How awkward would you feel?

[Marseeya]

Just curious what your opinions are.

My DH is a choir director (a source of contention between us), and I don't go to church, nor do the kids. DD goes once in a while, but not often. I've told him in the past that I would go only if it was something very important to him (like a Christmas cantata or something), but I just don't want to be involved, period.

Every once in a while, he'll do things outside the church that he wants his family there for. Like, the choir group with meet for dinner with their families, or like today one of the members is having a picnic. He really wants us there for things like that, but I'm just wondering how awkward or weird it would be for us to just show up, not being members of the church group.

Just curious what your opinion is. When I grew up in church, if we ever had a member whose spouse or family didn't attend with them, those family members were usually raked over the coals behind their backs. That's really the only point of reference I have for it.

 

[helenabear]

My choir director's wife is a pastor at a Methodist chuch on the other side of town. Truthfully I am not sure what denomination his children practice as he is Catholic. They show up all the time to such events, and no I do not think it is weird. The choir director lives on the other side of town, and while he is a member of our church, I don't expect his family to be if it is a 30 min drive to their house. Just simply doesn't make sense to me. So yes, they are always welcome no matter which church they are members of.

 

[Keli]

I don't know, your experience of seeing spouses/family 'raked over the coals' seems unusual to me. I've never experienced that and I've been a churchgoer all my life (various churches over the years) and I've seen lots of members bring non-member spouse/family to different events.

If it means a lot to your dh then I would go. Who knows, you and the kids might have a lot of fun.

 

[powellrj]

My DH doesn't attend church with us because he works on Sundays, but he will attend family and evening events when he can. If anyone has a problem with it, no one has even mentioned it to me.

Our sunday school teachers wife doesn't attend, and while people have mentioned that they would like to met her sometime, nobody has ever spoken unkindly about her. His DD was married last month, and even though we have never met her, we took up a collection and got her a gift card.

If his group is like our group, they may wonder sometimes why you don't attend, but it isn't anything sinister or mean.

 

[GeorgeG]

My wife got booted from the Catholic Church for marrying me (non-Catholic, twice divorced, devout heathen, etc.). Neither of us goes to any church except that I sometimes play with a church band and that's strictly business. I'm not uncomfortable there as long as they respect that's it's just business for me.

I would say that it should be fine to attend functions as you described as long as the people respect your decision not to join the church and don't get in your face about it. If they do, you can always make a polite exit.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I don't think it's odd at all- in fact it's a show of support and family for your dh. On the flip side, in our church choir, there is a man who is an aetheist. Goes to Cathoic Mass every week, attends all the church functions, and is an aetheist. No one rakes him over the coals, but we do snicker a bit. It's kind of funny.

 

[disykat]

We have lots of nonmembers that come to social events occasionally with their spouses. I've never heard anything negative about it. I think people are always glad to see them and it is what it is.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm so glad to hear this.

Maybe the church I grew up in just had unusually mean-spirited members. It really soured me from going to church, I'll tell you that. I especially remember a man who belonged to the choir and his wife didn't attend church at all. Well, everyone felt SO sorry for this man, because he must have had such a horrible wife, and what a floozy she was, etc. Oh brother, nothing could have been farther from the truth!

 

[Marseeya]

By the way, Keli, how are you doing now? I hope you've gotten some rest and peace. I've been thinking about you.

 

[paigevz]

I am the one in my family who wants to go to church and takes the kids to Sunday School. It became so awkward to not have dh there at least once in a while, that I quit going (I still take the kids though). He is not interested, at all, except that I have managed to get him to go on Easter Sunday. But that's it. Well, the problem is that it makes me feel really awkward each time I'm asked where he is and when I'm bringing him. Even when I explain he just doesn't go to church, I get the same question over and over. This pastor of the new church when we moved asked it every Sunday for 5 Sundays in a row, so I stopped going. It was just too awkward for me. It wasn't in a mean way, just sort of intrusive.

So, I'd be thrilled to go to a church function with dh. If you ask him, he wouldn't go.

Actually, I wish we could do anything socially. He says all he needs is me and the kids. He won't even meet neighbors. If there's a block party, he stays home while the kids and I go. He will only go to social functions for his business.........that's it.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'm so glad to hear this.

Maybe the church I grew up in just had unusually mean-spirited members. It really soured me from going to church, I'll tell you that. I especially remember a man who belonged to the choir and his wife didn't attend church at all. Well, everyone felt SO sorry for this man, because he must have had such a horrible wife, and what a floozy she was, etc. Oh brother, nothing could have been farther from the truth!

Wow...sounds like you and I grew up in the same church!! Maybe it has to do with denomination, or maybe we were both just unlucky, I really don't know. I got out of the church when I was about 12, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me! Years later, after I was solidly a practicing solitary pagan, I decided to try the Unitarian Universalist church. It's been like night and day!!! I'm now a proud member of the Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans. We have a church service every Sunday morning and a Pagan meeting every Sunday night. I don't go nearly all the time, but whenever I show up, I feel welcomed and loved, something I never felt in that "other" church I grew up in.
So yeah, I can totally relate, but at the same time, maybe your DH's church is more like the one I go to now, or the ones that others on this board have found. I say try it once, if it's totally horrible don't go back again. Good luck!!

 

[Marseeya]

I am the one in my family who wants to go to church and takes the kids to Sunday School. It became so awkward to not have dh there at least once in a while, that I quit going (I still take the kids though). He is not interested, at all, except that I have managed to get him to go on Easter Sunday. But that's it. Well, the problem is that it makes me feel really awkward each time I'm asked where he is and when I'm bringing him. Even when I explain he just doesn't go to church, I get the same question over and over. This pastor of the new church when we moved asked it every Sunday for 5 Sundays in a row, so I stopped going. It was just too awkward for me. It wasn't in a mean way, just sort of intrusive.

So, I'd be thrilled to go to a church function with dh. If you ask him, he wouldn't go.

Actually, I wish we could do anything socially. He says all he needs is me and the kids. He won't even meet neighbors. If there's a block party, he stays home while the kids and I go. He will only go to social functions for his business.........that's it.

I can see where that would have been awkward for you. The old church where DH was choir director -- incidentally, the one I grew up in -- used to constantly ask him where I was and why I wasn't coming. One of the women he knew practically accosted me every time I saw her. I mean, I didn't mind the invite, but she was getting really pushing and intrusive to the point where I'd cross the road if I saw her coming. After about a year of that, I finally was just blunt with her and asked her to back off.

Anyway, the church DH attends now isn't like that with him. They ask after me, but don't ask why I'm not there.

 

[Marseeya]

Wow...sounds like you and I grew up in the same church!! Maybe it has to do with denomination, or maybe we were both just unlucky, I really don't know. I got out of the church when I was about 12, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me! Years later, after I was solidly a practicing solitary pagan, I decided to try the Unitarian Universalist church. It's been like night and day!!! I'm now a proud member of the Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans. We have a church service every Sunday morning and a Pagan meeting every Sunday night. I don't go nearly all the time, but whenever I show up, I feel welcomed and loved, something I never felt in that "other" church I grew up in.
So yeah, I can totally relate, but at the same time, maybe your DH's church is more like the one I go to now, or the ones that others on this board have found. I say try it once, if it's totally horrible don't go back again. Good luck!!

I've heard a lot of good things about the UU churches! I wonder if they accept atheists.

Anyway, I went to the picnic with DH and it was very nice. They weren't intrusive at all and never made me feel uncomfortable about not coming to church with DH. It was only brought up one time in a very offhand way that it would be nice to see me there with him, but it wasn't said in the way I'm normally used to hearing -- almost accusatory.

 

[diznygirl]

Please go and enjoy these out-of-church socials with DH. He spends a lot of time with these people, and I'm sure he wants to show off his family - as well as them wanting to meet you. There are many families of mixed-religions these days - it shouldn't be seen as something strange that you don't attend their church.

 

[Saphire]

Please go and enjoy these out-of-church socials with DH. He spends a lot of time with these people, and I'm sure he wants to show off his family - as well as them wanting to meet you. There are many families of mixed-religions these days - it shouldn't be seen as something strange that you don't attend their church.

Nicely said, diznygirl, and I completely agree. We attend a Congregational Church, but there are many who have spouses that attend Catholic Church, other Protestant Churches, or none at all. We are pleased to meet everyone. There is no pressure whatsoever, and people are just glad to meet the 'whole' family! I'm sorry that you had a bad experience previously. I hope that you can go with your husband as a supportive partner, and leave the past behind. I'm sure he will appreciate it.

 

[CF'er]

than my DS and DD who are Baptist (I am now too but was raised Methodist) being in the local Catholic church's annual Christmas play and my DD was Mary. DD's best friend attends and they needed more kids for their Christmas play so I signed mine up. They love it. I like the irony. Also my first hubby was Catholic so I attended alot of Masses at one point in my life.

Glad you went and had a good time.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I've heard a lot of good things about the UU churches! I wonder if they accept atheists.

They absolutely do accept atheists (although the atheists I've met in the Unitarian Church call themselves Humanists, not atheists).

 

[Marseeya]

They absolutely do accept atheists (although the atheists I've met in the Unitarian Church call themselves Humanists, not atheists).

Humanist isn't quite the same dirty word in certain circles, is it? But it certainly describes what I am.