How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[disneymom3]

. I was suprised to find that what really bothers me about DH and this girl isn't the fact that they may have had a physical relationship (which he still totally denies) but the fact that they talked about things, wanted to spend time together. etc. I swear I don't think it would bother me as much if he had gotten drunk and randomly slept with some girl. While that would have been totally wrong, I can see or understand how that could happen easier. It hurts me more that he was going out of his way to talk to her or that she was always in the back of his mind somehow. Sorry - I'm starting to ramble now.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm ok. We are going back to see the counselor this Thursday.

Thanks for the update. It was considerate of you to take the time to let us all know you were okay. I totally get what you are saying in the above post. It is hard to think this was done with deliberate thought and that his emotional needs were being to taken to someone other than you, his wife.

Take care and keep working at it.

 

[DWDreams]

You've received great advice here and I'm glad to see you're going to counseling. I hope it helps you deal with this and determine what you need to do for you. The only thing I wanted to add is to wonder whether his telling you was actually a cover story as it appears, or to gain some sort of feeling of control through emotional manipulation. Only you can determine whether that's the case because you know your relationship and it's history, but I did want to point that out because it's just something like this -- the telling to prove or convince their partner someone else wants them -- that can be used as a power trip for an insecure person. It's basically transferring their own insecurities over to the other person. Obviously, none of that answers whether any actual cheating, physically or emotionally, occurred, which is the main issue, but I do think there are various alternative reasons for telling you and they should be considered because that reason also makes a huge difference in for the long haul.

 

[MELSMICE]

Just wanted to offer some hugs.

 

[leighe]

I was suprised to find that what really bothers me about DH and this girl isn't the fact that they may have had a physical relationship (which he still totally denies) but the fact that they talked about things, wanted to spend time together. etc. I swear I don't think it would bother me as much if he had gotten drunk and randomly slept with some girl. While that would have been totally wrong, I can see or understand how that could happen easier. It hurts me more that he was going out of his way to talk to her or that she was always in the back of his mind somehow.

This was EXACTLY how I felt when I found out about DH's affair. I was a little obssessed for a while with asking questions about what they talked about. Hugs to you. I'm glad you guys have gone to counseling. Keep us updated on how you are doing. I still get mad about DH sometimes and it's been almost 3 years now. You'll be okay.

 

[Whatnext?]

I have gotten lots of PM's and it's been a while since I logged in so I thought I'd let everyone who has asked know that I'm doing much better. We have been to counseling three times now. Last week I got really angry and just kind of blew up at him. I know that it is going to take a while for me to not be mad anymore. Honestly, I am also having to work hard to not feel like the victim all of the time. I've never been a feeling sorry for myself type of person but it's hard to not let this color every other interaction the two of us have - even daily things like "You load the diswasher since you're the one who cheated on me." There are problems in our marriage that I am responsible for also but that is hard to keep in mind sometimes.

His parents found out. It's pretty complicated and I'm still not sure that I quite understand it but somehow this girl seems to have told her mother about the relationship and through some chain of events DH's father (who holds a pretty public position) found out. They read him the riot act! His mom called me and was crying and wanted me to know that they loved me and didn't condone his actions. MIL can be way overdramatic and FIL can be a little pompous (I don't think that is spelled correctly) so I kind of wish they didn't know. I still haven't told my parents or any of my really close friends. I did tell one of the girls I work with that I'm pretty close to just because I felt like I had to tell someone and she doesn't really know DH. I also almost cried at work that day and everyone could tell that I was upset about something.

Anyway - thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I think things are getting better.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I admire you for trying to work it out. You are putting your best foot forward. I don't know if I would have the guts to do that.
Whatever happens, it sounds as if you will be able to take comfort in the fact that you tried.
Take care....

 

[SC Minnie]

 

[Mimi Q]

Thanks for the update. Take care of yourself.

 

[r3ngels]

 

[MELSMICE]