Holidays!!! Food, fun, and .... <eek> Family

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

My DH and I have been having Thanksgiving with our girls for several years now... just us at our home. Having all our family in one town can feel like a tug of war and get a little stressful. We decided that we would have our own time on Thanksgiving. Later in the day, we still go and visit our families.

However, EVERY SINGLE YEAR, my mother acts like she doesn't know this and gets all hurt and offended by this. I am still coming to see her. I'm just not eating her food (which is probably a food poisoning risk anyway)!

I'm so tired of dealing with this. I know she wants to see her kids. I have kids and can understand that, but all she is doing is making me NOT want to see her.

We see our families every holiday and she never wants to compromise on anything. It's exhausting.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[bellebud]

it can be hard w/ both families living close. after numerous years of splitting the day w/ both families - dinner w/ my family at 1pm and dinner w/ his at 6pm (ridiculous eating twice... or doing dinner w/ one and dessert w/ another... and us being exhausted and never actually enjoying the holiday), and also switching back and forth each year (this year we see his family, next year we see my family... and us never being happy w/ this arrangement either)... a few years ago, we decided to have thanksgiving w/ my family the weekend before thanksgiving, and have thanksgiving day w/ dh's family. My family is the flexible family and don't mind doing thanksgiving early. it actually frees up the holiday for my brothers to see their wives families if they wish, or just gives them a peaceful holiday w/ their own little families. my mom and step-dad sometimes go out to dinner, sometimes stay home. then on thanksgiving, we're totally free to go to my inlaws and enjoy the entire day there. no more rushing around. and my whole family loves our early thanksgiving together. for some reason, because it's not on the actual holiday, it's less stressful, and more enjoyable.

hope you can figure out something that's enjoyable for everyone.

 

[LISAVWL]

sorry, I really don't have any advice for you but I do have
My family is the same way -- it's getting so stressful that I dread "the talk" once the holidays roll around. Trying to remember who we had dinner with last year, dessert with, do we switch years or just stay home? Talk about family stress! And just like your Mom, she pretends she has no idea what I'm talking about! WHEW!
Here's to happy holidays!

 

[mom2aredhead]

We are 30 minutes from my MIL, 45 mins from my parents (in the opposite direction of course). We would go somewhere for 1:00, leave by about 4:30 to get somewhere else for 6:00. I used to call them "drive by holidays" since we spent so little time in either place. I hated it.

One year my husband actually faked being sick so we could stay home. Another year we lied and said we were going to the Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC. All that because neither of us wanted to hurt our parents feelings by missing a holiday for a legitimate reason like being in the car for 3 hours driving from home to one hosue, then the other then home again. It was ridiculous.

Anyway, a new rule went into effect when my son was born because I refused to drag a kid around for that nonsense every holiday. I nicely explained to all of them how selfish it was on their part to expect us to be there for every holiday since we had obligations to both families and they needed to be OK with sharing like grown ups. End of story.

Soooo, the night before Thanksgiving, we go to my MIL's, order pizza for dinner, help her set the table/prepare and spend time with her. Actual Thanksgiving dinner is at my parents house. We spend Palm Sunday with my parents, and have Easter at my MIL's house. Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas Day with my family (sometimes their house, sometimes ours.)

Let them pout...they'll get over it. Or better yet, threaten to throw them in the car and drag them around to see how you get to spend every holiday. Maybe it'll enlighten them. Just don't be afraid to put your foot down.

 

[LadyShea]

My gosh is this common! What is it like written in some handbook somewhere that you must make your adult children feel guilty unless they are at your home every holiday?

Luckily my mom ended the "driving to various parents and relatives" houses when we were little, because she hated it so much, so is totally understanding on whatever we choose to do.

Some ideas anyhoo:

1. Host dinner at your house. You make the turkey and stuffing, and have your mom bring the side dishes and his family bring the desserts...or some other equitable arrangement.

2. Do a "Friday after Thanksgiving" family potluck party for both families -and make it a tradition. Everyone bring their leftovers and a bottle of wine and you can watch a fave holiday movie together, sing carols, play board games or cards, trim the tree, draw names for Christmas or whatever fits you all as a group etc.

3. Go on vacation every year. A surprising number of people I know do this...wonder if it's because they don't like having to scurry all over to avoid guilt trips!

 

[pigget74]

it can be hard w/ both families living close. after numerous years of splitting the day w/ both families - dinner w/ my family at 1pm and dinner w/ his at 6pm (ridiculous eating twice... or doing dinner w/ one and dessert w/ another... and us being exhausted and never actually enjoying the holiday), and also switching back and forth each year (this year we see his family, next year we see my family... and us never being happy w/ this arrangement either)... a few years ago, we decided to have thanksgiving w/ my family the weekend before thanksgiving, and have thanksgiving day w/ dh's family. My family is the flexible family and don't mind doing thanksgiving early. it actually frees up the holiday for my brothers to see their wives families if they wish, or just gives them a peaceful holiday w/ their own little families. my mom and step-dad sometimes go out to dinner, sometimes stay home. then on thanksgiving, we're totally free to go to my inlaws and enjoy the entire day there. no more rushing around. and my whole family loves our early thanksgiving together. for some reason, because it's not on the actual holiday, it's less stressful, and more enjoyable.

hope you can figure out something that's enjoyable for everyone.

Sounds like us. Last year we boycotted everyone and spent the week at DISNEY!!!!!

 

[LISAVWL]

Sounds like us. Last year we boycotted everyone and spent the week at DISNEY!!!!!

I have been trying to talk DH into this for YEARS!!!!!

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

Sounds like us. Last year we boycotted everyone and spent the week at DISNEY!!!!!

This is us EXACTLY!!! For the last 6 years, we have traveled to Disney on Thanksgiving Day (no traffic!!) and eaten at Cracker Barrel for about $8/person. Then we spend the week after Thanksgiving at Disney jump-starting the Christmas season with their beautiful decorations & MVMCP, etc. Only 1 little problem -- the inlaws decided we had a such good idea that they started joining us Just kidding! They HAVE joined us for the last 4 years or so, but hey, at least we're at Disney! Kinda like that old saying "a rainy day on the golf course is better than a sunny day at the office".

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

I have been trying to talk DH into this for YEARS!!!!!

Oh man ....... tell him it's the ONLY way to go!!