How do deal with ex-in-law enounter??

[JoiseyMom]

My DS25 is engaged to be married. He is having a casual engagement pool party in a few weeks. Now...my ex is basically a dead beat. He hasn't seen or had any contact with my DS's since they are 18 months and 6 months old when I left. Never gave us a dime either. Ex didn't have a great relationship with his mom...and most of the contact was when I pushed it. I was like, she is your mother. Now this women didn't like me from day one. I am convinced it was because of my religion. She never showed up to our wedding, she and her DH (second DH) and 3 kids went camping instead. And yes they had enough notice. She came to DS's first birthday party only because my ex said he would never speak to her again. Needless to say, no matter how nice she was the day I went to collect all my possessions and she said she would keep in touch, she never kept in touch with my sons. When my boys were 11 and 12, I got a phone call from my brother, that my ex mil called him trying to reach me. I was now in another state with a new last name. She claimed that her youngest DD asked about the boys, and that prompted her to call. I spoke to a therapist at the time, and he recommended that the boys would be better off without her. Since she hadn't been there for the past 10 years and there was no way to guarantee she would stay in touch we should decline.

Fast forward to another 10 years. DS was around 21 and he was contacted by the youngest DD of ex-mil on my space. He has spoken to her on and off and has gone to visit ex-mil at her home, they are in the next state and a few hour drive. DS knows I am not happy about this. Not so much the 1/2 siblings of ex..since they were kids and had no control... but I am upset about the mil.

Now..I was hoping and still will be hoping that he won't invite ex-mil to the wedding, but that is still a year away. She did have the chutzpah to ask him if she was going to be invited. Anyway, I know the youngest DD will be at the party with her young son. She will be a few hours away visiting her parents. So, DS doesnt' know if ex mil is coming or not. I have no idea if she is. Now..I will not recognize the DD since the last time I saw her she was 11 years old and there will be so many people at this party that I do not know.

How do I handle it if the ex-mil is there??? Now, I really can't stand this woman. I hate how she treated me and totally ignored my kids. When I was married to ex, I hated the way she treated him too. She was a horrible role model and she is partially to blame for how badly he turned out.

My mom was there for me when I left my ex. She helped me raise my sons and loved them and sacrificed for them. She has been gone for 11 years, and if anyone deserves to see my DS happy and engaged and married it is her, not this piece of trash ex-mil!! So how do I handle it if she is there!! I don't think she would have the nerve to come up to me..but I have no idea what to do. Any advice on taking the high road or pushing the old witch in the swimming pool??

 

[Hollytigs]

Firstly, let me say that I totally understand why you are upset with the ex-MIL, and it must be a very hard situation for you at a time when you should be celebrating.
However, your son is an adult now, and can make his own choices. He only has one Grandmother left, and no father around, and maybe it is really important to him to build relationships on his father's side of the family? I think unfortunately, you have to be the bigger person and just let it be. On the day, its probably best if you avoid getting into any complicated conversations with her as they will more than likely upset you. I wish you lots of luck . Try not to 'accidentally' drop a plate of food in her lap "Whoops sorry, was that your best dress I just ruined?"

 

[Hollytigs]

I've just realised that my resposne didn't really answer your question. You weren't debating whether she should come or not, but what you should say to her if she did come! Sorry!
Again, I think it would be best to say as little as possible as it sounds like she can quite easily get under your skin! Maybe you should enroll a close friend or relative to keep watch to make sure you don't get cornered and to come and rescue you if you get stuck with her.

 

[Allison]

Of course, you take the high road. It's your son's engagement party.

 

[Pomlover2586]

I think the best you can do in this situation is to be an ADULT. Your son is a grown man and if he chooses to invite the ex MIL that is his right.

If she approaches you, you put on your fake smile, and be polite- for the sake of your son and future daughter in law.

If you ruin this day for them due to some ill feelings toward the exMIL you will regret it the rest of your life- and it may ruin your relationship with your son. ExMIl is not worth that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your son is an adult and what you do is support him.

You don't have to like it however if you are hosting a party you are obligated to be a gracious host.

If you feel you cannot be one then tell your son you are not able to host the party so he can make other arrangements.

 

[scrapquilter]

Your son is an adult. If he wants to invite his grandmother to the party or the wedding, that is his perogative. Maybe he wants to heal old wounds and start new. I think that as his Mom, your duty is to be polite and cordial if she shows up. That's all... you don't have to like it, you don't have to be all buddy buddy with her, but you DO need to respect your son's wishes and just be polite. Its only going to be for a few hours, and you'll probably be so busy visiting with people you want to see that you'll hardly notice her presence. Better to suck it up and be nice for a few hours than get your son mad at you over it.

 

[NMAmy]

No matter what else she's done, she's your son's grandmother. If he wants a relationship with her and wants her there, you should support that.

I totally understand your point of view--I also had an ex-MIL who treated me like crap when I was married to my ex. Oddly, after he remarried, I became fabulous in her eyes in comparison to the new wife. But I never forgot how she treated me for 15 years. However--this is a couple of hours out of your life. In this kind of situation, I make the same polite conversation that I do with other attendees at the party whom I barely know. Appropriate conversations would include travel to the event, how handsome/beautiful the couple is, the food, the party itself, the weather, etc. If you can't stand to say that much, a simple, "I know Son is happy you could be here. Excuse me, the caterer needs to speak to me."

 

[LuvBaloo]

I suggest avoiding her liek the plague at the party.
If you do any of the nasty things you are naturally thinking of (I would be thinking some awful things), you end up looking bad in front of a bunch of people.

Ideally, have somebody who will stick with you, and help you avoid her. If she approaches you, your buddy can call you away to do something. Be polite if forced to.

When I graduated high school, my deadbeat dad decided he wanted to see me graduated after years of no contact. I pointed him out to a couple of my friends, and that group of friends helped keep an eye out for him, so I could avoid him.

 

[BeenHereB4]

Have a friend accidentally push her in the pool and then happily offer her a towel with a big giant grin on your face?

Seriously though, crummy situation. Hope you find a way to get through it.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Firstly, let me say that I totally understand why you are upset with the ex-MIL, and it must be a very hard situation for you at a time when you should be celebrating.
However, your son is an adult now, and can make his own choices. He only has one Grandmother left, and no father around, and maybe it is really important to him to build relationships on his father's side of the family? I think unfortunately, you have to be the bigger person and just let it be. On the day, its probably best if you avoid getting into any complicated conversations with her as they will more than likely upset you. I wish you lots of luck . Try not to 'accidentally' drop a plate of food in her lap "Whoops sorry, was that your best dress I just ruined?"

Well he has another grandmother... my DH's mother treat all our children the same. He has a grandmother, grandfather and great-grandmother that all adore him.

 

[JoiseyMom]

No matter what else she's done, she's your son's grandmother. If he wants a relationship with her and wants her there, you should support that.

I totally understand your point of view--I also had an ex-MIL who treated me like crap when I was married to my ex. Oddly, after he remarried, I became fabulous in her eyes in comparison to the new wife. But I never forgot how she treated me for 15 years. However--this is a couple of hours out of your life. In this kind of situation, I make the same polite conversation that I do with other attendees at the party whom I barely know. Appropriate conversations would include travel to the event, how handsome/beautiful the couple is, the food, the party itself, the weather, etc. If you can't stand to say that much, a simple, "I know Son is happy you could be here. Excuse me, the caterer needs to speak to me."

No..she is his sperm donors mother. Biology doesn't make you a grandmother. Grandmothers like moms and dads are there for their kids their entire lives. He doesn't call her grandmother and doesn't treat her as he did my mom or his other grandparents. He doesn't feel the same way towards her. He really doesn't want to invite her, but he wanted to invite her DD and felt he then had to invite her. What a mom I am...he has manners and morals..nothing like her or her son!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I suggest avoiding her liek the plague at the party.

Well I hoped to do this...and just ignore her. If I would even recognize her and she came near me, I would hope I would just walk away, and that would get the point across! I hope that she has the brains to stay away!!

But I will be busy meeting all the rest of my new in-laws (who are such great people), and being busy with my younger kids and my friends and family. ALso helping with the party, since there are no caterers!! My son will be grilling all day.

 

[mickeyboat]

Although your ex-MIL has not been a stellar grandmother, it sounds like your son wants to have a relationship with his grandmother. I think you should not do anything to damage that. If she really is horrible, he will learn that soon enough. If she is not, there is another person in his life to love him.

You don't have to be her best friend. But you do need to be polite. Are you hosting the party? Consider yourself acting as a good hostess.

Denae

 

[MichelleVW]

Sounds like you just need to act like a grown up and deal with it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Of course you take the high road. You can snub her, though. Totally appropriate.

But you can't make a scene or say anything mean or push her into the pool. That was funny, by the way.

In five years (or whatever), you'll be so much happier with yourself if you take the high road now.

You don't care about her in your day to day life. Try not to care about her at the party. Focus on the good stuff...there should be enough of it to keep you busy and happy.

Good luck!

 

[LuvBaloo]

Well I hoped to do this...and just ignore her. If I would even recognize her and she came near me, I would hope I would just walk away, and that would get the point across! I hope that she has the brains to stay away!!

But I will be busy meeting all the rest of my new in-laws (who are such great people), and being busy with my younger kids and my friends and family. ALso helping with the party, since there are no caterers!! My son will be grilling all day.

Sounds like there will be so much going on, that you'll be able to successfully avoid her!

 

[disneyhand]

Be polite, nothing more is required. You really already have the best revenge because you've had this wonderful boy in your life all these years and she (and her newer family) did not! Her loss, she missed out!

I'm sure your son will figure her out eventually without any imput from you. People like that can't hide their true self for long.

Good luck!

 

[kaytieeldr]

You should say, "Hello. Thank you for coming". At the end of the party you should say, Thank you for coming. Goodbye."

 

[MarkBarbieri]

Wow. Lot's of negativity. You should try to get past it. It's your son's day. Support him and his desires. Don't let your bitterness become his problem.

Why not just be nice to her? Turn the other cheek, however many times it takes. It's just one day. How hard can it be?

Like it or not, she is his grandmother. He appears to want a relationship with her. Support him. Rise above your hatred. Who knows, maybe she's changed. If not, your son will learn soon enough.