How can I make him more responsible?

[dismom9761]

It has been three weeks since school started and my DS9 is worse than ever.Last year we had a few problems but his teacher helped alot.Maybe too much.He doesn't remember to bring his assignments home,the books he needs,graded papers,etc.He doesn't tell me about projects until the night before.We go over what he needs to bring home every morning but it doesn't seem to help.I have tried punishing him but it doesn't seem to help either.He is not defiant.Yesterday he was so proud when he got off the bus because he had remembered everything.Until we found that he had brought the wrong folder home and didn't have his hw.And after he does have it ,it takes him HOURS to get it done....That is a whole other issue.How do I help him become more responsible?

 

[sweet angel]

Been there, done that. Taking things away might help, but didn't for us. Using an assignment pad might work, but didn't for us. Rewards might work, but didn't for us. Get the picture?

My son is going into 9th grade this year and I flat out told him that he's on his own. I'm no longer going to check, nag, yell, etc. Whether he passes or fails is up to him.

Good luck! I know how frustrating it is.

 

[Lessa of Pern]

maybe a notebook where he writes down eveyrhting he neds to bring home...and checks it just before he leaves school?


as far as time management...get a claendar he can hang on the wall, have him write assignments on the calendar the day they're given.

maybe agold star reward system for when he remembers to bring everything home?

 

[Lessa of Pern]

oh...and don't "rescue" him.
make it clear to him that if he waits until the last minute to do a project, you're not going to make yourself crazy buying things or staying up all night to finish the project...and that he's on his own.

 

[dismom9761]

We tried the assinment notebook to write in but he either didn't write in it or didn't bring it home.

 

[LMC]

When you find the answer, please let me know! DD7 has the same problems. I remember from when I was in school that the teacher would write the hw assignment in the corner of the chalkboard and you would put it in a small note pad. Then you would check your note pad and gather your materials before heading home, then mom/dad would have a list of homework when you got home.
My dd's teacher does not stick to her weekly newsletter that she sends out every Monday. Which is fine, but if she does not communicate changes to us in another memo, then we probably won't find out being as these are only second graders!

 

[sweet angel]

Can you call or email the teacher each day? Won't help if he forgets his books, but if he should happen to bring the books but forget the assignment, it might help.

Only other thing I could think of (which was suggested to me) is to go to the school every day and make sure he gets what he needs. Wasn't feasible for me as I work full-time and honestly don't think that teaches responsibiility.

 

[parrothead365]

Yep, boys go stupid around 9-10. Ours did the same thing so don't fret it's normal. We tried everything mentioned already and had limited success. What seemed to help us the most was getting him to use a planner type of note book and a checklist. We made the checklist part of his daily routine and checked his planner daily also. Success earned rewards and failures earned punishments such as loss of TV/video games and/or sentences about being responsible, nothing too awful(although there were days I would have loved to hang him by is toes for awhile ). It was an up hill battle but things got better. He is now in the 7th grade and so far doing ok. Just keep working with him you will find somthing that works

 

[elismom]

When DS keep forgetting things I told him I would go to the school and pop my head in his class before he left to remind him not to forget his homework.
OH ya and I told him I would wear my slippers and red lipstick.
The threat of that was enough to make him bring his stuff home.
I keep the red lipstick handy.
He says he still cant get that image out of his head, but it worked.
I ran a workshop for parents of preteens once and believe it or not this worked on a lot of kids were parents had tryed every thing.

 

[MerryPoppins]

We had problems with this. First off, don't assume that he's not trying. I did that with DD and I was wrong. I found out later she had Sensory Integration Disorder. When her senses got overloaded (which happens often at school, especially near time to go home) she would sort of slip into a daydream and forget everything. Sometimes she'd bring home the work, do it and forget to turn it in.

In 6th grade she was having so much trouble that we made up a chart that she carried with her to school. It had each class listed down the left side and a homework column for each day. If she had homework she listed it in the right space. When she'd done the work she put a check. When she turned it in she made an X over the square. I had to be specific and tell her to always mark it right then, while she was thinking about it. No homework days got an immediate X. When she remembered to use it, it gave her a picture of what she needed to do. I treated her with an ice cream or slushy on Fridays that she'd done well.

She also carried an acordian type folder. They make them in pretty bright colors. This was her homework folder. Homework for each class went into a separate slot, and when finished went right back into the same slot. She always knew where her homework was.

There is hope. She went to an Occupational Therapist who taught her tools to use. She's now a gifted student in the 9th grade. She makes straight A's and hangs onto almost everything.

 

[MELSMICE]

One of our DD's is pretty unorganized.

We needed to make her a checklist of items that needed to be in her backpack daily. What about if he brought everything home everyday? I know that is probably a lot, but it would save him from forgetting something.

With my DD we would set out the homework book on the table. When something was completed she would have to cross it out in the book.

Could you time your son when he is doing homework? Once the timer goes off homework time is over & if he's not done he must suffer the consequences from the teacher. Does he care if he suffers consequences of getting zeros or incompletes?

This is a tough situation. I think at 9 you can probably still do some kind of reward system. Good luck. I hope things get better for you & your son.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Don't rescue him. If he forgets to bring the stuff home, he forgets to bring it home. Do not go back and get it. If he tells you about a project the night before, do not run out and get materials or stay up all night to finish it. He needs to work with what you have available and go to bed when it is bedtime. If he complains or cries, calmly tell him that you are sorry he forgot his materials and that you hope he remembers them tomorrow. Then go on with what you need to do.

Have a regularly scheduled homework time. If he forgets his homework, have some books at home that he can work in--they have them for all subjects and grade levels. If his homework would normally take 30 minutes, then he sits and works for 30 minutes on this--I would suggest giving him a reasonable amount of pages that he can get done in that time. If he wants to complain, let him, but do not respond. If he finishes early have a book he can read or drawing materials.

If you want to make a checklist for him to take to school and use, do it. However HE is still responsible for bringing the stuff home.

Having a reward system for bringing and completing work on time is great. He could earn tickets. When he gets so many tickets, he can get rewards--trip to park, ice cream cone, etc. He could save tickets for bigger rewards.

Inform the teacher of what you are doing and ask her to keep you updated on what she sees going on at school. If there are consequenses at school because work is not done, papers are not signed, etc., again express that you are sorry he had to suffer those and volunteer to sit down with him and make a list of what HE can do to change that.

Once he learns that HE is responsible for his stuff and the outcome and you cannot be swayed to go back and get stuff or run out at the last minute for project stuff, it should change.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Just wanted to make sure no one thought I was saying you should take responsibility. I just think sometimes you have to teach them HOW to get organized. If you give them the tools most kids will try to improve unless they are just avoiding the homework.

I also helped my kids make up check lists. (What they needed to do in the morning before school, what they needed to bring home, what they needed to do each evening before bed.) Then they could go through the list to be sure they had everything.

And one of the healthiest habits my father ever promoted with us growing up, was that we got a 30 minute break when we got home. After that, we did homework until it was done. We never got to do anything fun until the work was finished. Amazing how that lit a fire under me. I wanted to go out and play, so I got busy. With my kids, I suggested that they go get a little exercise for a few minutes. Then I fixed a snack and they got to work.

 

[MerryPoppins]

The OP said that her son is slow to do homework. That sounds like he's not centered. You might try giving him something to chew. Give him gum or a bagel while he works. See if that makes him work faster. Sounds weird, but something that our OT taught me.

By the way, this is classic SI stuff. If you want to hear more about SI PM me and I'll share info with you.

 

[dismom9761]

Thanks for the responses.I told my son about showing up in slippers and lipstick.Unfortunately nothing ambarrassses him. Today he didn't bring home his graded work.He said that when he got back to class from REACH they were already lined up to go home and she told him to get in line.This is exactly what he said last week.I have e-mailed her.When she responds I will know if he needs to be punished.I told him this morning that he would lose tv if he didn't bring them home. I am going to try the checklist and reward system.He loves baseball cards so I thought I might buy a couple packs and give him one each day that everything is done.

 

[LMC]

What is REACH? Just a thought (I'm not asking so you don't have to answer) if he is in special ed services then you can have it written into his IEP that the teacher make sure he writes down his homework everyday in a planner. Some kids really can't help this type of thing. I don't know your son or your exact circumstances but I KNOW my ds10 would never be able to remember anything. He has a disability and ALOT of LD's (many of which our school folks have never heard about or want to research), this is why I homeschool this particular child.

 

[dismom9761]

REACH is our gifted program.He has several symptoms of AD and I am thinking of having him retested.He was borderline the first time he was tested(age 5)the Dr.said he was immature.BTW he is one of the oldest in his class.

 

[elgerber]

REACH is our gifted program.He has several symptoms of AD and I am thinking of having him retested.He was borderline the first time he was tested(age 5)the Dr.said he was immature.BTW he is one of the oldest in his class.

I wasn't going to chime in, but now that you said this I will. The part that caught my eye was the fact that it takes hours to do his work. This is my son. He is gifted and yet spends hours on homework. It's not hard for him at all, he just takes forever to get it on the paper. He was diagnosed with ADD and then this past year, they think he has a mild form of Aspergers. I would explore these options before you turn to too much punishment. I know my son has a hard time getting organized and has had trouble remembering things, but he is so hard on himself when he does, it's sad. He tries really hard, but sometimes he just can't remember it all. He is starting 7th grade next week, and 9th grade math and honors english. He got straight a's all through 6th grade as well, because his teachers and counseling staff were wonderful with working with him.

 

[mommyto3]

This is going to be long but this is a subject near and dear, and me and my son went through **** the last 2 years so I had to share.

To back up MaryPoppins....don't assume he is not trying.

My son started having problems in 3rd grade, nothing specific, made A's and B's, but had a hard time doing the little bit of homework that was assigned, we thought he was being lazy and just didn't want to try. Also his teacher was terrible and needed to have retired MANY years ago, so we thought that was part of the problem. (She was a problem, but not the whole problem) Then we start 4th grade and because both 4th grade teachers are AWESOME (we go to a small christian school) we said if he has the same problems, then it's more than the teacher. Well, it only got worse. We tried EVERYTHING. Rewards, punishment, helping, not helping, his teacher bent over backwards for us and him trying to figure out what the problem was. We were ALL miserable. Nothing we did helped. Let me add that during all this he was still getting A's and B's. But the effort put into this was unbelievable. Here are some examples:

Homework that should have taken 30 min took 4 hours.

When doing math he wouldn't line the numbers up, so would get the answers wrong

When doing a math paper that was all addition, would start subtracting for no reason

When doing a worksheet in any subject would skip a section even if the section above and below were done.

Could not spell words correctly even when the words were being copied out of a book

Had HORRIBLE handwritting, even if I would make him redo the entire page, he would still be sloppy

Would do homework and forget to turn it in

Would get answers wrong even when paper was done together in the class with the teacher giving the correct answers

Could not follow the directions on an assignment

I could go on and on. We were so frustrated and we truely thought he just wasn't trying. We knew he knew the information but he was making mistakes that just seemed so "What the heck?!?" Then one evening I had a light bulb moment and I thought to myself, "there is no way he is doing this on purpose, nor is he just being lazy".

Anyway, decided to have some test done, thought maybe he had ADD. Went to a phyciatrist(wish there was a spell check ) and long story short, he did not have ADD, he had a reading disability (She suspects dyslexia) me and my husband were shocked and were thinking that's not possible he can read just fine. She went over the testing that she did (called the WISC I think), and it showed that he had a very high IQ and any verbal based testing, he did 98% better than kids his age. But the reading and comprehension part of the testing while still in the normal range was 20 points less than was predicted for his IQ. Anything 15 points or more is considered a disability. More testing is scheduled for Oct.

Anyway, I'm in no way saying that all children that have a hard time "getting it together" have a disability. I just wanted to share our story, and let you know in some cases they truely cannot help it. I have a lot of guilt over all the times we got mad . Just something to keep in the back of your mind if nothing else works.

Hugs to you and your son, I truely feel you pain and frustration.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Mommyto3, I know just how you feel.

Not everyone who is disorganized has a disability, but I think if you have any question in your mind at all, you should look at the possibility. If anyone is interested you might look at these sites. If it sounds like your child, you might want to check into it. Again, my two children both have SI and they both are A students. DD is in the gifted program. They just needed to understand what was going on in their nervous system so they'd have the tools to cope.

http://www.parent-childservices.com/handouts/sensory_integration_checklist.htm This checklist is helpful. Notice lots of school stuff is listed. By the way, you don't have to check all the items to have SI issues. In fact, many SI kids differ widely in their symptoms. That's why it's hard to understand.

http://www.alertprogram.com/ This is an awesome program about how to find out whether you're "engine" is running low or high. It teaches you how to get centered or where you need to be. VERY helpful for kids with SI, but I think it's helpful for anyone actually. DS's 5th grade teacher had me teach her about this and she used to have the whole class do activities to center them before a test.