Honeymoon Registries?

[Crankyshank]

I'm a big fan of registries and I'm not a traditionalist at all, but I find the notion of honeymoon registries distasteful. If you (meaning general you and not OP specific) need someone to pay for your honeymoon because you can't afford it, then imho you should scale back on the wedding and wait to travel until you can afford the trip you desire - possibly with the wedding cash people are likely to give you without prompting to do so.

 

[marybet]

I agree it is tacky. I would never do that. I have given money before and how they use it is up to them. But to actually ask for money for your honeymoon, that is just wrong.

 

[cleo]

Honeymoon registries bug me too. I think registries have gone from convenience for the guests to entitlement for the couple. Of course mosts guests are going to send a gift, but it doesn't need to be so blatant.

Which brings me to another thought, when I see registry information incuded on an invitation, it just gives me a bad taste in my mouth. Everything is now online and it takes just a few minutes to find someone's registry. And if one if not inclined to search, a phone call to a family member of the bride- or groom-to-be will yield the same info.

 

[pearlieq]

My issue with honeymoon registries is that they're usually way overpriced.

The agents office usually takes a hefty fee, and most of the items offered (rooms, experiences, etc.) could be purchased through other channels for much less money. It's quite a racket and I just don't think I could bring myself to spend money on that. The place linked by the OP charges a 7% service fee PLUS a handling fee that is charged to the gift giver!

I would do a small traditional registry somewhere with a good return policy (i.e. not Target) and ask your family and wedding party to spread the word that cash would be appreciated if anyone were to ask them for gift suggestions.

 

[figment52]

I've never been a fan of 'cash equivilent' registries. (honeymoons, mortgages, etc.)

The difference is that the point of a regular registry is to allow people who want to buy you sheets or towels or kitchen wares to know what color or type you want. It also avoids duplications. It's purely about the guest's conveinance.

If you want to give a couple cash for their honeymoon, what good does the registry do you, as a guest? You don't have to worry about giving the same cash that someone else did. You can't give the wrong type of cash. Having a honeymoon registry is just asking for money.

I realize this distinction is pretty darn subtle. I also realize that people can be tacky about traditional registries as well. However, like much of etiquette, this is about a polite fiction. I'd not go so far as to call people who use 'cash' registries tacky, but, personally, they rub me the wrong way.

I fall in this camp as well.

Very nicely said.

 

[scrump]

I think it's the sign of the times. There are a lot of things about modern bridal traditions that are tacky, creepy and overboard, but I think they are fast becoming the norm. I don't know how these registries work, and would feel weird paying for "hotel night #3", for example. I, too, somewhat wanted a nice honeymoon versus a nice wedding, so we scaled back our reception considerably, so we could afford to splurge on a nice vacation.

I would not be opposed to it, but knowing what I know now (very little), I would probably exhaust all other gift options before buying off a honeymoon registry.

Congrats!!!!!!!!

 

[ZPT1022]

That's a good question. To me it just seems like the honeymoon is something that the bride and groom (or their families if they choose to) should pay for on their own. To use the same logic, why not invite guests to sponsor/pay for the floral decorations or the DJ?

Registries seem to be more of a suggestion of what the couple might need and are intended to help the gift giver find something that they could use.

fair enough. I know when we went on ours my mom spread the word that our house was pretty well stocked but we'd enjoy being able to enjoy our honeymoon a little bit more, since we already had a one year old and it was likely our last vacation alone for awhile, which aside from 2 other single nights since, it has been. I wouldn't be opposed to contributing to one but I can see why some people might be. I guess I just remember being there and being so cash strapped at the time that it was nice to have the $$ and Disney $$ to bring with us.

 

[ZPT1022]

I've never been a fan of 'cash equivilent' registries. (honeymoons, mortgages, etc.)

The difference is that the point of a regular registry is to allow people who want to buy you sheets or towels or kitchen wares to know what color or type you want. It also avoids duplications. It's purely about the guest's conveinance.

If you want to give a couple cash for their honeymoon, what good does the registry do you, as a guest? You don't have to worry about giving the same cash that someone else did. You can't give the wrong type of cash. Having a honeymoon registry is just asking for money.

I realize this distinction is pretty darn subtle. I also realize that people can be tacky about traditional registries as well. However, like much of etiquette, this is about a polite fiction. I'd not go so far as to call people who use 'cash' registries tacky, but, personally, they rub me the wrong way.

I never realized that there was such a thing as a mortgage registry! I hear you on tacky traditional registries. SIL's registry included such doozies as a $95 stand for the gravy boat and a $200 Vera Wang vase. I'm not a fancy china kind of girl anyhow but how do you feel when the dog knocks over and ruins the $200 vase? Crazy stuff.

 

[Nicolepa]

How is it any more than registering at say, Macy's? If the bride and groom follow proper etiquette they shouldn't mention gifts AT ALL. What's the difference if their parents or the shower hostess mentions Macy's or Target or whatever store or mentions a honeymoon registry?

Because it is just a disguised way of asking for cash. All these honeymoon registries do is give you a Visa (or similar) debit card. My BIL just got married and did one of these, everyone I talked to thought it was tacky and he got very few "gifts" off of his registry.

When I get someone a wedding gift I want it to be something that they will use on a regular basis and remember that we gave that to them. For example I won't give someone a place setting for their China, but I might give them a serving dish, something that you only get one of. For my BIL we got him a nice Leaning tower of Pisa ornament because they were going to Italy for their honeymoon, now every year when they put the ornament up they will (maybe) think of us.

 

[C.Ann]

I don't care for the idea - and would be one of those who would not contribute to it.. If you have already been living together for 2 years, then most likely people will give a cash gift - without the need for you to stand there with your hand out begging people to pay for your honeymoon.. Shoot - some couples never even get to go on a honeymoon - let alone a dream honeymoon where donations are requested..

Regardless, congrats on your wedding..

 

[hornedfrog]

I also wouldn't 'contribute' to a honeymoon registry. It wasn't long ago that I was a bride and I have many friends who have married in the past several years. Some have chosen a honeymoon registry, but most haven't. While I'm sure it works out for some, I don't know a soul who received as much contributed to the honeymoon registry as they wanted/expected to receive. One couple ONLY had a honeymoon registry. It was a planned trip where you could choose to buy them anything from a night in a hotel in the city they were staying in, or a piece of luggage or an excursion. I think they ended up with one person buying them 1 piece of a 2-piece luggage set and that was it. The bride was very irritated by this and couldn't understand what the problem was.

I lived with my DH for several years before we married. Speaking only for myself...sure, we had 95% of the stuff we needed to live in our house. But, much of that stuff was very low-end/cheap and we had no problem filling up traditional registries at two different stores. It was also nice to get a set of matching glasses and some nicer dishes (no china...I'm talking Crate and Barrel). Maybe half of our guests used the registries, so many people struck out on their own or gave cash anyway.

 

[ZPT1022]

Because it is just a disguised way of asking for cash. All these honeymoon registries do is give you a Visa (or similar) debit card. My BIL just got married and did one of these, everyone I talked to thought it was tacky and he got very few "gifts" off of his registry.

When I get someone a wedding gift I want it to be something that they will use on a regular basis and remember that we gave that to them. For example I won't give someone a place setting for their China, but I might give them a serving dish, something that you only get one of. For my BIL we got him a nice Leaning tower of Pisa ornament because they were going to Italy for their honeymoon, now every year when they put the ornament up they will (maybe) think of us.

I didn't think it worked like that? I had looked at one and the payments went directly to vendors to pay for things. For example if you were getting married and I gave you a couples massage at your resort as a gift, then you would receive a certificate saying "Becky gave you a couples massage" or something like that. I get what you are saying about gifts that will be remembered but I think that gifting an experience would also be remembered. Maybe that's justs me though, we're more into experiences than items right now though.

 

[disykat]

I didn't think it worked like that? I had looked at one and the payments went directly to vendors to pay for things. For example if you were getting married and I gave you a couples massage at your resort as a gift, then you would receive a certificate saying "Becky gave you a couples massage" or something like that. I get what you are saying about gifts that will be remembered but I think that gifting an experience would also be remembered. Maybe that's justs me though, we're more into experiences than items right now though.

Okay, I'm and a bit by this. Heck, we've been married for 16 years and I'm still a bit skeeved out by the idea of remembering someone fondly for gifting us with the experience of a couples massage. While I'm know it's much tamer than the name suggests, there are some things I just don't want a 3rd party involved with and I'm pretty sure anything involving nudity is one of them.

I would not have invited anyone into my honeymoon planning for anything. It was an intensely intimate experience. I look at my pictures and remember the fun we had planning and experiencing it together. I would not want to look through the photos and be thinking "that was the day Aunt June paid for".

 

[Cool-Beans]

Brides are never ever ever ever supposed to think about receiving gifts. Since they aren't even THINKING about it, they cannot possibly ask for anything special (or ask for nothing.)

The reason registries are OK is that, ostensibly, the bride is not involved. The way it worked was everyone would call the mother of the bride to ask what she thought the bride might need or want. Overwhelmed mothers of the bride would set up registries.

The fact that the bride actually picks the stuff out is overlooked.

And asking people to pitch in on the honeymoon! Oh, Lord.

If you want anyone who has been taught even the beginnings of manners to think you were well brought-up, don't do it.

 

[barkley]

one thing that concerns me with these kind's of 'registries' is what happens to the 'gifts' (money) if the b/g are unable to make up any shortfall's and can't pay for the remainder of the trip? since most travel agencies won't book hotel ressies and such without a deposit and full funds in hand so many days before the actual trip-i have to assume that there's some provision in the 'registry' that requires the registrant to make a deposit and pay the funds in full well ahead of the honeymoon. so a b/g unable to come up with the funds/not receiving the gifts via the site they hoped for, could end up with no honeymoon at all. i also have to wonder if thats the case-if the money is in any way refundable-or if it gets eaten up by some kind of cancellation fees.

not that i'm comfortable with this type of registry (just not my cup of tea). i would'nt have registered at all for my wedding, but when people pointed out that it was easier for them to know our tastes, linen colors and such (and neither my mom nor my future mil wanted to field those questions) i decided it could be helpfull for guests. the other 'big supporters' of us registering were out of town/state relatives who did'nt know if we had the same stores around us that they did-some did'nt want to put us in the position of having to try to return a duplicate gift to an out of area store.

Updated-
OK-i just looked more closely at the site-it's nothing more than a company that collects money for the bride and groom and then sends it to them. they don't book the travel or guarantee it-they just make suggestions you can choose from-or let the b/g say what the cost of something is. then at the end the b/g receive a check for the money they company has collected (appears they won't even allow an internal transfer of funds to their associated travel company you can link to). if thats the case-why would i as a guest want to gift money that cost's me more money to give (the service fee)-i could just send a check or aex gift card to the couple with the same results (or if i knew where they were going on a planned trip i might opt to give them a gift certificate they could apply as needed/desired).

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't care for it. If you are old enough to get married and have a honeymoon then you should pay for it on your own, and if you are already living together for 2 years is a "honeymoon" really necessary??

 

[LoraJ]

I don't care for it. If you are old enough to get married and have a honeymoon then you should pay for it on your own, and if you are already living together for 2 years is a "honeymoon" really necessary??

Of course it is.
What does living together have to do with having a honeymoon?

I see a honeymoon more as a relaxing getaway to regroup after you have been so stressed out from months of wedding planning.

 

[singingpixie]

Wow, I didn't know it would be such a hot topic- I guess I didn't really think of the manners implications of it all. I didn't know the background of registries, just that I am expected to create one and couldn't think of things to put on it (that's the kind of stuff I've been recieving for christmas and birthday presents since I moved out of the college dorms) so I thought this might be a cute idea.

I certainly don't want to appear like I'm asking for money... although it will be a big trick trying to figure out how to afford a honeymoon ourselves. So much to figure out!

Anyway, thanks for the honest opinions!

 

[smartestnumber5]

OP I'm with you. I just happened to see the Disney Honeymoon Registry info today and got really exicited (gf and I are thinking about a wedding in the next few years). I have a large extended family and there are a lot of weddings. I've never seen one in the last decade at least that didn't include a registry of some kind, and I just can't see what the difference is between asking for ridiculously expensive wine glasses and asking for a special addition to one's honeymoon. (I am also working on the understanding that the Disney registry wouldn't necessarily just be putting cash on a gift card, but could be paying for a certain activity or spa day, etc. Maybe that's wrong though )

I think the normal registries are often just exercises in overprivileged greediness; a friend of mine just went to a wedding for a cousin and the cheapest thing on the regsitry was an $80 set of knife/fork/spoon. Apparently in her circle people don't give cash at weddings, so she had to buy the $80 object. Since she was getting that one, her parents had to splurge for the next cheapest--something in the $120 range. Of course, many people are more reasonable with their registries; luckily everyone in my family has stuck to places like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target; but still, I can't help but feel they encourage people to ask for things they don't need. (And if one is going to ask for something one doesn't need, I personally would rather it be an extravagant vacation experience than china.) GF and I are living together and before that I was living in an apartment with a roommate for 2 years; my immediate family donated a ton of their old household items to us and now we're actually overly stocked with mugs and dishes and glasses. Since registries seem to be expected in my family I'm not sure what gf and I will do. I mean, clearly we could have a good time filling it with kitchen gadgets like cappucino makers and kitchen aid products and all that, but we don't need those things; I would have thought a honeymoon registry would have been a good alternative.** Perhaps we will just not do any registry and just use the cash for the honeymoon or a house payment or whatever.

Also, although I realize there are always issues of etiquette and all that which go along with gift giving and receiving, let's not kid ourselves. Generally speaking people give gifts at weddings because that's what one does. One might enjoy giving it or one might feel forced to give it or it might be a little of both. But in most cases, one isn't feeling some overwhelming desire to do something touching for that 3rd cousin once removed who one hasn't seen in 4 years. At least, that's how it is in my family. Each year my mom makes a count of all of the numerous great-great-neices and 3rd cousins who will be getting married, or getting first communion, or graduating, or whatever and figures out how much the gifts are going to cost. If it's costing a lot she then complains about how it's going to be a bad year. The last family wedding was in Sept--a great-niece of my mothers who she's probably said 5 words to in the last 5 years. My entire immediate family spent the day before the wedding checking with one another how much money they have to give so as not to look cheap. Eventually my mom settled on $50 because that seemed to be the best balance of not looking like a totally cheap but not completely busting the budget. My grandmother went back through her records and saw that she had given the bride's older sister over $100 so she had to give this bride the same amount to be fair. My aunt, on the other hand, asked her own children how much the bride's parents had given them at their weddings and then she matched that amount. While I'm sure everyone was happy to give the gifts in one sense, in another sense it was clearly simply a matter of fulfilling their social duty and not looking bad.

Oh well, mine will be a gay wedding so I think a honeymoon registry would be the least of the controversy.

** Actually, despite all of the opinions on this thread, I still think a honeymoon registry could be a good idea for just those who are close to the couple--especially friends. In my friend circle, at least, almost everyone is a graduate student and pretty darn strapped when it comes to money compared to a lot of people of their age. Any gift they gave would be a small one, but they might feel a little weird about giving cash if the amount would be so small. I would think that a honeymoon registry would be a perfect thing for them.

 

[va32h]

Okay, I'm and a bit by this. Heck, we've been married for 16 years and I'm still a bit skeeved out by the idea of remembering someone fondly for gifting us with the experience of a couples massage. While I'm know it's much tamer than the name suggests, there are some things I just don't want a 3rd party involved with and I'm pretty sure anything involving nudity is one of them.

I would not have invited anyone into my honeymoon planning for anything. It was an intensely intimate experience. I look at my pictures and remember the fun we had planning and experiencing it together. I would not want to look through the photos and be thinking "that was the day Aunt June paid for".

I was thinking the same thing! Can you just imagine the thank you notes?

"Dear Uncle Albert, thank you so much for the night in the hot tub. We sure made the most of it! "

I think registries in general lean toward the tacky anyway. Many people like them (as guests) because it makes shopping easier, so I do understand that.

But frankly - while I have no opposition to living together before marriage - my personal opinion is that couples who are finally getting married after living together for some time should just have smaller, more low-key weddings in general.

The tone of those weddings tend to be less "how sweet that they are starting a new life together" and more "it's about time they made it legal", you know?