How do we explain this to our 6 year old?

[RedHeadedFairy]

It's really not about other people and what different nationalities look like... (Northern VA (D.C. area included) are plenty diverse, trust me my kids are exposed to all nationalities.) This isn't about people outside of the family. This is about wondering why mom, dad and sis/bro look different from themselves, with what they are born with. It's a hard concept to explain. Glasses and braces are pretty cosmetic, compared to a natural hair color, natural eye color...
I guess this really could leak into all aspects of a person in a family being different, and wondering why that is... and possibly wishing that wasn't so.... it could be they are taller than everyone in the family, shorter than everyone in the family, fatter, skinnier, a disability even.... or back to hair color. It really is a natural thing that the person that feels so different wishes or wonders why that is... I guess it is an insecurity... but I'm sure in those families, it's something that child or person is learning to come to terms with... and will learn to accept or outgrow. In our case, my DD was maybe 5 when she realized her hair was blond and not brunette like the rest of us. We explained to her that her grandfather, who was passed on before she was born, and her uncle that she does not remember both have blond hair just like she does. We explained blond hair runs on that side of the family. She doesn't dwell on it, nor did she then... it was just something that made her feel different...and she wasn't sure if she liked that feeling..

As the only fair skinned redhead growing up with my dads extended family that was full blown Sicilian with darker skin, eyes and hair i absolutely agree with your post 1000%. While my sister was blonder than the rest, she also looks exactly like our mom; my coloring comes from a side of my moms family that i never knew. There is a huge difference between your natural features and other enhancements that come with physical maturity. I was 3 when my differences really hit home and it bothered me enough at that age to speak up and share it with my mom. She said she'll never forget that moment because she could already see that it changed the way i thought of myself.

 

[Dani784]

I don't have kids so maybe my answer to this might be totally stupid... I was thinking perhaps the way to help her might be to focus on the differences and make those special rather then the other way around (focusing on what's the same and reinforcing that she should try to be exactly like Rapunzel). That probably doesn't make any sense the way I wrote it so let me see if I can translate my nonsense babbling into coherent English (sadly not one of my strongest suites, Lol).

Your daughter sees that she's different from Rapunzel and her family and she sees that as a bad thing. The first step might be to show her that everyone sticks out in some way - perhaps you can point out to her what makes each member of your family different from all the others. You can also point out how Rapunzel is different from the other princesses - how she sticks out. Step two: explain to her that sticking out - being different - is a good thing. If Rapunzel were like the other princesses, she wouldn't be special. So really, being like Rapunzel is being different and being proud of how your different. Does she have any unique features she likes about herself? Point those out and remind her that if she were exactly like Rapunzel she wouldn't have x or be x way.

Anyways, I really don't know if this kind of thinking is too advanced for a six-year-old. My last experience with one was 20 years ago when I was six, Lol.

I guess her thing is that she sees disney princesses as her standard of beauty. We all have one. For some girls it's Barbie, others its a tv or movie star, others; a music icon and so on. For my little girls, it's princesses. I guess I started it because I pushed disney over barbie(HATE the body and self image issues SHE creates!) and I figured disney was safer territory because it seems more innocent and more fantasy-like than Barbie.

So to help her self esteem issues, we've helped her to see she is just as beautiful as the princesses she so admires. Again, we do reiterate that true beauty comes from within and she is the sweetest child you'll ever meet. But society does play a role and we want her to understand that she's gorgeous by society's standards too. If I could figure out how to post pictures from my iPad I'd let you all see for yourselves.

For now I'm just trying to get her to understand that cutting her hair is necessary ( she has a hard time washing it and is getting to the age where she doesn't want our help when she showers) and she'll still look beautiful. So I was using Rapunzel's short brown hair as an example. I may get mine cut like that too so we're alike. That may help.

I don't ever want to force her though as it's HER hair and should be ultimately her decision.

 

[jwmoss]

From the beginning we have taught our daughters that God makes each person special in His own way. Hair color, eye color, height, skin color, mental capacity, food preferences, sports abilities, etc, etc. And since you are made exactly as God wants you, you are obviously perfect. God doesn't make mistakes or make ugly!
In your specific Rapunzel situation, I would definitely let Rapunzel answer your daughter about her hair. I guarantee you she will have the perfect answer - and your daughter will be on cloud nine as she enjoys her unique time with her favorite princess!

(PS - my daughter is 9 and loves Rapunzel too. Her hair is very dark brown, and down to her rear. She won't cut it because she wants it long and pretty like Rapunzel's.)

 

[Dani784]

You say you really don't believe in dyeing young girls hair to fit in but you want the characters to handle questions about people looking different? How exactly would you handle if your daughter's skin was brown instead of Rapunzel skin white?

We've handled the skin color deal already. We've told her how God made us all different colors because just one would be boring. I used flowers as an example. If all flowers were blue, they wouldn't make such pretty bouquets.

As far as expecting the characters to explain it, I'm actually afraid to put them on the spot like that, hence why I am asking here ten months before our trip. I know it will come up sooner or later because I know my kid. I just fear what could happen if she asks Rapunzel in person and catches her off guard.

No need to get upset or offended!

I should note that my 7 year old son and my daughter only VERY recently realized people come in different colors. It's not that they never saw other races, they just didn't notice. Amazing how pure and innocent the eyes of a child are. To them, we're all the same!

ETA: we've used the same reasoning to explain why her hair and eyes are different. But she seems content to be white but not to be a brunette with hazel eyes! She wants blond hair and blue eyes like her siblings. Truthfully, I find her uniqueness to be quite becoming. Could be because she's the only one of my four children to have my hair and eye coloring. We're all a bit narcissistic! Lol

Also I suspect if her skin were brown, she would like Tiana best!

 

[pfalcioni]

But society does play a role and we want her to understand that she's gorgeous by society's standards too.

She's 6. All 6-year old girls are beautiful. Healthy society doesn't have any "standards" for "beauty" in a 6-year-old. Unless you buy into those baby beauty pageants.

 

[Dani784]

She's 6. All 6-year old girls are beautiful. Healthy society doesn't have any "standards" for "beauty" in a 6-year-old. Unless you buy into those baby beauty pageants.

But it will. Self esteem starts in childhood. A child has to be "taught" to have low self esteem and society starts doing that at a very young age. For example, take the recent controversy over the new Merida image. Even dear disney tries to force this standard of beauty on girls. By taking a perfectly beautiful and natural Merida and turning her into a sparkly, skinnier, made up version, they basically said she wasn't good enough the way she was. Yes, all 6 year olds are beautiful but that doesn't mean they know or feel it.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Tell her it's a wig (you won't even be lying) because people want to see her with her long hair.

 

[pfalcioni]

But it will. Self esteem starts in childhood.

It does not need to be tied to physical beauty and sex appeal at that age. Sure, there's all sorts of media pressure these days, but that doesn't mean it has anything to do with a 6-year-old girl disliking her hair color.

I'm trying to say that media images, peer pressure, all that and everything else have less to do with young girls liking or disliking their hair than you may think. We all want what we don't have. It's always been that way. I grew up in the 1960's, we didn't have a color TV until I was in Jr. High, and my parents didn't get cable until I went away to college, and I still hated my hair.

 

[momof2n2]

She might not ask until afterward if she's really caught up in the moment.

You can point out that the stuff you buy in the store with Rapunzel all has her with long hair and they (WDW) want her to match that.

As you mention you don't do Santa/Tooth Fairy, etc. (nor do we), I'd just honestly acknowledge its a lady pretending to be Rapunzel and they (WDW) chose the hair from the festival for her costume for when people meet her. Mine have always always know the characters (face or not) are just normal people dressed up and it had never taken away from the magic feeling while they are there. (Or at Chuck E Cheese for that matter.)

 

[Patience]

In our society, blond is seen as more beautiful and desirable than brunette. I should know, I'm a brunette too. The only brunette in a family of blondes, just like my daughter. She's so beautiful but really really insecure and while we try to instill that true beauty is on the inside, with today's world, she can't help feeling subpar.

I find your comments above to be very telling. She "can't help feeling subpar"? Obviously you feel that blond is more beautiful and brunette is "subpar" and your perceptive daughter has picked up on your feelings and therefore feels bad about being the only brunette child in the family. I am not trying to be "snarky" but trying to point out that kids are very perceptive and often listen and learn more from what their parents don't say than what they do. Your daughter has learned to feel as you do about blond versus brunette hair.

I have a 6 year old daughter too and she looks very different from the rest of our family because she was adopted and is Asian. We teach, model AND truly believe that diversity is beautiful so our daughters (who are as different in looks as they can possibly be) feel this way too and have healthy self images.

Regarding the princesses, my 6 year old's favorite princess is Belle and her current second favorite is Tiana. She is, however, wearing Cinderella's wedding dress for our upcoming trip to Disney because she is fascinated with brides right now after being in her older cousin's wedding. She doesn't care a hoot that Cindy has blond hair and she doesn't. She just wants to wear what she finds to be a beautiful dress. As for the hair color of the princesses, two are blondes, one is sometimes blond and sometimes brunette, one is brown haired, two are redheads, and five have black hair (Tiana, Pocahontas, Snow White, Mulan, Jasmine). Tink is blond but the other fairies are not. There are lots of chances at Disney to point out and admire popular characters who are not blond. As for what to tell your daughter about Rapunzel's long blond hair at her meet and greet, just point out that she is not wearing her wedding dress. If she was wearing her wedding dress, her hair would be short and brown as it is in the movie. No need to make a big deal about it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I find your comments above to be very telling. She "can't help feeling subpar"? Obviously you feel that blond is more beautiful and brunette is "subpar" and your perceptive daughter has picked up on your feelings and therefore feels bad about being the only brunette child in the family. I am not trying to be "snarky" but trying to point out that kids are very perceptive and often listen and learn more from what their parents don't say than what they do. Your daughter has learned to feel as you do about blond versus brunette hair.

I have a 6 year old daughter too and she looks very different from the rest of our family because she was adopted and is Asian. We teach, model AND truly believe that diversity is beautiful so our daughters (who are as different in looks as they can possibly be) feel this way too and have healthy self images.

Regarding the princesses, my 6 year old's favorite princess is Belle and her current second favorite is Tiana. She is, however, wearing Cinderella's wedding dress for our upcoming trip to Disney because she is fascinated with brides right now after being in her older cousin's wedding. She doesn't care a hoot that Cindy has blond hair and she doesn't. She just wants to wear what she finds to be a beautiful dress. As for the hair color of the princesses, two are blondes, one is sometimes blond and sometimes brunette, one is brown haired, two are redheads, and five have black hair (Tiana, Pocahontas, Snow White, Mulan, Jasmine). Tink is blond but the other fairies are not. There are lots of chances at Disney to point out and admire popular characters who are not blond. As for what to tell your daughter about Rapunzel's long blond hair at her meet and greet, just point out that she is not wearing her wedding dress. If she was wearing her wedding dress, her hair would be short and brown as it is in the movie. No need to make a big deal about it.

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OP I would also get on the line to meet Merida Introduce her to Mulan let her meet "strong/non-stereotypical" Disney females What bothers me too is how she feels about herself There must be books in the library or elsewhere about looking different and feeling good about that stories that you can read together that may help

 

[bluejasmine]

Oh I definitely understand! I'm a brunette, my hair is quite dark and I always envied blond hair and blue eyes growing up.

It wasn't until about 7 yrs ago I realized how lucky I am with my dark hair and tan skin tone. Someone told my husband I looked exotic and it really helped the way I look at myself.

My DD is 16 but growing up also hated being brunette, and her tan skin b/c all the kids on the bus would call her Mexican, not that there is anything wrong with Mexican! I told her that we are dark b/c my father was from Indonesia so we are Asian. I live in the south where ppl are not so understanding so now they just think we are Phillipino ! Lol I just gave up!

Maybe try and explain to your daughter different is good, being yourself is good, why be like everyone else? Point out how she is beautiful and point out other pretty brunettes, wether it be at the mall or her favorite tv shows or even people magazine.

As far as Rapunzel I'd tell her that she got her magic flower back...

ASMU/POR Dec 16-22, 2012 & CR Sept 8-15, 2013

 

[Luvchefmic]

When my kids were little "Free to Be You and Me" Marlo Thomas theres a ton of others out there
http://www.parentbooks.ca/Self_Esteem.html

 

[Magpie]

You say you really don't believe in dyeing young girls hair to fit in but you want the characters to handle questions about people looking different? How exactly would you handle if your daughter's skin was brown instead of Rapunzel skin white?

I don't see what's wrong about asking questions of characters, especially really obvious ones like this. I have EVERY faith in them that they have answers prepared, and will have a graceful response. It's not putting them on the spot, it's what they're trained to do!

And anyway, it's not a giant question about people looking different. It's simply, "Why isn't your hair still brown, the way it was at the end of the movie?"

If the Tiana in the parks was a white girl, you bet people would be asking, "Why aren't you black, the way you were in the movie?"

From the beginning we have taught our daughters that God makes each person special in His own way. Hair color, eye color, height, skin color, mental capacity, food preferences, sports abilities, etc, etc. And since you are made exactly as God wants you, you are obviously perfect. God doesn't make mistakes or make ugly!
In your specific Rapunzel situation, I would definitely let Rapunzel answer your daughter about her hair. I guarantee you she will have the perfect answer - and your daughter will be on cloud nine as she enjoys her unique time with her favorite princess!

(PS - my daughter is 9 and loves Rapunzel too. Her hair is very dark brown, and down to her rear. She won't cut it because she wants it long and pretty like Rapunzel's.)

As a parent of a lovely young lady who was born with a facial difference that made her a very unusual looking baby, I can only say...

God has an interesting sense of humour!

Tell her it's a wig (you won't even be lying) because people want to see her with her long hair.

I think this suggestion has real possibilities! I like how it's grounded in truth, but doesn't destroy the illusion that she's the "real" princess. Why shouldn't a princess wear a wig, when she's dressing up?

When my kids were little "Free to Be You and Me" Marlo Thomas theres a ton of others out there
http://www.parentbooks.ca/Self_Esteem.html

I had this as an album when I was a child and listened to it over and over. LOVE this recommendation! It's available as a book and a dvd, but personally I'd get the audio version and play it at bedtime. I still remember happily going to sleep to "Ladies First" about a girl who always insists on going first, because she's a "Lady", who ultimately ends up eaten by a tiger... first!

 

[luvmy3]

I can understand what you are going through, my dd is the only blonde in a family of brunettes (including all her aunts/uncles and cousins). When she was younger she just wanted to look like everyone else in the family because she felt very different from them. Luckily it wasn't something that she dwelled on and had no effect on her self esteem. She still talks about dyeing her hair dark, but that is because she wants to put some pink in it and it just wouldn't look good as with her blonde color

If I was in your position, I'd just tell her that Rapunzel is wearing a wig because when she is at the Park people want to see her very long hair because they have never seen anyone with hair that long before.

 

[LisaTC]

I'd show her pictures of Rapunzel in the park, and comment on the fact that she has long blonde hair. I'd agree with her that it's puzzling.

This was my DD. She said Rapunzel NOW has short brown hair. Kids are very observant when they want to be. They also like to blend in. It's a normal progression at that age. Looking differently than others in your family can be daunting and confusing. My DH's family is first generation Italian American. My mother was part Italian/part Native American. My father...English decent with red hair. Many of my cousins are light skinned, red hair. My DD is dark, dark eyes and long, dark curly, curly hair. Even when she was born the nurses couldn't believe how black her eyes were. She's never looked like any other kid. She's got beautiful olive skin. She's her dad's mini-me. That said, she feels it...the difference. Feeling it doesn't necessarily equate to insecurity...it may just equate to confusion. So many people compliment me and her on what a pretty girl she is or her beautiful, long curly hair. (which she hates, btw as all her friends have straight)

It can be confusing to be a kids. I'm all for the wig explanation, because at the end of the story, she has short brown hair and at the end of the day, so does your DD have brown hair. BRUNETTES UNITE!

 

[kreckl]

Have faith in the CM'S!
The first time we took our son to Disney, he was 5. To make the experience more meaningful, we enjoyed several Disney films beforehand on family movie nights ( he really hadn't seen more than 1 or 2). His favorite quickly became Mary Poppins.
Now we are at WS, visiting with Pooh and Friends in the bookstore. We exit out into a courtyard where Alice ( he had no clue who she was and just walked past her) and Mary Poppins were just appearing. Nobody else was there! My boy is not at all shy, but he hung back, eyeing her from about 10 feet away. She was beckoning to him to come say hello, so he grabbed my hand and we moved closer. Now by now, I knew something was up. He wasn't overly excited. After her chatting to him for a few minutes, asking how he liked his vacation, etc. - he said "You look different. You don't look like Mary Poppins". (of course her outfit was exactly the same as the movie). She was awesome! She asked what he meant, which I thought was perfect so she could tell him what he needed to hear and no more, no less...
He said her eyes were different, and her voice didn't sound the same. Without skipping a beat she instantly said "You must be comparing me to Julie Andrews. She DOES look and sound a little different but I think its quite a remarkable likeness, don't you think?" and went on to explain how SHE couldn't film a movie, as she had the children to look after, he could understand that...? So very quick and perfectly in character.
Now, no flames about "lying" to my kid. We were very happy with her response and the little big of magic and childhood she was so sensitively able to give to our little boy. After a few minutes more of chatting and hugs she moved on to other kids. She was obviously so skilled at gauging where he was coming from and making him comfortable. For a long time after our trip he told everyone he met the "real' Mary Poppins, and actually from that day on has been very interested in movies, actors, and filming. Now at ten, he often writes scripts with cast lists- which famous person would make a good whoever in his film- and I know where it started!
Of course, it might be different with an animated character. But I would bet that Disney has this figured out as well.

 

[lauradis]

Try green eyes in family of brown eyes.. Oh how I hated that till I hit teen years...

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

It will be interesting to see whose features my daughter is born with in a few weeks. She could either be a redhead or a dark brunette. I'm betting on dark brunette as that is a dominant trait.

But I know the extended family on my side will give her crap about not carrying on the redhead tradition. Her father and I are going to have to make sure she understands that her features (whatever they are) are just as special.

The difficult part is not going too far the other way. I've known a few people whose parents overcompensated for a kid's low self-esteem and created a monster who thinks their stuff doesn't stink as an adult. I remember as kids their parents let them obsess over having glasses, brown hair, being short, and went way too far in giving them special treatment to boost their self-esteem. And kids are smart. The more they talked about feeling badly, the more special treatment they got. As adults today these people have an over-inflated ego and don't understand why the world doesn't kiss their feet.

 

[smitch425]

Just read the OP again and have a question. You say your daughter is the only brunette in a family of blonds, but you also said you are a brunette, so which is true?