Holiday traditions

[disneymagicgirl]

It is holiday time...that means family drama time

My inlaws are upset b/c we are not going to MI to visit them for the holidays.

Background info:
Keep in mind that I am a RN (very part time) and am required to work one holiday, which is Christmas Eve this year. We saw them last in April of this year. They came down last Christmas to our house in 2009 b/c our son was born on 12/21 last year. We intend to go to MI this summer. They are annoyed that we go to Disney every year but we are not going to MI for any holidays. I am not a cold weather person and our kids do not have the gear for freezing cold temps as we are from Charleston. My side of the family is here in Charleston.
so...
I am trying to find a compromise. We cannot decide last minute each year where we will spend the holidays. My MIL and I want to try and establish some sort of tradition. I am trying to find a place where we could all drive to and meet up (flying a family of 5 is not cheap) for Thanksgiving or Christmas each year or every other year. We prefer not to go to MI b/c as I mentioned- it is cold, our kids are too young to do many snow activities, our kids would be stir crazy sitting in the house, flying is not cheap.
I need help finding a location that the whole family could plan on meeting up at each year or biannually. We are in Charleston, our BIL and his family are in WI, the grandparents are in detroit, and my SIL and her hubby are in Richmond. Where is there to go? I am thinking some sort of resort type place where there are activities to entertain the kiddos. Should we just move it around every year so it is eventually convenient for each family?

They are, of course, welcome to come here each year. They are more portable...2 adults vs. us w/ 3 little kids. I really do not want my kids to have to wake up somewhere other than home on Christmas morning, but I am willing to compromise.

How do ya'll fit both sides of the family in on the holidays? What are your compromises?
I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...

 

[csjordan]

It is holiday time...that means family drama time

My inlaws are upset b/c we are not going to MI to visit them for the holidays.

Background info:
Keep in mind that I am a RN (very part time) and am required to work one holiday, which is Christmas Eve this year. We saw them last in April of this year. They came down last Christmas to our house in 2009 b/c our son was born on 12/21 last year. We intend to go to MI this summer. They are annoyed that we go to Disney every year but we are not going to MI for any holidays. I am not a cold weather person and our kids do not have the gear for freezing cold temps as we are from Charleston. My side of the family is here in Charleston.
so...
I am trying to find a compromise. We cannot decide last minute each year where we will spend the holidays. My MIL and I want to try and establish some sort of tradition. I am trying to find a place where we could all drive to and meet up (flying a family of 5 is not cheap) for Thanksgiving or Christmas each year or every other year. We prefer not to go to MI b/c as I mentioned- it is cold, our kids are too young to do many snow activities, our kids would be stir crazy sitting in the house, flying is not cheap.
I need help finding a location that the whole family could plan on meeting up at each year or biannually. We are in Charleston, our BIL and his family are in WI, the grandparents are in detroit, and my SIL and her hubby are in Richmond. Where is there to go? I am thinking some sort of resort type place where there are activities to entertain the kiddos. Should we just move it around every year so it is eventually convenient for each family?

They are, of course, welcome to come here each year. They are more portable...2 adults vs. us w/ 3 little kids. I really do not want my kids to have to wake up somewhere other than home on Christmas morning, but I am willing to compromise.

How do ya'll fit both sides of the family in on the holidays? What are your compromises?
I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...

Too bad you all can't meet up at WDW...the greatest place in the world for families. That would take care of your annual trip and getting together with the family all at once. However, if that's not going to work, I saw you had family in Richmond, which made me think about Busch Gardens Williamsburg.

We are annual passholders and go there quite a bit. Last year, they started Christmas Town for the holidays. Although I haven't been to that event, I've heard it's really a lot of fun. There is a lot of history in Williamsburg, along with the park. There is a Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg, which would be a lot of fun. Although it is chilly in Williamsburg, the weather in nothing like it is up north.

Good luck with the planning. We are from NC and also go to WDW every year, usually during Thanksgiving. We aren't going to be there during Thanksgiving this year We will be there in May. I'm planning a surprise trip to Williamsburg for the family this Xmas!

 

[StitchBuddy]

Hmm..... this is a difficult situation. We have lived away from both of our families and I always wanted to go home during the holidays to be with my family. I think you need to think about how your husband feels about this. You said you live close to your family, so I am guessing you see them whenever you want. I understand not wanting to go when your baby is little, because traveling is hard with little ones. But, that being said it isn't fair to your husband, his parents, or your children to deny them time at least every other year to see them at Christmas. As far as cold weather, we live in Texas and when we are going skiing or somewhere cold we will either get stuff cheap at a resale shop, Walmart or borrow snow gear. Maybe if you meet up with all of his family every other year for Christmas or even every third year. They may have cool traditions your kids would enjoy. Both my parents and my husband's parents were divorced, so that meant we had 4 places to visit not easy, but worth it. They lived 3 diferent places Dallas, Austin, and Wichita Falls, so not even close together. Of course, we took a few days to see each one. Good Luck!

 

[taymaesmom]

We hate to travel for the holidays at all. I made a rule when my oldest was a baby that I would not leave my house on Christmas Day, I want my girls to enjoy their gifts without the. Anyone is welcome to stop by for lunch or to just hang out, we will be in our pjs but would love the company. My mom passed away years ago so no need to worry there. So Christmas Day my dad and siblings drop in, they try to time it so we all are together for a bit but then my siblings are off to visit their spouses families. No rushing around etc. But for my dh's family we do things differently since they live out of town. Every other year we travel to Chicago for Thanksgiving and stay home for Christmas time (dh's parents come here to visit us and their parents), the opposite year we stay home for Thanksgiving and travel to MI the day AFTER Thanksgiving to be with the whole family there. We realize that you don't have to celebrate on the actual day to celebrate together. We too don't enjoy the cold weather but my girls love getting to play in the snow and we've taken them tubing, ice skating etc-things we can't do here. It works for now and we've all learned to take it in stride.

This year we are staying home for Thanksgiving and everyone is meeting at Disney World the day AFTER Christmas! I am so excited!!!!

A nice compromise for us on the travel is Easter! We enjoy spending a long weekend in MI at Easter, the weather is decent usually and its a laid back time for all of us!

 

[amy-momofthree]

Dh and I decided when we got married that we will always spend Christmas at our house. We invite everyone (his family and mine) to join us. I love Christmas , it's my favorite holiday and it's important to dh and I that our kids have memories of being in our home Christmas eve and morning.

Since dh's family live 3 hours away, they are joining us this year (as they have for the past 5 Christmases). However, we leave dec 27 to go see my family.

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

Well, we are a bit mean I guess. We spend christmas here at home and no one else is invited. Period. Now- that being said, we have Christmas with DH's side 3 times, and then with my side once. So, its not like we aren't seeing family-but Christmas Day is ours alone

 

[marie1203]

This is always hard to make both sides of the family happy in our case 3 (DM and sister live in the same state, dad step-mom & grandparents live out of the country and Dh side of the family live in NH). Our first Christmas we spend it at my grandmas home including DH family since we were all there for our wedding a few days before. Second Christmas we spend it in NH which was great lots of family drama and a 15 hour drive each in the middle of snow storms. This year we are staying home everyone that wants to come is welcome so far it looks that it is just my mom and sister. We establish that we will switch every year but after last christmas and me having family out of the country it is more of a problem so for now on we will spend Christmas in our home make our own traditions and invite anyone that wants to join us.

 

[disykat]

You don't have to travel at holidays. You said you've invited them - you aren't "denying" anybody seeing your family on the holidays.

We don't travel on the holidays. We wake up in our own house, attend our own church, etc. It's a gift I give my kids - the same gift my parents gave me. My inlaws weren't happy at first (my family was fine about it because they felt it was important for us to establish those traditions with our kids,) but they have learned to live with it. Since they won't ever come here on holidays, it's clearly not that important to them to be together on the holidays.

However, we do visit our family yearly. You said you're visiting them this summer. Do you go every year? I can see why they might have their nose out of joint if you would travel to other places, but not to see them. However, it sounds like that's not the issue.

We live within driving distance (400 miles) so we've solved the holiday issue by going every year between Christmas and New Years. We should be able to continue that tradition as our kids leave home for college and beyond. They can come with us or not. Maybe since flying is an issue, you could invite them to come for New Years if they don't want to come for Christmas? That way they could still celebrate with your DH's siblings if they wanted to. Or I think the central meeting spot over New Years would be fabulous - much less pressure than doing it actually on Christmas IMO.

 

[dfchelbay]

Forgive me for being blunt, but I think your inlaws are being selfish. She needs to look beyond herself and her own personal wants. If you have made it clear to her that she is welcome to visit you during the holidays, then that should be good enough for her. It is much easier for her and her husband to pack up and visit you...cheaper too. It's ridiculous to expect two working parents with young children...one not even a year old to just pack up and visit a northern state, especially when none of your family is prepared and/or equipped to do so. Let your MIL know that she and her husband need to come to you in SC, it's just not reasonable to do it the other way around at this point in your young family's life.

 

[disneymagicgirl]

Forgive me for being blunt, but I think your inlaws are being selfish. She needs to look beyond herself and her own personal wants. If you have made it clear to her that she is welcome to visit you during the holidays, then that should be good enough for her. It is much easier for her and her husband to pack up and visit you...cheaper too. It's ridiculous to expect two working parents with young children...one not even a year old to just pack up and visit a northern state, especially when none of your family is prepared and/or equipped to do so. Let your MIL know that she and her husband need to come to you in SC, it's just not reasonable to do it the other way around at this point in your young family's life.

OP here...

I appreciate all of your responses. Some great ideas!
This respose i quoted really sticks out to me, b/c it is how I feel for the most part. It is way easier for them to come here for the holidays. We fly up there in the summer when it is warmer and more enjoyable. They live on a lake, so that is the ideal time to visit. Not EVERY year, but most, we go see them.
I think that they should come here until the kids are older for Christmas or Thanksgiving, or both. They are always welcome. I don't mind meeting them somewhere at Thanksgiving, even, but not all the way in Detroit. There really is nothing to do when we visit them, except lake activities, which are non-existent in November.
I mentioned the Disney idea to my MIL about a month ago. We tend to go in the fall, so we could easily plan to arrive Thanksgiving weekend or even on Thanksgiving. She didn't seem too interested. I get the feeling that they really want us to come up there. My MIL is my DH's step-mother. She was never able to carry a pregnancy so she has never traveled with 2 small children. Airports are bad enough in the middle of summer...I can't imagine what it would be like on Christmas! I also mentioned that we could come up on 12/26 for a few days, if that would work. That way the kids could be home to get their santa gifts, go to mass, etc. Then we would travel the next day. She said that is not the same as being together on Christmas.
I think I am going to have to just explain that we will not be traveling on Christmas for quite a few more years...until the kids are old enough. I will offer to host it at our house until then. Everyone is invited.
I will also offer to meet for Thanksgiving somewhere and/or invite everyone to our place. That Great Wolf Lodge sounds interesting...and w/in driving distance for us and SIL. I doubt the BIL and his familiy will even come anyways. They do their own thing, so it doesn't matter that WI is not exactly close to VA.
It is just frustrating b/c it is so much cheaper/easier for them to travel. It is just 2 adults. Not to mention that they have plenty of $$. We are a family of 5 w/ one income and my little bit of $$ for the 2 shifts I work a month so I can be home w/ the little ones.
Thanks for all of your help. The Disers on the budget board are the best!

 

[4HppyCamprs]

I agree that in this case it makes the most sense for them to travel to meet you at your home and as somebody who is a stones through from MI i welcome the chance to get out of the snow Anyways my vote is for them visiting you at your home for the holidays I do understand how inlaws can be though and maybe the first week in January would be better? I have had to do this when traveling to visit my mother before because of our work schedules ...nobody really wants the first week in January...

 

[lunalibre]

You and your DH need to have a heart-to heart about what you BOTH want out of the holidays. You have to present a united front to both sides of your family. It doesn't matter what your side or his side thinks is "fair". What matters is that you both agree on how you want to spend the holidays and what sort of memories you want to create for your children.

OP, I understand that it's hard to travel to a cold place with young children. However, you married not just your DH -- you also married his family. Did his family live in the north when you got married? Then you should have expected this conversation to come up, and discussed what you wanted before kid #1 was even born. Sorry to sound harsh. I grew up in Houston. I firmly believe water freezes at 70 degrees F -- no matter what science says. Any temperature below 80 seems frigid to me!!! I live in Dallas -- also not known for its cold weather. But -- go figure -- I married a YANKEE. Of course I knew DH would want to visit his family at holiday time, and that would mean traveling where it's cold. (Honestly, you don't have to buy that many warm clothes, and you'd be amazed at what folks are willing to lend you and what you can buy at consignment stores.)

My family's compromise is this: Thanksgiving we spend with my side of the family, which is easy because they live in the Dallas area. The most we do is go spend a day at someone else's house if we don't do Thanksgiving here. Christmas is a little more difficult. We make a weekend trip to Houston in December to see my parents and my brother's family. We spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home. We get up early on 12/26 to drive 14 hours north to see DH's side of the family -- for three days. We always drive back on 12/30. Then we spend New Year's Eve and New Year's at home, and the kids start getting back into their routine before school starts. Is this fun? Well, yes and no. I will NEVER like the fact that I end up doing laundry on Christmas Day, no matter how hard I try to have everything clean and packed by Christmas Eve. However, this is the compromise that DH and I can both live with. The grandparents don't like that they don't spend the holidays with us directly, but they know they are welcome here anytime -- and they choose not to travel. They at least understand why we want our kids to grow up spending the holidays at their own house. We've just had to make some different traditions. FWIW, my kids are 14 and 10 -- so we've been doing this split for several years now.

Now with DH's side of the family, we've also started doing a summer family reunion at a cabin in the Smokies. That's proven to be enjoyable to all ages. It's an even farther drive for us than our Christmas drive (15 hour drive vs 14), but we've resigned ourselves. If we want our kids to know their cousins, we just have to drive. We live the farthest south and west of DH's siblings, so DH's parents' house is actually a decent meeting point in the winter. We are definitely too far for his siblings to come visit us -- so we don't expect it. We can't visit them, either. The summer trip, though, has a whole different vibe. Everyone has a good time. I highly recommend it -- especially if you choose, as a family, never to go to MI in the winter.

Good luck with whatever you decide. However, please make sure it's a JOINT decision, and have your DH present the plans to his side of the family while you do the presentation to yours.

 

[mafibisha]

You and your DH need to have a heart-to heart about what you BOTH want out of the holidays. You have to present a united front to both sides of your family. It doesn't matter what your side or his side thinks is "fair". What matters is that you both agree on how you want to spend the holidays and what sort of memories you want to create for your children.

OP, I understand that it's hard to travel to a cold place with young children. However, you married not just your DH -- you also married his family. Did his family live in the north when you got married? Then you should have expected this conversation to come up, and discussed what you wanted before kid #1 was even born. Sorry to sound harsh. I grew up in Houston. I firmly believe water freezes at 70 degrees F -- no matter what science says. Any temperature below 80 seems frigid to me!!! I live in Dallas -- also not known for its cold weather. But -- go figure -- I married a YANKEE. Of course I knew DH would want to visit his family at holiday time, and that would mean traveling where it's cold. (Honestly, you don't have to buy that many warm clothes, and you'd be amazed at what folks are willing to lend you and what you can buy at consignment stores.)

Good luck with whatever you decide. However, please make sure it's a JOINT decision, and have your DH present the plans to his side of the family while you do the presentation to yours.

OP, good luck to you. It sounds like you're a wise, reasonable and caring parent and DIL.

Here's a new perspective for what its worth. My sister and DBIL and also my brother and DSIL have all recently become in-laws This is the first holiday season they have to *share* their first born kids with their new inlaw families. They have wonderful in law kids and their respective families appear to be nice and *normal* so far!

They now have a new *take* on all the in law stuff. Both my sis and bro had continuing issues with their respective inlaws (don't we all! LOL) But now that THEY are the in-laws, they have a new perspective!
It is not easy being the in-laws! They now see their own inlaws with *new eyes* and understanding and realize how difficult it must be for them too, as they try to juggle the holidays.

All of them (sis and hubby, bro and DSIL) now realize there are two sides to every story. They want to be with their newly married kids but realize their new inlaw kids want to be with their families too. They've *warned* us to be ready for it someday. And to also give our inlaws a break *now*.

Again, FWIW, its been an eye opener for me, not excited about the prospect to come in our lives too, so thought I'd share.

 

[DebMcDonald]

My husband and I also made the decision when we had kids that if you wanted to see our kids at Christmas than you come to our house. For us, we are the only ones with kids, both of our brothers do not have families, so that makes it easier for everyone involved, but my parents and my brother come up on CT and my MIL flies in from Florida and we don't leave our house and most of the time my girls never even get our of their christmas PJ's.

For me it's alot of work, but I would not trade it for anything to be surrounded by family for Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

 

[malibuconlee]

I married a guy who lived 20 miles from me and as my mother married my step-dad and my in-laws moved to the family farm, well, now our parents live about 1-2 miles apart.

That doesn't help you tho!

A friend of mine on her mom's side well, as the cousins have gotten older and their own families it's tough to get everyone together for the holidays. A few years ago one of her uncles bought a cabin on the Mississippi River just a few miles north of our hometown. They now do Christmas In July! Most people are able to make it. Her cousin would come in from New York before she moved back to Iowa even. Just a thought. They go out on the boat, have cookouts, sit around playing cards and no stress over having to eat and run to the next place.