How do I get my kids to get ALONG????

[DVCLiz]

Oh my gosh, that has to be the most beautiful, heartfelt thing I have ever read! Thank you so much! Our DD's are 8 years apart and we CONSTANTLY deal with this: critizing, belittling, the "she always gets her way". My girls are adopted and DD5 has to deal with a crappy birthfather (long story) and DD13 has different BParents. Alot of time we cut DD5 some slack, but it's really not fair I know, bad mom!

I will copy this and also pass it on to everyone I know. Siblings will fight but so far our response is (to the 13DD - "how old are you and how old is your sister?" Yeah, that goes over well!

Thanks! I have about a million flaws as a parent, but I'll have to say that was one of my finest moments!!!!! It did really seem to make my older DD understand. And honestly, my girls weren't having the kinds of really intense issues the OP seems to - just the normal sibling stuff. But it got on my nerves!!! Also, in the OP's defense, hers are closer together and that seems to make a difference. My oldest had already moved into and out of each stage before her younger sister ever got to it, so there was less to argue about since they had completely different interests and younger DD wasn't ready for some of older sister's more mature things and activities.

I'll have to say, if you can make your children understand, the payoff is so enormous. We have been waiting for DD19 to get home, and last night when she came in the door and I saw them hug each other and listened to them make plans for the night (which included several rounds of the new Disney Scene It 2nd edition, and then a sing-off using the SingStar they got for Christmas last year) I felt really great!!!

 

[veraletta]

I found that every time my kids would fight, that they were bored so I told them they must need something to do, so I give out chores.
One would send to clean the bathtub out, while one would empty the dish washer, that way the fighting had a pay off for me, but not for them.
LOL

 

[twooley2]

I used to make them sit and hold hands for a set amount of time, like being punished. They hated that ... LOL

 

[Disney 'Ohana]

My older two fight all the time too. But they always seem to be so well behaved on vacation. *scratch head* No fights at all, very pleasant & even helpful. I don't get it. They may surprise you just like mine have.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

Siblings are a crapshoot IMHO. Some get along, some hate each other. I would absolutely not try to get them to "get along". I would tell them that they had to be civil to each other in public, and that they had to just avoid each other otherwise. Trust me, DH's mom tried to force her kids to "get along" with disasterous consequences. I don't ever want to be in the position that she is in now with her children, so I'm just realistic about sibling relationships now. Kids don't have to "get along". The do have to behave in a civil fashion towards each other, but that's it. If it were me, I'd take one kid and DH would take the other and we'd do things separately on vacation. In 5 years the 13 year-old will be 18 and probably won't want to go on family vacations anymore anyways, so this is a temporary thing.

 

[tink576]

2. You make them do EVERYTHING together... make it like the 3 legged race and have them do whatever tasks are on the list for the day. There might be alot of fighting at first, but soon they will see that if they work together the work will get done. It is a good team building thing (we did this at one of my jobs one time)...

reminds me of the parent trap movie

 

[shellbelle1971]

One day it dawned on me that two of my kids were always fighting because they didn't really love each other, and the best way to build love for someone is to give service meaningful service to them. So with that in mind, I had separate discussions with all of our children about serving one another, and asked them to each find ways to serve each other.

When they did a service (anything from "let Charity have the good ski gloves this time even though it was my turn" to "made Elijah's bed for him") they could either write it down, email, or text it to me. (I helped the little ones.) All the kids participated, but I assigned the two who were fighting to make a special effort to focus on each other.

Also, when someone noticed they had received a service, they also wrote it down, texted, or emailed it to me. I kept track of all these things for a week. At the end of the week, we read what everyone had written. Of course people were much better about reporting the service they had done than the ones they had received! I took every opportunity during the week to talk with each child individually about how good giving made them feel.

The next week we kept up with our "service project" but without all the writing, and at the end of the week had another "report" with each child talking about one particular thing he/she had done AND one thing he/she noticed a sibling had done for them. Good results!

Now after church each week during Sunday dinner, we have an ongoing "service report." It has really helped our children learn to love each other more and get along better. They're not perfect, and there's still an occasional squabble, but it's much, much better than it was.

 

[Thats_for_Shore]

Seven kids??? Do you really have seven kids?? God bless you, you must be exhausted!

 

[Elmo888]

There's something else I thuoght of, OP, that might be helpful. When mine were small and the oldest started to pick at her little sister (they are 5 years apart), I said, "You know, you are the kind of girl you are because of the way Daddy and I treated you. You will grow up to be a particular kind of person because of what we taught you. But your sister is going to have not only Daddy and me, but you, to watch and learn from. If you want her to always be annoying to you, then you keep picking at her and making fun of things she can't do as well as you, or arguing because she wants something that is yours. But if you want a sister you can call on the phone and have fun with when you are old ladies after Daddy and I are gone, you need to understand that you are starting that relationship right now when you are children. So you decide which kind of sister you want when you get older - one who avoids you and won't ever be there for you or one that is close and a blessing in your grownup life?"

Boy, for some reason it was putting it in those terms that worked. I am so happy about the relationship my DDs have - they often have "sister time" wnen DD19 gets home on a college break - they go to dinner and a movie, or shop, or watch videos in bed together. But I did have to nip some of that girl fighting stuff in the bud when they were younger.

That's beautiful. Can I quote you??? How old was your older daughter when you told her that and she understood? My DDs are almost 5 years apart. They are 7 (almost 8) and 3. I think that the beauty of your statement is that you gave her the responsibility and ownership of the decision. And it sounds like she took it and ran!

 

[Elmo888]

Siblings are a crapshoot IMHO. Some get along, some hate each other. I would absolutely not try to get them to "get along". I would tell them that they had to be civil to each other in public, and that they had to just avoid each other otherwise. Trust me, DH's mom tried to force her kids to "get along" with disasterous consequences. I don't ever want to be in the position that she is in now with her children, so I'm just realistic about sibling relationships now. Kids don't have to "get along". The do have to behave in a civil fashion towards each other, but that's it. If it were me, I'd take one kid and DH would take the other and we'd do things separately on vacation. In 5 years the 13 year-old will be 18 and probably won't want to go on family vacations anymore anyways, so this is a temporary thing.

I disagree somewhat. While you can't make them get along and interfere in their relationship, you can certainly foster their relationship as the parent (and, on the flip side, ruin their relationship). I don't get along with my sister, and my parents are heartbroken, but they are a large part of why we ended up where we are today. It wasn't because they were forcing us to get along, but for more complicated reasons (how we were treated).

Don't get me wrong - I have no fantasies of my daughters being best friends, but I do think that I can do things to foster their relationship (and avoid things that will lessen the chances of a good relationship).

 

[DVCLiz]

That's beautiful. Can I quote you??? How old was your older daughter when you told her that and she understood? My DDs are almost 5 years apart. They are 7 (almost 8) and 3. I think that the beauty of your statement is that you gave her the responsibility and ownership of the decision. And it sounds like she took it and ran!

Sure!! I think she was probably about that age - once the usual sibling stuff started and younger DD began to be a little bit of a pest.

DD19 doesn't remember this talk today, by the way!!!!! She thinks I made all this up - but I DO remember having this talk with her!!!!!!! And they are very close today, so SOMETHING must have made an impression....

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I disagree somewhat. While you can't make them get along and interfere in their relationship, you can certainly foster their relationship as the parent (and, on the flip side, ruin their relationship). I don't get along with my sister, and my parents are heartbroken, but they are a large part of why we ended up where we are today. It wasn't because they were forcing us to get along, but for more complicated reasons (how we were treated).

Don't get me wrong - I have no fantasies of my daughters being best friends, but I do think that I can do things to foster their relationship (and avoid things that will lessen the chances of a good relationship).

When 2 people just don't like each other, there isn't anything a parent can do to help the kids have a relationship. It's no different than not liking your assigned college roommate...it's a crapshoot. You have to be civil, but you may very well never have a real relationship.

My parents did nothing to foster my relationship with my sister. Our personalities are compatible and we are close. DH's sister is pure evil and his mother tried to force a relationship right up to adulthood. I don't think I need to explain how that all ended up.

I've known too many other siblings who just had nothing in common and no "relationship" despite the fact that they held no animosity towards each other. If it's not there, it's not there no matter what a parent does.

If we ever have another child, we already decided that we will always tell both kids that they have to behave in a civil fashion towards one another but that they aren't expected to have a relationship with one another if they just aren't feeling it. Hey, I hope my kids do like and love each other, but I don't actually expect it and I sure won't try to force it. MIL already taught me that lesson I expect them to treat each other decently while they're growing up, but otherwise I have no expectations. If I have more than 1 kid, it's because I wanted more than 1 kid and not because I wanted a sibling for my first kid, KWIM?

 

[bellebud]

DH's sister is pure evil and his mother tried to force a relationship right up to adulthood.

Your dh's situation sounds one-sided though... it sounds more like dh's mom ignoring his sisters bad behavior and just wanting your dh to get along with her no matter how she acted; his mom not holding his sister accountable or responsible for things, etc... not a 'normal' sibling fighting thing like OP is experiencing. The OP isn't saying 'one of my kids is horrible' like your dh's sister is/was, it's just 2 normal kids fighting.

OP - just wanted you to know you're not alone. my ds6 and dd8 fight like cats and dogs, then get along great the next minute, but at times I feel like the fighting is way more than in other households. I read the 'siblings without rivalry' book... while i somewhat liked it and do use some of the ideas, my kids still fight horribly at times. Glad you started this thread and i'll be reading for more ideas! I like the idea of them doing things for each other and us writing it down. I just asked my kids as i was reading this if they 'loved' each other... dd said yes but i think she thought she had to or just should say that, and ds was honest and said 'only sort of... because she always makes mean faces at me and she's mrs. prom queen and so mean to me and makes me cry!' We all talked about this for a few minutes, and I'm going to remember to periodically talk to them each about this. Of course, right now they're sitting on the couch next to each other watching tv together.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

Your dh's situation sounds one-sided though... it sounds more like dh's mom ignoring his sisters bad behavior and just wanting your dh to get along with her no matter how she acted; his mom not holding his sister accountable or responsible for things, etc... not a 'normal' sibling fighting thing like OP is experiencing. The OP isn't saying 'one of my kids is horrible' like your dh's sister is/was, it's just 2 normal kids fighting.

OP - just wanted you to know you're not alone. my ds6 and dd8 fight like cats and dogs, then get along great the next minute, but at times I feel like the fighting is way more than in other households. I read the 'siblings without rivalry' book... while i somewhat liked it and do use some of the ideas, my kids still fight horribly at times. Glad you started this thread and i'll be reading for more ideas! I like the idea of them doing things for each other and us writing it down. I just asked my kids as i was reading this if they 'loved' each other... dd said yes but i think she thought she had to or just should say that, and ds was honest and said 'only sort of... because she always makes mean faces at me and she's mrs. prom queen and so mean to me and makes me cry!' We all talked about this for a few minutes, and I'm going to remember to periodically talk to them each about this. Of course, right now they're sitting on the couch next to each other watching tv together.

I agree that my DH's situation was 1 sided with the MIL ignoring SIL's bad behavior, but my feelings about sibling relationships aren't just based upon that. MIL's situation taught me an important lesson in not getting involved in the relationship (or lack thereof) between your kids, though. I don't know too many siblings that are truly close...again, I believe that it's a crapshoot. I got lucky in that my personality meshes well with my sibling's personality. My mom, dad, and DH...not so much. They all ended up with siblings with whom they either had nothing in common or with whom they outright clashed.

Some siblings aren't well matched in terms of personality, and they will clash no matter what their parents do. I'd just tell them to avoid/ignore each other for the time being if it were me. Maybe eventually they'll grow to like one another (and maybe not), but in the meantime at least the parents won't have to listen to fighting.

 

[shellbelle1971]

Seven kids??? Do you really have seven kids?? God bless you, you must be exhausted!

Yep, they're great kids, though. The oldest two help so much with the little ones that everything works out well--today I even got a nap!

 

[RN01]

Thanks for all the info. I'm not really trying to get my kids to like or love each other, I just want them to get half way along. In other words, when we sit down for a meal together (which we try to everyday) not having them start fighting and ruin the meal. Or when we go out somewhere together, embarrass me by arguing with each other. I feel like it's more than just normal fighting. For instance: When one is trying to be nice to the other, the other yells and is mean back to her. And the other way around. We've tried being strict and punishing them and it works for a day or two then they are back to the way it was.