How do deal with ex-in-law enounter??

[sbell111]

I think we all agree it's best to get through it drama free (including the OP), but I really don't see why she needs to say anything to this woman at all. Steer clear and that's that. I don't think it's necessary to even muster up a smile - ewww!

Last time I was in a room with someone I loathed, I just acted as if they weren't even there, said hi to all and just passed her right over. I leaned on my husband if I felt the need to run up and pull her hair out. But I totally understand how you are feeling!

That works great if they are across the room. However, if they are right in front of you the polite thing to do is to say hello. If they ask you a question, the polite thing to do is to respond.

 

[BeenHereB4]

That works great if they are across teh room. However, if they are right in front of you the polite thing to do is to say hello. If they ask you a question, the polite thing to do is to respond.

I do see your point. I just personally don't even think she needs to be polite - she just needs to not push the woman in the pool or make a scene. Again, just my opinion.

Some of us have people in our lives who if we even open our mouth with the intention of saying a simple hello, it's not what would come out. At least that's my experience anyway.

 

[sbell111]

I do see your point. I just personally don't even think she needs to be polite - she just needs to not push the woman in the pool or make a scene. Again, just my opinion.

Some of us have people in our lives who if we even open our mouth with the intention of saying a simple hello, it's not what would come out. At least that's my experience anyway.

Being polite is a requirement of being an adult. If she cannot be polite, she should not attend the party.

 

[Skywalker]

I have never stood in his way where these people are concerned. :

I am confused, you keep complaining that this grandmother was not there for your children all their lives, etc,. but in your first post you said, "When my boys were 11 and 12, I got a phone call from my brother, that my ex mil called him trying to reach me. I was now in another state with a new last name. She claimed that her youngest DD asked about the boys, and that prompted her to call. I spoke to a therapist at the time, and he recommended that the boys would be better off without her. Since she hadn't been there for the past 10 years and there was no way to guarantee she would stay in touch we should decline."
So, she did reach out to you. You are the one that prevented the relationship because you had no "guarantee". Well, it MAY have been a good relationship you don't know. Point is, she did try, and you rebuffed it. I know it was on a therapist's advice, but it's not really fair to hold that against her now. Whether she says she contacted you because her daughter suggested it or whatever doesn't really matter. Maybe she just used that as an excuse.

I'm just trying to say that maybe you can find it in your heart to cut her a bit of slack because MAYBE she really did have good intentions all those years ago and MAYBE she feels you prevented her from being in her grandsons lives.

 

[BeenHereB4]

Being polite is a requirement of being an adult. If she cannot be polite, she should not attend the party.

Can we agree to disagree here? If not, call me a child then, I'm fine with it. There are some people who do NOT deserve polite and I honestly don't see why she has to say anything to the woman.

Hey OP, maybe it's a New Jersey thing!?

 

[ginna74]

Can we agree to disagree here? If not, call me a child then, I'm fine with it. There are some people who do NOT deserve polite and I honestly don't see why she has to say anything to the woman.

Hey OP, maybe it's a New Jersey thing!?

maybe the people that think that haven't been unloved and hurt as a child by people that are supposed to love and protect them, or to just to be generic and say to be affected by child abuse of any kind (ie their kids, have realatives, friends, ect) and the person is walking scott free. No not every person deserves politeness. I would say as long as she isn't dunking the grandmothers head under water then that is a GOOD THING lol... OMG and that is VERY ADULT LIKE!!! SENSE When did it become ADULT LIKE to force people to talk to people that treated your family like doodoo (yes I used that word) and wanted nothing to do with you or your family? Instead of pusing her into a pool and wanting to strangling her for hurting her family you are supposed to make polite converstation? I say smile and walk away go into bathroom and if you can't be heard scream or do jump up and down and get it out!!!!! let it all out... then as I said go home beat your pellow up, and know... you got to raise your kids and you raised them to where they are now. Look at him now, be proud he is who he is today, you are the reason, you are the cause. Can you amagin if she were involved??? Be thankful in a way, she did your family a favor and look at them now

 

[MichelleVW]

Being polite is a requirement of being an adult. If she cannot be polite, she should not attend the party.

Seriously....

 

[Rence]

There are some people who do NOT deserve polite and I honestly don't see why she has to say anything to the woman.

Absolutely there are people who do NOT deserve polite - however if one escalates being not-polite to X-MIL above all other factors one has made X-MIL the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON at the party - when in fact, she is the least important person at the party - as far as OP is concerned, the last and least consideration with regards to this party should be X-MIL.

Most important should be her son and his fiance and the future family members and friends of the family etc.

Hopefully X-MIL won't attend. If she attends, hopefully OP can avoid X-MIL without being overly obvious. However, if she finds herself in a situation with X-MIL then how she acts should be based on the needs of others at the party and not based in anyway on X-MIL.

Let's say OP is talking with a group of people - X-MIL walks up and joins the group. The key is for OP to politely excuse her some from the group as quickly as possible "Have to use the little girl's room" or "I just remembered something I have to tell Aunt Betty". If X-MIL seeks out OP and comes up to talk to her directly - OP should be polite and civil - not because X-MIL deserves it (she doesn't) but because the people around her deserve not to be put in an uncomfortable situation. Smile nod, come up with a way to politely disengage as quickly as possible - if X-MIL should be insistent (doesn't sound likely but be prepared) - OP should say something like "Oh this is a party, let's get together some other time to catch up on old times - have son give me your number and I'll call you" (takes care of the situation at hand and OP never has to call).

If you let the feelings towards X-MIL rule the situation you have made her the most important person at the party and given her great power over you.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Being polite is a requirement of being an adult. If she cannot be polite, she should not attend the party.

Well I disagree...and if I presented this to my son, that 1) I stay home or 2) she comes up to me and I just walk away and say nothing.

My son will pick 2.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hopefully X-MIL won't attend. If she attends, hopefully OP can avoid X-MIL without being overly obvious.

I hope so too..but I do think at this point she is coming. There will be over 100 at this even in a backyard. People coming and going all day long. I will be there for most of the time. I honestly can't imagine her coming up to me, since she won't even answer DS's questions about why she treated me the way she did. What is she going to say...hi?? She won't do it. If she happens to be in the house when I am there, I plan on excusing myself and going out to the back yard, or go to the bathroom. There are many ways of avoiding people.

I have been in tighter conditions with someone I wanted no contact with. Granted though everyone around me kept said person away from me and had them out of the house as soon as was possible.

I will be busy with my friends and family and fdil family so I will have plenty of people and things to do to occupy me!! I am sure DS will make sure she isn't too close to me too!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I am confused, you keep complaining that this grandmother was not there for your children all their lives, etc,. but in your first post you said, "When my boys were 11 and 12, I got a phone call from my brother, that my ex mil called him trying to reach me. I was now in another state with a new last name. She claimed that her youngest DD asked about the boys, and that prompted her to call. I spoke to a therapist at the time, and he recommended that the boys would be better off without her. Since she hadn't been there for the past 10 years and there was no way to guarantee she would stay in touch we should decline."
So, she did reach out to you. You are the one that prevented the relationship because you had no "guarantee". Well, it MAY have been a good relationship you don't know. Point is, she did try, and you rebuffed it. I know it was on a therapist's advice, but it's not really fair to hold that against her now. Whether she says she contacted you because her daughter suggested it or whatever doesn't really matter. Maybe she just used that as an excuse.

I'm just trying to say that maybe you can find it in your heart to cut her a bit of slack because MAYBE she really did have good intentions all those years ago and MAYBE she feels you prevented her from being in her grandsons lives.

Hmmm..so I was supposed to go against a therapists advice and not do what was in the best interest of my children? My job as a parent is to protect my children and keep them from harm. I was not going to risk my children being hurt by her. She has a proven tract record of being a bad parent, a bad mil, a non-existent grandmother. I am not going to apologize for protecting my boys from her. One phone call after 10 years and I was supposed to say...sure come break my kids hearts?? No..and a therapist, a trained professional..a person who had no feelings one way or another towards this women said my kids would be better off without her!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Well I can put my worries to rest. Not to get into the details, but DS called me tonight to ask me if I had been to Temple this past Saturday..since my prayers must have come true!!

She isn't coming!!

Karma...I love Karma

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That is a load off. I am happy that it worked out in the end for you. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the whole "they are family" nonsense that they don't realize that being family doesn't exempt someone from being a horror to deal with. It's hard when you have protected your child for so long and now they come along and want to lead the parade. I totally get it. I am glad though that you can truly enjoy the day without any distractions.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm glad it worked out OP, but I wish you'd give some thought to letting go of your anger at her and taking away her power over you.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I'm glad it worked out OP, but I wish you'd give some thought to letting go of your anger at her and taking away her power over you.

As long as she doesn't hurt my children, I will be fine. I will not apologize for being protective even if they are adults.