How do I help this friend? (long)

[SleepyMom]

I have been friends with "K" for close to 20 years, we are always there for each other. The past 5 years have been very tough for her, more than any one person should have to endure... every time there seems to be a glimmer of light for her to reach out to, something happens and even more darkness surrounds her. I honestly could not have held up in her place, she is one strong lady.

Last week she told me on Thursday that even though she loves her H (can't call him DH) that she has decided to ask for a divorce. He has medical problems and hasn't been able to work the past 2 years. When he is on his meds he has explosive horrible mood swings and when he is off his meds he is even worse. He is very abusive verbally and emotionally and the past 3 to 4 months it has esculated to nearly non-stop and has crossed over to physical at times. They have 2 kids and she just can't live like this anymore.

On Friday she called and did something I know was very hard for her, she asked us for money to help pay for a lawyer. My DH and I talked it over and sent her a check the next day. She lives about 120 miles from us.

On Saturday she told him of her plans and he really exploded. He has the kids with him at his parents house (about 50 miles from where they live) and is telling her he is keeping them and has registered the boy (12) in school there.

I've spoke with her several times this week, but today's call has me heartbroken and stunned at the level she has fallen to.

I don't even know if I can describe the despair, he has her convinced she is worthless and of no good to the kids so she is talking nonsense about not ruining their lives. She has given up basically. He has beaten down her spirit so bad. Now she's not planning to get a lawyer anymore and says she will sign whatever he brings her, she is ready to give him everything so that he can take care of the kids because she is convinced she can't.

I told her she has to see a lawyer, if for nothing else to at least have a buffer between her and her H.

The thing that scared me the most was she told me if something happens to her and it looks like suicide to not believe it, he told her he will kill her and make it look like she did it herself so he won't go to jail. He said she would be dead before the end of the year.

I've begged her to go get a restraining order, let the police know what is happening, but she is afraid because of something that started this downward spiral 5 years ago that involved the police and she is afraid to trust them now. Her H knows this and is using it against her.

I don't know what I can do for her, I'm scared and heartbroken that she is so... I don't even know what word to use. She has always been such a strong person, able to pick up and keep moving despite set back after setback. I've always been amazed by that part of her. It's like this is the final straw and she has lost herself.

At the same time I am mad as I can be that she is even considering doing this to her kids. She has given up. After being so strong the past 5 years through awful things I can't believe this is the time she decides to not fight.

Mostly I just needed to vent, I can't be mad at her, she needs me to be supportive. I don't know what I can do to help her, I am going to call again in the morning to see how she is. I'm just really worried and can't sleep tonight thinking about it.

 

[holycow]

this is tremendously sad. I will definately say some prayers for this woman.

She needs counselling.
She needs and attorney.
She needs to contact the police and tell them everything. Even if she doesn't trust them. They have to document her story.
Her poor children! She needs to be strong for them. I fear for their safety as well. Even if they are with the Inlaws.

I think I would go and see her and get her out of the house or where ever she is and help her see the light.

Holycow

 

[poohandwendy]

I think all you can do is continue to support her and try to help her understand how the decisions she makes now will determine the future. Maybe she will talk to a counselor? It sounds like she needs professional help, to be honest. She is in a funk that sounds like clinical depression to me.

You can lead a horse to water... the rest is really up to her. If she just gives up, there really is not much you can do. It's a shame to see the train wrecking. I understand.

I hope things get better for her. They really won't unless she takes action. It's such a shame to watch people self destruct.

 

[minkydog]

Have her get in contact with her attorney ASAP. And locate a battered women's organization for her. She may be so emotionally beaten that she can't make appropriate decisions right now. Encourage her not to sign ANYTHING unless her lawyer has reviewed it.

As her friend, there's only so much you can do. Love her, support her, and be willing to let her handle this her way. Abusers get more abusive when their victims try to leave. Don't say anything negative about her husband because she could very well go back to him. She's getting tremedous pressure from him and probably the kids, too. Stay out of the decision-making--she has to do this herself.

 

[ItGirl753]

Wow, just want to give you some support. I agree with the other posters here so I won't repeat everything. All you can do is check on her. Maybe you can see her or bring her to your house for a few days?

 

[SleepyMom]

I have told her to see someone (to talk to) and on Monday she told me when she went into work on Tuesday she was going to talk with the employee resource person and was hoping they could steer her towards help. She took Wednesday and today off to start doing things, but as far as I can tell she didn't follow through. He stopped by on both days, which probably prevented her from going out. She has not contacted a lawyer at this point.

I know she won't come here, it's too far and she has used all but one or two of her last vacation days, so she wants to save them. I do know she has a safe house lined up, someone she works with that lives out of town and that her H doesn't know, she actually spent one night there a week before this all started. The lady and her DH have been wonderful to K and I am so thankful to them even though we've never met. K only met this lady in the past 6 months.

I am trying to be careful in what I say to her. It's just hard to sit back and watch her give up. I never thought in a million years that she would self-destruct like this so quickly. I told her when she first told me about wanting a divorce (before she said anything to him) that it was going to be rough and a fight, but she was hoping at that point that they would be able to work together. It's only been one week and she is lower right now than I have ever known her to be, or thought that she could be.

Other than the physical threats I think he is emotionally blackmailing her.

I am scared for the kids as well. Although the boy (12) has been watching this for so long that he now treats his Mom the way his dad does, with no respect. The things that boy says to her just kills me. The girl is only 3, but the dad says everything in front of her as well. You know that isn't healthy for them. I think K worries if she does get them that the boy will continue with his attitude towards her.

She goes to work at noon tomorrow, so I am going to call her in the morning. I'm hoping after getting some sleep she will see the need for a lawyer again. I almost wonder if he didn't find out about the money we sent to her and took it for himself.

The money thing bothers me. I'm afraid she might feel like she needs to keep things from me now, so that I don't feel like I wasted my money or something. Does that make sense? Or she may feel she has to take my advice about whatever because of the money. That isn't the case though... when DH and I discussed it, we knew there was a chance of never seeing it again and to ourselves we just considered it as a gift not a loan (she insisted she would pay us back when she asked). If someday she re-pays us, fine. If not, OK.

Ahhhh, I'm rambling. It's late and I really should go to bed...

 

[ItGirl753]

SleepyMom,
I know you care about her, but I do hope she uses the money to help her situation! I am just afraid for her safety, but hopefully they are empty threats just to beat her spirit.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Wow! What an awful situtation! Do you mind me asking what his medical problems are that would cause these kinds of behaviors??

 

[RadioNate]

120 miles is only a 2 hour drive. Could you go up there over the weekend? Actually your DH because I'm not sure it would be safe for you. Can you call the police yourself? or would that make things worse?

She needs to talk to someone at a domestic violence center. They can direct her to lawyers who specialize in this kind of thing.

There is someone here who does something with domestic violence victims (or at least used too) hopefully they will respond.

 

[tkd lisa]

I feel so badly for all of you. I strongly suggest she contact the victims advocate office. It's usually associated with the courthouse. I'd find out where you get a protective/restraining order (in my case it was the clerk of the county court), and ask them if there's a victim advocate program.

Some of you remember what happened to me last summer, but in many ways it was very similar to this story. My (now-ex) husband is bi-polar and became extremely unstable. When I split, he completely lost it and ended up coming after us with a high powered rifle. Thank God, the police stopped him, and he's now serving a 5 year prison sentence.

Frankly, but for the grace of God, your friend could have been me. I am blessed to be a fairly strong person who has an excellent job. I took the kids, filed a protective order and left. We are safe today, my ex is in jail, and we've moved into a new life. Feel free to pm me if you want more specifics, or if I can help in any way.

The victims advocate office had a lot of information and resources. They were pro-active in checking on my and the kids. They are the professionals. Let them help! They know how to deal with victims (and all the ploys the abuser uses). Lacking that, focus on the children and their needs. I know that my mental abuse had been going on for years. It wasn't until I felt my children were at risk that I finally left.

 

[MELSMICE]

I hope she gets the help she needs.

 

[Rajah]

this is tremendously sad. I will definately say some prayers for this woman.

She needs counselling.
She needs and attorney.
She needs to contact the police and tell them everything. Even if she doesn't trust them. They have to document her story.
Her poor children! She needs to be strong for them. I fear for their safety as well. Even if they are with the Inlaws.

I think I would go and see her and get her out of the house or where ever she is and help her see the light.

Holycow

How scary and sad for your friend. Prayers for this situation

 

[SleepyMom]

OK, now I am even more confused and worried than I was last night. When I tried to call her this morning I couldn't get an answer, over and over. I kept hoping she had went to the friends house that she works with, but I stupidly never asked for that number in case of an emergency.

A little after 11 (she has to be to work at noon) my phone rang and it was her H looking for her. He told me no one has heard from her and he wanted to know when I spoke to her last. He said she called him last night around 9 and was talking about disappearing and no one has heard from her since.

He told me she has been drinking heavily the past two months and that is why he is keeping the kids, also that her job is on the line. I wondered if what he is telling me is to get him on to his *side* or if it is the truth. He said a few other things that make me wonder as well. He was very upfront about getting me phone #'s of her family so I could call them to check on her.

I hung up with him and tried her home # again and she answered. She told me she had stayed at the friend's house and was just home long enough to change clothes and go to work. I told her he had called and was looking for her because of the weird things she was saying yesterday and that he wanted to know when I heard from her, she told me it was OK to call him back and let him know all was fine and she was going to work.

I honestly don't know what to think at this moment. One thing he said has got me wondering if that is why he really called me... he said all was fine and that it was going well with them divorcing and she was going to let him keep the kids until a few days ago when "someone" got her all hyped up about the custody issue and now she was bent on trying to fight him. He also mentioned that I am her only good friend who thinks straight . He didn't say the two were related, but I wondered if maybe that was his way of telling me to back off and to stop giving her ideas of lawyers and such.

Some of what he says is ringing a little true. I am really confused and don't have a clue what to think right now. She tells me he is a master at twisting things to make him look like the victim. Thankfully she is OK and at work right now. I won't be able to talk to her again until tomorrow afternoon, because she works late tonight and then the early shift tomorrow, so maybe we can have a better conversation then and I will be able to understand this a bit better.

Wow! What an awful situtation! Do you mind me asking what his medical problems are that would cause these kinds of behaviors??

He has a rare condition called Wegener's Disease plus a few other things. He has some arthritis that causes swelling in his hands so bad sometimes that he can't even dress himself, there is a lot of pain involved with it. Also, during a ct scan late last year they found 3 lesions on his brain, he has refused so far to do another scan to see if they have grown or doing any damage. I think those are probably what is causing the mood swings along with all the medication he has to take.