How about a JOKE thread? Everyone loves Jokes :)
- Thread starter HaleyB
- Start date
Lassie Lynne
DIS Professional Lurker
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2003
- Messages
- 1,151
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.......
To get to the shell station.......
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
monymony3471
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 17, 2005
- Messages
- 7,027
My son told me this.
Why did the sucker cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
Why did the sucker cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
/
goofyshell
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2004
- Messages
- 1,055
What did the hat say to the hat rack?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You stay here, I'll go on a head.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You stay here, I'll go on a head.
reeeoga
<font color=blue>No I only Et one. Maybe tonight I
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2005
- Messages
- 3,968
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
reeeoga
<font color=blue>No I only Et one. Maybe tonight I
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2005
- Messages
- 3,968
A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar, but less serious state. The marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured marine what had happened.
The marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing, liberal drunk.
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
The marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing, liberal drunk.
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
RobInBigKC
<font color=blue>New Rule:<br><marquee><font color
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Messages
- 5,169
A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender says, "No, and if you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit says, "Ok, then have you got any carrots?"
-- Rob
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender says, "No, and if you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"
The rabbit comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"
The bartender says, "No."
The rabbit says, "Ok, then have you got any carrots?"
-- Rob
Ms.Grumpy
Sweet Home CHICAGO!
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2006
- Messages
- 941
A brother and a sister went up to their grandpa who was sleeping on the couch and woke him up. "Grandpa can you please croak like a frog."Grandpa upset because they woke him up says, "NO"! Children keep asking and after the fourth time the Grandpa sits up and says, "Why do you two want me to croak like a frog for?" Children respond,"Daddy said that once Grandpa croaks we can finally go to Disney World."
-
Is a Marvel Day at Sea Cruise Worth It If I Don't Like Marvel?
-
How to Find Walt Disney in All Four Parks at Walt Disney World
-
See What's New in Liberty Square and Frontierland at Magic Kingdom
-
New Disney x Fisher Price Retro Toys Now Available
-
Disney Cruise Line 101: Your Disembarkation Day Guide
-
New Disney Starlight Bucket & Popcorn at Magic Kingdom
-
Characters From 'The Fantastic Four' + New Food Heading to Disneyland Park
Receive up to $1,000 in Onboard Credit and a Gift Basket!
That’s right — when you book your Disney Cruise with Dreams Unlimited Travel, you’ll receive incredible shipboard credits to spend during your vacation!
CLICK HERE
That’s right — when you book your Disney Cruise with Dreams Unlimited Travel, you’ll receive incredible shipboard credits to spend during your vacation!
CLICK HERE
