something negative, conciously replace it with a gratitude thought instead. The negative thought have just become habit over 15 years (or maybe 12.) You need to break the pattern. Create a gratitude habit instead.

When you catch yourself thinking, "I could just kill my DH for..."

Replace it with, "I'm grateful I'm not in jail for murder."

I'm grateful the kids have a decent father.

I'm grateful for a husband who does not have affairs.

I'm grateful for the little thing he just did for me/the kids.

It's also good to end the day with 5 things you were grateful for throughout the day. To notice the parts of the day that went well. This puts you in a more restful attitude for sleeping.

 

[Angelhalo]

Originally Posted by luvmyfam444
There is not a day that passes that I don't think about divorce - or other stupid things (like an affair). There's no serious reasons for the thinking, just the basic daily marriage issues & disagreements. They don't get violent or anything & not usually a yelling match or anything.

Yes, we've tried counseling - went thru 40 hours last Spring. NOTHING has changed.

And I don't believe in divorce. But secretly I wish HE'D have an affair so I would have an excuse.

But then again, he's my best friend......

If only I could live @ the happiest place on earth...everything is great while we're on vacation (usually)

I wish I knew someone that was a counselor in training! LOL that needs to log in some hours

Prayer and church are the keys for me. Sadly, I can't say any more than that without getting in trouble.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Yes, I could say I have a very hardened heart without a doubt. could be described as already divorced.

I keep waiting on the major catastrophe to come along that will change things - ya know so we'll fall in love again 'cause something bad happened.

I keep tryinging to think of things positively - though I have NOT tried to keep them in a journal - good idea - seems like Oprah mentioned that MANY years ago.

I try when I'm complaining about the laundry to make my mind think at LEAST I have children to wash clothes for...that kind of thinking. That I at least have a home & bed.

That's what makes this all so difficult! "Cause my thought process shouldn't be like this 'cause I really am blessed ....