How did you stop exchanging Christmas gifts with adults?

[ReneeQ]

This question is for anyone who has successfully stopped all the non-necessary adult to adult Christmas gift giving. Last week I asked my husband to give me some Christmas gift ideas he wanted this year, as I knew his family would soon be asking for suggestions. He couldn't come up with anything he really wanted. He gave me some ideas, then admitted he was just giving me something to put on the list. The truth is we have everything we NEED, we have most things we WANT, and anything we really want and don't have, we can't afford. And that's not the kind of gift suggestions his family is looking for.

For the last few years I have felt like we are all just "giving a gift to get a gift." We "have" to give because everyone wants to, yet we get stuff that we don't want, ends up at Goodwill, etc. He and I each have 3 siblings and all are married. That is 12 adults to buy for. At just $25 each, that is $300! And frankly, it's $300 I want to quit wasting. (We tried drawing names, and we ended up exchanging gift cards! What's the point?)

Same with the parents and grandparents. There is nothing we can give them that they really want. I just feel like I'm spending money for family gifts at Christmas, for people that don't NEED anything. I have decided I want to spend that money on a TRULY needy family, providing Christmas for children that would otherwise get nothing.

Me and one sister are in total agreement. We told the other sister and it went over like a ton of bricks. She said we don't like Christmas, why don't we love everyone enough to give to them, etc? (Yes, she is VERY dramatic!)

I've just decided that "I" want to do with my money what "I" want to, and no one else can make me spend money on things I dont' want to. My husband and I are in agreement, and we only want to give to the children (2 neices, 2 nephews).

Maybe I sound harsh, but I don't mean to. I LOVE Christmas! I want to ENJOY Christmas, enjoy time with family, have time to bake, go to more events at church, etc. I'm thinking of enclosing a letter in this year's Christmas cards explaining that starting next year we no longer will be exchanging gifts with the adults. We will only give to the children, and dont' expect anything in return, unless they are old enough to make us something. It will explain that we need nothing, and want to spend our Christmas budget on the needy, and hope that "they" will feel honored that the money that used to be spent on them is going to the truly needy.

Boy, this got long! Anyway, wondering how anyone else handled this situation?

 

[*love*2*shop]

we did This Too, I Finally Stepped up and Brought it Up nicely..and GUESS what EVERYONE else felt the same WAY!!!!!! So Now we Only draw names for the kids!!! its AWESOME and ALOT less WASTEFULNESS!!!

 

[jennobrn01]

We tried doing this on both my side and dh's side of the family. It totally did not fly. A few agreed with us. Those that didn't made us look like Grinch's. We like to practice generosity throughout the year and help out our sibs when they have needs. We would love to have Christmas be focused more on family togetherness and activities. A nice meal and party games/movies for a Christmas celebration would be ideal.

So, this year we are giving very simple gifts. That is the only way I know to maybe start the trend. When all of our sibs have families of their own their tune might change.

 

[dpratt68]

Ironically enough a disney trip put an end to our adult gift swap. My dad was bringing all of us for a family trip and we wanted to save $$ that year so we didn't swap. Nobody ever brought it up again, Now we just pull names for the kids.

 

[ilovejack02]

I tried this a cpl of yrs ago with my cousin whom i adore. She now has 2 kids and i have one and so i suggested lets not swap adult gifts and just get kids gifts and she agreed but then called me in Nov. wanting to know my DH size because she saw something she just knew he needed lol. I of course went out and promptly bought something for her and DH. I told my BFF a cpl of months ago, lets not do xmas , lets just buy for the kids. She has a 1 yr old. She also agreed but then mentioned last week she ordered my xmas present. I told her i thought we werent doing that esp since we are going to WDW on 1/23/07. Well i got the I love you speech and i saw something that was perfect for you. I dont expect anything in exchange esp because i know you are going to WDW. Her DH makes about 500k a yr so its chump change for her and I KNOW when she says dont buy me anything she means it.... but i still feel like i need to(and heck i want to lol). ALL i can say is thank goodness i have a super small family. One thing my bff does for her very LARGE family is she buys magazine subscriptions for everyone and gets them off of ebay for SUPER cheap. Thats what im doing this year for my cousins... and ive gotten off really cheap, already ordered everything.
Good luck, i would love to hear other people's ideas.

 

[jennifer293]

Both of my sister's are in between the rock and a hard place and don't have the money to buy for the adults which is TOTALLY fine with me, so we have just kinda always understood that we won't do it. My parents still buy us little things but no more than 50 bucks worth or so..and we buy something for them. Usually a GC to a restaurant because they never go out to dinner to nice places because they cost too much..LOL

DH and I don't buy stuff for each other and we haven't ever since our 1st DD was born. We agree it is for the kids and if there is something we want we will just go get it and we don't have to worry about colors and sizes that way.

 

[TallyLassie]

We have not been able to eliminate adult Christmas gifts with my family, but we have been able to lessen the number. We draw names and everyone makes a list of what they want.

Yes, that does take the surprise out of the gifts, but it lessens the number of returns, unused unwanted items, and number of items that go to Goodwill.

Anything my mom wants she buys, so it is very difficult to buy for. Even the kids with multiple aunts, uncles, and grandparents are difficult to buy for. Not sure what the solution is since it is fun to have presents under the tree, but I hate the waste.

 

[shellbelle]

For the past couple of years, my DH and I have thought Christmas has got out of hand. SIL won't stop buying for everyone. Makes us look like the bad guys. Last year my side of the family decided to just buy for the kids. Okay that might work. Each DD came home with a huge garbage bag full of gifts. It was insane. NOT this year! We are going to Disney for Christmas! Not buying gifts for anyone except our kids. This will be our first Christmas in over 20 years without extended family. Can't wait!

 

[DiznEeyore]

The only adults we exchange with are my parents and dh's mom (and each other, of course). When we both got married, I asked my brother if he thought it was goofy to just, as the OP said, "give a gift to get a gift". He agreed, absolutely, and we stopped. Now we just buy gifts for each others' kids. Same with my best friend -- she would've kept exchanging but I convinced her it was better if we just bought for the kids.

In dh's extended family, as I said, we just exchange with his mom. His aunts usually buy something for our son, and we pick up something small for him to give them (often it's been something he and I have made, like candles).

My extended family isn't exactly close, and a few years ago my step-grandma asked if she could just send checks for the great-grands and the adults in the family could make charitable donations as gifts. Each year she gives something in each couple's name, and each couple does the same in her name. I like that.

 

[pigletof4]

We decided one both sides of the family have kids, that we would stop buying for the adults for Christmas. We also stopped buying for our birthdays also.

As for your parents, that's a tough one as I still buy for my parents. I know when my husband's grandmother was still alive and lived on a fixed income, we always put money towards her gas or electric bill so she didn't have to pay during the winter months. I like the gc idea to restuarants that they would never normally frequent.

 

[julsmom]

I would love to lessen the gift giving. Just as said, it is not about a lack of love. It would just make life sooo much easier. Also, on a side note, we only have one child, while BILs have 2 and 3. So, for example, I buy for 3 of there's and they buy for 1. Oh well. I feel bad giving my parents a list for me and DH. It seems so unnecessary. Most of all though I would just love to draw names for the kids. Oh this makes my head hurt.

 

[Tiffer]

In my family, mom's side is REALLY large. We have always done, everyone over 18, we draw names at Thanksgiving, with a $25 limit. Anyone un der $18, every one gets domwthing for, usually $10-$15. We bought for our own parents ans siblings. But now even me & my brother only buy for wach others' kids.

In my ex-H's family, it wasn't as big, so we just finally eliminated adults and only bought for the kids, execept his mom.

 

[deekaypee]

Congratulations on making the decision; it's a big one, especially since not everyone in your family seems on board.

We have been working on this over the past few years with my DH's family, and it's not been an easy process especially because his parents buy gifts as a way of showing love. So...no gifts means something's wrong. It's really hard to stick by our principles, but it slowly seems to be working.

Here are things we did. First, we did what you did and let people know in advance that we wanted to put the emphasis on family time--low-stress, intimate and casual, creating memories. (That's in addition to any religious observations indidvidual members follow.) We started the discussion at the Christmas beforehand, during a conversation when folks were talking about the simpler holidays of times past and how much work my MIL put into the holidays. (Yes, she puts the pressure on herself, but that doesn't make the effort less work.) People seemed to agree that a focus on family was more important than the gifts.

Then, about four months before the holidays, DH and I repeated our desire/intention to simplify our holidays. Went over like a lead balloon, as if we were betraying family tradition. You would have thought we'd tipped over my someone's headstone. But we stuck with it, slowly scaling back.

--The first year, we bought one much smaller gift for each adult and some stocking stuffers (even adults get stockings). People were surprised, but we'd made sure we chose gifts particularly carefully that year. We chose items that weren't on the annual lists, but which reflected each person's interests or special conversations we'd had during the year. We were also careful to set a budget and stick to it, so that all gifts were equitable $-wise. For instance, my FIL uses baseball caps as conversation-starters during his retirement travels, so we had one embroidered with a special phrase he uses. It took us even more time than usual to select these gifts, and there was some confusion. It was as if people didn't expect us to follow through. But our gifts were big hits, for the most part. Plus, it helped that we applied the same rules to ourselves as spouses. The same limits, the same focus on non-material things.

--The second year, we followed the same gift-giving for the singular present. We replaced the stocking stuffers with gift cards reflecting donations to various charities, chosen by the interests/volunteer work of the indvidual. My BIL, for instance, received a donation in his name to ASPCA, as he's a dog-lover; The cards were designed by us; in my BIL's case, it was a card with a picture of HIS dog.

--The third year, no presents, per se. This decision was made easier by the my IL's suggestion that we do a destination holiday and spend the gift $ on hotels and airfare. Our gifts were food and drink that we brought with us to do some celebrating in our rooms. We did give folks gift cards of charitable donations, again, and we took turns treating the group to a meal out. This was more expensive than the first and second year, but there was far less stress on my MIL because she could just enjoy the meals out. The focus was on conversations, not on making the perfect, traditional meal. (She doesn't really like to have anyone cook in the kitchen with her, btw. If you "help out" she redoes your labor or supervises constantly, which means holidays at home are stressful. This extends to clean-up duties.)

--This year, we're traveling to my BILs, though, and there's been talk about presents again, in part because my BIL is newly engaged and there's some MIL anxiety about welcoming her into the family.

So what will DH and I do??? We're not buying gifts, I can tell you that. We're planning on making some of Grandma's A's special holiday bread to bring with us, along with the recipe to share. We're also bringing a jigsaw puzzle, as this is one of the things we do as a family. And we'll probably take the family out one night. Will this work, or will there be unexpected tensions that emerge from our decision? Both, probably. But we believe it's worth it in the long run. And so I, too, am looking for suggestions to make this transition as painless as possible. Keep 'em coming!

 

[Renysmom]

We just realized all the kids were getting older as well as us grown-ups so on T'giving a few years ago, DSIL and I brought it up and as a family we decided that over 21 or out of college ends the gift exchange. Instead, we have my mom adopt a large family and we all contribute to the gifts for the family.

This is so rewarding and makes it feel like we are really sharing the holiday in the way it was meant to be.

 

[pigget74]

On my side my parents have 10 grandchildren. They spend about $30 per kid and we draw names for the kids to give to each other and there is a $25 limit (I have 3 kids so it costs me $75.00). My siblings and I do not exchange gifts. We only give to my parents. Some years we adopt a family as a family. Every year my DH, kids, and I adopt chilren to buy for. WE make a big deal out of it and my kids love it. We also purchase food baskets to give to the family as well. They get everything they need to make a holiday meal and then some. My kids always have to add hot cocoa and marshmallows. They told me that all kids needed to feel warm on cold days.

On my DH side he only has one sister and she is married with only one kid. So we buy for them, his mom, and grandparents. His mom would never consider not buying presents and doing an alternative.

 

[MsCarsey Luvs Disney]

Our family decided to have a gag gift exchange (under $5.00) instead. It's really fun finding a gift (new or used) to bring for Christmas! Even the kids have a blast!

 

[Breakfast@Tiffany's]

Dh and I made this decision before we had children. I was to the point where the holidays looming before me was stressful, trying to shop and figure out the perfect present for each person. The thought of starting a family helped me make the decision to change how we celebrated the season. I definitely didn't want my child seeing me unhappy. So, we told everyone in the family early in the year, probably Easter when everyone was together, that we weren't exchanging gifts anymore. It took a few years for it to finally sink in, but now pretty much everyone's on board. Instead, the whole family rents a house (or houses, depending) at the beach for a week, usually in May or September or sometimes both. We're scattered around the country and beyond, so not all of us are able to get together on a specific date around the holidays. But, we all make an effort to be there at the beach.

Now that I have dd, I really look forward to the holidays, and we also have the beach vacation to look forward to. It's nice to know there are others out there who want to make memories with their families and simplify a time that should be full of peace and joy. Stick to your plan, you won't regret it.

One suggestion I would make, if you want to start tapering the gift giving, instead of going cold turkey, give something homemade and thoughtful. I remember a few years ago my father had cut out a certain daily cartoon strip for me each day and put them all in a book, with comments under each, like "this reminds me of the time...". I still have that, whereas sweaters, etc. that he gave me every year I don't. Framed snapshots, copies of old family pictures, and family trees are always cherished, too.

 

[mjantz]

For us, it was a process over a few years. We have family scattered about & nieces, nephews & grand-nephews & everything in-between. When we were first married, we bought for everyone. My SIL & I talked about how silly it was to exchange $5 gifts, so we decided to exhange ornaments. After a few years of that, we decided that was silly too so we decided to just do away with gifts for adults all together. I still buy for my brother but its usually not that expensive.
AFA nieces & nephews, we buy Christmas for all but not the grand-nephews. I had to draw a line somewhere & that was where I drew it. I may put an age restriction on it as the family grows but we'll see. I'll fully admit there are some nieces & nephews I'm alot close to than others.
AFA parents, we still buy for them but we've been known to do a group gift with some of the siblings. This year we're continuing a gift we bought last year.
Unfortunately, our big struggle is where we're spending the holidays. Seems we can't make anyone happy.

 

[deekaypee]

Dh and I made this decision before we had children. I was to the point where the holidays looming before me was stressful, trying to shop and figure out the perfect present for each person. The thought of starting a family helped me make the decision to change how we celebrated the season. I definitely didn't want my child seeing me unhappy. So, we told everyone in the family early in the year, probably Easter when everyone was together, that we weren't exchanging gifts anymore. It took a few years for it to finally sink in, but now pretty much everyone's on board. Instead, the whole family rents a house (or houses, depending) at the beach for a week, usually in May or September or sometimes both. We're scattered around the country and beyond, so not all of us are able to get together on a specific date around the holidays. But, we all make an effort to be there at the beach.

Now that I have dd, I really look forward to the holidays, and we also have the beach vacation to look forward to. It's nice to know there are others out there who want to make memories with their families and simplify a time that should be full of peace and joy. Stick to your plan, you won't regret it.

One suggestion I would make, if you want to start tapering the gift giving, instead of going cold turkey, give something homemade and thoughtful. I remember a few years ago my father had cut out a certain daily cartoon strip for me each day and put them all in a book, with comments under each, like "this reminds me of the time...". I still have that, whereas sweaters, etc. that he gave me every year I don't. Framed snapshots, copies of old family pictures, and family trees are always cherished, too.

I love those suggestions--we're headed toward the house/vacation rental, I think. But the homemade gift reminds me of something we've talked about doing sometime: getting together for a weekend and going through the attic full of family photos, scrapbooks, memorabilia and organizing it. Having that kind of activity over the holidays, without the pressure to finish it, could be lots of fun!

 

[Jana49]

It's so ironic to be reading this thread today since just yesterday, my grown son asked what he and his family could get his dad and me for Christmas. I was so glad he asked, and told him we'd prefer nothing at all, but since they won't hear of that, we'd like gift certificates to restaurants. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do with any more "stuff". Like some of you, dad and I have everything we need, and most of what we want.

Not to highjack your thread, but here are some other suggestions for the seniors in your life. "Coupons" for house cleaning or lawn care. Postage stamps. Tickets to the movies, a play, or a museum. A magazine subscription that you know we like. Disney Dollars. But restaurant gift certificates are still my favorite.