How did your "spirited" child turn out?

[njmom47]

DD1 is that spirited strong-willed child...has been since day one. Went through a few very rough years (mid-teens, dropped out of school, ran away from home more than once, now has a baby at age 19, etc). She has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to take meds. I am exhuasted after spending too much time with her. I think having her daughter has changed her a bit, but hope she will mellow even more with age. We tried all kinds of punishments when she was growing up, to no avail. We were as consistent as we could be, I feel.
My brother was also one of those kids. He finally grew to be tolerable in his 30s and now at age 47 is a wonderful caring guy. It did take a long long time though.
DH and I are laidback and pretty mellow, and it has been (and still is) a challenge raising a child who's personality is so completely different than ours.

 

[luvsJack]

My spirited child is a grown man, married with two children.

But, I sometimes wondered if we were going to get here.

He was an experience to say the least.

The only advice I have is to repeat what others have said: pick your battles and pick them carefully!

 

[3boymthr]

As PP mentioned you have to do what works with your child. My middle child is the spirited stubborn one. And for all that sometimes it drives me crazy, it's also what gives him life and personality. For my child I have to give warnings of when things are going to happen, know what things are apt to trigger his buttons and cut them off at the start and have management techniques. When he was younger I had to have detailed plans of every activity that said we are going to do this then this then this then this. Making sure to include something that he deemed as his in the itinerary. As long as nothing deviated then he would go along swimmingly. For example, when we went to disney I printed out and laminated each day's itinerary (modified touring plans) and he had to consult it after each activity so that he knew just when he was going to get to "his" rides. On our 10 day trip we had only one incident and that was when he ran ahead and got in the pool before I had even gotten out the door of the hotel. He has gotten slightly better about things but to this day if I want to go shopping, to a museum, wherever, I have to give him a detailed itinerary or he will run roughshod over what ever everyone else wants. I have to tell him ahead of time, what I plan to buy, what I DON'T plan to buy and above all I have to be very firm and consistent with the "I said, no, so, no" so that he doesn't have meltdowns about not getting what he wants or not doing what he wants.

Oh, and as PP have mentioned sometimes that child that is difficult as a baby/toddler is the one who because easy as a youth/adult. Middle DS was the easy peasy baby and toddler. His much, much, much more laid back younger brother is the one who spent much of his first 2 years screaming if he wasn't getting his way.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

My spirited child is now almost 13. There was a point where his fit throwing seemed to rule our household. It was a source of constant stress. We just never gave it to it when he was younger. It was hard. Very hard. We tried all discipline tactics, everything from gentle time outs to spankings. None of it worked. At least not immediately. But in the long run, got the point. He did learn that people do not like that behavior and we would not tolerate it under any circumstance. If started to get geared up he was instructed to leave the room. He had to stay there (usually in his bedroom) until he was ready to behave and join the rest of the family. Eventually he got to the point that if he wanted to yell or cry over something he'd run to his room before it happened and throw the fit in there. As he grew the fit throwing died down. Then eventually, he matured out of them all together. Well, not completely. But for the most part

He will be 13 in a few weeks and he is growing up to be a pretty neat person. He's still a hot head but he can handle his emotions now. He will always be one to feel things strongly but at least he is aware of how he comes across and acts accordingly. He's a really fun person, very popular at school, and has a heart of pure gold.

So, don't worry. How a child acts at 3 or 4 does not dictate how they will be as adults.

 

[mom2boys]

I like the term strong-willed better than spirited, but I'm not much on euphemisms.

Get your hands on a copy of the books 1-2-3 Magic. It will keep you from pulling out all your hair.

My "spirited" kid is now 14. Being really firm and follow through are what has kept us from killing each other. [/QUOTE ]

We used this book at the recommendation of our pediatrican. We used it on our two boys from about the ages of 5 & 6. The older one NEVER got past one. The younger, "strong-willed" one, would ask what happened when he got to three. If the consquence wasn't harsh enough, he'd continue with his behavior and go directly to his punishment. He's 16 now - still stubborn. He's a hard worker - will do any physical work you ask, as long as it's outside. He'd rather mow the lawn for 4 hours than do homework for 15 minutes. School is another story. He doesn't get into trouble but if he isn't interested in a class he does the BARE minimum.

He needs clear expectations and clear consquences. It's still a challange with him. When things are "right" in his world, he is a joy. When things are "right" in his world, EVERYONE knows it.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...He'd rather mow the lawn for 4 hours than do homework for 15 minutes....

I think this is going to be true for my DS(10) as well. He'd live outside if he could.

...Any tips?...

Make sure she gets enough sleep! High-intensity kids seem to feel everything more strongly, and they can handle it better if they're well rested.

And remember, it's easy to be fooled into thinking they're not tired, when they're actually over-tired.

 

[discnewbie]

I think that one of my sisters was spirited child. Lots of tantrums, etc. My mother stayed very firm with her but I think what would have helped better is for her to relax a little control and let her have some say in her life. I think my mother thought she had to be very firm with her over every little aspect but really it would have helped if she had given up some of that control and saved her battles for the big stuff. I recall my mother and sister having huge battles over her wearing a dress (to this day my sister avoids skirts/dresses like the plague ). My mother wanted her to "look nice" for church but was it really a big deal? IMO no.

By the way, my sister has turned out just fine. She did well in school, is a mother, and chose to be an Early Childhood Educator, which she is fabulous at.

 

[indimom]

I really agree with picking your battles carefully, and avoiding power plays and contests of wills over things that really aren't that important. Draw the lines you must and stand by them, but be prepared to calmly sit out a storm without engaging. Just stand firm and do not debate or negotiate. It can be really hard not to engage, but if you do you are going to end up debating everything, all the time, and this is not okay. It becomes a constant cycle that you really don't want to get into. Some things can be negotiated/discussed as long as they are not demanding and getting their way by throwing their temper around. Other things just aren't negotiable, and we found it was best to refuse to argue or justify ourselves to her in those instances.

Very well put and absolutely true.

As PP mentioned you have to do what works with your child. My middle child is the spirited stubborn one. And for all that sometimes it drives me crazy, it's also what gives him life and personality. For my child I have to give warnings of when things are going to happen, know what things are apt to trigger his buttons and cut them off at the start and have management techniques. When he was younger I had to have detailed plans of every activity that said we are going to do this then this then this then this. Making sure to include something that he deemed as his in the itinerary. As long as nothing deviated then he would go along swimmingly.

This worked well for us also. We didn't necessarily do a list, but learned to give advance notice any time there was going to be a transition: going to bed, leaving grandma's house, whatever. We'd announce the transition at about 30 minutes out, 15 minutes out, and again at 5 minutes out. By then, she was ready and willing to make the change. (Most of the time.)

Make sure she gets enough sleep! High-intensity kids seem to feel everything more strongly, and they can handle it better if they're well rested.

And remember, it's easy to be fooled into thinking they're not tired, when they're actually over-tired.

Our daughter was a shining example of this. If she missed her nap, you could just forget an easy bedtime, wasn't going to happen. It sounds counter-logical, since you would think they would be exhausted from their long day, but we proved it time and again.
We got to the point where family thought we were nuts because we enforced naptime and bedtime so religiously; but it just made life much, much easier for us (and for our daughter) in the long run.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Make sure she gets enough sleep! High-intensity kids seem to feel everything more strongly, and they can handle it better if they're well rested.

And remember, it's easy to be fooled into thinking they're not tired, when they're actually over-tired.

This was the key for our youngest. We changed a few simple things (based on some advice from parents of a child with ADHD), and his behavior improved dramatically.

* We let him start making important decisions for himself.
* We changed the way we disciplined him. He is very sensitive - goes into a shell if you raise your voice (or acts out).
* We made sure that he got the rest that he needs (way more needed than any of the rest of the family).
* We cut back on sugars/caffeine.
* We really cut back on the types of programs that he was allowed to watch.

Very soon after we made these changes, he calmed considerably. He is now 11, and there is no sign of the "monster". He is still very sensitive, and still can't watch "scary" movies, but the rest doesn't seem to bother him as much and he controls his own sugar/caffeine intake as he now knows that it has a bad effect on him.

 

[luvsJack]

I second (or third) the making sure your child gets enough sleep. It also helped with ds to make sure he didn't get too hungry. No running to the store and getting a "late" lunch when we got back. If he got really hungry, he got really grouchy. It didn't help that he also was the kind of person who would actually forget to eat.

 

[fimac]

My 15 year old is spirited.
I remember carrying him out of a Mall at age 3 with him screaming "Help Me !"

Now he is a camp counsellor looking after other peoples little darings. Teaches 4 TKD classes a week during the school year, and excels academically.

We have gone from lady can't you control your kid, to well my kid needs relax by playing video games in the basement, my kid excuse, excuse.

For him the key was plenty of exercise, and only picking the battles that you need to win. He has become a very independent and mature young man.

 

[momx2]

My oldest DD13 was/is strong-willed. I too prefer that term over spirited, because strong willed is what it is. She too was born that way. She slept very little as a premie and had colic. Then when she could start crawling she was into everything. She never wanted to be alone and had have us entertain her constantly. We also could not take her out of the house much because of her tantrums. She actually got a bit better after she turned 2 and could communicate better. She too threw fits on the floor, face down, fists pounding, feet kicking. After she was potty trained she would pee on herself if she wasn't getting her way. She would also sit in her bed and scream and cry until she would make herself throw up. She had to be in control, so I had to find ways to make her think everything was her idea.

While she got some better after 2, her tantrums were still violent when she had them. We would have to physically restrain her so she wouldn't hurt herself. But, she was sooo smart and loving.

She actually has been fine in school and as she aged has gotten better. She still likes to be in control or think she is. I pick my battles. I don't go in her room because it is a wreck, but it's not worth fighting about to me. She is now one of the most loving, family oriented kids I know. She is very mature and has a great head on her shoulders. Her 6th grade teachers told me they called her the "little adult." They said they could talk to her as an adult and she could converse like that. She is heavily into soccer, year round , goalie, imagine that , she is straight A honor student and will play with her little sister! So keep praying, but find a discipline techinque and find it quick and stick to it.

I did the 123 thing and it worked for the smaller issues. At 5, before kindergarten started I decided we had to have her under control. So I did the Dr. Phil thing. I thought it was a bit extreme for a 5 yr old, but I had to try something else. I stripped her room and her of everything. She wasn't allowed to even have a pen and paper. I think I did let her read, not sure. We told her it was starting the night before due to her behavior and explained it all to her. The next morning she woke up and we reminded her and she yelled at us, "this is stupid!" Well, it took her 3 days to even earn pen and paper back. It was 1 step forward and 2 steps back because she is so hard headed. But, it worked although it was a major commitment from us. Now, she doesn't remember that now, but we had no more major tantrums or problems after that for a long time. Now she is just a normal, moody teenager. I've always said that DD is going to be something great when she grows up if I don't kill her first. Good luck!

 

[herdtoDisney]

I second (or third) the making sure your child gets enough sleep. It also helped with ds to make sure he didn't get too hungry. No running to the store and getting a "late" lunch when we got back. If he got really hungry, he got really grouchy. It didn't help that he also was the kind of person who would actually forget to eat.

Yup. My 'spirited' 14 (almost 15) yo DS is still asleep at 9:30 am-I let him sleep in when he can, he needs that. And, he does forget to eat. I can always tell because his face looks like a thunderstorm

Wow, he was a tough little guy. But, starting around 7 or so, he got a lot easier. Now as a teen, he has rough patches. But he's learning to handle them, and learning to cope with how he is-he's going to have to manage his ADHD and quirks, so instead of having them impact him negatively, we are trying to learn positive ways of coping. Kids like this often turn out to be artistic, smart and insightful. Eventually

But as a little guy, like others have said-good schedule for rest and sleep and eating. Firm boundaries. Don't put him in situations set up for failure, like high stress things (whatever in particular is yours). And know it's NOT you-I have four other kids who are not spirited, so it wasn't like this one was raised different. He is how he is. Right now my 13 yo DS is in the middle of a stubborn, annoying phase-and HE was the cooperative, quiet toddler The spirited kid gets annoyed with him, lol.

 

[momx2]

My 15 year old is spirited.
I remember carrying him out of a Mall at age 3 with him screaming "Help Me !"

Now he is a camp counsellor looking after other peoples little darings. Teaches 4 TKD classes a week during the school year, and excels academically.

We have gone from lady can't you control your kid, to well my kid needs relax by playing video games in the basement, my kid excuse, excuse.

For him the key was plenty of exercise, and only picking the battles that you need to win. He has become a very independent and mature young man.

I wanted to comment on this, because I agree. My daughter started soccer at 4. She has always loved it. I also enrolled her in every other recreational sport we could find, basketball, soccer, softball, swimming lessons, etc. I found that 1) Routine was HUGE in keeping her happy and in control, don't vary the routine because she does NOT like change (still doesn't) and 2) Exercise, with her sports as now she does soccer year round and runs track, I don't know if sports and exercise just wear her out or what but she has always needed them to keep her happy. Back when there was no indoor winter soccer (2nd through 6th grade)she would play basketball because she said she had to stay in shape for soccer. She would get so out of sorts without a sport to do for a few months and trouble would start again in the winter. So, keep the child active and in a routine, it might help.

 

[saremca]

Mine is 17, still very spirited and opinionated, but a really cool person. She's vegan, an artist, a writer, and funny as hell. My parenting philosophy is pretty much path of least resistance and picking your battles carefully. It's not for everyone, but it works for us. Agree completely with finding as many creative outlets for them as possible. They need someplace to let it all out.

 

[jsmla]

We have two kids, both grown now.

Our oldest was the most amazing baby. He was ALWAYS in a good mood and soooo laid back. He loved everyone, napped like a dream, went to bed happily and ate everything I put in front of him. I used to look at other parents struggling with their little ones and feel like the GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD.

Well, two years later along came his sister. It started at birth. My OB was a country boy and at her delivery he put it like this: "This 'un's a squalling before it's even left the hatch." (Sorry if that was TMI) She literally came into the world pitching a tantrum and they continued pretty much non-stop for four years. The kid slept about 12 minutes a day and refused to eat anything but Cheerios and mac-n-cheese. She didn't just throw tantrums-she threw tantrums with amazing staying power. The girl could go for hours. She was also a bit of a bully and was pushing around kids twice her age by the time she was three. Her first word was "mine", no, make that "MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Before she was two I owned every child rearing self-help book out there and felt like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now fast forward to the school years. DS remained happy and laid back. He was happy with the Cs on his report card and laid back about his many trips to the principal's office for excessive socializing in class. (After all, he's the kid who loves everyone, remember?) He still napped like a dream, particularly during Biology. I'd go to parent-teacher conferences and leave feeling like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

DD, on the other hand, hit her stride once she began school. All of that passion and stubborness suddenly transformed into ambition and determination. The kid never made a B and never once got in any kind of trouble. All of her teachers thought I was the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now they're both grown and fabulous. DS is a high school teacher, a career where his patience, sense of humor, excellent social skills and abundant good nature stand him in good stead. DD is in medical school where her drive and ability to study for 18 hours a day (that same stick-to-it quality that led to those 4 hour tantrums!) are really paying off. These days I'm a GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER and vastly prefer that to the roller coaster, thank you.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I second (or third) the making sure your child gets enough sleep. It also helped with ds to make sure he didn't get too hungry. No running to the store and getting a "late" lunch when we got back. If he got really hungry, he got really grouchy. It didn't help that he also was the kind of person who would actually forget to eat.

This is my son exactly. Proper sleep and meals are a MUST with him.

 

[LBAK]

We have two kids, both grown now.

Our oldest was the most amazing baby. He was ALWAYS in a good mood and soooo laid back. He loved everyone, napped like a dream, went to bed happily and ate everything I put in front of him. I used to look at other parents struggling with their little ones and feel like the GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD.

Well, two years later along came his sister. It started at birth. My OB was a country boy and at her delivery he put it like this: "This 'un's a squalling before it's even left the hatch." (Sorry if that was TMI) She literally came into the world pitching a tantrum and they continued pretty much non-stop for four years. The kid slept about 12 minutes a day and refused to eat anything but Cheerios and mac-n-cheese. She didn't just throw tantrums-she threw tantrums with amazing staying power. The girl could go for hours. She was also a bit of a bully and was pushing around kids twice her age by the time she was three. Her first word was "mine", no, make that "MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Before she was two I owned every child rearing self-help book out there and felt like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now fast forward to the school years. DS remained happy and laid back. He was happy with the Cs on his report card and laid back about his many trips to the principal's office for excessive socializing in class. (After all, he's the kid who loves everyone, remember?) He still napped like a dream, particularly during Biology. I'd go to parent-teacher conferences and leave feeling like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

DD, on the other hand, hit her stride once she began school. All of that passion and stubborness suddenly transformed into ambition and determination. The kid never made a B and never once got in any kind of trouble. All of her teachers thought I was the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now they're both grown and fabulous. DS is a high school teacher, a career where his patience, sense of humor, excellent social skills and abundant good nature stand him in good stead. DD is in medical school where her drive and ability to study for 18 hours a day (that same stick-to-it quality that led to those 4 hour tantrums!) are really paying off. These days I'm a GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER and vastly prefer that to the roller coaster, thank you.

Great Post!

 

[agnes!]

We have two kids, both grown now.

Our oldest was the most amazing baby. He was ALWAYS in a good mood and soooo laid back. He loved everyone, napped like a dream, went to bed happily and ate everything I put in front of him. I used to look at other parents struggling with their little ones and feel like the GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD.

Well, two years later along came his sister. It started at birth. My OB was a country boy and at her delivery he put it like this: "This 'un's a squalling before it's even left the hatch." (Sorry if that was TMI) She literally came into the world pitching a tantrum and they continued pretty much non-stop for four years. The kid slept about 12 minutes a day and refused to eat anything but Cheerios and mac-n-cheese. She didn't just throw tantrums-she threw tantrums with amazing staying power. The girl could go for hours. She was also a bit of a bully and was pushing around kids twice her age by the time she was three. Her first word was "mine", no, make that "MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Before she was two I owned every child rearing self-help book out there and felt like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now fast forward to the school years. DS remained happy and laid back. He was happy with the Cs on his report card and laid back about his many trips to the principal's office for excessive socializing in class. (After all, he's the kid who loves everyone, remember?) He still napped like a dream, particularly during Biology. I'd go to parent-teacher conferences and leave feeling like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

DD, on the other hand, hit her stride once she began school. All of that passion and stubborness suddenly transformed into ambition and determination. The kid never made a B and never once got in any kind of trouble. All of her teachers thought I was the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

Now they're both grown and fabulous. DS is a high school teacher, a career where his patience, sense of humor, excellent social skills and abundant good nature stand him in good stead. DD is in medical school where her drive and ability to study for 18 hours a day (that same stick-to-it quality that led to those 4 hour tantrums!) are really paying off. These days I'm a GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER and vastly prefer that to the roller coaster, thank you.

Great Post!

I agree , jsmla's post sounds like it should be in a newspaper column. A high-paying, award-winning newspaper column.

agnes!

 

[Pigeon]

Just to be clear from to the OP, the 1-2-3 Magic system is not just counting to three to get them to do something. It's a discipline system involving time outs or some other punishment that gives them a chance to learn a little self control.