How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[Whatnext?]

I am a long-time member of the boards but would prefer to remain anyonomus. I have a huge knot in my stomach and I don't even know if I can type this.

To be blunt - I think my husband may have cheated on me last night. I haven't spoken to any of my friends or family about this and I won't until I have my facts straight - right now I only have suspicions and if I turn out to be wrong (which I am hoping and praying for) then it will only have been detrimental to our relationship to have said anything to my family or friends. I don't think they would forget it. I know I wouldn't if one of my friends called me with the story I have to tell. Early in our relationship (in college before we were even engaged) DH and I had problems with him being a little immature and sometimes feeling like he needed to, well, get even with me. For example, if I made him mad about something then he would seem to feel like he owed me one or he could get away with something. Does that make sense? I can't really describe it any other way. Anyway, this behavior was usually over pretty minor situations - in fact, I can't even think of any examples right now. It definitely never led to cheating or anything as serious as that. We also had a problem with him not exactly lying to me but telling me part of the story. Most of this I chalked up to college immaturity - he would go out with his buddies, be out too late, do something silly, and then he would tell me enough that if I heard about it through the grapevine (we went to a small college with a HUGE rumor mill) I would think, "Oh yeah, he told me about that," when really I had only heard part of what really happened. This too was never over anything serious like cheating - it was silly stuff like he and his fraternity brothers getting kicked out of a bar for being too loud - that kind of thing. So we get engaged and actually did quite a bit of premarital counseling. We have been married for 4 years now and have been really, really happy.

Early in our marriage an ex-girlfriend contacted him a few times. I even talked to her once. DH did nothing suspicious - I heard him tell her he was married and not interested in talking to her - she didn't call back - no big deal. Well - lately she has been calling again. He told me she called and I honestly didn't think anything about it. This week we had a fight about money. He got mad at me because he thinks I spent too much money on a shopping trip with some of my girlfriends. So we have our little arguement and work it out and I think, "Hey - that's part of being married." Last night (Friday) he went to our local high school football game with some friends of his. He is also friends with one of the football coaches. He got home after the game and told me that he was going to go back out with some of the coaches to celebrate the win. That was about 10pm and I was tired and ready to get in bed with a book so I said, "Great - have fun." Well, he comes back a little after midnight and wakes me up and says "I have to talk to you about something." He then proceeds to tell me that he had talked to this ex (he claims she called him) a few times during the game and made plans to meet her after the game. So he comes home (I don't really know why) and then goes back out to meet her. Well, supposedly on his way to meet her he has this attack of concious and calls her and tells her to stop where she is (she lives about 30 mins away) - in the parking lot of some church of all places! When he gets there he proceeds to tell her that he can't do this, that he doesn't want to be "that guy" who cheats on his wife, yada, yada, yada. She supposedly gets mad and he rushes back to me and has to tell me because he feels so awful about the whole thing. Well - he was gone for about 2 hours so this must have been an awful long guilt trip . At one point he said he "rushed" back home to be with me and then another time he said he drove around and thought about everything. That little fact escaped my notice last night - partly because I was just floored and also he had just awakened me rather suddenly and I was still kind of sleepy and trying to wrap my mind around what he was telling me.

Anyway - obviously I don't believe him. It's just my gut reaction. I just don't know how to find out the truth. I considered just calling her but I'm not sure if she would tell me the truth or not - I am inclined to think not. And anyway - how would I know if I could believe whatever she told me anyway? This is probably TMI but when I did laundry today I checked out the boxers he wore last night (gross, I know) but, budding Columbo that I am, I didn't really learn anything. I have also considered just asking him again and letting him think that I already know what happened. And of course, part of me keeps thinking - what if he was telling the truth? What if nothing did happen? I just don't really, honestly believe that is the case.

Thanks for putting up with this novel. I just want to know the truth and don't know how to find out!

 

[leighe]

Wow. No advice just . My DH and I went through him having an affair early in our marriage and we were able to work through it but it was hard. Not trusting someone is so awful. I did actually talk to the girl involved before I confronted DH and she told me everything but that might not always be the case.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Rozzie]

yikes! I think I would ask him straight up for the story again. Even if he didn't cheat, I think some marriage couseling might be a good idea. I can't imagine...hope you are doing OK.

 

[chell]

(((HUGS)))

In the first place, he should not have made plans to meet with her at all. That right there is enough for me to say you guys might want to consider counseling.

Play dumb and ask him again. See if his story changes again. If it does I would be very suspicious.

Sorry you are going through this. I don't know how you can find out for sure though. Are you good at pretending to feel one way when you really feel another? Could you call up his ex and make her think it was okay if she had and trick her into telling you? Or do you have a trustworthy friend who knows the ex that can get the info from her? Hope that makes some sense.

Just know that I'm here for support if you need any.

 

[Disney Doll]

Leave the girl out of it.

This issue is between you and him, not her. If he did cheat, it is a symptom of other problems, either within himself, or between the two of you. Who he cheated with (if he did) really doesn't matter, because if t wasn't this girl, it would be some other girl. What matters is the fact that he feels the need to cheat, or at least get close to cheating, feels the need to be less than honest with you. You guys sound like osme of your reactions are immature.

Get some counselling. It can help you determine the "whys" behind his behavior, your behavior, and your reactions to each other.

edited for spelling

 

[pattyT]

Leave her out of it -
she is irrelevant...
even if he says he 'didn't cheat'
obvioulsy you have serious issues...
trust is VERY important...

 

[minkydog]

Leave the girl out of it.

This issue is between you and him, not her. If he did cheat, it si a symptom of toher problems, either within himself, or between the two of you. Who he cheated with (if he did) really doesn't matter, because if t wasn't this girl, it would be some other girl. What matters is the fact that he feels the need to cheat, or at least get close to cheating, feels the need to be less than honest with you. You guys sound like osme of your reactions are immature.

Get some counselling. It can help you determine the "whys" behind his behavior, your behavior, and your reactions to each other.

Ditto everything she said. Who knows whether he cheated or not? Maybe he was thinking about it and got cold feet; it's sounds like something really shook him up. It would be very hard to trust him after this incident. ( We went through a very similar situation when we were married about 3-4 years. One of the hardest things i've ever gone through.)
Don't share any details with your friends or family--you're right, they'll never let it go and you don't need anyone taking sides just now. Make an appointment this week to start marriage counselling. If he won't go, go without him. You've got to figure out what to do next.

 

[VSL]

 

[Mickey Fliers]

I think there are other issues involved, whether or not he cheated. Why did he feel the need to go back out meet up with her? It sounds as if he is searching for something that he is missing. I hope you find out the truth, either way.

My best to you. Some counseling may definately be in order

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'd do what Chell said, I'd play dumb and ask him to tell you about it again. See if the story changes. If it does ask him, "I thought you said XYZ?". He may trip himself up and come clean.



I'd have a hard time trusting him. He's proven himself untrustworthy! Lying by omission. Being unloyal. Going behind your back. I too would leave the woman out of it. I'd go to counseling with or without him.

Good luck getting to the bottom of this. Time will tell even if he doesn't. Some people continue sneaky behavior, and some just crack over time. Either way, you have to do what's right for you. (Do you have children?)

 

[Whatnext?]

I agree that counseling is definitely in order. I will be looking into that first thing Monday morning. He agreed last night that we should go. I also agree that there are underlying issues more important than this girl. Why did he feel the need to even agree to meet her in the first place? I just feel so helpless and so frustrated that I don't know the truth. This seemed to come out of nowhere. Has he done something like this every time we've had a fight and just never felt the need to "confess" before? I know there are more important things than me just getting facts but that's what I seem to crave right now.

Oh - no, we don't have any kids but we had been discussing starting a family since this summer. That is definitely not going to happen any time soon at this point.

As I re-read my original post I realize we do sound really immature - I promise we usually handle problems in what I would consider a rational, mature manner. This has just shocked me beyond belief. Although I would have never said our marriage was perfect I would never, never have suspected him of this.

 

[mark&sue]

I would have thought that if he had really cheated he would not have told you anything at all and just got away with it.

I am sure you will be ok.


Hope all goes well and can sort this out and grow stronger.



Susan

 

[OceanAnnie]

I know you are craving facts right now. But if it were me, I'd have enough to be rightfully and seriously PO'd. He's made you feel insecure about your relationship and him. That would be enough for me for now.

I'd worry about degrees of POness later.

ETA- One way or another it will all unfold.

 

[mickeyfan2]

When the cell phone comes in (that is what he called her with right?) see the time and place where the call was made (and if the call was made). This would be a good place to start.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

Wow. Sorry that you're going through this. If it were me, I would ask him again to tell you the whole story and see if he tells it the same. If he's not telling the truth, the story he tells you today may differ from what he told you last night. Did that make sense? Try to hang in there and be strong. Keep us posted.

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[ADisneygirl]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I would want to know. Not knowing the facts can haunt you and put a wedge of mistrust between you and him. Ask him again to calmly retell you the events of the previous night. Then tell him that you really want to talk this out and you are ready to listen. Ask him to tell you what it is that he feels is missing in your relationship that he feels the need to communicate with and possibly see an ex girlfriend. I am not saying that you are at fault in any way because I feel cheaters are very selfish people irregardless of the reasons they feel justify their actions. There is more going on here than meets the eye. The fact that he felt compelled to wake you up and tell you where he'd been says to me that he wants to get caught. He wants you to confront this situation, and maybe he has been hinting at this awhile and you have not wanted to see or hear whatever it is that he feels unhappy about. Happily married people do daydream about others from time to time, but they do not secretly meet them.

Good luck to you. I hope this resolves itself to your happiness.

 

[paigevz]

Haven't read the other responses, but in marriage, there must be trust, even when they seem to have betrayed the trust already. You have to build it back. You do that by deciding to trust again, and you begin immediately. You must trust that you already know the truth. You can still talk to him and tell him that you feel betrayed by him just considering being with her in any sort of romantic way, or even in a non-romantic way if he wasn't telling you. You two can talk about that, but make yourself push the other thoughts away each time you begin to think them. It won't help your marriage, and it won't change anything to go on a fact-finding mission. I am glad you decided not to tell your family, but you need to talk about it with someone, so choose one of your friends, swear her to secrecy, and talk about what you know, and not what you worry about.

At least, he did come back to you, and he did tell you something. He didn't have to. That should assure you that he feels a loyalty to your marriage.

 

[bettyann29]

If it was myself and this happened to me, then I would flat out tell him that you keep going over what he said and you just want to clarify what he said.. ask him what happened again.. if he's lying he probably wont be able to remember the whole story he said last night and details will change and you can call his bluff.. If nothing else, you deserve to know the truth..

Sounds like whatever you decide you should go to counseling.. Personally I wouldnt be with someone I cant trust.. but thats just me.. Many people can overcome things like this and move on and grow trust again.. Either way..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Now that I am older and wiser, I would say...

If you have kids then get counseling, quick. This is your wake up call that your marriage is headed somewhere unpleasant fast!

No kids? I would seriously consider seperating with all of the background info you have given. A married man that walks in the door and then says they are going out with their ex girlfriend, well, that is very BOLD and unusual. Me personally I would have to seperate because I couldn't lie awake when he is gone and wonder if he is with her.
No way would I put myself through that.

As a person who went out with a cheater...well....sounds like he was "caught" (by someone) and you "may" hear about it so if he "tells you" he has a story in the works.
Like he was never AT the FOOTBALL game or she was with him. Or something like that.